Oh yeah, the Grand Boucle starts in just deux days, baby, and as the teams hit their formal presentation in Corsica by boat and bike, it's time to preview the non-GC part o' the race! What's what:
The Sprinters!: 7 flat chances for glory! Okay, really who cares, but I guess we oughta yap fastmen. Mark "the Manx Missile" Cavendish. Peter "the Tourminator" Sagan. Andre "the Gorilla" Greipel. Come to think of it, Robbie "the Pocket Rocket" McEwen and Mario "the Lion King" Cipollini. Why do the sprinters get all the cool nicknames? The missing: BMC's Thor Hushovd (I know, not quite a "sprinter" in recent years), Garmin's Tyler Farrar. Crap, nabit, crap! Look for: Cav and Sagan to come to blows over smart-!@# !@#$-you victory celebrations. Watch out Peter, Cav is pretty scrappy!
The Climbers: 6 mountain stages, 4, count 'em4, mountain top finishes. look, at this point, we're mainly talking GC riders, their top mountain domestiques, pretty much all of Movistar, and of course my beloved Euskaltel (shut up! will too! bite me!). Contador for Alpe d'Huez. Richie Porte for a stage, if Froome can afford him wasting energy. Alejandro Valverde and Joaquim Rodriguez for a mano-a-mano death match in the steeps. Missing: Jose Rujano, whose retirement at the top of his game has nothing to do with his recent entanglement in a doping scandal. Eat Orange dust, beeyotches!
The Roleurs: basically, 5 or so shots for these boys. We got some great stage hunters here, honey, and holy improbable crap some of 'em are even French: Thomas "the Grimace" Voeckler, the great Sylvain Chavanel, luckless (so far) curse-o'-the-rainbow-jersey world champ Philippe Gilbert. Jens for anything he damn well wants, so pack it up and bow before the One, you weaklings! And while he's no breakaway artist, can I show mercy enough to suggest baby Schleck for a stage of *some* kind? No, there's descents in them thar hills....
'Nother Stuff!: Bjarne's rumored to be retiring, the Tour is inviting every dope-sucking drug-fiend *except* Lance Armstrong to the big party, the French have put the mute button on the appalling Laurent Jalabert but are letting every other dirty doping DS of the last 10 years yap direct instructions into the ears of their clean innocent riders, Froome's still talking smack, and Contador, as always, is keeping his reserve. So Peter, remember not to pop those wheelies til *after* you cross the line, and Cav, if he paints his bike all smug-!@# maillot vert again before he earns it, you *chomp* that frame to pieces before Paris!
Here, Cav makes it 22 last year: The rest of you, let the excuses begin!
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
It's Yer 2013 Tour de France In Preview, Part Un!: The GC Contenders
Yes, the 100th Tour de France is just days away, and it's got a pretty bangin' field to boot. So before 3 weeks of fun, pain, and general chaos gets underway, let's review the overall contenders to watch:
1. Chris Froome: apparently, he's on the BBC right this minute explaining how Contador's a no-threat weenie and his Tour victory is all but assured. Keep it up, you eejit! Aaaaanyhoo: Strengths: openly bushwhacking his own team leader; climbing; time trialling; damn near anything but sprinting. Also, he's got his whole Team Sky frankly starting to look disconcertingly like the ol' US Postal Stepford-wife androids. Attrition through metronomic beat-down, baby! Weaknesses: uh...maybe he peaked a little too much a little too soon? And for !@#$'s sake, kid, shut yer *yap* til you gain more sense!
2. Alberto Contador: y'know, this guy's actually *won* a few of these things already, so I don't know why he seems to be presumed DOA. Strengths: he is attentive, he is experienced, and he doesn't melt down like a Schleck at every setback. And while he hasn't shown this season that, well, mutant capacity for constant consecutive light-n-lively 21% gradient uphill attacks he had, well, before, if he's got it back, the rest of the field's just screwed. Weaknesses: so...can he do what he used to do if he needs to, or can't he?
3. Cadel Evans: Strengths: no matter how tired, the man is a tick on the backs of even his strongest rivals, the gracious Tejay's not gonna stick a Froomeian knife in his back, and he can triumph in the most miserable conditions the Tour or any race on earth has to offer. Weaknesses: yeah, he's old. He was old when he won it the first time. So what?
4. Alejandro Valverde: sure, he's a mid-race car-wreck-in-waiting at every Grand Tour he's in, and of course his riding well still creeps us all out, but he is one wily tenacious s.o.b. with a simply ravenous team of near-daily stage winners and unholy mountain beasts right with 'im. Allez Alejandro--if only to see the outraged race organizers go all bull!@#$ when you take it!
5. Purito Rodriguez: no, he hasn't won his Grand Tour yet. Yes, he's always about to. Aiming for the podium but capable of the top step, it's only a matter of time, luck, and maybe someone else's ill-timed crack. Strengths: one of the most brilliant climbers of his day. Weakness: won't be whacked as hard as usual by this year's rolling time trial, but on a flat stage, the man's basically got to be hauled by donkey cart. Just someone grab hold of his jersey so he doesn't get blown off the course by a crosswind, and he'll be okay!
6. Dark Horses: no, Ryder, Voeckler, or Van den Broucke won't win, but they'll sure put a scare into everybody at least one point in the race. And no, he won't be French. But for a twist, Andy Schleck is coyly promising a surprise. Just finish and let Jens off the leash, and that'll be surprise enough!
Well, there's yer faves. Me, I'm getting shameful Vinokourov flashbacks just thinkin' about rooting for Contador, but I'm sure there's no reason for that. So let the debauchery begin, and may you all stay safe and test clean!
1. Chris Froome: apparently, he's on the BBC right this minute explaining how Contador's a no-threat weenie and his Tour victory is all but assured. Keep it up, you eejit! Aaaaanyhoo: Strengths: openly bushwhacking his own team leader; climbing; time trialling; damn near anything but sprinting. Also, he's got his whole Team Sky frankly starting to look disconcertingly like the ol' US Postal Stepford-wife androids. Attrition through metronomic beat-down, baby! Weaknesses: uh...maybe he peaked a little too much a little too soon? And for !@#$'s sake, kid, shut yer *yap* til you gain more sense!
2. Alberto Contador: y'know, this guy's actually *won* a few of these things already, so I don't know why he seems to be presumed DOA. Strengths: he is attentive, he is experienced, and he doesn't melt down like a Schleck at every setback. And while he hasn't shown this season that, well, mutant capacity for constant consecutive light-n-lively 21% gradient uphill attacks he had, well, before, if he's got it back, the rest of the field's just screwed. Weaknesses: so...can he do what he used to do if he needs to, or can't he?
3. Cadel Evans: Strengths: no matter how tired, the man is a tick on the backs of even his strongest rivals, the gracious Tejay's not gonna stick a Froomeian knife in his back, and he can triumph in the most miserable conditions the Tour or any race on earth has to offer. Weaknesses: yeah, he's old. He was old when he won it the first time. So what?
4. Alejandro Valverde: sure, he's a mid-race car-wreck-in-waiting at every Grand Tour he's in, and of course his riding well still creeps us all out, but he is one wily tenacious s.o.b. with a simply ravenous team of near-daily stage winners and unholy mountain beasts right with 'im. Allez Alejandro--if only to see the outraged race organizers go all bull!@#$ when you take it!
5. Purito Rodriguez: no, he hasn't won his Grand Tour yet. Yes, he's always about to. Aiming for the podium but capable of the top step, it's only a matter of time, luck, and maybe someone else's ill-timed crack. Strengths: one of the most brilliant climbers of his day. Weakness: won't be whacked as hard as usual by this year's rolling time trial, but on a flat stage, the man's basically got to be hauled by donkey cart. Just someone grab hold of his jersey so he doesn't get blown off the course by a crosswind, and he'll be okay!
6. Dark Horses: no, Ryder, Voeckler, or Van den Broucke won't win, but they'll sure put a scare into everybody at least one point in the race. And no, he won't be French. But for a twist, Andy Schleck is coyly promising a surprise. Just finish and let Jens off the leash, and that'll be surprise enough!
Well, there's yer faves. Me, I'm getting shameful Vinokourov flashbacks just thinkin' about rooting for Contador, but I'm sure there's no reason for that. So let the debauchery begin, and may you all stay safe and test clean!
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
It's the Tour de France, Baby!: The GC Contender's Guide to Proper Behavior
This Is How We Do It: Look, Froome. Quit bitchin' about how oppressed you were last year, and how unfair it is you have to address suspicions of doping when you're only like the third guy in 20 years not to actively attend at the pre-Tour de France press conference with an inch-thick veterinary needle sticking out your !@#. In three weeks, either you'll be a big-mouth punk-!@# bawling beneath Contador's armpit on the final podium in Paris, or you'll have put the cherry on top of the spectacular sundae you've been so expertly crafting all season. And while I've already *told* you what (and what not) to say here, you and the rest of you wannabe maillot jaunes still need to know what to *do* to win friends, influence people, and get yourself back safely on the team bus home. Ergo--and remember, it's only because I love you--the official racejunkie GC Contender's Guide to Proper Behavior:
1. Speak French. Well. You're a cultured guy. And you love France, and the French, and the Tour. So speak it. To the press before the stage, to the press after the stage, to the narc who comes to peer at you providing a wee sample. Incredibly, it worked for Lance Armstrong. Who are you to contradict *him*?
2. Sign Autographs. For the kids, for the grownups, for the sponsors, for the local dignitaries, for every base money-grubbing cycling-hater to pimp for maximum dough and zero feeling on eBay. It makes you seem nice, which you are, and everyone likes it when nice guys win. Now pick up the !@#damn Sharpie and get to work!
3. Hold It Together. Oblivious teen texting her way across a rider-studded Alpine road? Neon-thonged camera-whore lamming right into you on the climb like a drunken rhino? Deranged clown with a highly photogenic moppet daughter letting his pony-size dog gallumph right into your wheel at a crucial strategic moment? Tough crap! I mean, Gilbert did *not* look cool last year. Pick up that blood, sign a shred of your tattered jersey for the traumatized onlookers, and get yer butt back on the road!
4. Look Tired. On a flat stage, it's the crosswinds. On a rolling stage, it's controlling the break and marking the competition in the yellow jersey group. On a mountains stage, it's that last darned kilometer. And in a time trial, it's not your best discipline. Please forgive you for not staying for more interviews, you've *got* to get back to the hotel to rest!
5. Compliment Your Rivals. I don't care if you think Contador can't climb a jungle gym since he got popped for Clenbuterol, he and everybody else are *dogging at your heels*, man!
6. Bring Your Baby On the Podium. No, I *don't* know if you even have one. You shoulda thought of that earlier! Borrow someone else's if you have to. A little presumptuous of you to get it a teeny yellow jersey to wear ahead of time, BTW. A twee little team jersey and matching cap, though--how cute!
7. Be Nice to Your Domestiques. They can bring you into this race, and they can take you out of it. Do whatever you gotta do to rally or even correct the troops on your own time, but do *not* ever, ever air dirty laundry in public. You see how Cav stopped that !@#$? There's a reason!
Well, gentlemen, time for the Grand Boucle. Best of luck to all, and don't forget--when you cross the finish line first, point your fingers at the sponsor's name on yer jersey, and hold 'em there til you fall off the bike!
1. Speak French. Well. You're a cultured guy. And you love France, and the French, and the Tour. So speak it. To the press before the stage, to the press after the stage, to the narc who comes to peer at you providing a wee sample. Incredibly, it worked for Lance Armstrong. Who are you to contradict *him*?
2. Sign Autographs. For the kids, for the grownups, for the sponsors, for the local dignitaries, for every base money-grubbing cycling-hater to pimp for maximum dough and zero feeling on eBay. It makes you seem nice, which you are, and everyone likes it when nice guys win. Now pick up the !@#damn Sharpie and get to work!
3. Hold It Together. Oblivious teen texting her way across a rider-studded Alpine road? Neon-thonged camera-whore lamming right into you on the climb like a drunken rhino? Deranged clown with a highly photogenic moppet daughter letting his pony-size dog gallumph right into your wheel at a crucial strategic moment? Tough crap! I mean, Gilbert did *not* look cool last year. Pick up that blood, sign a shred of your tattered jersey for the traumatized onlookers, and get yer butt back on the road!
4. Look Tired. On a flat stage, it's the crosswinds. On a rolling stage, it's controlling the break and marking the competition in the yellow jersey group. On a mountains stage, it's that last darned kilometer. And in a time trial, it's not your best discipline. Please forgive you for not staying for more interviews, you've *got* to get back to the hotel to rest!
5. Compliment Your Rivals. I don't care if you think Contador can't climb a jungle gym since he got popped for Clenbuterol, he and everybody else are *dogging at your heels*, man!
6. Bring Your Baby On the Podium. No, I *don't* know if you even have one. You shoulda thought of that earlier! Borrow someone else's if you have to. A little presumptuous of you to get it a teeny yellow jersey to wear ahead of time, BTW. A twee little team jersey and matching cap, though--how cute!
7. Be Nice to Your Domestiques. They can bring you into this race, and they can take you out of it. Do whatever you gotta do to rally or even correct the troops on your own time, but do *not* ever, ever air dirty laundry in public. You see how Cav stopped that !@#$? There's a reason!
Well, gentlemen, time for the Grand Boucle. Best of luck to all, and don't forget--when you cross the finish line first, point your fingers at the sponsor's name on yer jersey, and hold 'em there til you fall off the bike!
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Oh, Like You Don't Miss Him Too: The Grimy, Thrilling Pleasure of Jan Ullrich
Look, before I get a ton of crap from, well, both my faithful readers, let me reiterate--*again*--that doping is bad. Really, really bad. It was bad when early-1900s Tour riders were smoking cigarettes to "clear their lungs," it was midcentury bad when guys were popping amphetamines like tic-tacs, it was wicked bad--and deeply disgusting to boot--when boys like Tyler Hamilton and Riccardo Ricco' were whizzing black and damn near exploding their livers with botched transfusions, and it still ain't sporting today. But if you can still say with a pure heart that Jan Ullrich on a bike wasn't the most just plain fun to see on a bike since, well, that unctuous filthy mastermind Alexandre Vinokourov, honey, you are either so noble that a caffeinated energy gel is the food of the devil or you are Pat "Dick" McQuaid on an implausible-deniability post-Lance-sycophant faux-ingratiating total-bull!@#$-artist last-ditch-o'-glory-desperate-UCI-presidency-seeking-shameless-power-whoring-campaignfest. Yes, after breaking years of post-downward-spiral silence--on freakin' Lance's doping, for heck's sake--the gun-shy Jan has finally spoken out on his own. Sure, it's that same cheap level-playing-field just-business-ma'am self-congratulatory rationalization that's egregiously failed everyone else and screwed generations of riders unwilling to put their health or integrity at risk--but let's review Jan on a bike, shall we?
He was erratic. He was uncontrolled. He insisted in grinding away in some ridiculous gear on the most inappropriate terrain because he could. He was a bratwurst-snarfing self-hosing bon vivant in the offseason, padding his gut outta contention til way later in the season than he should've been. He was a killer-instinct in motion without remotely the self-discipline he needed to actually back it up. He was a screeching brakeless train on a half-!@#ed bridge just waiting for a derailment. And he was way, waaaay, waaaaay more entertaining than that damn joyless robot and his perfectly-pharmaceutically-tuned tick-tock domestiques who beat his !@# every year like clockwork.
So what's he doing now, after what must have surely been an agonizing--if hardly sympathetic--Floydian several years watching equally-drugged-up compatriots complete--hell, even evade entirely--some penny-ante wrist-slap ban and return to loving accolades lucrative careers and a completely whitewashed place in history while he almost alone freakishly bore the blame for an entire generation's destruction of his sport? He's teaching little kids cycling, without a single carnival-quack Millaresque self-serving camera-slut wah-wah that's so bizarrely succeeded in rehabbing other guys just as stupid to get caught to save himself. Mr. Ullrich, you were a very bad boy indeed, and there's no justifying how you cheated the good intentions and honest regimens of--hell, certainly *somebody*. And yep, having opened the door on the obvious years after the party's broke up and gone home, it's probably better--and clearly more comfortable--for everyone, except of course the still-wildly-adored-but-more-promptly-shameful dopers that still make a handsome living off of DSing the clean new stars, if you just chill back into obscurity after this. But having so loved it back then, it'd be even more hypocritical to rewrite our own complicit history now. !@#$, Jan, you were fun to watch!
Holy moly, is this a dirty dirty parade of crooks in this clip: Enjoy--even if you won't admit it!
He was erratic. He was uncontrolled. He insisted in grinding away in some ridiculous gear on the most inappropriate terrain because he could. He was a bratwurst-snarfing self-hosing bon vivant in the offseason, padding his gut outta contention til way later in the season than he should've been. He was a killer-instinct in motion without remotely the self-discipline he needed to actually back it up. He was a screeching brakeless train on a half-!@#ed bridge just waiting for a derailment. And he was way, waaaay, waaaaay more entertaining than that damn joyless robot and his perfectly-pharmaceutically-tuned tick-tock domestiques who beat his !@# every year like clockwork.
So what's he doing now, after what must have surely been an agonizing--if hardly sympathetic--Floydian several years watching equally-drugged-up compatriots complete--hell, even evade entirely--some penny-ante wrist-slap ban and return to loving accolades lucrative careers and a completely whitewashed place in history while he almost alone freakishly bore the blame for an entire generation's destruction of his sport? He's teaching little kids cycling, without a single carnival-quack Millaresque self-serving camera-slut wah-wah that's so bizarrely succeeded in rehabbing other guys just as stupid to get caught to save himself. Mr. Ullrich, you were a very bad boy indeed, and there's no justifying how you cheated the good intentions and honest regimens of--hell, certainly *somebody*. And yep, having opened the door on the obvious years after the party's broke up and gone home, it's probably better--and clearly more comfortable--for everyone, except of course the still-wildly-adored-but-more-promptly-shameful dopers that still make a handsome living off of DSing the clean new stars, if you just chill back into obscurity after this. But having so loved it back then, it'd be even more hypocritical to rewrite our own complicit history now. !@#$, Jan, you were fun to watch!
Holy moly, is this a dirty dirty parade of crooks in this clip: Enjoy--even if you won't admit it!
Thursday, June 13, 2013
So You Wanna Beat the Narcs: A Friendly Guide for What *Not* to Say for Cyclists
So, Grand Tour contender, you've been just been nailed by some vengeful data-wielding nerdling who's called your performances "suspicious," "miraculous," or even, if you're really lucky,"mutant." Yet, you *persist* in staying stupid !@#$ to the press that is guaranteed to freak the authorities into a state of high alert. Don't want a nightly invasion of needle-wielding narcs and urine-catching bathroom vultures derailing your nightly routine all July and dooming you to a life of Ricco-esque shame when you're caught? Then listen up and learn to keep 'em off the trail--and yeah, this means *you*, Froomey!
WRONG: I feel great.
RIGHT: The sensations are good.
WRONG: I'm going for the stage win today.
RIGHT: We'll see what happens.
WRONG: I'm exactly where I need to be at this point.
RIGHT: I'm really suffering from allergies. Hopefully, they won't be so bad in a few weeks.
WRONG: I'm confident I can win the Tour de France.
RIGHT: It's a long road to Paris.
WRONG: I could've won myself if I hadn't had to help the team leader up the mountains the whole tour.
RIGHT: It was an honor to ride for ______. I'm really grateful for the experience I gained.
WRONG (REALLY WRONG): I'm aiming for the next six or seven Tours.
RIGHT: I'm still young and I've got a lot to learn. I'm aiming for a high placing this year if everything goes right.
WRONG: My main rival is ______.
RIGHT: My main rivals are ______, _______, and ______. Of course, _____ and _____ are also very strong. And you can't discount guys like ______, _______, ________, or _______.
WRONG: I spent a lot of time in the off-season training at "altitude".
RIGHT: I spent a lot of time in the wind tunnel working on my time trial position in the off-season. I really hope it helps me this year.
WRONG: If my chain hadn't come off, I could have won the day.
RIGHT: I just didn't have the legs today.
WRONG: My team is phenomenal.
RIGHT: My teammates worked phenomenally hard today. But ______, _______, and _____ are incredible teams. We'll have to be very attentive.
WRONG: crossing the line with a long victory celebration, taking a quick swig from your water bottle, and conducting a lengthy, smiling TV interview in your second language before bounding up the steps for the podium presentation.
RIGHT: weakly raising a half-clenched fist two inches above the handlebars, dumping a whole water bottle over your head, and collapsing off your bike onto the ground in agony as the medical team runs to your side. Bonus points if you hurl on your soigneur!
All right, you Eddy Merckx wannabes, I've done my damndest to help protect you from yourselves. Now if you're gonna dope like a scumbag, at least don't bray like an !@# about it!
WRONG: I feel great.
RIGHT: The sensations are good.
WRONG: I'm going for the stage win today.
RIGHT: We'll see what happens.
WRONG: I'm exactly where I need to be at this point.
RIGHT: I'm really suffering from allergies. Hopefully, they won't be so bad in a few weeks.
WRONG: I'm confident I can win the Tour de France.
RIGHT: It's a long road to Paris.
WRONG: I could've won myself if I hadn't had to help the team leader up the mountains the whole tour.
RIGHT: It was an honor to ride for ______. I'm really grateful for the experience I gained.
WRONG (REALLY WRONG): I'm aiming for the next six or seven Tours.
RIGHT: I'm still young and I've got a lot to learn. I'm aiming for a high placing this year if everything goes right.
WRONG: My main rival is ______.
RIGHT: My main rivals are ______, _______, and ______. Of course, _____ and _____ are also very strong. And you can't discount guys like ______, _______, ________, or _______.
WRONG: I spent a lot of time in the off-season training at "altitude".
RIGHT: I spent a lot of time in the wind tunnel working on my time trial position in the off-season. I really hope it helps me this year.
WRONG: If my chain hadn't come off, I could have won the day.
RIGHT: I just didn't have the legs today.
WRONG: My team is phenomenal.
RIGHT: My teammates worked phenomenally hard today. But ______, _______, and _____ are incredible teams. We'll have to be very attentive.
WRONG: crossing the line with a long victory celebration, taking a quick swig from your water bottle, and conducting a lengthy, smiling TV interview in your second language before bounding up the steps for the podium presentation.
RIGHT: weakly raising a half-clenched fist two inches above the handlebars, dumping a whole water bottle over your head, and collapsing off your bike onto the ground in agony as the medical team runs to your side. Bonus points if you hurl on your soigneur!
All right, you Eddy Merckx wannabes, I've done my damndest to help protect you from yourselves. Now if you're gonna dope like a scumbag, at least don't bray like an !@# about it!
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Johan Bruyneel's Lament: Lance's Right-Hand Man Speaks Out (Sorta)
So lemme get this straight: if Lance hadn't had the desperate adoration-slut black-hole life-suckin' vortex-o-ego to come back outta retirement, *and* Johan had had the common sense to offer a bitter broke-!@# Floyd Landis a contract when he asked for one, *none* of this USPostalDiscoveryAstana doping'd've come to light? But I thought all these guys came forward solely outta personal regret and pure love of the sport! Damn, I *hate* being fooled. Anyway, it just goes to show, (1) hell hath no fury like a loogie-covered fall guy watching his equally-dirty ex-teammates still rakin' in the dough and fan-love and (2) Johan'd still have a pretty sweet job in this business if he'd only been a loooooooooot nicer to Alberto Contador. Live'n'learn! In further "woe is me" news, Johan is deeply--*deeply*--hurt by the allegations he endangered his riders' health with a coercive doping regime. You think he's some cloak-n-dagger back-alley-buyer home-fridge beer-cooler amateur? He bought those guys the best !@#$ money can buy, you !@#$ers! Oh, and he's not a "demon." He's a sasquatch. But aside from that, he can't say anything else for legal reasons. Uh, Johan, haven't you already said *enough*? Keep it comin' though, I say! 
Monday, June 03, 2013
Mauro Santambrogio's Doping Poz: the (Alleged!) Perp Weighs In
When Riccardo Ricco's Got the High Ground, You Know You're !@#ed: Yap, yap, another day, another Vini Fantini doping poz, but what's *really* been impressive has been the immediate and total rider condemnation of Giro d'Italia stage phenom Mauro Santambrogio in the twit-sphere. Big disappointment of the day: the Cav-whacked Elia Viviani, who after a so-close-but-yet-so-far run at the Giro finally bagged his first sprint of the season at the Dauphine only to be grossly overshadowed by the latest moron. By far the best rider reaction of the day: ex-racer/aspiring bartender near-deadly-doping-dumb!@# Riccardo "the Cobra" Ricco', who delightedly suggested that all these guys he personally *knows* were stoked to the gills and were going all moralist today ought to please examine their own consciences. But if they're not benefiting from doping *now*, it's not fair they're getting beaten, is it? Keep this up Ricco' you weasel, and I may actually end up loving you almost as much as I do that other unrepentant hater-o-hypocrites Vinokourov! Naaaaahhhhhh....
What, Me Worry?: still, it's only fair to make sure poor ol' Santambrogio has his say, which he certainly did: "I can only say I'm in disbelief that this happened." Hey, don't feel bad Mauro, me too--I figured Danilo Di Luca taught you how to do that !@#$ *right*! Oh, wait...
Talkin' 'Bout (His) Generation: in happy news, the spawn of peerless (if, y'know, imperfect in his past) sprinter Erik Zabel, Rabobank protege Rick Zabel--already a frighteningly good fastman at the tender age of 19--has scored a sweet pro gig with Cadel Evans' BMC. Still, the boy is modest, looking forward to learning from pretty well the entire roster of high-caliber idols and hoping to be a nice little helpmate for the team. I doubt you got much to worry about Rick--and it's good to see a Zabel back on the tarmac!
Those Were the Days: and, before Mauro demands his B-sample, slinks off into the sunset, kisses a buncha babies for a coupla years and returns as a rabid anti-doping advocate and weepy penitent for the peloton youngsters, here's his Stage 14 win at the Giro: Damn, Nibali, I guess you shoulda kept it for yourself!
What, Me Worry?: still, it's only fair to make sure poor ol' Santambrogio has his say, which he certainly did: "I can only say I'm in disbelief that this happened." Hey, don't feel bad Mauro, me too--I figured Danilo Di Luca taught you how to do that !@#$ *right*! Oh, wait...
Talkin' 'Bout (His) Generation: in happy news, the spawn of peerless (if, y'know, imperfect in his past) sprinter Erik Zabel, Rabobank protege Rick Zabel--already a frighteningly good fastman at the tender age of 19--has scored a sweet pro gig with Cadel Evans' BMC. Still, the boy is modest, looking forward to learning from pretty well the entire roster of high-caliber idols and hoping to be a nice little helpmate for the team. I doubt you got much to worry about Rick--and it's good to see a Zabel back on the tarmac!
Those Were the Days: and, before Mauro demands his B-sample, slinks off into the sunset, kisses a buncha babies for a coupla years and returns as a rabid anti-doping advocate and weepy penitent for the peloton youngsters, here's his Stage 14 win at the Giro: Damn, Nibali, I guess you shoulda kept it for yourself!
Sunday, June 02, 2013
The Road to the Tour Blasts Off!; and, Thanks @iamtedking !
It's the Dauphine, Baby!: yes, most of the big Tour de France contenders--Contador, Froome, Rodriguez, and Valverde--lined up today to size up each other up stay out of trouble build up some racing miles and hopefully not blow too much energy psychologically intimidating their competition on the mountains, and it was a smashing Stage 1 solo win for Canada (woo-hoo!)'s young David Veilleux before another (if less) lumpy day in the saddle tomorrow. Shockingly, Chris Froome stayed right with his rivals in the peloton, despite an alleged two-day booze-fueled bender after Brad Wiggins' Tour-withdrawal-announcement in which Froome was apparently seen at a local restaurant leaping up on a table, waving his arms triumphantly to an imaginary crowd, tearily mouthing the words to his national anthem as he faced an invisible flag and spraying a giant bottle of Champagne on irate diners and wait-staff before being dragged down by a burly chef who, having been mistaken for a podium babe and enthusiastically kissed, knocked him flat unconscious into a busboy with a solid left to the jaw. Glad to see you're handling your now-unequivocally-confirmed team leadership with grace there, Froomey! 
Tommeke Tommeke Tommeke!: meantime, Tom Boonen is finally coming back after his off-season illness, limb-threatening elbow infection, and cracked ribs, taking a nice win at the Heistse Pijl: I don't know what the hell he's saying, but he sure *looks* happy, don't he?
Injury Report: and, best wishes for a speedy recovery to legendary bike god Johan Museeuw, who busted his collarbone and dislocated his shoulder at the 24 Hours of Zolder after two other riders crashed in front of him and could not be avoided. Get well soon, and to the guys who took him down--just be glad he didn't make your injuries worse after you jacked him!
Introducing the Holy I-Still-Think-of-it-as-Liquigas-Cannondale Cycling Cap o' Destiny!: finally, many many thanks to the extremely gentlemanly Ted King, who kindly gifted me a tres chic Cannondale cap via Mr. RJ at a local bike event, and which I'll not only be wearing into tatters like a besotted twit but will now use to draw future winners in the storied Grand Tour Racejunkie Win Free Stuff Contest every year. Grazie mille, and good karma to all!
Tommeke Tommeke Tommeke!: meantime, Tom Boonen is finally coming back after his off-season illness, limb-threatening elbow infection, and cracked ribs, taking a nice win at the Heistse Pijl: I don't know what the hell he's saying, but he sure *looks* happy, don't he?
Injury Report: and, best wishes for a speedy recovery to legendary bike god Johan Museeuw, who busted his collarbone and dislocated his shoulder at the 24 Hours of Zolder after two other riders crashed in front of him and could not be avoided. Get well soon, and to the guys who took him down--just be glad he didn't make your injuries worse after you jacked him!
Introducing the Holy I-Still-Think-of-it-as-Liquigas-Cannondale Cycling Cap o' Destiny!: finally, many many thanks to the extremely gentlemanly Ted King, who kindly gifted me a tres chic Cannondale cap via Mr. RJ at a local bike event, and which I'll not only be wearing into tatters like a besotted twit but will now use to draw future winners in the storied Grand Tour Racejunkie Win Free Stuff Contest every year. Grazie mille, and good karma to all!
Saturday, June 01, 2013
My Fantasy Brad Wiggins Press Conference
Good morning. I'd like to thank all of you for coming here today at my insistence despite the fact that I hate the press, despise publicity, complain at any acknowledgement of my existence, and want all you vultures to just leave me alone. HEY--YOU AT THE BACK GETTING THE DONUT--PAY ATTENTION OR I'LL HAVE BRAILSFORD KICK YOUR !@#!
We're here to address the controversy surrounding my agonizing decision not to defend my 2012 title at this year's Tour de France, which as you know I never even wanted to do at all in the first place, even before I saw I'd completely choke on this year's course, that nutwhacking little !@#$ Froome was gonna steal my thunder *again*, and the race organizers inexplicably turned down my 50,000 euro "incentive" to substitute the mountaintop finish at Alpe d'Huez with a 300 kilometer perfectly flat time trial. HEY, LADY IN THE SECOND ROW NURSING THE BABY--ITS EYES FOCUS *HERE*! (jabs fingers towards his own face) Instead, I was fully committed to riding as my very first choice the noble and beautiful Giro d'Italia, which I proved by telling the press continuously throughout the race that what I really wanted to do was ride and win this year's Tour again. Luckily, I was able to get outta *that* one just in time to keep yet another one of my superdomestiques from embarrassing me with an overall win!
Next, in light of my catastrophic and previously-unannounced knee injury, which also has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that Froome, Rodriguez, Contador, and even that erratic whackjob Valverde would crush me like a cochroach in July, I'd like to make it absolutely clear that I throw the entire weight of my prestige, power, and warm support behind my great friend and worthy Grand Tour team leader Chris Froome. BLUE SHIRT WALKING OUT THE DOOR--NEXT WEAKLING WHO GETS UP TO USE THE 'BATHROOM' WHILE I'M TALKING CAN !@#DAMN USE HIS PANTS! Accordingly, any instances of the chamois being ripped outta his bike shorts, tranquilizers being put in his water bottle, custom bikes mysteriously falling into the hotel woodchipper, and/or Muzak blasting into his earphone from the team car instead of instructions from the DS during key strategic moments is purely accidental.
As for the repulsive and slanderous rumours circulating in the peloton about Team Sky's unimpeachable training methods and firm anti-doping stance, I'd like to say not only that if you think Lance came down on anybody who crossed him, you haven't haven't halfway seen the destruction *I'm* capable of wreaking, and frankly, if there's anybody you oughta be looking at, it's F--uh, France! Finally, as for my plans for the rest of season, I'm really looking forward to undermining my hardworking loyal helpmate Henao at the Vuelta a Espana, even though its brutal heat and sadistically steep climbs are totally unsuited to my strengths and beautifully suited to his. As for the World Championships, I--YOU WHISPERING AT THE BACK, ONE MORE PEEP WHILE I'M UP HERE AND I'LL RIP YOUR VOCAL CORDS OUTTA YER THROAT!
I will now take questions I find complimentary and pleasing, accept adulation from commoners, and pose for photographs wearing a full set of knightly armor and hoisting a javeli--HOW DARE YOU GET UP TO LEAVE EARLY, I'M ABOUT TO PLAY "STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN" ON MY GUITAR, I'LL HAVE YOUR JOBS YOU !@#ERS! Thank you.
We're here to address the controversy surrounding my agonizing decision not to defend my 2012 title at this year's Tour de France, which as you know I never even wanted to do at all in the first place, even before I saw I'd completely choke on this year's course, that nutwhacking little !@#$ Froome was gonna steal my thunder *again*, and the race organizers inexplicably turned down my 50,000 euro "incentive" to substitute the mountaintop finish at Alpe d'Huez with a 300 kilometer perfectly flat time trial. HEY, LADY IN THE SECOND ROW NURSING THE BABY--ITS EYES FOCUS *HERE*! (jabs fingers towards his own face) Instead, I was fully committed to riding as my very first choice the noble and beautiful Giro d'Italia, which I proved by telling the press continuously throughout the race that what I really wanted to do was ride and win this year's Tour again. Luckily, I was able to get outta *that* one just in time to keep yet another one of my superdomestiques from embarrassing me with an overall win!
Next, in light of my catastrophic and previously-unannounced knee injury, which also has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that Froome, Rodriguez, Contador, and even that erratic whackjob Valverde would crush me like a cochroach in July, I'd like to make it absolutely clear that I throw the entire weight of my prestige, power, and warm support behind my great friend and worthy Grand Tour team leader Chris Froome. BLUE SHIRT WALKING OUT THE DOOR--NEXT WEAKLING WHO GETS UP TO USE THE 'BATHROOM' WHILE I'M TALKING CAN !@#DAMN USE HIS PANTS! Accordingly, any instances of the chamois being ripped outta his bike shorts, tranquilizers being put in his water bottle, custom bikes mysteriously falling into the hotel woodchipper, and/or Muzak blasting into his earphone from the team car instead of instructions from the DS during key strategic moments is purely accidental.
As for the repulsive and slanderous rumours circulating in the peloton about Team Sky's unimpeachable training methods and firm anti-doping stance, I'd like to say not only that if you think Lance came down on anybody who crossed him, you haven't haven't halfway seen the destruction *I'm* capable of wreaking, and frankly, if there's anybody you oughta be looking at, it's F--uh, France! Finally, as for my plans for the rest of season, I'm really looking forward to undermining my hardworking loyal helpmate Henao at the Vuelta a Espana, even though its brutal heat and sadistically steep climbs are totally unsuited to my strengths and beautifully suited to his. As for the World Championships, I--YOU WHISPERING AT THE BACK, ONE MORE PEEP WHILE I'M UP HERE AND I'LL RIP YOUR VOCAL CORDS OUTTA YER THROAT!
I will now take questions I find complimentary and pleasing, accept adulation from commoners, and pose for photographs wearing a full set of knightly armor and hoisting a javeli--HOW DARE YOU GET UP TO LEAVE EARLY, I'M ABOUT TO PLAY "STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN" ON MY GUITAR, I'LL HAVE YOUR JOBS YOU !@#ERS! Thank you.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
It's the 2013 Giro d'Italia Racejunkie Awards!
Yep, three glorious weeks of rain, sleet, snow--and oh right, bike racing--are past, and before the overhyped Tour de France sucks the life outta the cycling universe, it's time to honor the best, the worst, and the just plain weirdest for the 2013 Giro d'Italia Racejunkie Awards! Yer winners:
M-M-M-M-M-M-My Poker Face Award: He wins. He's tranquillo. He loses. He's tranquillo. His rivals crack. He's tranquillo. His rivals surge. He's tranquillo. He's actually being chipped out of a giant block of ice on top of Tre Cime, he's tranquillo. Vincenzo Nibali, you ain't called the Shark for nothin'--anyway we can only *assume* you're actually happy today, so complimenti on a fabulous win!
Andy Schleck Memorial Whining Award: It's rainy. It's sunny. It's windy. It's descendy. I got caught out behind a crash. I got caught out in front of a crash. HOW DARE YOU NOTICE RIGOBERTO URAN INSTEAD OF ME FOR ONE SECOND YOU IGNORANT DIRT-DWELLING PEASANT! Oh shut *up*, Brad Wiggins--you cherry-picked your course, you still got beat, for chrissakes quit whinging already!
Total Tool o' the Race Auxiliary Prize: congrats, Brad, it's a two-fer! You lose your mojo, and you not only insult the iron-tough grievously-underpaid and distinctly-underpampered entire women's peloton in an effort to justify your own inadequacy, but you start being a merely tepid support to yer !@#-saving corsa-ripping Colombian domestiques and immediately spend the rest of the race--before you quit--trying to steal back the Tour defense you never even really cared about (uh, sure!) from Chris Froome. *Please*, Sky, don't let this spoiled princess screw your second straight Grand Tour this season...
American Idol Award: Ryder Hesjedal, this one's for you! Something bad--really, really bad--was going on out there, yet you doggedly honored the maglia rosa you were defending until there wasn't a single pedal stroke left in your legs. And *still* some misguided soulless goons gave you crap. Salute, Ryder, now rest up and get well soon--you done Canada, your entire swooning continent, and most of all the beautiful Giro d'Italia proud!
The Agony and the Ecstasy Prize: y'know, say what you want about John Degenkolb's chances had a hideous crash not taken 3/4 of the riders down without 'im, but Degenkolb's utter gutted exhaustion as he collapsed after the line was the epitome of what it takes to win. Geez, man, I hope you got your breath back by *now*!
French (Are) Toast Statuette: from Paolini to Visconti to Pirazzi to Santambrogio to, oh yeah, some "Nibali" character, the Italians were just *stompin'* in their home race this year. Could the French, in their home Grand Tour, say the same for, say, the entire last quarter-century? Step it up, kids--you've got til July not to shame your own country!
Divine Comedy Prize: oh, Danilo Di Luca. After your return from pipi-degli-angeli exile, it was awful fun of you to animate the race so frequently--tho' it was even skeeving out your own hometown journalists by the end of the first week. But when Lance-freakin'-Armstrong has the moral authority to call you an "idiot" for doping (well, getting caught anyway), you *know* you're a class-A chump. Che cretino, Danilo--you couldn't summon the brains to do this right just *once*?
Run! Run Away! Run Children! Run for Your Life! Award: Cadel Evans' mechanic--I don't know yer name, and if I were you I'd sure as hell change it, but this is a cash prize to buy a lifetime's worth of camping gear and a ticket to a remote landing strip in some deserted impenetrable craphole. Trust me, after Cadel's bike blew up on him on Tre Cime, you're better off there anyway!
Euromullet Award: not since the great days of Mario "the Chest" Cipollini have so many flowing locks taken so much aerodynamic advantage away from the GC contenders. But of all of 'em, Rigoberto Uran's take the hairspray. Welcome back 1980s--hell, half the squads already brought back the eye-gougingly flourescent team kits!
Twit-pic o' the Giro: okay, those snaps o' the riders covered in icicles *were* diverting. But in the midst of all the media hoopla about Pippo Pozzato's "mafioso" tactics and, well, leisurely approach to his profession, and in a scene straight outta some desperate 1960s "seduce yer man" playbook, Pippo wrapped himself in Saran Wrap for the cameras. Heck, that's twice as much as he usually wears--better luck next time I guess, fanboys 'n' girls!
Sweet Gesture Award: no snark, just admiration--for Cav's dedication of his stage win to the fallen Wouter Weylandt, and Benat Intxausti's to his lost friend Xavi Tondo. You done well by them, gentlemen--and such a kind gift to their families!
No-Show o' the Race: oh, sure, Cav never got his Petacchi, and poor Ivan Basso couldn't even start--but breathless near-daily team reports on the state of his ginormous nuttal cyst certainly kept us in the know. Nope, this win belongs to dark-horse pre-race press-darling Robert Gesink, finally bailing in total dejection (and obscurity) within the very sight of the finish line. Well, the boy is still a whipper-snapper--just bag a few short stage races, and they'll have your back again next year!
The Fine Colombian Award: geez, what a giant mark these few guys made in the race--between Betancur snagging the young rider's jersey on the penultimate day, to Henao's brave rides before he finally faded, to unexpected-team-leader-then-surprise-podium-runner-up Rigoberto Uran Uran, notice has formally been given to Sky and AG2R that they better waaaay-improve their contracts or lose 'em to greener pastures next year! Did we mention that if these wee climbers can halfway learn to time trial they'll be particularly hard to beat? Particular congrats to Uran for also taking this year's Diplomat o' the Race Award for (okay, maybe he did needlessly slag Froome a bit) remaining so discreetly humble in the face of Brad's increasingly-obnoxious desperation and his own increasingly-obvious supremacy!
Oh, Just Go *Home* You Wannabes Award: he won five--five!--sprint stages--with and without the lead-out train he so extravangantly credited--and, despite a little on-camera swearing amidst the argy-bargy at the intermediate sprint points, even snatched his red jersey back from the ravages of the cold snowy mountains--and Vincenzo Nibali--literally in the last few moments of the race. Mark Cavendish, you are simply unbeatable--well done, and Elia Viviani, there are way worse guys you (and every other helpless fast man in the peloton) can lose to!
Game-Changer o' the Race: yes, Nibali probably--almost certainly--had the maglia rosa tied up by the second-to-last mountain stage. But we'll never *really* know for certain, because the Gavia and Stelvio stage was cancelled, and even the Tre Cime stage took some serious kilometers outta the course. And in the Giro, as poor Cadel found out yesterday, and even considering Vincenzo's Abominable-Snowman imperviousness to snow, anything--from crash to mechanical to just plain bonk--could've happened. Damn, Mother Nature, if you wanna run the Giro in December instead just say so!
Class Move o' the Giro: finally, well done to 2013 champ Vincenzo Nibali, who generously gave his traditional victory show-off to the great, retiring 2000 winner Stefano Garzelli. No matter how anyone thinks you won this jersey, Vincenzo--and I'm not saying I'm among them, both because you're the current subject of a Rider Insult Moratorium and because Vino might break my kneecaps--they sure can't deny your grace!
Well, that's another great Giro d'Italia in the bag, some serious wine 'n' prosciutto in the stomach, and some major prosecco to suck down for our champions. Gentlemen, enjoy your trophies--may the Battle o' Brad'n'Froome begin!
M-M-M-M-M-M-My Poker Face Award: He wins. He's tranquillo. He loses. He's tranquillo. His rivals crack. He's tranquillo. His rivals surge. He's tranquillo. He's actually being chipped out of a giant block of ice on top of Tre Cime, he's tranquillo. Vincenzo Nibali, you ain't called the Shark for nothin'--anyway we can only *assume* you're actually happy today, so complimenti on a fabulous win!
Andy Schleck Memorial Whining Award: It's rainy. It's sunny. It's windy. It's descendy. I got caught out behind a crash. I got caught out in front of a crash. HOW DARE YOU NOTICE RIGOBERTO URAN INSTEAD OF ME FOR ONE SECOND YOU IGNORANT DIRT-DWELLING PEASANT! Oh shut *up*, Brad Wiggins--you cherry-picked your course, you still got beat, for chrissakes quit whinging already!
Total Tool o' the Race Auxiliary Prize: congrats, Brad, it's a two-fer! You lose your mojo, and you not only insult the iron-tough grievously-underpaid and distinctly-underpampered entire women's peloton in an effort to justify your own inadequacy, but you start being a merely tepid support to yer !@#-saving corsa-ripping Colombian domestiques and immediately spend the rest of the race--before you quit--trying to steal back the Tour defense you never even really cared about (uh, sure!) from Chris Froome. *Please*, Sky, don't let this spoiled princess screw your second straight Grand Tour this season...
American Idol Award: Ryder Hesjedal, this one's for you! Something bad--really, really bad--was going on out there, yet you doggedly honored the maglia rosa you were defending until there wasn't a single pedal stroke left in your legs. And *still* some misguided soulless goons gave you crap. Salute, Ryder, now rest up and get well soon--you done Canada, your entire swooning continent, and most of all the beautiful Giro d'Italia proud!
The Agony and the Ecstasy Prize: y'know, say what you want about John Degenkolb's chances had a hideous crash not taken 3/4 of the riders down without 'im, but Degenkolb's utter gutted exhaustion as he collapsed after the line was the epitome of what it takes to win. Geez, man, I hope you got your breath back by *now*!
French (Are) Toast Statuette: from Paolini to Visconti to Pirazzi to Santambrogio to, oh yeah, some "Nibali" character, the Italians were just *stompin'* in their home race this year. Could the French, in their home Grand Tour, say the same for, say, the entire last quarter-century? Step it up, kids--you've got til July not to shame your own country!
Divine Comedy Prize: oh, Danilo Di Luca. After your return from pipi-degli-angeli exile, it was awful fun of you to animate the race so frequently--tho' it was even skeeving out your own hometown journalists by the end of the first week. But when Lance-freakin'-Armstrong has the moral authority to call you an "idiot" for doping (well, getting caught anyway), you *know* you're a class-A chump. Che cretino, Danilo--you couldn't summon the brains to do this right just *once*?
Run! Run Away! Run Children! Run for Your Life! Award: Cadel Evans' mechanic--I don't know yer name, and if I were you I'd sure as hell change it, but this is a cash prize to buy a lifetime's worth of camping gear and a ticket to a remote landing strip in some deserted impenetrable craphole. Trust me, after Cadel's bike blew up on him on Tre Cime, you're better off there anyway!
Euromullet Award: not since the great days of Mario "the Chest" Cipollini have so many flowing locks taken so much aerodynamic advantage away from the GC contenders. But of all of 'em, Rigoberto Uran's take the hairspray. Welcome back 1980s--hell, half the squads already brought back the eye-gougingly flourescent team kits!
Twit-pic o' the Giro: okay, those snaps o' the riders covered in icicles *were* diverting. But in the midst of all the media hoopla about Pippo Pozzato's "mafioso" tactics and, well, leisurely approach to his profession, and in a scene straight outta some desperate 1960s "seduce yer man" playbook, Pippo wrapped himself in Saran Wrap for the cameras. Heck, that's twice as much as he usually wears--better luck next time I guess, fanboys 'n' girls!
Sweet Gesture Award: no snark, just admiration--for Cav's dedication of his stage win to the fallen Wouter Weylandt, and Benat Intxausti's to his lost friend Xavi Tondo. You done well by them, gentlemen--and such a kind gift to their families!
No-Show o' the Race: oh, sure, Cav never got his Petacchi, and poor Ivan Basso couldn't even start--but breathless near-daily team reports on the state of his ginormous nuttal cyst certainly kept us in the know. Nope, this win belongs to dark-horse pre-race press-darling Robert Gesink, finally bailing in total dejection (and obscurity) within the very sight of the finish line. Well, the boy is still a whipper-snapper--just bag a few short stage races, and they'll have your back again next year!
The Fine Colombian Award: geez, what a giant mark these few guys made in the race--between Betancur snagging the young rider's jersey on the penultimate day, to Henao's brave rides before he finally faded, to unexpected-team-leader-then-surprise-podium-runner-up Rigoberto Uran Uran, notice has formally been given to Sky and AG2R that they better waaaay-improve their contracts or lose 'em to greener pastures next year! Did we mention that if these wee climbers can halfway learn to time trial they'll be particularly hard to beat? Particular congrats to Uran for also taking this year's Diplomat o' the Race Award for (okay, maybe he did needlessly slag Froome a bit) remaining so discreetly humble in the face of Brad's increasingly-obnoxious desperation and his own increasingly-obvious supremacy!
Oh, Just Go *Home* You Wannabes Award: he won five--five!--sprint stages--with and without the lead-out train he so extravangantly credited--and, despite a little on-camera swearing amidst the argy-bargy at the intermediate sprint points, even snatched his red jersey back from the ravages of the cold snowy mountains--and Vincenzo Nibali--literally in the last few moments of the race. Mark Cavendish, you are simply unbeatable--well done, and Elia Viviani, there are way worse guys you (and every other helpless fast man in the peloton) can lose to!
Game-Changer o' the Race: yes, Nibali probably--almost certainly--had the maglia rosa tied up by the second-to-last mountain stage. But we'll never *really* know for certain, because the Gavia and Stelvio stage was cancelled, and even the Tre Cime stage took some serious kilometers outta the course. And in the Giro, as poor Cadel found out yesterday, and even considering Vincenzo's Abominable-Snowman imperviousness to snow, anything--from crash to mechanical to just plain bonk--could've happened. Damn, Mother Nature, if you wanna run the Giro in December instead just say so!
Class Move o' the Giro: finally, well done to 2013 champ Vincenzo Nibali, who generously gave his traditional victory show-off to the great, retiring 2000 winner Stefano Garzelli. No matter how anyone thinks you won this jersey, Vincenzo--and I'm not saying I'm among them, both because you're the current subject of a Rider Insult Moratorium and because Vino might break my kneecaps--they sure can't deny your grace!
Well, that's another great Giro d'Italia in the bag, some serious wine 'n' prosciutto in the stomach, and some major prosecco to suck down for our champions. Gentlemen, enjoy your trophies--may the Battle o' Brad'n'Froome begin!
Friday, May 24, 2013
Danilo Wants a Do-Over; Lance Chimes In; and, Last Chance to Call the Podium and Win!
So Are We Pissed 'Cause He Doped, Or Pissed 'Cause He Just Doped Stupid?: yes, the Giro d'Italia stage was canceled but the drama went on: Danilo "Strawberry Shortcake" Di Luca, previously busted for using so much masking agent he topped out with lower testosterone levels than a Ken doll, was nailed yet again for EPO. Danilo's take? He's optimistically--if delusionally--waiting for the B sample before he talks. Peloton reaction was, natch--and surely on the iron-fisted advice of their PR folks--swift. My fave tweet: Movistar's recent stage winner Benat Inxtausti telling Di Luca discreetly, in Italian, to shove it up his !@#. Hey, you ever suggest that to yer incredibly clean teammate Alejandro "Bloodbag" Valverde? Thought not! Lance Armstrong, of course, got all the attention, calling Di Luca a "f___ing idiot," but apparently just for getting nailed, not the actual cheating. Geez Lance, if Danilo had your power, your sponsorship dough, your expensively stoked-to-the-gills domestiques to fuel your astonishing palmares, *and* yer machiavellian mastermind Johan Bruyneel in his pocket, maybe *he* could have afforded the obscenely huge $$$ to be as "smart" as you too! Friendly note to nearly-deadly-inept drug-stuffing life-banned mountains freak Riccardo Ricco': coincidental timing or not, tweeting a pic of you and Danilo riding together is *not* doing the boy any favors. you're *not* doing Danilo Di Luca any favors tweeting a pic of the two of you riding together. !@#$, just post photos of the two of you with syringes in your rumps giving the camera a big thumbs-up whydontcha? 
It's the Mountain o' Truth, Baby!: finally, while Cav sits tight awaiting his inevitable win on Sunday, there's now just one truncated day left for the podium fighters to make their cases, so I, for one, am expecting a full-on attackfest brawl between Cadel, Rigoberto, Michele and (for the stage win--shut up! will too!) Samuel Sanchez. So enter here, brownnose me about the superior fabulousness of Euskaltel, grab eternal glory, and win yourself a cycling cap! The profile (so far this evening):
Forza, forza Cadel and Samu--and watch out for those neon snakes at Lampre!
It's the Mountain o' Truth, Baby!: finally, while Cav sits tight awaiting his inevitable win on Sunday, there's now just one truncated day left for the podium fighters to make their cases, so I, for one, am expecting a full-on attackfest brawl between Cadel, Rigoberto, Michele and (for the stage win--shut up! will too!) Samuel Sanchez. So enter here, brownnose me about the superior fabulousness of Euskaltel, grab eternal glory, and win yourself a cycling cap! The profile (so far this evening):
Forza, forza Cadel and Samu--and watch out for those neon snakes at Lampre!
Thursday, May 23, 2013
It Ain't Over 'Til Scarponi Whangs a Musette Into Uran's Face to Try to Grab a Podium Spot
Or Worse, Into His Hairdo: yes, just as I was about to screech like a swooning Schleck-fan over we love Samuel Sanchez' smashing uphill time trial at the Giro, maglia rosa Vincenzo Nibali crushed him--and Cadel's Giro-winning hopes--spiritually, but the podium's still wide open, 'cause (1) any freak thing can happen in this race and (2)either way, between Cadel Uran and Scarponi, at least with the snow-slammed Gavia and Stelvio out, and the merely rain-and-snow-slammed Passo del Tonale in, and even Saturday's stage profile damn near anyone's guess, there's plenty o' room for carnage. And *so* close Samu'--glad to see you're getting your legs, and your confidence, back! Tomorrow's revised corsa rosa: 
You Ask Him--No, *You* Ask Him: meantime, gracious as Cadel was in today's defeat (and I hope he don't have to start defending his newly-confirmed Tour leadership to boot), the predictable "is he or isn't he" speculation is already a-swirl around poor hardworking Nibali, which, though certainly both healthy and reasonable, ought soon be quieted anyhow when Vinokourov sends a pack o' truncheon-wielding goons around to beat down everyone's computer and/or smartphone til they splinter into useless jagged smithereens. Uh, he's innocent Vino--we believe you, we swear it!
Hell Hath No Fury Like a Celebrity-Whoring Enabler Scorned: yep, never fear, faithful cycling fans: according to none other than UCI's Pat "Dick" McQuaid, since no-one's even doping anymore, minor problems like "barely any current effective testing" needn't worry you, and cycling is back from the abyss, baby! Oh, and did Pat "I'M FRIENDS WITH LANCE! I'M FRIENDS WITH LANCE! I'M--UH, I REALLY HATE LANCE!" McQ mention he *really* hates Lance Armstrong? Please, can't *someone* get this tool outta cycling--oh wait, Ireland tried to--nice job there Switzerland for saving his !@# and prolonging this farce!
Languedoc Ain't For Wussies: finally, congrats to Brit badass Emma Pooley for bagging the "chaotic" Tour de Languedoc, and even more, calling out the race organizers for the entire trainwreck. I'd love to show you some video, but then, this is women's cycling, so unfortunately, we seem to be screwed. All the same, right on Emma--maybe now they'll fix it for next year!
You Ask Him--No, *You* Ask Him: meantime, gracious as Cadel was in today's defeat (and I hope he don't have to start defending his newly-confirmed Tour leadership to boot), the predictable "is he or isn't he" speculation is already a-swirl around poor hardworking Nibali, which, though certainly both healthy and reasonable, ought soon be quieted anyhow when Vinokourov sends a pack o' truncheon-wielding goons around to beat down everyone's computer and/or smartphone til they splinter into useless jagged smithereens. Uh, he's innocent Vino--we believe you, we swear it!
Hell Hath No Fury Like a Celebrity-Whoring Enabler Scorned: yep, never fear, faithful cycling fans: according to none other than UCI's Pat "Dick" McQuaid, since no-one's even doping anymore, minor problems like "barely any current effective testing" needn't worry you, and cycling is back from the abyss, baby! Oh, and did Pat "I'M FRIENDS WITH LANCE! I'M FRIENDS WITH LANCE! I'M--UH, I REALLY HATE LANCE!" McQ mention he *really* hates Lance Armstrong? Please, can't *someone* get this tool outta cycling--oh wait, Ireland tried to--nice job there Switzerland for saving his !@# and prolonging this farce!
Languedoc Ain't For Wussies: finally, congrats to Brit badass Emma Pooley for bagging the "chaotic" Tour de Languedoc, and even more, calling out the race organizers for the entire trainwreck. I'd love to show you some video, but then, this is women's cycling, so unfortunately, we seem to be screwed. All the same, right on Emma--maybe now they'll fix it for next year!
You Tough Enough to Call the Podium? Enter the Giro d'Italia Racejunkie Win Free Stuff Contest!
Oh sure, it's all wrapped up--maaaaaaybe. Prove your cycling studliness, and enter week tre of our contest here for a chance to win (1) a custom-embroidered cycling cap from Walz Caps; (2) a passel o' bitchin' racejunkie stickers; and (3) a Two-Week Rider Insult Moratorium on your peloton hero!
In bocca al lupo a tutti!
In bocca al lupo a tutti!
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
In Which Tom Boonen (Sorta) Breaks My Heart; It's the Tour o' Belgium, Honey!; and, Enter to Win!
The Classics Hardmen Return!: wondering what's become of all yer spring-king Classics faves? Yep, from new-dad Philippe Gilbert, still fighting the curse of the rainbow jersey, to kinda-besmirched LL Cool Sanchez, to Fabian Cancellara and injury-plagued we love Tom Boonen, they're all lining up to reclaim their dignity at this week's Tour o' Belgium. Hell, the weather can't be worse than at the Giro, right? This oughta be a skip-through-a-field-o'-daisies for you guys!
Bite Me, Lefevere You Tool!: well, Happy Birthday to Cav, who got to celebrate his 28th not only with a bitchin' cake in the red jersey, but the news that not only is former maillot vert Tom Boonen not riding the Tour de France to back him up as Cavendish so desired, but he's probably not gonna ever ride it again, either. Quoth his backstabbing manager, Patrick Lefevere, who so happily bragged about Boonen's incredible 2012 after dope-slapping in the press for 2 straight years prior, "a rider who fears a three-week race, do not force him to change his mind." Thanks for calling your own star a simpering wuss, you mercenary goon! Oh, Tommeke, how can we get your last season's joie de vivre back..I mean, if you're serious about staying off the party drugs and all, maybe some nice general carousing and a new Ferrari to play with might cheer you up?
Geez, What Does *That* Take?: meantime, several riders, including Euskaltel-Euskadi breakway artist Gorka Verdugo, were busted and fined today at the Giro for "unseeming behaviour which damages the image of cycling." Awesome, forza Gorka! So what the heck does that mean--tossing a musette into your rival's crankset at the intermediate mountains points? sucker-punching that guy running next to you in a bunny suit like an !@#hole? improper noogying? Well, whatever the lurid sin, Euskaltel sure ain't talkin'!
Naranja, The Colour of Competition: heck, does it even matter what they're saying? It's a tribute to the Orange Army, and Euskaltel--woo-hoo!
Predict the Giro Podium and Win!: finally, enter here to predict the podium, gain eternal glory, and win neat stuff!
Bite Me, Lefevere You Tool!: well, Happy Birthday to Cav, who got to celebrate his 28th not only with a bitchin' cake in the red jersey, but the news that not only is former maillot vert Tom Boonen not riding the Tour de France to back him up as Cavendish so desired, but he's probably not gonna ever ride it again, either. Quoth his backstabbing manager, Patrick Lefevere, who so happily bragged about Boonen's incredible 2012 after dope-slapping in the press for 2 straight years prior, "a rider who fears a three-week race, do not force him to change his mind." Thanks for calling your own star a simpering wuss, you mercenary goon! Oh, Tommeke, how can we get your last season's joie de vivre back..I mean, if you're serious about staying off the party drugs and all, maybe some nice general carousing and a new Ferrari to play with might cheer you up?
Geez, What Does *That* Take?: meantime, several riders, including Euskaltel-Euskadi breakway artist Gorka Verdugo, were busted and fined today at the Giro for "unseeming behaviour which damages the image of cycling." Awesome, forza Gorka! So what the heck does that mean--tossing a musette into your rival's crankset at the intermediate mountains points? sucker-punching that guy running next to you in a bunny suit like an !@#hole? improper noogying? Well, whatever the lurid sin, Euskaltel sure ain't talkin'!
Naranja, The Colour of Competition: heck, does it even matter what they're saying? It's a tribute to the Orange Army, and Euskaltel--woo-hoo!
Predict the Giro Podium and Win!: finally, enter here to predict the podium, gain eternal glory, and win neat stuff!
Monday, May 20, 2013
*That's* a Freakin' Rest Day?
Pippo, Suave: well, it's sure been an action-packed day o' rest at the Giro d'Italia: while maglia rosa Vincenzo Nibali remains cagey, Cadel Evans professes (not unreasonably) optimism, and the weather looks to toss the GC into chaos as mountain stages continue on the verge of rearrangement, an Italian journalist excoriated humble Scarponi domestique/comelier-than-thou peloton studpup Pippo Pozzato as a vain, lazy, glasses-and-shoe-matching, tv-whoring prima donna, and an angry hosed breakaway rider from Bardiani called him a "mafioso" for allegedly organizing a screw-the-organizers temporary race-slowdown to (not unfairly, for heck's sake) protest dangerous conditions on Mont Cenis. Of course, the entire twitsphere, including the gallant Taylor Phinney, immediately leapt to his defense. Try picking on someone less pretty (and charming) next time, jerkface! 
Only the Good Die (Well, Retire) Young: and, in 'retirement' news, poor teamless Levi Leipheimer finally called it quits while guys who profited amazingly handsomely for doing the same disgusting !@#$ but didn't actually get busted for it twice continue in the peloton, as if that makes any sense, and Heras'-Vuelta-thieving weasel Denis Menchov unexpectedly called it a career over "knee trouble." In addition to his impressive palmares, Menchov also managed to rack up a 9-out-of-10 on the doper-suspicion scale in recent years, a truly stellar achievement considering the A-list competition on that front. Don't worry, Denis--'fess up a little, sniffle up a storm, and a lucrative DS gig should soon be yours!
Get In the Kitchen and Make Me Some Pie!: finally, it's really been heartwarming to see the total disregard for women's cycling this past week, as first that pig Wiggo bemoans his lack of manly descending skills, then the course at the Amgen EPO Tour of California isn't even wholly closed to traffic for the women's race, and lastly, the Tour de Languedoc screwed itself and half its amazing peloton by keeping the teams entirely in the dark as to whether they'd even be racing the damn thing right 'til it was time to clip in their freakin' pedals. One remaining bright spot: July's Giro Donne, with 20 teams and 160 riders set to start. What, some other race starts then too? Never heard of it!
Only the Good Die (Well, Retire) Young: and, in 'retirement' news, poor teamless Levi Leipheimer finally called it quits while guys who profited amazingly handsomely for doing the same disgusting !@#$ but didn't actually get busted for it twice continue in the peloton, as if that makes any sense, and Heras'-Vuelta-thieving weasel Denis Menchov unexpectedly called it a career over "knee trouble." In addition to his impressive palmares, Menchov also managed to rack up a 9-out-of-10 on the doper-suspicion scale in recent years, a truly stellar achievement considering the A-list competition on that front. Don't worry, Denis--'fess up a little, sniffle up a storm, and a lucrative DS gig should soon be yours!
Get In the Kitchen and Make Me Some Pie!: finally, it's really been heartwarming to see the total disregard for women's cycling this past week, as first that pig Wiggo bemoans his lack of manly descending skills, then the course at the Amgen EPO Tour of California isn't even wholly closed to traffic for the women's race, and lastly, the Tour de Languedoc screwed itself and half its amazing peloton by keeping the teams entirely in the dark as to whether they'd even be racing the damn thing right 'til it was time to clip in their freakin' pedals. One remaining bright spot: July's Giro Donne, with 20 teams and 160 riders set to start. What, some other race starts then too? Never heard of it!
Sunday, May 19, 2013
It's the 2013 Giro d'Italia Racejunkie Win Free Stuff Contest Part 3!
Show Your Giro Genius and Win!: yep, y'all predict the final podium, you enter it here, your correct answer gets picked outta the Holy Once-Eroski Cap o' Destiny (no peekin' I promise!), and you win (1) a custom-embroidered cycling cap (2) a two-week rider insult moratorium on your peloton hero and (3)a wunk o' racejunkie stickers to adorn (deface, whatever) your chosen surfaces! In bocca al lupo a tutti!
We've Got a Winner!: and, complimenti to our Week Due winner Dan, who picked one of our two correct (one tragically) answers, "Samu won't win a stage this week," and "Euskaltel are gods." Dan, check yer email to claim yer prizes, and thanks for playing!
We've Got a Winner!: and, complimenti to our Week Due winner Dan, who picked one of our two correct (one tragically) answers, "Samu won't win a stage this week," and "Euskaltel are gods." Dan, check yer email to claim yer prizes, and thanks for playing!
It's The Galibier, Baby!: Vincenzo Nibali Faces the Cold #giro
Lookin' Good Up There!: yep, it's the morning of the fateful (and snow-shortened) Galibier, baby, and here's the state of affairs as 6 a.m. this morning:
Nibali Takes It On: in related news, as fragile guys like Michele Scarponi froze so bad up the climb to Sestiere yesterday they were forced to cut off their interviews from shivering and glom their hands on their soigneur's necks to suck the warmth outta the poor sods, the impenetrable-to-cold Vincenzo Nibali, who alone among his bundled-up counterparts conquered the bitter mountain in a short-sleeved jersey and no gloves, announced yesterday in an official Team Astana press release that he's going to climb the Galibier today clad only in bike shoes and a jock strap.
Vino been stickin' you in a meat locker for hours as punishment for poor training rides or something Nibali? Anyway, that major act o' psychological warfare--much less the breezy outfit--oughta scare the crap outta yer wimpy sun-lovin' competitors--forza, forza Vincenzo!
Here, the revised course:
Nibali Takes It On: in related news, as fragile guys like Michele Scarponi froze so bad up the climb to Sestiere yesterday they were forced to cut off their interviews from shivering and glom their hands on their soigneur's necks to suck the warmth outta the poor sods, the impenetrable-to-cold Vincenzo Nibali, who alone among his bundled-up counterparts conquered the bitter mountain in a short-sleeved jersey and no gloves, announced yesterday in an official Team Astana press release that he's going to climb the Galibier today clad only in bike shoes and a jock strap.
Vino been stickin' you in a meat locker for hours as punishment for poor training rides or something Nibali? Anyway, that major act o' psychological warfare--much less the breezy outfit--oughta scare the crap outta yer wimpy sun-lovin' competitors--forza, forza Vincenzo! Here, the revised course:
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow (Just Not on the Freakin' Galibier!) #giro
You're As Cold As Ice: yep, after more'n a week in relentless pounding rain, the Giro d'Italia peloton finally gets a break: now that they're finally in the glorious (and race-determining) mountains, it's a blizzard instead! Upshot: to honestly the relief and agreement of the GC contenders, today's climb to Sestriere is cancelled, replaced by a summit finish at Jafferau. Unfortunately, looks like it'll still be raining in Bardonecchia, so bundle up anyway boys! Tomorrow: the beautiful and fearsome Galibier likely faces the axe, some silly thing over a "threat of avalanche." What, you guys don't want a little push on the descents--you've been complaining about 'em all week!
Gone With the Wind (Well, Rain Mostly): meantime, as Ryder Hesjedal (an honorable defense, Ryder!) tries to figure out what went wrong and Brad Wiggins recovers from his crap chest cold, Chris Froome has reportedly built an impenetrable bunker in the Sky team bus to protect his now-blown position as team leader in the Tour de France, cutting off access to the coffee machine, booby-trapping the chamois cream with hot red pepper flakes and armed with his trusty hipster-haircut-destroying buzz-cut clippers should Brad attempt a hostile takeover. Oh come on, Brad, be a sport--you hate the cold and wet, right, so why not just saute yerself over at the hot hot mountains at the Vuelta instead and leave Froomey to the Tour he's earned--of course, you'll have to keep up with your own teammates first!
Jeeeeens! Jeeeeeeeeens! Jeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnssssss!: finally, it's time for the Amgen EPO Tour o' California to just pack it up and go home, because once Jens Voigt wins a stage in one of his joyous slobbering Labrador-retriever-on-tennis-ball attackfests, really, despite Tejay putting in a rippingly exciting time trial yesterday and all, what's the point of anything else? Just give Jens his Kingship of the Entire Planet already, set the man up a sacred throne room in every country he visits, and commence the worship already!
And, Last Few Hours This Week, Enter to Win Here!
Gone With the Wind (Well, Rain Mostly): meantime, as Ryder Hesjedal (an honorable defense, Ryder!) tries to figure out what went wrong and Brad Wiggins recovers from his crap chest cold, Chris Froome has reportedly built an impenetrable bunker in the Sky team bus to protect his now-blown position as team leader in the Tour de France, cutting off access to the coffee machine, booby-trapping the chamois cream with hot red pepper flakes and armed with his trusty hipster-haircut-destroying buzz-cut clippers should Brad attempt a hostile takeover. Oh come on, Brad, be a sport--you hate the cold and wet, right, so why not just saute yerself over at the hot hot mountains at the Vuelta instead and leave Froomey to the Tour he's earned--of course, you'll have to keep up with your own teammates first!
Jeeeeens! Jeeeeeeeeens! Jeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnssssss!: finally, it's time for the Amgen EPO Tour o' California to just pack it up and go home, because once Jens Voigt wins a stage in one of his joyous slobbering Labrador-retriever-on-tennis-ball attackfests, really, despite Tejay putting in a rippingly exciting time trial yesterday and all, what's the point of anything else? Just give Jens his Kingship of the Entire Planet already, set the man up a sacred throne room in every country he visits, and commence the worship already!
And, Last Few Hours This Week, Enter to Win Here!
Friday, May 17, 2013
Will Samuel Sanchez Take the Stage? Enter to Win! #giro
Yeah, he's just been resting! Anyway, answer this week's question, brownnose me about fabulous Euskaltel, and enter here to win a dashing cycling cap and other prizes!
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Garmin Gets Its Groove Back!; and, Enter to Win the 2013 Giro d'Italia Racejunkie Win Free Stuff Contest Part Due! #giro
Tyler's Back, Baby!: yes, it was great to see Garmin regroup at the Giro and Ramunas Navardauskas take a smashing--and surely team-cheering--win today. And it was fabulous to finally see Tyler Farrar, after so long a rough patch, look so happy and at home at the finish line again. But even better to me was that, whatever the hell is going on with Ryder Hesjedal--and whether or not he even continues another day at this point--he has, by sticking it this long, really honored the maglia rosa he fought to hard to win in the first place. Auguri Ryder, bravo Navardauskas, sei fortissimo Tyler--and damn, nice save there by Vaughters! 
I Toldja, Froomey: and, it's lookin' grimmer'n even yesterday for Chris Froome's Tour de France ambitions, as Brad Wiggins fights off a suckmaster of a chest cold that, if he wants, could also form a hell of an excuse to bail outta the Giro to fire up the ol' engines for July. Dang, can't *anyone* at Sky keep these guys under control for ten minutes--or at least 'til Froome bails for a bazillion dollars somewhere else this summer?
News From The Riccardo Ricco' Utter Lack of Self-Preservation Department: look, I get it. You want to win the Tour de France, or Giro, or Vuelta, or Roubaix. And you'll do almost anything for it. But you are seriously going to allegedly risk developing a giant *tumor* just to be a freakin' last-chance domestique at Lampre?! Please guys--no matter what you're gonna win, or even warm the seats in the team bus for, it's just not that important. Now quit taking all this dangerous crap and please, please stay healthy instead!
Predict the Giro and Win!: yes, it's still Week 2 of our Giro d'Italia Racejunkie Win Free Stuff Contest--predict the Giro here, survive the Holy Once-Eroski Cap o' Destiny, and enjoy the prizes!
I Toldja, Froomey: and, it's lookin' grimmer'n even yesterday for Chris Froome's Tour de France ambitions, as Brad Wiggins fights off a suckmaster of a chest cold that, if he wants, could also form a hell of an excuse to bail outta the Giro to fire up the ol' engines for July. Dang, can't *anyone* at Sky keep these guys under control for ten minutes--or at least 'til Froome bails for a bazillion dollars somewhere else this summer?
News From The Riccardo Ricco' Utter Lack of Self-Preservation Department: look, I get it. You want to win the Tour de France, or Giro, or Vuelta, or Roubaix. And you'll do almost anything for it. But you are seriously going to allegedly risk developing a giant *tumor* just to be a freakin' last-chance domestique at Lampre?! Please guys--no matter what you're gonna win, or even warm the seats in the team bus for, it's just not that important. Now quit taking all this dangerous crap and please, please stay healthy instead!
Predict the Giro and Win!: yes, it's still Week 2 of our Giro d'Italia Racejunkie Win Free Stuff Contest--predict the Giro here, survive the Holy Once-Eroski Cap o' Destiny, and enjoy the prizes!
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Watch Out, Froomey: Brad's Coming to Take His Tour Back! #giro
Back off, Beeyotch!: Well, Froome, if his constant strip-tease over whether he'll show you his team leadership at the Tour didn't convince you yet, this oughta do the trick: after a coupla lackluster days in the saddle, and even given his Colombian lieutenants' hasty diss that they're "not [you]" and don't plan to backstab Wiggo at the Giro, Sir Brad is tentatively possibly theoretically ready to support Rigoberto Uran Uran for the GC in the Giro. Uh oh, you know what *that* means--he no longer thinks he's fighting for number 1 in Italy, and whether or not he's suited to the course this year or not, he wants his chance at Paris *back*! No offense, Chris, but my money sez that if that guitar-twanging royal puts his foot down, you're gonna be tossed into the bushes like an empty drool-soaked water bottle. Well, I'm sure you won't mind giving Wiggo a hand (hell, a whole body) up the mountains in France--you sure were a good sport about it last year!
California Here I Come: meantime, over at the Amgen EPO Tour of California, stage-winning sprinter Peter Sagan playfully grabbed noted actor Robert Downey Jr.'s !@# at the podium presentation, upon which Downey immediately morphed into Iron Man and pounded Sagan 300 miles into the Earth's mantle with a single blow. Bonus--it took the focus off the extremely widespread and gnarly press coverage of poor Ivan Basso's nut-al region cyst. Anyway, Peter, be grateful that's all you got for yer shenanigans this time--and congrats on another great win!
California Here I Come: meantime, over at the Amgen EPO Tour of California, stage-winning sprinter Peter Sagan playfully grabbed noted actor Robert Downey Jr.'s !@# at the podium presentation, upon which Downey immediately morphed into Iron Man and pounded Sagan 300 miles into the Earth's mantle with a single blow. Bonus--it took the focus off the extremely widespread and gnarly press coverage of poor Ivan Basso's nut-al region cyst. Anyway, Peter, be grateful that's all you got for yer shenanigans this time--and congrats on another great win!
Monday, May 13, 2013
It's Your Giro d'Italia Rest Day Roundup!
Yep, Brad's still whinging about the time trial, Nibali's still being ultra-complimentary--or cagey--towards his rivals, and it's time for our first 2013 Giro d'Italia rest day roundup! The score:
1. Being able to win a whole freakin' Grand Tour because you're basically a time trial specialist is bull!@#$. What next, the !@#$in' sprinters are gonna be on the final podium for GC and the climbers are just gonna be fighting for crappy stage wins?
2. Weather. What the hell is this, Belgium? Throw in a !@#damn tornado and suck Wiggins to the top of the Stelvio whydontcha? It's the only way he's gonna make it up to the top if Rigoberto Uran bushwhacks his own team leader anyway...
3. Michele Scarponi being this high on GC just plain creeps me out. Like Valverde, with a glaring-er team kit!
4. Angel Vicioso is one Stuey O'Gradian hard-man. Finishing a stage with three broken ribs, a broken wrist, a cracked scapula, and one nasty all-body bruising? We're not worthy, we're not worthy!
5. Come on, Sky. Yes, every worthy GC contender needs faithful domestiques who stay faithful; hell, I'm still irked by Damiano Cunego hosing over Gilberto Simoni in like 1906. But you're just setting yourself up for more Froomeian scorn here. Let Henao & Uran off the leash sometime!
6. Alexandre Vinokourov--and by extension, of course, Vincenzo Nibali--is running one smart race. And, I'm disgusted to say, I still love 'im from the core of my dirty, dirty little soul. Way to go Vino, and forza, forza Lo Squalo!
7. Don't be an ass, Wiggins. You don't "descend like a girl." You descend like a Schleck.
8. So Ryder's human. !@#$ off!
9. So Samu' is human. !@#$ off!
10. Cav's got me convinced: even without a reliably functioning lead-out train, he is just the fastest SOB on the planet. Did I mention he won our week-one contest's Two-Week Rider Insult Moratorium?
Tomorrow: up.
GC contenders, enjoy!
1. Being able to win a whole freakin' Grand Tour because you're basically a time trial specialist is bull!@#$. What next, the !@#$in' sprinters are gonna be on the final podium for GC and the climbers are just gonna be fighting for crappy stage wins?
2. Weather. What the hell is this, Belgium? Throw in a !@#damn tornado and suck Wiggins to the top of the Stelvio whydontcha? It's the only way he's gonna make it up to the top if Rigoberto Uran bushwhacks his own team leader anyway...
3. Michele Scarponi being this high on GC just plain creeps me out. Like Valverde, with a glaring-er team kit!
4. Angel Vicioso is one Stuey O'Gradian hard-man. Finishing a stage with three broken ribs, a broken wrist, a cracked scapula, and one nasty all-body bruising? We're not worthy, we're not worthy!
5. Come on, Sky. Yes, every worthy GC contender needs faithful domestiques who stay faithful; hell, I'm still irked by Damiano Cunego hosing over Gilberto Simoni in like 1906. But you're just setting yourself up for more Froomeian scorn here. Let Henao & Uran off the leash sometime!
6. Alexandre Vinokourov--and by extension, of course, Vincenzo Nibali--is running one smart race. And, I'm disgusted to say, I still love 'im from the core of my dirty, dirty little soul. Way to go Vino, and forza, forza Lo Squalo!
7. Don't be an ass, Wiggins. You don't "descend like a girl." You descend like a Schleck.
8. So Ryder's human. !@#$ off!
9. So Samu' is human. !@#$ off!
10. Cav's got me convinced: even without a reliably functioning lead-out train, he is just the fastest SOB on the planet. Did I mention he won our week-one contest's Two-Week Rider Insult Moratorium?
Tomorrow: up.
GC contenders, enjoy!
Sunday, May 12, 2013
It's Yer 2013 Giro d'Italia Racejunkie Win Free Stuff Contest Part Due!
Why?: It's Il Grande Giro, baby! Like you'd rather watch the Tour?
What: Answer the week's question right, yer name goes along with the other smartypants' into the Holy Once-Eroski Cap o' Destiny, I pick a name without peeking (I promise!), and you win! I e-mail you to find out where to send the prize, I don't pimp yer info to spammers--that's it!
The Rules: Yeah, yeah, the site's got legal stuff. If I screw up (by my low standards), I fix it, you kindly don't whine about it, you brownnose me about Euskaltel or Italy in general and you get even bitchener karma!
The Prizes: A dashing custom-embroidered racejunkie cycling cap from Walz caps! A wunk o' racejunkie stickers to show yer pride or shame! And, your fave rider gets an insult-free two weeks--no matter what disgusting shenanigans enliven the press!
Where: Enter here, and best of luck to all!
What: Answer the week's question right, yer name goes along with the other smartypants' into the Holy Once-Eroski Cap o' Destiny, I pick a name without peeking (I promise!), and you win! I e-mail you to find out where to send the prize, I don't pimp yer info to spammers--that's it!
The Rules: Yeah, yeah, the site's got legal stuff. If I screw up (by my low standards), I fix it, you kindly don't whine about it, you brownnose me about Euskaltel or Italy in general and you get even bitchener karma!
The Prizes: A dashing custom-embroidered racejunkie cycling cap from Walz caps! A wunk o' racejunkie stickers to show yer pride or shame! And, your fave rider gets an insult-free two weeks--no matter what disgusting shenanigans enliven the press!
Where: Enter here, and best of luck to all!
Brad Wiggins' Greatest Hissy Fits; and, We Have a Winner!
Yes, yesterday was a momentous day in the time trial, with Nibali and Cadel doing great, Ryder faltering, and we love Samu doing even, well--go to hell, he's just saving his energy for a stage win dammit! But you know what happened, and you also know that today is gonna be a hilly and exciting day in the saddle. So in the meantime, in homage to Brad Wiggins, a celebration of his Greatest Ever Bike Race Hissy Fits:
1. 2009 World Road Championships: track god Brad hampered by a crap bike in the time trial. Aw, his first recorded bike toss--how cute!
2. 2012 Tour de France: Bradley lost the stage and boy, does he hate cameras! He sure can cuss though:
3. 2012 Tour de France: he ain't no stinkin' doper--c!@#s! I give the hell up trying to find the video link, so here's the text. Heck, Lance denied it--why should Brad's defense be any less true!
4. 2013 Giro del Trentino: the most precise bike throw ever:
5. Thanks for Your Concerns: look, even I'm willing to give Brad a bit of a pass on this, as he was, to be fair, pissed, freaked, and in pain. And, the guy *did* apologize. Still, though--way to show the love for your concerned, adoring, ginormous-paycheck-justifying fans, Wiggo!
6. And, a Remarkable Act of Discretion: me, if some perv grabbed my sweaty nether garments as some twisted souvenir, I'd freak. Brad, however, admires the enterprise: Swiping shorts, cool; mechanical problems, doping accusations--stand out of striking distance, we get it!
Finally, congrats to Karl, our Week 1 Win Free Stuff Contest Winner, for being the only one to tag Astana as the reigning maglia rosa at the end of week 1! Karl, check yer e-mail to claim yer prize, and thanks to all for playing!
1. 2009 World Road Championships: track god Brad hampered by a crap bike in the time trial. Aw, his first recorded bike toss--how cute!
2. 2012 Tour de France: Bradley lost the stage and boy, does he hate cameras! He sure can cuss though:
3. 2012 Tour de France: he ain't no stinkin' doper--c!@#s! I give the hell up trying to find the video link, so here's the text. Heck, Lance denied it--why should Brad's defense be any less true!
4. 2013 Giro del Trentino: the most precise bike throw ever:
5. Thanks for Your Concerns: look, even I'm willing to give Brad a bit of a pass on this, as he was, to be fair, pissed, freaked, and in pain. And, the guy *did* apologize. Still, though--way to show the love for your concerned, adoring, ginormous-paycheck-justifying fans, Wiggo!
6. And, a Remarkable Act of Discretion: me, if some perv grabbed my sweaty nether garments as some twisted souvenir, I'd freak. Brad, however, admires the enterprise: Swiping shorts, cool; mechanical problems, doping accusations--stand out of striking distance, we get it!
Finally, congrats to Karl, our Week 1 Win Free Stuff Contest Winner, for being the only one to tag Astana as the reigning maglia rosa at the end of week 1! Karl, check yer e-mail to claim yer prize, and thanks to all for playing!
Friday, May 10, 2013
Wiggo Loses Time! UCI Hates Dopers (Now)! And, It's the Amgen EPO Tour of California!
Purple (Well, Pink) Rain: holy moly it's been a oil-slick crashfest at the Giro d'Italia, with presumptive (presumptuous anyway) final maglia rosa Brad Wiggins already losing most of what he's likely to gain tomorrow in the after a scary if harmless slide-out and subsequently Schleck-slow descent in the mountains, desperate disaster-mitigation by Sky management, and Nibali, Cadel, Samu', and half Wiggo's own teammates accordingly ready to pounce after the inevitable obliteration they no longer need fear *quite* so much tomorrow. Also in the mix the last few days, creeping everybody out in his own country no less: returning Lord o' the Masking Agents Danilo "Strawberry Shortcake" DiLuca. Am the only one wondering why, say, the Spaniards aren't equally freaked out by Alejandro Valverde? Meanwhile, classics strongman Pippo "The Abs" Pozzato is keeping the peloton entertained while he awaits his own chance for a stage with lurid Italian Vanity Fair love-triangle gossip and some pretty Cipolliniesque photos there. OMG, even Ivan Basso didn't get this kinda media play posing shirtless for Gazzetta dello Sport back in 2006. Anyway, forza Nibali--but watch out for Cadel, that boy can really handle a bike! And didja see the new maglia rosa is former Euskaltel rider Benat Intxausti?
Watch Out Dopers--Uh, From Seven Years Ago: boy, UCI still really *is* lookin' to deflect ongoing worldwide scorn from Pat "Dick" McQuaid's fawning Armstrong-coddling fiasco: yes, it's decided to go to war to preserve the notorious Op Puerto blood bags of damn near everyone already riding back before half today's peloton was even outta diapers. *That'll* show the current crop of clowns getting away with the AICAR and !@#$ the dumb or broke ones are just getting busted for this season--um, that they might get their !@#es handed to 'em in a sling well after they retire! Oh, UCI, just pack up shop already...
Schleck Lovers Unite!: last but not least, he-lloooooo Amgen EPO Tour o' California, which heads out May 12 with this handy guide to which rider specializes in what. Actually, I think it's a great idea to introduce new spectators to the truly powerhouse field they've got this year (screwing the Giro, *again*)--but can these misguided freaks explain to me why Jens Voigt is listed under "Time Trialists" instead of "Gods"?
Watch Out Dopers--Uh, From Seven Years Ago: boy, UCI still really *is* lookin' to deflect ongoing worldwide scorn from Pat "Dick" McQuaid's fawning Armstrong-coddling fiasco: yes, it's decided to go to war to preserve the notorious Op Puerto blood bags of damn near everyone already riding back before half today's peloton was even outta diapers. *That'll* show the current crop of clowns getting away with the AICAR and !@#$ the dumb or broke ones are just getting busted for this season--um, that they might get their !@#es handed to 'em in a sling well after they retire! Oh, UCI, just pack up shop already...
Schleck Lovers Unite!: last but not least, he-lloooooo Amgen EPO Tour o' California, which heads out May 12 with this handy guide to which rider specializes in what. Actually, I think it's a great idea to introduce new spectators to the truly powerhouse field they've got this year (screwing the Giro, *again*)--but can these misguided freaks explain to me why Jens Voigt is listed under "Time Trialists" instead of "Gods"?
Thursday, May 09, 2013
Wednesday, May 08, 2013
Fun 'n' Backstabbing With Team Sky; Boonen Plans His Comeback; and, Honk (Well, Sign) If You Love Blood Bags!
Kolb Comfort: well,that was a heck of a sprint today at a soaking-wet Giro, as a huge crash on wet paint stripes decimated the field in the final gallop and an absolutely gutted John Degenkolb took it home. Miraculously, the GC contenders all made it in without hardly a dent, particularly good for dear Samu' since our Euskaltel hero's already lost crashed-whammed Pablo Urtasun. Here, the carnage: And, just how tired our poor winner was: 
. Sure, you can say it was grit, determination, and luck--me, I say it was the porn-stache!
Kalifornication: no, he won't be at the Tour of Cali to make his competitors quake in their bike shoes nor to dazzle the fans, but Tom "Suck Season" Boonen will finally be back at the relatively wee Tour de Picardie. Cav, through the lousiest of circumstances, it looks like you've bought yourself a grade-A lead-out for July--just let him off the least once in a while, willya!
Endless Love: and, the love-in just continues over at Team Sky, with Richie Porte signing on for another 2 years with his own Grand Tour ambitions just as Wiggo thought he was gonna finally be rid of the intra-team competition as soon as Froomey bails for unquestioned supremacy elsewhere, and Brad's Colombian domestiques denying reports that they went all Froome on Wiggo as soon as he started dropping his helpless butt off the back of the pack yesterday. Don't worry, Brad--once you wipe those boys out in the time trial, all they can hope to do is bushwhack you for a coupla stage wins anyway!
The Hell With "Autographs": yes, sign here to save the Operacion Puerto blood-bags before the Spanish courts have 'em destroyed! The tally: a truly impressive 20 for Francisco Mancebo; a neat 10 apiece for Jan Ullrich and attempted-but-never-ever-successful-doper Ivan Basso, and, well, I'm guessing *something* for pretty much the entirety of Liberty Seguros. Emerging tranquillo: ol' Contador play-date LL Cool Sanchez, apparently suspended from RaboBlanc of all moralizing bull!@#$ers over a single stoked-up (alleged!) bag-in-storage but now cleared to race the Tour of Belgium thanks to a little threat o' arbitration. Oh for !@#$'s sake, the clowns *you* coddled for years *after* Puerto decimated the peloton, and you're ticked at some then-powerless jailbait nobody back in the day? Allez Luis Leon--hell, you're not half so bad as some of the remaining weasels-on-wheels left today!
So who'll have the maglia rosa at the end of Saturday's stage? Enter here to prove your dexterhood and win!
. Sure, you can say it was grit, determination, and luck--me, I say it was the porn-stache!Kalifornication: no, he won't be at the Tour of Cali to make his competitors quake in their bike shoes nor to dazzle the fans, but Tom "Suck Season" Boonen will finally be back at the relatively wee Tour de Picardie. Cav, through the lousiest of circumstances, it looks like you've bought yourself a grade-A lead-out for July--just let him off the least once in a while, willya!
Endless Love: and, the love-in just continues over at Team Sky, with Richie Porte signing on for another 2 years with his own Grand Tour ambitions just as Wiggo thought he was gonna finally be rid of the intra-team competition as soon as Froomey bails for unquestioned supremacy elsewhere, and Brad's Colombian domestiques denying reports that they went all Froome on Wiggo as soon as he started dropping his helpless butt off the back of the pack yesterday. Don't worry, Brad--once you wipe those boys out in the time trial, all they can hope to do is bushwhack you for a coupla stage wins anyway!
The Hell With "Autographs": yes, sign here to save the Operacion Puerto blood-bags before the Spanish courts have 'em destroyed! The tally: a truly impressive 20 for Francisco Mancebo; a neat 10 apiece for Jan Ullrich and attempted-but-never-ever-successful-doper Ivan Basso, and, well, I'm guessing *something* for pretty much the entirety of Liberty Seguros. Emerging tranquillo: ol' Contador play-date LL Cool Sanchez, apparently suspended from RaboBlanc of all moralizing bull!@#$ers over a single stoked-up (alleged!) bag-in-storage but now cleared to race the Tour of Belgium thanks to a little threat o' arbitration. Oh for !@#$'s sake, the clowns *you* coddled for years *after* Puerto decimated the peloton, and you're ticked at some then-powerless jailbait nobody back in the day? Allez Luis Leon--hell, you're not half so bad as some of the remaining weasels-on-wheels left today!
So who'll have the maglia rosa at the end of Saturday's stage? Enter here to prove your dexterhood and win!
Monday, May 06, 2013
Brad Wiggins Gets Smacked; Ryder Hesjedal Takes No Crap; and, Euskaltel Is Totally Innocent, Natch
Blazing Saddles: yeah, baby, the Italians are *smokin'* out there at the Giro d'Italia, as Luca Paolini makes it 2 outta 3 pink jerseys for the home team (nation, whatever), Michele Scarponi was--well, he was hosed, but anyway, they're still kickin' !@#--really, can, say, the French claim as much about their own Tour for the last quarter century? Meantime, all the squads that lost time today to Ryder Hesjedal are on a complete high-school-bathroom bitch-fest that they completely screwed themsel--er, that Ryder really blew it like a neo-pro chump-wad wasting so much energy on a stage that didn't even really get him anywhere and will surely jack his GC ambitions overally. Maybe, but Ryder sure begs to differ! Other winners on the day--Cadel, suddenly looking far more promising that we've had any reason whatsoever to suspect; the always-attentive Vincenzo Nibali; and we love Euskaltel's Samuel Sanchez, thrown yesterday not by cluelessness but an ill-timed puncture by Remaining Exhausted Time Trial Carcass No. 5 and clearly unfazed this morning. Aupa Samu', and stuff it, Orange haters! Tomorrow: a long one, and our first hilltop finish of the race!
And here, the final run to today's line: Oh, Ryder, I sure do *hope* you didn't blow your legs out...
Sky Lays Down The Law: meantime, in an effort to instill harmony and avert my proposed duel between Brad Wiggins and Chris Froome (which offer I still stand behind--I'm ready to set you a date, boys!), and to avoid a truly terrifying sissy-boy harangue from Froome, Team Sky stated definitively today that it's backing Froomey for leadership at the Tour de France, which means Brad will simply refuse to ride in support of that backstabbing little bast--uh, will suddenly develop an utterly incapacitating intestinal complaint on the evening of June 28 which will tragically prevent him from starting the Grand Boucle. Get well soon, Brad--I assume you'll be feeling aaaaaaaaaall better as soon as you leave Chris with just a little less support in scenic France! In other news, Froome today set a world's record for "fastest-ever maiden scouting-climb of Mont Ventoux," which achievement he reportedly celebrated by popping a bottle of champagne, mooning Wiggo's blameless soigneur, and defacing the iconic mountainside with a Brad-themed spray-painted obscenity. Glad to see you two getting along now that all the confusion's been sorted out, kids!
Predict the Giro!: and again, nail the question, survive the Holy Once-Eroski Cap o' Destiny, and win stuff here!
And here, the final run to today's line: Oh, Ryder, I sure do *hope* you didn't blow your legs out... Sky Lays Down The Law: meantime, in an effort to instill harmony and avert my proposed duel between Brad Wiggins and Chris Froome (which offer I still stand behind--I'm ready to set you a date, boys!), and to avoid a truly terrifying sissy-boy harangue from Froome, Team Sky stated definitively today that it's backing Froomey for leadership at the Tour de France, which means Brad will simply refuse to ride in support of that backstabbing little bast--uh, will suddenly develop an utterly incapacitating intestinal complaint on the evening of June 28 which will tragically prevent him from starting the Grand Boucle. Get well soon, Brad--I assume you'll be feeling aaaaaaaaaall better as soon as you leave Chris with just a little less support in scenic France! In other news, Froome today set a world's record for "fastest-ever maiden scouting-climb of Mont Ventoux," which achievement he reportedly celebrated by popping a bottle of champagne, mooning Wiggo's blameless soigneur, and defacing the iconic mountainside with a Brad-themed spray-painted obscenity. Glad to see you two getting along now that all the confusion's been sorted out, kids!
Predict the Giro!: and again, nail the question, survive the Holy Once-Eroski Cap o' Destiny, and win stuff here!
Sunday, May 05, 2013
The Giro's GC Challenges Take Shape!; and, Enter to Win Free Stuff Part Uno!
Well, after a really incredible opening-day sprint from strongman Cavendish yesterday (and using other folks' lead-outs to excellent advantage), today's weirdly twisty team time trial laid out the issues for the GC contenders, as Brad Wiggins' Sky obliterated Ryder Hesjedal's surprisingly-far-behind Garmin, Nibali surely breathed a sigh of relief as Astana lost merely 14 seconds, and, of course, we love Samuel Sanchez' Euskaltel, already suffering with an exceedingly pavement-whacked Pablo Urtasun and doomed to bite this one in any case, unwittingly lost its fifth guy out the back like a toddler in a toy store and came in a bewildered, oh, I don't know, 3 years off the pace. Dammit! Class moment o' the day: Sky letting Italian Salvatore Puccio, in only his second year as a pro and in only his first Giro d'Italia, take the maglia rosa. Complimenti Salvatore e bravo Italia! Tomorrow: a lumpy little beastie that oughta give a breakaway artist with a good kick a chance to take the day. Now Sky, do that jailbait in pink you got there proud!
Wiggins Wins Again; and, while we're talkin' Wiggo--specifically, his sweetly trusting delusion that Froome won't slash his tires and put Krazy Glue between his gears in July if he doesn't keep flappin' his mouth about the Tour--I must briefly note with sincere admiration for his awesomeness that, far outstripping his knighthood, Brad has now earned the sought-after "Hypocrite of the Year Award" from a fine Aussie journalist. Hey, beats calling him a "!@#$&@!," right?
Enter the Contest!: finally, Giro fans, it's time for our annual Grand Tour Contest o' Glory Part Uno, so enter here to win, and remember, anyone prostrating themselves flat on their faces before the Euskaltel gods until the boys take their first stage win of the race (shut up! will too!) gets extra good karma points!
Wiggins Wins Again; and, while we're talkin' Wiggo--specifically, his sweetly trusting delusion that Froome won't slash his tires and put Krazy Glue between his gears in July if he doesn't keep flappin' his mouth about the Tour--I must briefly note with sincere admiration for his awesomeness that, far outstripping his knighthood, Brad has now earned the sought-after "Hypocrite of the Year Award" from a fine Aussie journalist. Hey, beats calling him a "!@#$&@!," right?
Enter the Contest!: finally, Giro fans, it's time for our annual Grand Tour Contest o' Glory Part Uno, so enter here to win, and remember, anyone prostrating themselves flat on their faces before the Euskaltel gods until the boys take their first stage win of the race (shut up! will too!) gets extra good karma points!
Saturday, May 04, 2013
It's the 2013 Racejunkie Giro d'Italia Win Free Stuff Contest!
Why?: What, you'd rather freeze your !@# off on a mountainside for six hours waiting for the peloton to flash by in six seconds while eating French food instead? Thought so! Plus, really, there's never been a charminger, more genuinely Giro-lovin' non-Italian defending winner than Hesjedal. Way to go dear neighbor Canada!
What: You answer the week's question right, I toss your name along with the other smartypants' into the Holy Once-Eroski Cap o' Destiny, I pick a name without peeking (I promise!), and you win! I e-mail you to find out where to send the prize, I don't hock yer info to spam-wanks like a goon--that's it!
The Rules: Yap, yap, see the site for the legalese--in essence, I can change whatever I want whenever I want, which I really generally wouldn't do barring some stupid self-imposed disaster anyway, and you kindly cut me some slack if that happens. Bonus points for anyone who shows photographic proof they went to work (*outside* your "home office", wisenheimers) with face painted in full Euskaltel team colors!
The Prizes: A smashing custom-embroidered racejunkie cycling cap, one of only 3 of its kind on the planet! A passel o' racejunkie stickers to pimp your racejunkie pride (or shame)! Best of all, for the slightly defensive amongst you: an agonizingly long two-week rider insult moratorium on your favorite peloton studpup!
Where: Enter here ,fellow Giro freaks--and good luck to all!
What: You answer the week's question right, I toss your name along with the other smartypants' into the Holy Once-Eroski Cap o' Destiny, I pick a name without peeking (I promise!), and you win! I e-mail you to find out where to send the prize, I don't hock yer info to spam-wanks like a goon--that's it!
The Rules: Yap, yap, see the site for the legalese--in essence, I can change whatever I want whenever I want, which I really generally wouldn't do barring some stupid self-imposed disaster anyway, and you kindly cut me some slack if that happens. Bonus points for anyone who shows photographic proof they went to work (*outside* your "home office", wisenheimers) with face painted in full Euskaltel team colors!
The Prizes: A smashing custom-embroidered racejunkie cycling cap, one of only 3 of its kind on the planet! A passel o' racejunkie stickers to pimp your racejunkie pride (or shame)! Best of all, for the slightly defensive amongst you: an agonizingly long two-week rider insult moratorium on your favorite peloton studpup!
Where: Enter here ,fellow Giro freaks--and good luck to all!
Friday, May 03, 2013
Woo-hoo--It's Il Grande Giro, Baby!
Yep, you know what May brings: it's the fabulous Giro d'Italia, baby! What you need to start:
Why?: It's *Italy* fer chrissakes, what more do you want? It's not an irritating circus like the Tour, the fans are more fanatical, the Dolomites'll make you cry like Thomas Voeckler just *watching* the race. Andiamo, honey!
The Course: yeah, yeah, Cav's here--but wait for the Tour de France, velocisti, this is a climber's race! Time bonuses reward consistency over blow-out body-gutting Contadorian stage attackfests for the GC contenders; mountains decide it all in the last week. Don't count *too* much on that bull!@#$ 800-kilometer time trial, Wiggo, but you're still gonna need it! Question: will Brad's season-long focus on mountains training cost him in his go-to discipline? Probably not, but I'm game to watch it happen!
The Contenders: Look, as at the 2012 Tour, we all know why Wiggo's here, so frankly, I'm too pissed to even count 'im. And y'know, I am getting exceedingly pissed that no one seems to be giving defending maglia rosa/wholly bitchin' Canadian Ryder Hesjedal the respect he deserves. "Weak 2012 field" my !@#! And if you don't fear him, dimwits, you oughta at least be a little nervous about that all-star group of Armstrong-era ex-dopers (since 2006! they swear it!) he's got for domestiques. Ex-Tour King of the Mountains (that's right, beeyotches!) we love Euskaltel-Euskadi's Samuel Sanchez: in it for a stage win, ending with a podium (shut up! bite me! will too!). My (yes, obvious, stuff it!) pick, tho' I'll still be beyond delighted if ever-generous Ryder takes it again: Sicilian shark/monster climber-descender Vincenzo Nibali to win. Let's face facts: he !@#$s it up, Vinokourov breaks his weakling peon scumbag kneecaps. Like *that's* gonna be out-motivated by a friendly post-triumph noogie from Vaughters?
Pre-Race Trouble: Cadel: there's gotta be *some* reason he ain't doing the Tour, but I wish him well all the same! Two-time champ/fading GC flower Ivan Basso: out with a humongous cyst to his taintal region, which, as some consolation, is clearly *not* doping-related, as it'd then be a "viral infection" or "stomach problems." Cav, deprived of a mid-season Petacchi lead-out. You've had plenty o' warning, Cavendish, no blaming yer teammates again if you lose this time!
Wish List: The great Stefano Garzelli to take a farewell stage win. A Colombian climber to make the GC boys screech in frustrated defeat. Danilo DiLuca not to creep us out *too* much with some goodbye-Giro Valverdian surge. Some truly unexpected gut-wrenching breakaway jailbait to grab a stage and not get busted the next day. And the tenacious Cadel to put in a good show, probably by taking a mountain win solo in snow, sleet, rain, hail, a tornado, a volcanic eruption, and a whirring plague o' grasshoppers. And me to be there next year!
Well, fellow tifosi, it's off to the races. In bocca al lupo, boys, and forza, forza Ryder and Nibali!
Why?: It's *Italy* fer chrissakes, what more do you want? It's not an irritating circus like the Tour, the fans are more fanatical, the Dolomites'll make you cry like Thomas Voeckler just *watching* the race. Andiamo, honey!
The Course: yeah, yeah, Cav's here--but wait for the Tour de France, velocisti, this is a climber's race! Time bonuses reward consistency over blow-out body-gutting Contadorian stage attackfests for the GC contenders; mountains decide it all in the last week. Don't count *too* much on that bull!@#$ 800-kilometer time trial, Wiggo, but you're still gonna need it! Question: will Brad's season-long focus on mountains training cost him in his go-to discipline? Probably not, but I'm game to watch it happen!
The Contenders: Look, as at the 2012 Tour, we all know why Wiggo's here, so frankly, I'm too pissed to even count 'im. And y'know, I am getting exceedingly pissed that no one seems to be giving defending maglia rosa/wholly bitchin' Canadian Ryder Hesjedal the respect he deserves. "Weak 2012 field" my !@#! And if you don't fear him, dimwits, you oughta at least be a little nervous about that all-star group of Armstrong-era ex-dopers (since 2006! they swear it!) he's got for domestiques. Ex-Tour King of the Mountains (that's right, beeyotches!) we love Euskaltel-Euskadi's Samuel Sanchez: in it for a stage win, ending with a podium (shut up! bite me! will too!). My (yes, obvious, stuff it!) pick, tho' I'll still be beyond delighted if ever-generous Ryder takes it again: Sicilian shark/monster climber-descender Vincenzo Nibali to win. Let's face facts: he !@#$s it up, Vinokourov breaks his weakling peon scumbag kneecaps. Like *that's* gonna be out-motivated by a friendly post-triumph noogie from Vaughters?
Pre-Race Trouble: Cadel: there's gotta be *some* reason he ain't doing the Tour, but I wish him well all the same! Two-time champ/fading GC flower Ivan Basso: out with a humongous cyst to his taintal region, which, as some consolation, is clearly *not* doping-related, as it'd then be a "viral infection" or "stomach problems." Cav, deprived of a mid-season Petacchi lead-out. You've had plenty o' warning, Cavendish, no blaming yer teammates again if you lose this time!
Wish List: The great Stefano Garzelli to take a farewell stage win. A Colombian climber to make the GC boys screech in frustrated defeat. Danilo DiLuca not to creep us out *too* much with some goodbye-Giro Valverdian surge. Some truly unexpected gut-wrenching breakaway jailbait to grab a stage and not get busted the next day. And the tenacious Cadel to put in a good show, probably by taking a mountain win solo in snow, sleet, rain, hail, a tornado, a volcanic eruption, and a whirring plague o' grasshoppers. And me to be there next year!
Well, fellow tifosi, it's off to the races. In bocca al lupo, boys, and forza, forza Ryder and Nibali!
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
I Challenge Thee to a Duel!: A Practical Solution to the Wiggins-Froome Dispute
Look, here's what's clear: Wiggo can't man up and admit he's riding the Giro because he's more afraid of the Tour, so he won't cut the fantasyland bull!@#$ about a successful double, and Froome won't let Wiggins forget he'd be kissing Froome's !@# from the second spot on the podium if Froomey hadn't herded him up the Alps like a knocked-up goat, so he won't stand any challenge to his leadership at this year's Tour. Upshot: not only can they not work together, they're absolutely gonna sabotage each other, intentionally or not. Solution: cut the smack-talk, sissy-boys--we're havin' a duel! The rules:
Duration: Until (1) death or serious denting or (2) either one o' you runs crying home to momma. Anyone wanna guess how long this one's gonna last?
Coaching: well, we can't use Sky management--just look where it's gotten you guys so far! Wiggins--you get Pat "Dick" McQuaid. Froome--you get Travis Tygart. Just count yer blessings I didn't stick you guys with a Schleck or something!
Press Coverage: Nope, can't delay the fightin' that way. One overhead camera turned on at the start, no pre-duel press conferences or junkets. Nice try, Brad "I Hate Talking To The Media" Wiggins!
Location: Top of Alpe d'Huez. Caveat: you gotta get there under your own steam. See Froome, ol' Brad's half out of the running already!
Distance: With Wiggins' primordial pterodactyl wing-span, Froome is toast right off the bat if Brad is standing within 50 feet of 'im. 50 yards to start!
Weapons: Anything y'all can lift with that legendary cyclist upper-body strength, which I suppose, come to think of it, stops you both dead well before "seat post." Style points for "most original use of a spoke wrench"!
Attire: Regulation Sky team kit. Any attempt by Brad to wear his last year's yellow jersey to mock Chris, or by Chris to rip it off his torso and wear its tattered shreds himself to taunt Brad, will be punishable by one free hit.
Nourishment: Both parties must grab their musettes on the fly, during the match, from your soigneur, and either eat safely, or fall over trying. Just like a bike race!
Teammates: None. Neither of you guys needs anybody else, right?
Nature Breaks: What are you, animals? I can't even take it when the cameras catch that stuff during the Tour! You cyclists are always bragging how much you suffer on the bike--now prove it!
Testing: Any and all blood spilled will be collected, frozen, and tested ten years hence in accordance with then-current testing protocols. This way, we can see what !@#$ you guys are obviously both o--uh, how hematocrit naturally changes over the careers of top-level athletes. Anyone need a couple days to clean u--um, prepare yourselves mentally before we begin?
Reward: What, you want *another* knighthood, Sir Brad? This one's for the fans. Ya fought, ya won or ya lost--now ya quit yer whinin', and shut yer damn yaps about this stupid dispute from now on!
Well, dear reader(s), them's *my* fix. See you at high noon tomorrow, and may the best man *really* win!
Duration: Until (1) death or serious denting or (2) either one o' you runs crying home to momma. Anyone wanna guess how long this one's gonna last?
Coaching: well, we can't use Sky management--just look where it's gotten you guys so far! Wiggins--you get Pat "Dick" McQuaid. Froome--you get Travis Tygart. Just count yer blessings I didn't stick you guys with a Schleck or something!
Press Coverage: Nope, can't delay the fightin' that way. One overhead camera turned on at the start, no pre-duel press conferences or junkets. Nice try, Brad "I Hate Talking To The Media" Wiggins!
Location: Top of Alpe d'Huez. Caveat: you gotta get there under your own steam. See Froome, ol' Brad's half out of the running already!
Distance: With Wiggins' primordial pterodactyl wing-span, Froome is toast right off the bat if Brad is standing within 50 feet of 'im. 50 yards to start!
Weapons: Anything y'all can lift with that legendary cyclist upper-body strength, which I suppose, come to think of it, stops you both dead well before "seat post." Style points for "most original use of a spoke wrench"!
Attire: Regulation Sky team kit. Any attempt by Brad to wear his last year's yellow jersey to mock Chris, or by Chris to rip it off his torso and wear its tattered shreds himself to taunt Brad, will be punishable by one free hit.
Nourishment: Both parties must grab their musettes on the fly, during the match, from your soigneur, and either eat safely, or fall over trying. Just like a bike race!
Teammates: None. Neither of you guys needs anybody else, right?
Nature Breaks: What are you, animals? I can't even take it when the cameras catch that stuff during the Tour! You cyclists are always bragging how much you suffer on the bike--now prove it!
Testing: Any and all blood spilled will be collected, frozen, and tested ten years hence in accordance with then-current testing protocols. This way, we can see what !@#$ you guys are obviously both o--uh, how hematocrit naturally changes over the careers of top-level athletes. Anyone need a couple days to clean u--um, prepare yourselves mentally before we begin?
Reward: What, you want *another* knighthood, Sir Brad? This one's for the fans. Ya fought, ya won or ya lost--now ya quit yer whinin', and shut yer damn yaps about this stupid dispute from now on!
Well, dear reader(s), them's *my* fix. See you at high noon tomorrow, and may the best man *really* win!
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Martin and Ryder Bust it Out for Garmin; Riccardo Ricco' Thinks You Suck; and, a Week o' (non) Wisdom-by-Tweet
Tactical Skill-o'-the-Irish: well, that was one slammin' surprise at Liege-Bastogne-Liege, not that seeing Gilbert-pleasingly-strong-but-not-quite-havin'-it was a shocker after his showing so far at Liege (and yes, I was rooting for him), with Argyle Army general Ryder Hesjedal looking great ahead of his upcoming Giro defense, Joaquim Rodriguez with a brave and nearly-successful flyer towards the end, a giant panda--uh, Valverde snagging yet another podium before he heads off to whack the field at Romandie, but ultimately Ryder's Garmin teammate Dan Martin taking his first--and Ireland's second, woo-hoo!--Liege. Whether you love or hate Jonathan Vaughters' letting ex-Lance-teammate/dopers Tommy Dave and Christian ride off peacefully into the post-scandal sunset, you sure gotta give it to 'im (and not least Dan Martin himself) for tactics--brilliant! On a bonus note, perhaps buoyed by shepherd Fabian Cancellara's likely-imminent departure, Andy Schleck rode tolerably ok. And don't worry Philippe, we have faith, you'll break the curse--surely it was *some* extra motivation seeing your name written every six inches in giant letters every bit o' the race on the tarmac! Here, Dan Martin's great win:
The Cobra Lashes Out: all right, young Italian riders, you've been slapped: disgraced inept-doper former-champion-now-mild-mosquitoesque-annoyanceRiccardo Ricco, praising wilier-fellow-miscreant Michele Scarponi for his form at Liege, sez in his twit-feed that compared to the older generation of current Italian cyclists, you all just suck. Yeah, too bad *you* weren't there to animate the race and immediately throw Italy in disrepute by testing poz for the CERA oozing out yer sweatglands, you weasel! I look forward to further whining when Vincenzo Nibali whomps the Giro--hey, aren't you supposed to be too busy with your new gig at "Cheers" or something (and a noble profession it is, which is more than you deserve) to be bothering the, y'know, working cyclists?
Talkin' Turkey: meantime, he may not have had the Classics season he wanted, but tattooed dream-stud Pippo Pozzato is set to give his all in the Tour of Turkey, so let's take a moment to wish him good legs and good luck, particularly since, I've noticed, he's always the first to tweet warm congrats to his compatriots for their own triumphs. Worse comes to worst, he can always rest up apres-tour reclining by the sea and posting swoonalicious photos of himself like usual, right?
A Humble Programming Note: well, both my dear readers, I won't have access to bloggery this week, but if anything ludicrous happens I may not be able to resist weighing in with a twit or two, so while I miss all the action, kick back with a cold one, scream your heads off for dear Euskaltel, and enjoy the races!
The Cobra Lashes Out: all right, young Italian riders, you've been slapped: disgraced inept-doper former-champion-now-mild-mosquitoesque-annoyanceRiccardo Ricco, praising wilier-fellow-miscreant Michele Scarponi for his form at Liege, sez in his twit-feed that compared to the older generation of current Italian cyclists, you all just suck. Yeah, too bad *you* weren't there to animate the race and immediately throw Italy in disrepute by testing poz for the CERA oozing out yer sweatglands, you weasel! I look forward to further whining when Vincenzo Nibali whomps the Giro--hey, aren't you supposed to be too busy with your new gig at "Cheers" or something (and a noble profession it is, which is more than you deserve) to be bothering the, y'know, working cyclists?
Talkin' Turkey: meantime, he may not have had the Classics season he wanted, but tattooed dream-stud Pippo Pozzato is set to give his all in the Tour of Turkey, so let's take a moment to wish him good legs and good luck, particularly since, I've noticed, he's always the first to tweet warm congrats to his compatriots for their own triumphs. Worse comes to worst, he can always rest up apres-tour reclining by the sea and posting swoonalicious photos of himself like usual, right?
A Humble Programming Note: well, both my dear readers, I won't have access to bloggery this week, but if anything ludicrous happens I may not be able to resist weighing in with a twit or two, so while I miss all the action, kick back with a cold one, scream your heads off for dear Euskaltel, and enjoy the races!
Friday, April 19, 2013
The Single Wussiest Bike Throw Ever; "I Big" Face Off at Trentino; and, It's Liege-Waffle-Liege, Baby!
First Prize for Wiggo!: yes, in an early lock on the 2013 Sissy-Boy Tantrum o' the Year Racejunkie Award, Giro hopeful Brad Wiggins manages simultaneously the luckiest and total-weeniest frustrated-rider bike toss *ever*, landing this gem--and apparently the outraged intervention of the Pinarello gods--as he freaks out over an ill-timed mechanical at Trentino. Watch out, Giro d'Italia--he gets pissed at you there, he might land you a glancing blow with a ripped-off bike glove or something! Oh, the fury...
Vincenzooooooooooooo!: speaking of the fabulous Giro--and, to be fair for once, cutting Wiggo *some* slack for his recent delicate manly-regions problems (though for my money, the diuretic-downing Frank "Midol" Schleck's lady-cramp issues were clearly *way* worse)--"i Big" are looking in great form at testing grounds of the Giro del Trentino, not only including the obviously-blazing champ Vincenzo Nibali, but also, seemingly out of nowhere, a suddenly-surging Cadel. *Now* we've got ourselves a Giro, baby! Me, I'm still gonna root for (sorry my dear Italy and fabulous Aussies, I know I'm ungrateful scum) the smashing Canadian Ryder Hesjedal to take the two-fer, but we'll see how *he's* going this weekend at Liege. And thinkin' about the major GC guys of our time, is anyone else noticing that Contador--obliged as he clearly was by the sponsors to do the Ardennes--just ain't looking so hot this season? Here's your chance, Andy Schl--damn, I just broke my voluntary self-imposed rider insult moratorium on the poor kid, I'm *so* ashamed!
Where the !@#$ Is the Video Coverage for Women's Cycling for !@#$'s !@#$ing Sake?: meantime, am I the only one completely rabid over the fact that I can get 8,000 video hits of Peter Sagan apologizing for his disgusting grab-!@# 30 seconds after the camera shuts off, but it takes a whole *day* for a single piece of footage of the great Marianne Vos bagging her record-setting 5th Fleche-Wallone to show up in the craposphere, particularly as one clearly can't post about this week's cycling 'til it's available? Well, finally, at least *some* lame coverage from UCI: Now how about filming the actual !@#damn *race*, whydontcha?
Lieeeeeeeege!: and, all hail the magnificent Liege-Bastogne-Liege this weekend, as Philippe Gilbert gets one last chance to finish off his bummin' Classics season with *some* glory, and the ever-disconcertingly-powerful Valverde, Nibali, and of course Dani Moreno's faithful Fleche superdomestique Purito Rodriguez, who *still* pulled off a bangin' result in his own right despite that sob of a bruise on his leg, bring on the whup-!@#. Oh, let's give this one to Gilbert--he needs to break the curse of the rainbow jersey on *something* good!
Vincenzooooooooooooo!: speaking of the fabulous Giro--and, to be fair for once, cutting Wiggo *some* slack for his recent delicate manly-regions problems (though for my money, the diuretic-downing Frank "Midol" Schleck's lady-cramp issues were clearly *way* worse)--"i Big" are looking in great form at testing grounds of the Giro del Trentino, not only including the obviously-blazing champ Vincenzo Nibali, but also, seemingly out of nowhere, a suddenly-surging Cadel. *Now* we've got ourselves a Giro, baby! Me, I'm still gonna root for (sorry my dear Italy and fabulous Aussies, I know I'm ungrateful scum) the smashing Canadian Ryder Hesjedal to take the two-fer, but we'll see how *he's* going this weekend at Liege. And thinkin' about the major GC guys of our time, is anyone else noticing that Contador--obliged as he clearly was by the sponsors to do the Ardennes--just ain't looking so hot this season? Here's your chance, Andy Schl--damn, I just broke my voluntary self-imposed rider insult moratorium on the poor kid, I'm *so* ashamed!
Where the !@#$ Is the Video Coverage for Women's Cycling for !@#$'s !@#$ing Sake?: meantime, am I the only one completely rabid over the fact that I can get 8,000 video hits of Peter Sagan apologizing for his disgusting grab-!@# 30 seconds after the camera shuts off, but it takes a whole *day* for a single piece of footage of the great Marianne Vos bagging her record-setting 5th Fleche-Wallone to show up in the craposphere, particularly as one clearly can't post about this week's cycling 'til it's available? Well, finally, at least *some* lame coverage from UCI: Now how about filming the actual !@#damn *race*, whydontcha?
Lieeeeeeeege!: and, all hail the magnificent Liege-Bastogne-Liege this weekend, as Philippe Gilbert gets one last chance to finish off his bummin' Classics season with *some* glory, and the ever-disconcertingly-powerful Valverde, Nibali, and of course Dani Moreno's faithful Fleche superdomestique Purito Rodriguez, who *still* pulled off a bangin' result in his own right despite that sob of a bruise on his leg, bring on the whup-!@#. Oh, let's give this one to Gilbert--he needs to break the curse of the rainbow jersey on *something* good!
Sunday, April 14, 2013
And the Ardennes Are Off! Plus, Brad Wiggins Loves the Giro! He Swears It!
Czech-mate!: well, with all the hype over nowhere-to-be-seen Sagan and everywhere-to-be-seen world champ Gilbert (who would've been lovely for the win, but still), a fine run by Gerrans, a total !@#$ (and Tour-prep-hosing) crash for we love Purito Rodriguez nursing his left knee after he whacked into some dimwit who glued his wheel into deep mud at the side of the road, Valverde creeping everyone out as usual by grabbing the sprint for second, *and* a smashing long breakaway by Euskaltel's Mikel Astarloza of all people, it's SaxoBank's totally underrated Roman Kreuziger who grabs the win at Amstel Gold! Body count: besides poor Purito, a really nasty crash for Thomas "the Grimace" Voeckler, first rumored to have a broken femur, then a busted shoulder, then finally (for now) just a snapped collarbone. Get well soon, Thomas--it's so much more preferable watching you contort your face into a scream just, say, signing in to the race start! Here, proud teammate Alberto Contador with the insta-tweet: 
Congrats Roman!
If The Moon Hits Your Eye Like a Big Pizza Pie, That's Amore: meantime, not-defending Tour de France champ Brad Wiggins swears to Italy how much he really, really loves the Giro and really, really doesn't care about the Tour, particularly asserting he really, really has no interest in being one of those selfish losers who aspires to win the Tour de France two or even three times, and, to boot, he wouldn't even mind taking the Vuelta a Espana some day. Um, Brad, if you're riding the *Giro* this year because you're afraid the Tour's parcours don't suit you (and why you think the Giro *is* better for you is beyond me), have you taken a look at the *Vuelta's* all-vertical roads-o'-death the last couple of years? Of course, Froomey could always lug you uphill again, but damn, even he'd need some sled dogs or a scooter or a tractor to drag your !@# uphill all over Spain for the win. Now bow, *bow* to the noble Giro gods 'til they're convinced you're sincere enough to ride it, you ungrateful Tour-winning peon!
Aupa, Euskalteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel!: finally, despite the best efforts of that complete tool Pat "Dick" McQuaid, our dear if wholly discombomulated Euskaltel-Euskadi is back at last, ripping through the Vuelta a Castilla e Leon and, with Mikel's bitchin' break in Amstel today, finally building enough confidence to carry we love Samuel Sanchez to the Giro. Eat his dust in May, boys--remember, he's already been King of the Mountains at the Tour!
Congrats Roman!If The Moon Hits Your Eye Like a Big Pizza Pie, That's Amore: meantime, not-defending Tour de France champ Brad Wiggins swears to Italy how much he really, really loves the Giro and really, really doesn't care about the Tour, particularly asserting he really, really has no interest in being one of those selfish losers who aspires to win the Tour de France two or even three times, and, to boot, he wouldn't even mind taking the Vuelta a Espana some day. Um, Brad, if you're riding the *Giro* this year because you're afraid the Tour's parcours don't suit you (and why you think the Giro *is* better for you is beyond me), have you taken a look at the *Vuelta's* all-vertical roads-o'-death the last couple of years? Of course, Froomey could always lug you uphill again, but damn, even he'd need some sled dogs or a scooter or a tractor to drag your !@# uphill all over Spain for the win. Now bow, *bow* to the noble Giro gods 'til they're convinced you're sincere enough to ride it, you ungrateful Tour-winning peon!
Aupa, Euskalteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel!: finally, despite the best efforts of that complete tool Pat "Dick" McQuaid, our dear if wholly discombomulated Euskaltel-Euskadi is back at last, ripping through the Vuelta a Castilla e Leon and, with Mikel's bitchin' break in Amstel today, finally building enough confidence to carry we love Samuel Sanchez to the Giro. Eat his dust in May, boys--remember, he's already been King of the Mountains at the Tour!
Sunday, April 07, 2013
It's Yer Paris-Roubaix Awards!; And, It's All Pat "Dick" McQuaid's Fault!
1. Massive "You Suck" o' the Race: WHY THE !@#$ IS THE ENTIRE REST OF THE EARTH SCREAMING THEIR HEADS OFF OVER FABIAN'S WIN AND IMMEDIATE COLLAPSE AT THE LINE WHEN THERE'S STILL 10K TO GO OF "LIVE COVERAGE" ON NBCSPORTS? *Must* we be so grateful for coverage of *any* cycling race in this crotch-scratching tobacco-lougie-spitting big-lunks-crushing-each-other country that we simply have to accept this mess? Aiiiigghhhhhhhhh!
2. Return of the King Award: Speaking of NBCSports' coverage, yes, I know perfectly well what Phil Liggett's done this past year, thank you--he damn near broke my faithful heart doing it. But hearing him and Paul together again is a symphony among banjos. He was an innocent lamb, I tells ya, an innocent lamb--bug off haters!
3. Fan Dipwad Prize: of course, one of the crazy-!@# things that's so great about cycling is that--unlike, say, in soccer, where one might get dragged off the field and stomped to death by 70,000 rabid hometown fans for pulling a similar trick--you can literally get close enough to reach out and touch the riders. But there is a difference between a bit of over-enthusiastic leaning over the roadside, and knocking a surging rider off his bike and out of the *biggest win* of his career. Poor Vandenbergh's tumble was bad enough--if not for having to make a spectacular cyclocrosser save over a camera-wielding nimrod, and even considering Sep Vanmarcke's phenomenal strength, Zdenek Stybar *really* could have won the whole race today. *Back* *up* you thoughtless freaks!
4. Rainbows-'n'-Unicorns Happy Place o' the Race: look in the break, and who do you see? Yep, it's we love Stuey O'Grady! Sure, he bonked eventually, but is that really any worse than how he usually ends a race, run over by a team bus, engulfed by some huge inflatable promotional item, stuck in someone else's derailleur, stampeded by a herd of 'roid-raging elephants? I know it's likely your last season Stuey--but can't you still change your mind?
5. Crash o' the Race--no, it wasn't decisive. Yes, it suuurrre did blow. Yoann Offredo's full-strength all-in flying-eagle whack into a road sign. Ow, even by Hell o' the North standards--hope you're okay, Offredo, and compliments to one heck of a hard-man for even getting back up so quickly!
6. He's Baaaaaa-aaaaaack (well, "Backish") Prize: yes, I was darned proud of Chavanel and Phinney, but then, they never had anyplace to come back from in the first place. Thor Hushovd, you're still mostly living down to everyone's worst expectations this season--but it was certainly nice to see you in the second chase group, perhaps it bodes well for much more!
7. Well, At Least It Wasn't Boring Award: last but not least for this year's Paris-Roubaix, I must humbly tip my hat to Fabian Cancellara--unlike Flanders, where we could've all just taken a nap the last hour, even Spartacus had so much on his hands the whole race he just plain fell over after the line. Nicely done--now someone bring that boy a proper pillow and blanket, he's earned it!
You *Suck* UCI and Pat "Dick" McQuaid!: and, lest I depart today's post without the most important news: look how you've destroyed my glorious beloved Euskaltel-Euskadi with your stupid domestique-screwing ridiculous "points" system--not only are they gonna apparently be winless til the Giro because you've stripped them of half the power that made them the peerless peloton climbing machines they so wonderfully were, one of the junior jackwagons that displaced guys like the smashing Amets Txurruka has turned up positive! *Dammit*, you petty loathesome abacus-crunchin' numbers-slurpin' soul-missing bureaucrats--shouldn't this little snake have been slithering around in someone *else's* colors this season instead?
2. Return of the King Award: Speaking of NBCSports' coverage, yes, I know perfectly well what Phil Liggett's done this past year, thank you--he damn near broke my faithful heart doing it. But hearing him and Paul together again is a symphony among banjos. He was an innocent lamb, I tells ya, an innocent lamb--bug off haters!
3. Fan Dipwad Prize: of course, one of the crazy-!@# things that's so great about cycling is that--unlike, say, in soccer, where one might get dragged off the field and stomped to death by 70,000 rabid hometown fans for pulling a similar trick--you can literally get close enough to reach out and touch the riders. But there is a difference between a bit of over-enthusiastic leaning over the roadside, and knocking a surging rider off his bike and out of the *biggest win* of his career. Poor Vandenbergh's tumble was bad enough--if not for having to make a spectacular cyclocrosser save over a camera-wielding nimrod, and even considering Sep Vanmarcke's phenomenal strength, Zdenek Stybar *really* could have won the whole race today. *Back* *up* you thoughtless freaks!
4. Rainbows-'n'-Unicorns Happy Place o' the Race: look in the break, and who do you see? Yep, it's we love Stuey O'Grady! Sure, he bonked eventually, but is that really any worse than how he usually ends a race, run over by a team bus, engulfed by some huge inflatable promotional item, stuck in someone else's derailleur, stampeded by a herd of 'roid-raging elephants? I know it's likely your last season Stuey--but can't you still change your mind?
5. Crash o' the Race--no, it wasn't decisive. Yes, it suuurrre did blow. Yoann Offredo's full-strength all-in flying-eagle whack into a road sign. Ow, even by Hell o' the North standards--hope you're okay, Offredo, and compliments to one heck of a hard-man for even getting back up so quickly!
6. He's Baaaaaa-aaaaaack (well, "Backish") Prize: yes, I was darned proud of Chavanel and Phinney, but then, they never had anyplace to come back from in the first place. Thor Hushovd, you're still mostly living down to everyone's worst expectations this season--but it was certainly nice to see you in the second chase group, perhaps it bodes well for much more!
7. Well, At Least It Wasn't Boring Award: last but not least for this year's Paris-Roubaix, I must humbly tip my hat to Fabian Cancellara--unlike Flanders, where we could've all just taken a nap the last hour, even Spartacus had so much on his hands the whole race he just plain fell over after the line. Nicely done--now someone bring that boy a proper pillow and blanket, he's earned it!
You *Suck* UCI and Pat "Dick" McQuaid!: and, lest I depart today's post without the most important news: look how you've destroyed my glorious beloved Euskaltel-Euskadi with your stupid domestique-screwing ridiculous "points" system--not only are they gonna apparently be winless til the Giro because you've stripped them of half the power that made them the peerless peloton climbing machines they so wonderfully were, one of the junior jackwagons that displaced guys like the smashing Amets Txurruka has turned up positive! *Dammit*, you petty loathesome abacus-crunchin' numbers-slurpin' soul-missing bureaucrats--shouldn't this little snake have been slithering around in someone *else's* colors this season instead?
Saturday, April 06, 2013
It's Paris-Roubaix, Baby!; and, What Is This, International Treat Women In Cycling Like !@#$ Week?
Welcome to Hell (of the North)!: What is it: Cobbles, baby! Twenty-seven sections and 52.6 kilometers of treacherous, uneven, spine-rattling, pile-up-inducing, damn near mocking blocks o' agony. And no, they're not as steep as Flanders, and no, they still ain't any more merciful. This ain't no pansy-!@# skip through a daisy-spangled meadow, honey, so enjoy--if you're not ridin' 'em! 
Why You Should Watch It: Pain. Suffering. Grit. Bike handling. Power. Save pure climbing, it epitomizes virtually everything that is magnificent about this sport into a single fateful day. If you win Roubaix, you know you're one of the best cyclists who ever lived. Hell, if you *finish* Roubaix, you know you're one of the best cyclists who ever lived. Hell, if you crash out and break a baker's dozen o' bones at Roubaix, you know you're one of the be...
Who to Watch For: yes, yes, a pissed-off, twice-crashed Cancellara, but also 2011 champ Vansummmeren, ever-dreamer pin-up Pippo Pozzato, and, well, almost anyone else in the race from Belgium. And maybe the race *will* be a giveaway, if no-one's willing to work together to defeat Fabian. But it's Paris-Roubaix, and anything can happen. Your bike could spontaneously splinter. Your legs could freeze up. Your collarbone could explode into a pile o' pulverized bone-bits. You could get face-wrapped by a wind-whipped Flemish flag. Or you could have the best day ever of your life on a bike, and *still* not win. Me, I'd love, love, love for the fabulous, luckless Sylvain "See? The French Don't All Suck!" Chavanel to get it (shut up, I know he's most likely to podium, shut up!). And I actually like that wily s.o.b. Flecha, too, though sure, Vacansoleil's ignoring the whole Op Puerto thing til after the finish line's pretty skeevy. Forza, forza Sylvain--heck, Boonen can't stomp it this year, so it might as well be you!
What the !@#$ Is Wrong With You Freaks?: first, a pointlessly ornamental podium babe gets grabbed by freshman wanker frat-boy Sagan. Now, the women's five-stage Energiewacht Tour gets screwed for an entire day by giant trucks riding the course, race-stopping boat and train passages, and crap directions to the !@#-end of nowhere. Jaysus, can things *get* any worse for women in this sport this week?--now up their pay, fix the problems, and treat 'em with some damn dignity whydontcha! Here, Kirsten Wild *still* manages to pluck a win:
Why You Should Watch It: Pain. Suffering. Grit. Bike handling. Power. Save pure climbing, it epitomizes virtually everything that is magnificent about this sport into a single fateful day. If you win Roubaix, you know you're one of the best cyclists who ever lived. Hell, if you *finish* Roubaix, you know you're one of the best cyclists who ever lived. Hell, if you crash out and break a baker's dozen o' bones at Roubaix, you know you're one of the be...
Who to Watch For: yes, yes, a pissed-off, twice-crashed Cancellara, but also 2011 champ Vansummmeren, ever-dreamer pin-up Pippo Pozzato, and, well, almost anyone else in the race from Belgium. And maybe the race *will* be a giveaway, if no-one's willing to work together to defeat Fabian. But it's Paris-Roubaix, and anything can happen. Your bike could spontaneously splinter. Your legs could freeze up. Your collarbone could explode into a pile o' pulverized bone-bits. You could get face-wrapped by a wind-whipped Flemish flag. Or you could have the best day ever of your life on a bike, and *still* not win. Me, I'd love, love, love for the fabulous, luckless Sylvain "See? The French Don't All Suck!" Chavanel to get it (shut up, I know he's most likely to podium, shut up!). And I actually like that wily s.o.b. Flecha, too, though sure, Vacansoleil's ignoring the whole Op Puerto thing til after the finish line's pretty skeevy. Forza, forza Sylvain--heck, Boonen can't stomp it this year, so it might as well be you!
What the !@#$ Is Wrong With You Freaks?: first, a pointlessly ornamental podium babe gets grabbed by freshman wanker frat-boy Sagan. Now, the women's five-stage Energiewacht Tour gets screwed for an entire day by giant trucks riding the course, race-stopping boat and train passages, and crap directions to the !@#-end of nowhere. Jaysus, can things *get* any worse for women in this sport this week?--now up their pay, fix the problems, and treat 'em with some damn dignity whydontcha! Here, Kirsten Wild *still* manages to pluck a win:
Wednesday, April 03, 2013
Cancellara Gets a Boo-Boo! Baby Schleck Gets a Break! Purito Rodriguez Gets a Grip!
Prijs Release Me, Let Me Go: man, crap luck today for Spartacus today at his training ride at Scheldenprijs, as Fabian Cancellara goes down (tho' luckily not bone-snappin'ly hard) and whangs the hell outta his posterior and side--hardly, as his team glumly notes, ideal prep for Paris-Roubaix. Well, at least you won't be home on your couch with a pile o' nachos watching "Dr. Phil" and pretending the race isn't on, like our poor soul-smooshed Tom Boonen--get well fast, Fabian, but for heck's sake try something new to liven up the race this weekend! 
Freebird!: in *good* news, Andy "Linus" Schleck has almost got his security blanket back: big bro Frank's suspension for the banned diuretic he thoughtlessly scarfed for his severe menstrual cramps is officially up mid-July. Andy, we all know that, optimistic musings to the contrary, you cannot ride for !@#$ without Frank there to snuggle you along. There's no shame in that--unless, well, you compare yourself to Contador, Rodriguez, Froome or Nibali. So why not just be honest with yourself, wait 'til Frank's free for the Vuelta, and ride that one instead? Plus, it gives you an extra month to get over your lingering (and certainly understandable) post-crash willies, and how can that not help? Note to Frank: try a hot toddy a bowl of ice cream and a chick flick next time--*don't* !@#$ over your little brother again!
Finally, many thanks to inevitable (damn, I've cursed him!) Tour de France podium finisher Purito Rodriguez, who, unlike Cadel, has wisely decided to skip this year's Giro d'Italia after all, leaving it to that Heras'-Vuelta-thieving weasel/former Giro champ Denis Menchov to sully its pure and beautiful roads as Purito focuses on France instead. For any of you other clowns still considering the perfect Giro as training for the Tour, (1) how dare you use the perfect Giro for anything other than a holy tribute to its own glorious self, you cultureless classless goons and (2) enjoy staring right up the !@# of the day's lanterne rouge once you hit the mountains come July, eejits!
Freebird!: in *good* news, Andy "Linus" Schleck has almost got his security blanket back: big bro Frank's suspension for the banned diuretic he thoughtlessly scarfed for his severe menstrual cramps is officially up mid-July. Andy, we all know that, optimistic musings to the contrary, you cannot ride for !@#$ without Frank there to snuggle you along. There's no shame in that--unless, well, you compare yourself to Contador, Rodriguez, Froome or Nibali. So why not just be honest with yourself, wait 'til Frank's free for the Vuelta, and ride that one instead? Plus, it gives you an extra month to get over your lingering (and certainly understandable) post-crash willies, and how can that not help? Note to Frank: try a hot toddy a bowl of ice cream and a chick flick next time--*don't* !@#$ over your little brother again!
Finally, many thanks to inevitable (damn, I've cursed him!) Tour de France podium finisher Purito Rodriguez, who, unlike Cadel, has wisely decided to skip this year's Giro d'Italia after all, leaving it to that Heras'-Vuelta-thieving weasel/former Giro champ Denis Menchov to sully its pure and beautiful roads as Purito focuses on France instead. For any of you other clowns still considering the perfect Giro as training for the Tour, (1) how dare you use the perfect Giro for anything other than a holy tribute to its own glorious self, you cultureless classless goons and (2) enjoy staring right up the !@# of the day's lanterne rouge once you hit the mountains come July, eejits!
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