Friday, February 27, 2015

My Fantasy Alexander Vinokourov/Vincenzo Nibali Press Conference #cycling

VN: Good morning. I've called you here today to address the recent news that UCI is seeking to strip Astana of its ProTour license due to alleged severe, systemic doping problems within the team. First, I want to say that I had no idea Alexander Vinokourov ever had anything--*anything*--to do with doping before I joined this squad. In fact, due to the fact that I've stuck my fingers in my ears closed my ears and yelled "LA LA LA LA" whenever Vino came into a room, I haven't even spoken to him or heard anything he's said to me for the last five years. I also haven't read any newspapers, looked at any websites, paid attention to any press conferences, or talked or listed to anyone in the entire pro cycling world, including my own teammates managers soigneurs team-bus drivers medical personnel or espresso guys, at any time from the date of my birth to and through today. So this is, like, a total shock to me.

Second, if Alexander Vinokourov or any of the approximately eighty-six riders and other Astana staff members were in fact involved in doping in any way, I personally had absolutely nothing to do with it, and have been completely clean my entire career. Of course, it doesn't take much to look clean next to the cheating scumbags that make up the rest of this sport! But seriously, in case anyone out there in ProTour land has a few million euros to spend on their rosters this time of year--or, y'know, one of your less-impressive grand tour leaders should have a catastrophic mechanical failure, or come down with the flu, or get a really really gross painful saddlesore--I'm available, so...(makes little ringing-phone gesture next to ear)

Finally, I want to assure you all that as the reigning champion of the Tour de France, I am confident that, even with Astana's current legal woes, we will be granted a Wild Card for the Tour this year and I will be--successfully, I assure you--defending my title. Wait--what? (Puts hand to ear to listen to journalist question) *No*, you mother!@#$er, Froome and Contador crashed out last year, *I'm* the !@#$ing reigning Tour de France champion! Now I'm going to pass things along to this guy next to me I barely even know. Vino?

AV: Good morning. First, I'd like to say that, despite my well-documented and extensive history of sophisticated world-class doping and familiarity with all the cutting-age techniques of any era, I am outraged that any of you think I didn't have my personality totally erased by futuristic robot technology like in that Schwarzenegger movie and replaced with an innocent Disney princess the instant I became a team founder and manager.

Second, I had *no* idea those dumb-!@# Iglinskiy brothers were taking EPO. I mean, there is *so* much better !@#$ out there, what is this, !@#$ing !@#$-squad crap-rider neo-pro amateur hour? Who do you think I am you !@#holes, I would *never* let them take that chump-change !@#$! much less get caught for it! What's more, I have no idea where any of this Padova !@#$ that Brian Cookson is hinting at is coming from. Not only was it geographically inconvenient, that was all Lampre's gig, right, so why are you bitching to me about it, it is so *not* *fair*!

Last but not least, I just want to remind you that if *I* go down, I am taking *all* you !@#$ing hypocrites and your !@#$ing hypocrite families friends associates and family Labrador Retrievers with me, so say goodbye to all your careers you !@#$ing bastards! Yeah, that's right, Vincenzo, you smirking little clean-sport poster-boy, that means you too, keep talking smack you worthless little !@#$! (lunges towards Nibali, press corps hastily clears room as Vino and Nibs start rolling on floor throwing punches)

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Omloop-de-loop: It's Classics Season, Beeyotches! And, E3 Harelbeke Fixes It All #cycling

Woot Woot!: yes, cycling fans, now that the peloton's had the chance to stretch their legs, test their form, explode their tires and get sand-whipped into whimpering nubs by the early-season desert races, it's time for Belgian Classics season to begin, and we're off with the teaser Omloop Het Nieuwsblad on Saturday, and the thrillin' Kuurne-Brussels-Kuurne on Sunday. Contenders: first, last year's respective champs surprise Ian Stannard, and TOM !@#$IN' BOONEN baby! Other hunters: Greg Van Avermaet, Sep Vanmarcke, Niki Terpstra (don't even think of screwing Tommeke, twerp!), Mark Cavendish, basically every other rider in Belgium, and, ever-hopeful but rather-tippy Tyler Farrar. Me, I'd completely dig Tyler stomping the naysayers, but we love Tom apparently hasn't Omloop on his palmares, so that's who I'm rooting for for Saturday. Allez allez Tornado Tooooooom! Here, he bags (of course) Kuurne last year: Toooooooooooom!

TuttoBitchin': and, what a thrilla to see our beloved Boston get a shout-out from our beloved Tuttobiciweb, in the form of an intrepid cyclist's snow-tunnel: Or wait, is the Stelvio stage from last year's Giro? Naw, that guy's way too big to be Nairo...

T!@s and A!@: finally, huge redemption by the fine gents at E3 Harelbeke, who, after their grossly offensive and piglike ad featuring a distinctly unhilarious riff on Peter Sagan's ol' grab-!@# routine, showed their true and sensitive understanding of the issue by pulling the adv--uh, REMOVING THE UCI LOGO FROM THE AD. When confronted about the continued use of the picturesque banners, baffled Harelbeke chief Hugh Hefner responded, "of *course* it's sexy!" Sex*ist*, sex*ist*, you irredeemable clown!

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Froome Wins Round 1! Cav v. Sagan at Sanremo! And, How Not to Help Women's Cycling

Holy Flailing Windmill Hell: well, if you think Alberto Contador's psyched out by the ungainly Chris Froome's blazing stage and overall win/showdown at the Ruta del Sol, think again, suckers: he's *sticking* with his Giro/Tour double plan, *and* he's confident he'll win 'em both. So what if he'll still be exhausted from the Giro--it's not like he's really wanting to aim for the Tour, right? Oh, for the day when the Tour de France is rightly the also-ran, and the dear perfect Giro gets the glory....

I Dream of Sanremo: and, just as Oleg Tinkov has made it extremely clear he'll personally disconnect Peter Sagan's so-far-lackluster limbs off if he doesn't win Milano-San Remo, none other'n last year's quasi-funk/this season's rocket renaissance Mark Cavendish has wistfully opined to the Italian press that winning it is not only a dream, but also a pretty major goal, for this season. Dang, Peter, you better *hope* you can bunny-hop over Tinkov's head and the hell outta Dodge if you can't turn Cav's dream into a nightmare this year--but only if you value your continued employment, I suppose!

Advertising for !@#holes: finally, congrats to the backwards inbred troglodyte pigs who designed the Neanderthal ad for this year's upcoming E3 Harelbeke, which perfectly exemplifies the blood, sweat, and bicycles of, y'know, *bike racing* by showing a disembodied hand reaching for a disembodied women's porn-star !@# in what appears to be some pervy cheerleader outfit. Who runs that !@#$ing agency, Larry Flynt? Anywho, in the spirit of equality which has so recently, and not actually, taken hold in pro cycling, here's *my* new ad for the Giro Rosa: the bronzed, oiled, Photoshopped iron-abs of Peter Sagan and Fabian Cancellara in tighty-whities curled adoringly at the feet of Marianne Vos as she holds the winner's trophy aloft on the podium. Think they'd feel that's appropriate? Okay, Sagan probably would, but....!@#$, people! Here, the women of Wiggle-Honda are riding their freakin' bikes, you socially-stunted frat-mavens:

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Contador vs. Froome vs....Uh, That Other Guy! Sagan vs. Cavendish! Sir Brad's Sartorial Splendor! Jeeeeeeens!

Hell-ooooooooo! Defending Champ Over Here!: yes, the media hype over the Alberto Contador-Chris Froome faceoff at the Tour de France, and diplomatically complimentary smack-talk, has already begun, as the two boys get a trial crack at each other at the Ruta del Sol this week and poor Vincenzo Nibali has to go on the offensive to remind everyone he's actually the defending !@#$ing Tour winner and, like anyone cares, his form is already pretty good and he's tranquillo about his chances in July. Well, hell, Nibs, it's not like you're even gonna be a marked man apparently, you might as well just take the maillot jaune while those two are distracted getting fawned over! I swear, the man can't get *no* respect...

Pick It Up, Peter!: geez, Sagan, not only did Oleg Tinkov pay out the nose for the Holy Grail of Your Royal Wheelieness this season, but with Alberto Contador threatening to retire in 2016 so Oleg can't make him do the Giro-Tour-Vuelta deathmarch--uh, so he can retire at the top of his game--you're all Tinkov's got now, honey, so if you don't start to step up from this 7th place bull!@#$ and win him (forget "win yourself") a good brace of Monuments this season, you're gonna find you'll be suddenly getting paid 3.4 million euro a year just to follow Oleg around disposing of his dirty tissues and wiping his rear end. Meantime, I don't wanna disturb you or Marcel Kittel as he relaxes over at the hair salon with a hot cup of tea and a Cosmo, but Mark Cavendish has been, despite some fine early-season competition, on a hell of a tear, with the added bonus that, should you actually be about to beat him in a sprint on the merits, he can and will rip your derailleur off with teeth within a wheel's-width of the line. I take back every doubt I had about you Cav--at least until Marcel's all done with his blow-out!

Wiggo's Got a Brand New Bag: meanwhile, big style points to baby team boss Sir Bradley Wiggins, who's debuted a stylin' new jersey for his nascent squad that's far superior to the boring (and confusing) black of most'a' the ProTour this year. Special feature: press the target logo on the chest, and it chirps, "*Sure*, I'll help Froomey win the Tour!" Oh, just keep rubbin' salt in old wounds there, Brad...

Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeens!: finally, giant kudos to our fine local bike shop for hosting an entirely bitchin' Q&A with the entirely bitchin' Jens Voigt yesterday. My dear Contador and Cancellara swooners, I get it--never have I seen so many grownups, myself included, share so much in common with a shrieking stadium full of sugar-stoked tween idol fans. Yep, I'm a Belieber--thank you Jens and Cycle Loft!

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Blood Bags of Christmases Past! Hushovd's Gonna Knock You Out! Tinkov's Gonna Announce Something Big!

I'll Slap You In the Mouth, I'm Thor Hushovd!: he may be retired, but his influence reigns supreme (or he still has some, anyway)--yes, amiable retiree Thor Hushovd was apparently so irked at angelic Edvald Boassen-Haagen-Dasz's potential signing with the skanky lot over at Saxo Bank last year that he threatened to smack him in the mouth. Geez, Thor, if only you'd threatened to squash him with a magic hammer, you really *would* be the Thunder God! Still, it was apparently enough for Edvald to sign instead with the bitchin' MTN-Qhubeka, leading, according to Norwegian TV, for intemperate team oligarch to tweet menacingly: "Then I saw another side of him, which I had not seen before. Then I thought that maybe it was not so g├Žernt that I went there, tell rudsbygd no." I don't know what the hell he's saying to you Edvald, but I'd say stay way outta his way this year!

I Want to Dope Your Blooooooooooood: and *just* when you thought you'd escaped from the dark days of 2006 to the cheat-less cycling of today, there's still a *whole* lotta Nervous Nellies left from the "old school" frantically checking to make sure they got their bio passport tweaked right the first time: yes, there's still time for angry narcs to get their mitts on the old Operacion Puerto blood bags. When contacted by the Imaginary Racejunkie News Service, 2014 WorldTour champ/multiple race winner Alejandro Valverde reportedly jeered, "suckerrrrrrrrrrrrrrs!" Oh, I'm *so* glad there's been hardly no problems since then....

Is It Sagan? Is It Contador? Is It Just the Megalomaniacal Rantings of a Publicity-Starved Lunatic?: meantime, as Oleg Tinkov muses that (1) Contador might retire after winning the Giro-Tour double at the end of 2015 and that (2) Peter Sagan better win both Flanders and San Remo this year or he won't quite *kill* 'im, but he *will* !@#damn !@#$ him up, our tender wallflower has proclaimed via Twitter he's gonna announce the "biggest news ever" at the official presentation of Tirreno-Adriatico. Oh, !@#$, he's bought the ENTIRE !@#$ING PELOTON--watch out sprinters, he's gonna make you all bear him around in some gaudy golden palanquin, with Sagan and Contador as his pressure-smacked cash-cows you poor schmucks are all just superfluous now...

That's Right, It's Bike *Racing*!: finally, even though the bangin' Niki Terpstra actually won the time trial at Tour of Qatar today, apparently, everyone just wants gratuitous photos of Fabian Cancellara: But congratulations Niki, so here's a consolation photo of you too!

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Video Killed the Roadie-o Star; and, Cadel and Samuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! #cycling

Ready, Aim, Siiiiiiiiiiing!: yep, not content with being (1) retired (2) obscenely wealthy despite screwing an entire sport into eternal ignominy or (3) yappin' to BBC how he'd dope again anyway, fallen hero Lance Armstrong is yet again ho-ing himself for the limelight, now appearing in a close rocker friend's hi-larious new video, including, according to the fine folks at cyclingnews, a voice mail message in which he cautions the listener to "step the !@#$ off, Lance." !@#$, he's threatening poor Tyler Hamilton *again*? Anyhoo, here, Lance sings his eponymous hit single:

BMC, They're Totally Cool Again: and, in Team BMC's continued redemption from having hosed we love Thor, Philippe, *and* Samuel Sanchez the last couple seasons, the squad is bringing its A-game to Cadel Evans' official farewell to the peloton in his Cadel Evans Great Ocean Road Race, including, of course, Cadel and new re-sign Samu. Now bow to him at the Grand Tours BMC and you'll *really* have earned your keep already this season!

It Pays to Beat Mark Cavendish: finally, congrats to youngster Fernando Gaviria, who recently beat Mark Cavendish in a sprint at the Tour de San Luis, because thanks to his win over a most formidable opponent, he's reportedly now considering offers from both a Belgian and a French World Tour squad. Belgian, huh?--so *that's* what Cav's gonna do, absorb the boy into his 2015 lead-out train at Quick Step! Fast *and* smart, that Manx Missile is...

Monday, January 26, 2015

Chris Horner's Been !#$%^ed!: A Call For a Special New Cycling Team

All right, I call bull!@#$: that the winner of the 2013 freakin' Vuelta a Espana couldn't pull a WorldTour or Pro Continental gig was crap enough, but that his new squad doesn't even get a wild-card invitation to the Amgen EPO Tour of California is !@#$in' ridiculous. Who the hell and how hard could you possibly have to butt-kiss to get into that (admittedly very fine) race?! So as usual, we've gotta step in to fix the situation, and here it is: a call for a new WorldTour, all-events-invited cycling squad, Team Desiccated Old Guys! The criteria:

(1) You're 35 plus;

(2) you can still open a can of whup-!@# on half the peloton, hereby defined as, crash-out DNFs excepted, you are (a) a top-15 finisher, if designated team leader; (b) making the time cut, if a nut-busting top lieutenant or lead-out; or (c) in the top 75%, if you're a bidon-schlepping domestique monkey; and

(3) Jaysus, !@#$in' Davide Rebellin still gets to race, so why can't you?!

By my reckoning, this means: Horner's got a coupla more seasons; Jens has got another decade; Marianne Vos will be riding for 45 years after she's eligible to collect whatever the heck her country's version of Social Security; and that freak Valverde'll be in team kit 'til the actual geological end of time. Well, having solved this catastrophe, all we need now is a sponsor. Why not that crazy s.o.b. Tinkov, he'll be pulling ludicrous feats of physical exertion 'til well into the 23rd century?--now Horner, get back on your bike, back in the game, and enjoy the Tour of California!