Holy crap, it's like T - 2 to the Vuelta! And this ain't no sprinters' party (though the Tour de France wasn't so much as usual this year either)--this is the fabulous Vuelta a Espana, baby, and a course tailor-made for the mountain goats over at we love Euskaltel and, of course, we love and *have faith in* you heretic goons, Mikel Landa, who we refuse to accept this bull!@#$ about not going for GC and maybe only aiming for a stage win. #Landismo, beeyotches! Anyway, before we get to who's in it, including that Tramadol-sucking DQd Mikel-backstabbing weasel Quintana, *what's* in it? This!
Week One: Welcome to...the Netherlands? Whatever, but you can't go wrong with beautiful Utrecht! We start off with an inaugural, long enough at 23.3k time trial that oughta give Lotto Soudal, and, more importantly, Primoz Roglic, an annoying GC advantage of approximately 52 hours 16 minutes over the nearest podium contenders. Dammit! Stage 2 *is* a rare gift to the fast men--if you don't count the Cat 3 tossed in to get the KOM going. Danger: crosswinds. Don't !@#$ this up, Bahrain! Stage 3: don't get those mountain legs *too* twitchy just yet, because it's another flat one. Enjoy, sprinters, because it's just about your last damn chance! Next up: a premature transfer/rest day, and we all saw this year how *that* throws the peloton for a loop. Hold it together, and we'll see you tomorrow in Spain! Stage 4: Technically a medium-mountains stage, the climb 15k out then skeevy descent to the finish means some of you better have brushed up on your descending skills--no opiates for you, Nairo! Stage 5: and oh yes, we are in the Basque country at last, home of the most perfect fans on the planet and another day to get the climbers just started in their groove. And yes, I already have my massive orange shrine in place. Aupa Euskalteeeeeeeeeeeeeeel! Stage 6: Okay, *now* we're in the mountains, honey: it's two Cat 1s including a mountaintop finish that, while it won't decide the GC, certainly might show who's gonna be spit out of it. Stage 7: "medium mountains", in that it has a giant-!@# Cat 1 beast of the Puerto de San Glorio peaking about 65k from the finish then a mostly looooooooooong downhill to the finish, with a mean lumpy bit at 150-168k just to wreck your rhythm. Cripes, *now* can we have a real rest day?
Week 2: Feeling relaxed, or you freaked out about that opiate you didn't know you took and that pesky finger stick from the narcs? Anyway, Stage 8 in Asturias is *not* screwing around, with a five-pack of Cat 2s and 3s until you start pretty much climbing for good for the last 18k onto the spankin' new hence totally unpredictable in practice mountaintop finito on the Cat 1 Collao Fancuaya. *Now* we're talking GC! Don't shake out those legs *too* much, though--Stage 8 is another rolling ripper with a finale up the (yep, you guessed it) Cat 1 to Nava with a complete b!@#$ of a 4k to shell out the more slow-'n'-steady types. Wait, now it's rest day 2 *already*? What is this heathen sneaky !@#$ ?, I'm a Tour de France guy for chrissakes! Well, rest up or not, but Stage 10 is a 30k individual time trial flat enough to completely screw Mikel and any other pure climbers but which ought to leave the rest of the GC undisturbed. Oh, and crosswinds. No fun! Stage 11: Okay, sprinters, enjoy--191k of damn near nothin'! Stage 12: Welcome to Malaga! You got squat to do most of the day, GC, except freak out about the 20k finale up the Cat 1 Penas Blancas. That oughta wake you up outta your stupor! Stage 13: don't worry, despite its rolly profile, it's actually pretty damn flat, but it's gonna take some recovery by the really big boys not to bonk a bit before the final sprint. We finish up the week with a pretty mellow Stage 14 with a Cat 3 hop about 90k out then (of course, which is why we love the Vuelta), yet another Cat 1 finale with a downhill/uphill final k. Oh thank God--there's a rest day *3* this merciful Vuelta?
Week 3: all right, gloves off (or on, whichever you prefer) boys--if you haven't crashed out or completely cracked like a bad nut, this is when it all gets decided! Stage 15 is a party for the pure climbers, with our first HC ("Holy Crap") finale of the race that's sure to show whose recent injuries or covid bouts have left them vulnerable. Stage 16: one more for the sprinters. All right, guys, you can all go crying home now without any (well, much) shame or regrets! Stage 17: Break(away) time--just one Cat 2 at the final to separate the wheat from the chaff! Stage 18: another quiet mountain day, with just one Cat 1 honker at 140-150k out, then a relatively gentle 5-6%, 10k climb to Alto de Piornal. Bonus: you pass a monastery halfway in, so if you're done with this masochistic cyclist !@#$ and decide you'd prefer a life of quiet contemplation, now's your chance! Stage 19 is another one for the break, with 2 Cat 2s and a nice flat finish. But it ain't over yet: for stage 20, it's Cat 1 Cat 2 Cat 2 Cat 1 Cat 1, with a just-slightly-enough-to-crush-you-spirituallly uphill final k to Navacerrada. Jaysus, I'm gasping--can we call the podium now or what? Last but not least, even the brutal Vuelta gives the riders a mercy flat celebration stage for Stage 21, though I don't know that sparkling wine's gonna pair well with all that Tylenol you're stuffed with. But stagger on up, GC, and enjoy your podium celebration before your legs collapse!
Well, that's yer Vuelta. Next up: the GC contenders!
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