Sunday, June 29, 2014

It's Yer 2014 Tour de France in Preview, Part Deux: The General Classification Contenders!

That's right, pups, these are the boys contending for the GC, the maillot jaune, the yellow jersey, top of the podium, the safe haven from Oleg Tinkov's wingnut wrath, the pride of a nation, the endorsement jackpot of a lifetime: the potential overall winners of the Tour de France 2014! So before something massively unpredictable happens on the first day and throws this whole thing to hell, who should you be looking at for the celebratory romp around the Champs Elysees and worldwide adoration and prestige as one of the top athletes of all time? These guys!

Chris Froome (Team Sky): Strengths: defending champ, solid team, and now knows definitively that anyone who !@#$s with 'im's gonna get immediately exiled to the velodrome until the Sir gets stripped off 'im like last year's discarded hot toy. More, the kid's got a handy Therapeutic Use Exemption for performance-assisting exercise-triggered-asthma meds, which, even if it only levels the playing field, certainly won't hurt 'im on the queen stage. Weaknesses: I swear, I have never seen *anyone* so ungainly on a a bicycle--how the hell does he get that much velocity with all that hapless flailing? Plus, according to Froomey, he's still a fat pig with a good kilo to lose before the Grand Depart. Lose it from where, lop off a !@#$in' limb or something?

Alberto Contador (Tinkoff-Saxo): Strengths: unlike, say, Froomey, he's proven he ain't no one-trick pony--he's got a good half-dozen Grand Tour wins under his bib shorts, and at age 31, he's still within that primo 28-to-31 sweet spot. Plus, whatever the heck happened in his disastrous 2013 season (shut up! he was not either!) clearly ain't happening now. As a psychological edge, (1) he's won enough to have his confidence back this time (2) he's cagey as all hell and no-one's gonna be able to tell how he feels til he either cracks catastrophically or wins Mont Ventoux by 10 minutes while actually taking a leisurely nap back in his hotel room and (3) Oleg's gonna rip his legs off if he chokes. Weaknesses: he's been known to absent-mindedly hunger-bonk; irreplaceable mountain pace-setter Roman Kreuziger's outta the Tour team with an unfortunate misunderstanding related to his 2010/2011 biological passport, and Contador, ergo, is hosed. Just suck off everybody else's domestiques, Alberto, and you ought to be alright!

Alejandro Valverde (Movistar): Strengths: got me where it's coming from (well, not really), but this year, Piti's riding like a 2004-era Postie. And, he just snagged the Spanish national time trial champs to boot (didja see Euskaltel's Ion Izaguirre won the road race? didja? well didja?!) On the same note, he's got a hugely strong team of, natch, mostly extremely mountain-happy ex-Carrots. Finally, with unwilling Giro champ/wonderboy Nairo Quintana forced to stay home, he's got no internal competition to stress 'im out. Cons: he's never met a monstrous mid-race meltdown he didn't like. Bets on what day he loses the podium!

Vincenzo Nibali (Astana): Strengths: good, solid, old-fashioned, jack-of-all-trades Grand Tour rider, with an almost Cadelian sticktoitiveness and Contadorian tranquillity. Plus, he's the new Italian road race champion, so that's one less thing for the Italian press to rip on him about. Weaknesses: his squad's no Movistar, and, frankly, he's mostly sucked this year. Still, Chris 'n' Alberto've gotta be at least a little more concerned about you than they were last week--maybe that mountain training's been paying off for you after all!

Tejay Van Garderen (BMC): WAAAAH, we love Thor Hushovd's retiring and isn't riding the Tour in his farewell year, WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! Looks funny not seeing Cadel's name on the BMC start list, much less not as named captain, right? Anyhoo, Strengths: great heart, awesome cyclist, a former Tour de France Best Young Rider, and reputedly not a self-important jerk, which always helps you keep your head in a pinch. Also, he's got a good team to help him out, including everyone's next favorite breakout star, Colombia's Darwin Atapuma. Weaknesses: not really going for the win, so much as some stages and maybe the podium. Allez Tejay, either way you still rock!

Purito Rodriguez (Katusha): no, he's not really aiming for GC here, since he promptly crashed out of main objective the Giro with the plan to rest before taking on the Vuelta, but he's still gonna push for at least a mountain stage win, which, with Froome and Contador guaranteed to be marking each other, could actually let him claw some pretty nice time back on GC. Weaknesses: this is an unplanned training ride, and if he's serious about August and September, he's not going to be willing to totally empty the tank ahead of the Vuelta. Yeah, he's still on this list anyway, so stuff it!

Riccardo Ricco': just kidding! He tried to sneak in unnoticed, but Bernard Hinault already tackled him. Speaking of whom, anyone wanna call who's gonna be the first to disgrace the race this year, besides those idiots galloping around the Alps in Speedos?

Remember, the cobbles can screw damn near any of these guys with the exception of maybe Valverde, so it could all be over anyway before week one is out. But an ill-timed flat, an overcooked corner, or, whoever forbid, a crash can happen to anyone, tho' it's a crap way to for someone to lose--and someone to win--the race. Stay safe out there guys--you get better bragging rights beating down the competition at the very top of their game!

Next preview: yer sprinters and stage-hunters. Onwards to Paris, fellow cycling freaks!

Saturday, June 28, 2014

It's Yer Tour de France in Preview, Part Un: the Tete de la Course!

That's Head of the Race, You Pervs: and we're gonna dish on the rest of it, too, 'cuz it's just days to go 'til the Grand Depart from beautiful Yorkshire! So, here's what you need to know about where we're going this year:

What Is It?: 3 weeks of hard ridin', hard crashin', intermittent cheatin', new-contract-searchin', fan-screamin' and shameless media-whorin' through the hills, dales, and high mountains of France. Dang, it's exhausting just thinking about it--so let's break out the wine already!

What's In It?: on paper--an entirely ridiculous 9 sprint stages, 5 thrilla rolling stages, 6 bangin' mountain stages with 5, count 'em 5 summit finishes, a coupla rest days for those weaklings to recover and a lone individual time trial. Allez allez--if you dare!

What-When To Watch For?: Like to sit there in numb-butted agony for 6 hours waiting for the final 2 kilometers of serious action? Then stages 1, 3, 4, 12, 15, 19, and of course the last-day Champs-Elysees is for Cav--uh, the sprinters. For the attack artists: you got yer chances on 6, 7, 9, 11, 16 Mountain goats and GC boys: keep yer eyes on 8, a tiring stage 10, 12 ,14, 17 to Plat d'Adet, 18 to Hautacam, and, if the time trial is your podium undoing (or doing!), stage 20 will tie it (or untie!) it all. And if you really, really miss Paris-Roubaix, the stage 5 cobbles should provide not only an easy win for Fabian Cancellara, but a potentially race-screwing early disaster any GC man too stupid or unlucky to stay upfront, away from the crashing or just plain backed-up peloton. Looking for an early glimpse of the GC contenders hilly form? Well, we start that awful early this year on a challenging stage 2, so Nibali, you better've already shaped up!

Who to Watch?: yeah, they get crap, especially for being either extreme Lance Armstrong naifs or total apologists, but for my money, Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen are the gold standard, baby--yes, I *do* want to discuss the Chateneuf-du-Pape you shared on that fateful day in 1986!

Next up--we break down the yellow jersey contenders, so wannabes, here's yer chance!

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

It's Such a Fine Line Between Stupid and, Uh, Huffing Too Much Salbutamol

Oh, Diego: yes, just when you thought we were in the clear from the beautiful Giro d'Italia, this year's revelation Diego Ulissi's been popped for a "non-negative" finding he sucked down too much asthma meds. Reached at home, the besieged Ulissi reportedly commented, "oh, !@#$!" Didn't *anyone* learn anything from Petacchi, I mean, Froome? Well, don't worry too much about your contract with Lampre, kid--at least it wasn't a "positive" test, so I'm sure that soothe 'em right quick!

Spanish Cycling Cracks Down!: okay, on gran fondos, anyway, as authorities removed a racer from the course of a gran fondo all Rasmussen-style right within reach of his win due to his disgraceful history of doping. Uh, have you guys noticed who's still riding in the Spanish *pro* peloton lately? Nope, me either...somehow, like them, I can't see a damn thing! Must be the blinding offensiveness of Valverde still riding...

Ghosts of Grand Tours Past: damn, that mild little attack in the Tour de Suisse must've really impressed the DS over at Team Trek, who decided to allow Andy "Frank's Little Brother" Schleck in the Tour de France squad along with the likes of we love Jens and Fabian Cancellara. We're rooting for you Andy--if you *say* you can be in contention for a stage win after you bring Frank up some snacks, who are we to doubt?

Shark Attack: finally, in addition to being flogged like a rum-thieving sailor by incensed team boss Alexander Vinokourov, Vincenzo Nibali's been workin' *real* hard to psyche out Froome and Contador (to say nothing of Tejay and Purito) for the Tour: he's twitting pix of himself chillin' in a lounge chair overlooking a sweet mountain view. *That's* how you scare the crap outta those overrated poseurs, Nibs--or at least give you a chance to relax after Vino's latest beatdown!

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Belkin Goes for the Gold (Well, Your Gold); and, Last Tour de France Contender to Show His Form!

Three (Thousand, Whatever's) a Crowd: yep, in the shocking wake of Belkin's decision to withdraw sponsorship and immediately screw whatever riders weren't already close to inking a lucrative alternative deal with another squad, they've gone desperate: they've set up a PayPal account to crowdfund the team for a minimum of 10 euros a pop. Donors will reportedly get a signed poster of some other random individual pocket-change savior they've never even heard of. Sweet! Y'know, part of me quite sympathizes--it's got a ton of great talent, and as when any major team kicks the bucket, we're gonna see a glut of worthwhile riders driving down contract prices and back to their "you want fries with that?" real-life jobs. But, !@#$, we couldn't even get anyone to crowdfund Euskatel, and like this squad deserves it more? Get in line, and UCI, try thinking up a less fickle and idiotic way to fund teams for !@#$!ssakes!

Sud-den Death: and, with the short-but-telling Route del Sud getting underway, Alejandro Valverde becomes the last TdF podium contender to either terrify, reassure or (most likely) completely bewilder his more prominent competitors Froomey Contador and Nibali ahead of the start line in July. If his three day performance tracks his three weeks', I predict he'll have an uneventful first day, a catastrophic day-two meltdown, and a desperate grab-for-the-podium day three. Efficient!

Wiggin' Out: finally, I'd just like congratulate Team Sky on coming up with a foolproof face-saver for Brad Wiggins not to support--or hell, let's be real here, totally backstab--Chris Froome at the Tour de France by his underwhelming ride at the Tour de Suisse. Still, the rest of your boys are going like hybrid cyborg human-machine freaks, so something tells me Chris'll be okay! Speaking of whom, I see Alberto Contador's got a dashing new mesh skinsuit to play in. Don't let what happened to him happen to you, Alberto--remember, *sunscreen*!

Monday, June 16, 2014

Hey, Lay Off Poor Johan Bruyneel Already! and, Sagan is Back, Suckers!

News from the Department of Total Pointlessness: okay, I get it--Johan Bruyneel was a very, very naughty boy. And sure, he screwed the dreams of every rider who refused to dope, engaged in a massive lucrative cheating conspiracy, and ruthlessly shut down anyone who tried to tell the truth about it, but I ask you, is *that* any reason for those Bitter Betties over at WADA to wank about increasing Johan's outrageous 10-year ban along with the similarly unjust 8 years for doc Pedro Celaya and trainer Pepe Marti? No, I say! Oh c'mon, 10 years outta the game, Johan'll barely know what !@#$ to *use*, much less win with--any eejit who hires 'im'll probably get popped like a two-bit broke-!@# amateur for Ricco'-era CERA or something. Or maybe he'd get Danilo Di Luca to give 'im tips on undetectable masking agents that give you the testosterone levels of a Barbie doll, or, god forbid, a Ken? Forgive and forget, I say--I'm sure Johan feels real, real bad from the comfort of his luxury private island, after all!

The Tourminator Returns (Even if He Really Didn't Go Anywhere): and, just as Mark Cavendish was complaining about the lack of a lead-out relative to some *other* squads that obviously only beat him because of it, Tour de France rival Peter Sagan has thrown down the gauntlet for the green jersey with a decisive victory in the Tour de Suisse today. Uh oh Cav--not only do you have that damn tower o' styling mousse Marcel Kittel to contend with in July, now it's that wheelie-poppin' bastid who can also get over a climb without callin' for a tow truck! Here, Sagz brings it on home: Not to worry though honey--we know you can still do it, so start practicin' some obscure obnoxious victory gestures to taunt Sagan with and don't get too psyched out for the Tour!

Ouch, That's Almost Worse'n a Crash: and, as we all sincerely wish Frank Schleck a safe and speedy recovery from his nasty concussion in the Tour de Suisse, even I can't muster enough soulless hostility to rag on his poor brother Andy at this point--his Trek boss is conceding quite openly that, should the former Tour de France sorta-champ even *make* the TdF squad, he'll *maybe* be shooting for a stage win. Aw, I'm feeling quite sorry for the kid here--hey, look over there at Brad Wiggins, if he's trying to get himself onto the Sky squad for July even if it's just to piss off Chris Froome, he'd better start picking up the pace from today's sorry ride!

Sunday, June 15, 2014

My Name is Humpty/Pronounced With a Umpty--the Tour de France GC Shapes Up (and Down)!

The Humpty Dance Is Your Chance to do the--Aw, You Know the Rest: yep, we sure found out at the Dauphine finale who's in shape for the Tour and who's cracked like a creepy arrogant talking egg! Oh sure, Froomey's got an excuse 'cause he crashed, but after today's disaster, he may want to think about apologizing to potentially useful superdomestique/autobio-beeyotch Brad Wiggins, despite the fact that Sky are riding like a pack of 2004-era Postal freaks. !@#$, I thought that rush-job UCI Therapeutic Use Exemptions for totally coincidentally performance-enhancing drugs were supposed to *improve* performance! As for Vincenzo Nibali, tho' he did put in a brave attack today, he's reportedly already on his way to a last-ditch high-altitude training camp in France, where Alexander Vinokourov will personally chase his terrified bonking !@# up and down the Alpe d'Huez wielding a whizzing 9-foot ox-whip every day 'til he either improves his form or Vino kicks him off the mountainside. Now *that's* race prep, kids! Meantime, a surging 2010-lookin' Alberto Contador, despite a few failed testing attacks in the earlier days of the Dauphine and, more importantly, a squad that distinctly looks unlikely to hold up against the Sky androids, has clearly timed things juuuuust right for July, including that little private airplane hidden discreetly at a small airport in France in case he !@#$s up after all and needs a quick escape to someplace even Oleg Tinkov can't find 'im. Y'know, tactically, that boy's got brains! As for suprise GC win Andrew Talansky? One, champagne, two, ridiculous new expectations for the Tour, and three, give that child a *raise* already! Here, the last 10k from the great CyclingHub:

Euskalteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel!: while we're at it, Mikel Nieve actually won the stage, so I say we cut the bull!@#$ and just reconstitute Euskaltel-Euskadi already. Damn, Oleg, Alonso still seems dithery, can't you just step in and buy 'em all up with the change you got squished behind the hand-stitched leather seats of your Ferrari or whatever?

AbFab--or Is He?: all right, I don't like this any more than you do--but let's be honest, even with an injury, Spartacus usually wins, so by that completely unfair standard, Fabian Cancellara's time trial at the Tour de Suisse, atypical as it was in profile and technical turnsiness, was a huge woof, and as he already turns his thoughts to the Tour's cobblestones where he will certainly redeem himself, I can only hope it was the bandages on his still-raw recon-crash bod that are behind the problem and not that, say, the wholly admirable Tony Martin is genuinely displacing him from Planet Time Trial. Oh well, Fabian's still got the Classics either way--until we love Tommeke comes back and whales on 'im next year!

Monday, June 09, 2014

Whoa Moly It's the First Doping Scandal of the Tour de France Already And It's Only the Dauphine!

Breathe In, Breathe Out: yep, just as I was thinkin' as how that Froomey was lookin' pretty damn good today towing a helpless Contador up the mountain and *still* having the energy to drop 'im in the finale at the Dauphine, comes our first official scandal of the Tour de France: Chris was caught huffing on an inhaler totally coincidentally right when he happened to be trying to win a mountain stage. Geez, think how that spindly freak's gonna ride when he's feeling *well* for a change! Still, apparently it's all cool with UCI--and I'm pretty sure I was hearing crickets chirping from the general direction of the peloton, so who are we to question?

Remember How "Jaws" Ended?: yeah, in a big gory mushroom cloud o' shark-guts, which is what Astana team boss/lovably egomaniacal sociopath Alexandre Vinokourov is gonna do to Vincenzo "lo Squalo" Nibali if he doesn't at least start showing enough pre-Tour form to worry his rivals this week, since Vino already wrote a very firm letter ripping his squad for crap results before Nibali popped today. Boys, I know Nibs was saying it was all good after the race, but really, I think this is the start and end of Vino's pep talk--the next one you get is gonna be yer feet sunk in a tub o' quick-set concrete, so start turning those damn pedals while you still can for heck's sake!

Out With the Old, In With the New: finally, former Lance Armstrong heir apparent/2x Giro champ Ivan Basso, who had a distinctly lackluster Giro despite a heartwarming attack or two, is apparently done with the Grand Tours that once seemed like his birthright--he won't be riding the Tour de France or the Vuelta a Espana, at least not for Cannondale this year. Y'know, remembering the coolly unapproachable "extraterrestri" Top Gun who posed shirtless for Gazzetta dello Sport and beat down an outraged we love Gilberto Simoni by 9 minutes in 2006, this somehow makes me rather sad. Oh well, at least he's got a lovely post-cycling gig as a blueberry farmer lined up--and Ivan, if you're really still signing for Tinkov next year, you might wanna get yer salary in a cash advance before he changes his mind!

Thursday, June 05, 2014

My Fantasy Oleg Tinkov Press Conference

Good morning. I've called you all here today because the Giro d'Italia is over and I can't stand to be out of the spotlight for one single minute. As you know, I've just finished riding the whole route to show my genuine love for the sport and to support and inspire my riders. This month, I'll also be riding the Tour de Suisse and the Dauphine, attending a high-altitude training camp in Tenerife, crashing into a spectator's dog, improving my time trial form in the MIT windtunnel, plying myself with uninspected Chinese beef, pacing Alberto Contador up the Alpe d'Huez, waking myself up at 3 a.m. for unannounced pre-Tour doping controls, cutting off Mark Cavendish in a sprint changing flat tires swapping out the derailleurs welding the frames and plowing the team bus into the overhead finishing banner. So let's get movin' here! FAN! (Alberto Contador leaps forward with giant palm fronds, waves in front of Tinkov's face)

First, I'd like to congratulate my team on a fine Giro d'Italia. No, we didn't win the GC, but Mick Rogers did take a coupla stages with the help of all those trained cocaine-stuffed gerbils on tiny flywheels we put inside his fra--what? that's not allowed?--with the help of some damn strong morning muesli, and I can assure you now that having spent the night covered in springbok meat in my private African veldt with a solid dozen of my half-starved endangered tigers, the riders sure understand what's gonna happen next time they fail at the podium. Uh, I guess "rider." But we'll get some new ones soon! I've also just purchased the Passo Stelvio from the Italian government for 86 billion dollars, and this very minute have a team of hardened laborers breaking it into smithereens inch by inch with picks right down to sea level. Descend *that*, Quintana you opportunistic punk! Additionally, totally unrelatedly thanks to my generous donation to UCI of a new building, a fleet of corporate Maseratis, and a really nice new Keurig setup, I'm pleased to announce that from now on *I* will have final decision on all race changes and neutralizations, as well as the absolute right to personally rip ou--uh, inspect the radio equipment of every team car whose DS I don't like.

Next, I'd like to address rumors that I'm offering Ivan Basso a lucrative contract to support Alberto Contador in the Tour de France next year. Wrong! I'm buying Ivan Basso to run behind me carrying an extra bidon while I climb Mont Ventoux, and I've bought *Chris Froome* and *Brad Wiggins* to domestique for Alberto. Oh right, and I'm paying 5 million euros a year for that kid Sagan to stand there at the side of the road waiting with a musette for me in case I get hungry. I'm also gonna make Brad and Chris be roommates all season just because I can. Ha ha!

Finally, I'd like to welcome our new sponsor, the Oleg Tinkov Fans Club, run, owned, operated, incorporated, funded, staffed and directed by me. As a result, we'll be adding a big photograph of my face to the team kit right on the riders' butts so there will be at least nine pictures of me right in front of the cameras in every single ProTour race on earth. Sure makes your lousy self-portrait race jersey look pathetic, doesn't it Vinokourov!

All right, I'm done. Go away. Now boys, *lift*! (Squad hefts golden palanquin onto shoulders, Oleg rides off reclining on velvet cushions and drinking champagne)

Monday, June 02, 2014

It's the 2014 Giro d'Italia Racejunkie Awards! #giro

Oh, let those fancy Hollywood ditzbags hit the awards-show red carpets in dazzling gowns and perfectly-tailored tuxedos--we cycling fans know what you *really* deserve a prize for, and you dress for it in aero booties, tattered bloody crash-scraped spandex, and neon bib shorts with your sponsors' names on the !@#$! So spit that energy-gel top at the paparazzi, whang that water bottle at a screaming fan--and without further ado, here's the incredibly prestigious 2014 Giro d'Italia Racejunkie Awards!

You Suck Race Organizers! Call o' the Giro: *really*? Kenny Dehaes busts his !@# for 3 weeks doesn't have a team car with him in the time trial and gets kicked out for missing the time cut? That *blows*--cut the humble hardworking domestiques o' the world a little slack for their efforts whydontcha?

Changing o' the Guard Award: oh, sure, Quintana won the whole show, Bouhanni's got moves like Jagger--but like you saw Diego Ulissi coming? Liar! Well, Basso Cunego and a host o' other aging Italian stars see him now....

Jaysus Tinkov Keep Your Head Down Trophy: I hate to say this, because I love love love him--but really, Mick Rogers bagging two stages including a brutal vertical mountain deathmarch? I don't care if he didn't do anything wrong--you *trying* to antagonize the narcs, enough with the ostentatious celebrating already Oleg!

Crash o' the Race (GC-Screwing): yep, Rodriguez on the disastrous stage 6. Oh, Purito! Please, *please* be back in time for the Vuelta--but you still don't get to beat Samuel Sanchez!

Crash o' the Race (Just Plain Heartbreaking): Dan Martin, skidding out in the opening meters and game over 15 minutes into the race, in his lovely home country no less--tell me that didn't make jump outta yer chair screaming "oh no"!

Crash o' the Race (oh !@#$ oh !@#$ oh !@#$): Chris Anker Sorensen, who finished the May 21 stage after a vicious crash that left him seemingly briefly unconscious and with no memory whatsoever of the rest of the stage. Please, please, DSes--I know you mustn't've realized, but *don't* let someone ride like that!

Smack-talk o' the Giro: outside GC hope Robert Kiserlovski after the Stelvio screwup, with, in reference to you-know-who, a firm "for me, they aren't riders." Boy, *someone* rolled outta the wrong side o' the Alps this morning!

Sticktoitveness Prize: Orica-Greenedge won the opening team time trial, Michael Matthews heroically held the maglia rosa for days--but one by one they got plucked off by injury and illness, 'til only Svein Tuft and Michael Hepburn were left. Sure, almost everyone loses a coupla guys--but to go with that few for that long--impressive!

Sartorial Offense Against God of 2014: god love 'im, it wasn't his fault, but Nairo's little pink individual time trial go-go boots. Am I at a Judy Jetson convention?

Sissy-boy Slap-fight Award: miraculously, even after the disaster on the Stelvio, it wasn't between Quintana and anybody else--hell, it wasn't even in the Giro d'Italia this year. Tie for Kenny Van Hummel, kicked out of the Tour of Belgium for pushing another rider after a slimy sprint, & RusVelo's Sergey Lagutin for actually punching Sep Vanmarcke!

Class Act o' the Race: y'know, Rigoberto Uran could really have taken advantage of the Stelvio controversy to be a complete and total !@#$. But he gave credit where credit was truly due, and his warm embrace of 2014 champ/fellow countryman Nairo Quintana on the final podium showed he wasn't one. Even better, you can still buy his stylin' pink skull t-shirt on his website. You're still gonna win a Grand Tour Rigoberto--just not this one this year!

And Finally, Fan Dimwit Move o' Giro 2014: y'know, it's normally some asshat letting their giant dog wander into the course or some eejit mugging for the camera pushing an unwilling rider up the hill--but poor Bongiorno's screaming blockhead knocking him out of his pedals and the stage win on an excruciating 15% gradient while 'til-then-companion Rogers pedaled obliviously away as Bongiorno's dream of a lifetime went over a cliff just about takes the cake. That's it--next year, *every* rider gets armed with a sword--avast, ye stupid wankers!

So riders, bask in your glory, fans, hold the pink close to your heart til next year--it's time to get ready for the gaudy overhyped spectacle of the Tour!

Sunday, June 01, 2014

It's Our 2014 Giro d'Italia Racejunkie Win Free Stuff Contest Part Tre Winner! and, Insults! #giro

Well, it's been an exciting Giro--and since no one got the podium quite right, I tossed all the entries into the Holy Crap Ted King Gave Me This Cannondale Cap o' Bitchinness, and we've got our 2014 Racejunkie Giro d'Italia Contest Week Tre Winner, Sonnyboy! Sonnyboy, check yer email to claim yer prizes--congrats and thanks to all for playing, I hope you try again next year!

It's Our Insult Rider Moratorium Update!: and, I think I forgot to mention our prior contest winners' Two Week Rider Insult Moratorium pics, so lucky for you Mauro Santambrogio and, in a twist, a Rider Insult Have-At-It for bitter preying mantis Brad Wiggins, who's been publicly waffling about whether or not he's gonna ride the Tour de France of course in faithful service of defending champ/teammate Chris Froome, which, luckily, has been all but settled by Wiggo's 2012-lieutenant/beeyotch Chris' cheerful new autobio accusing winner Brad of being an unbearable erratic male-menopausal suck-climber prima-donna snot. Don't worry Brad, if you decide to eat your ego and go help Chris anyway, *and* he manages to fend off a Tinkov-whipped Contador and weight-of-a-nation Nibali, I'm sure he'll be just as good a sport as you were and pay you yer teammates cut--like you, only after Brailsford threatens to break his spindly kneecaps, but hey, what's a year between friends?

Oh, and Here's the Bangin' Giro d'Italia Theme Song Again--so Pedala!: