Oh, let those fancy Hollywood ditzbags hit the awards-show red carpets in dazzling gowns and perfectly-tailored tuxedos--we cycling fans know what you *really* deserve a prize for, and you dress for it in aero booties, tattered bloody crash-scraped spandex, and neon bib shorts with your sponsors' names on the !@#$! So spit that energy-gel top at the paparazzi, whang that water bottle at a screaming fan--and without further ado, here's the incredibly prestigious 2014 Giro d'Italia Racejunkie Awards!
You Suck Race Organizers! Call o' the Giro: *really*? Kenny Dehaes busts his !@# for 3 weeks doesn't have a team car with him in the time trial and gets kicked out for missing the time cut? That *blows*--cut the humble hardworking domestiques o' the world a little slack for their efforts whydontcha?
Changing o' the Guard Award: oh, sure, Quintana won the whole show, Bouhanni's got moves like Jagger--but like you saw Diego Ulissi coming? Liar! Well, Basso Cunego and a host o' other aging Italian stars see him now....
Jaysus Tinkov Keep Your Head Down Trophy: I hate to say this, because I love love love him--but really, Mick Rogers bagging two stages including a brutal vertical mountain deathmarch? I don't care if he didn't do anything wrong--you *trying* to antagonize the narcs, enough with the ostentatious celebrating already Oleg!
Crash o' the Race (GC-Screwing): yep, Rodriguez on the disastrous stage 6. Oh, Purito! Please, *please* be back in time for the Vuelta--but you still don't get to beat Samuel Sanchez!
Crash o' the Race (Just Plain Heartbreaking): Dan Martin, skidding out in the opening meters and game over 15 minutes into the race, in his lovely home country no less--tell me that didn't make jump outta yer chair screaming "oh no"!
Crash o' the Race (oh !@#$ oh !@#$ oh !@#$): Chris Anker Sorensen, who finished the May 21 stage after a vicious crash that left him seemingly briefly unconscious and with no memory whatsoever of the rest of the stage. Please, please, DSes--I know you mustn't've realized, but *don't* let someone ride like that!
Smack-talk o' the Giro: outside GC hope Robert Kiserlovski after the Stelvio screwup, with, in reference to you-know-who, a firm "for me, they aren't riders." Boy, *someone* rolled outta the wrong side o' the Alps this morning!
Sticktoitveness Prize: Orica-Greenedge won the opening team time trial, Michael Matthews heroically held the maglia rosa for days--but one by one they got plucked off by injury and illness, 'til only Svein Tuft and Michael Hepburn were left. Sure, almost everyone loses a coupla guys--but to go with that few for that long--impressive!
Sartorial Offense Against God of 2014: god love 'im, it wasn't his fault, but Nairo's little pink individual time trial go-go boots. Am I at a Judy Jetson convention?
Sissy-boy Slap-fight Award: miraculously, even after the disaster on the Stelvio, it wasn't between Quintana and anybody else--hell, it wasn't even in the Giro d'Italia this year. Tie for Kenny Van Hummel, kicked out of the Tour of Belgium for pushing another rider after a slimy sprint, & RusVelo's Sergey Lagutin for actually punching Sep Vanmarcke!
Class Act o' the Race: y'know, Rigoberto Uran could really have taken advantage of the Stelvio controversy to be a complete and total !@#$. But he gave credit where credit was truly due, and his warm embrace of 2014 champ/fellow countryman Nairo Quintana on the final podium showed he wasn't one. Even better, you can still buy his stylin' pink skull t-shirt on his website. You're still gonna win a Grand Tour Rigoberto--just not this one this year!
And Finally, Fan Dimwit Move o' Giro 2014: y'know, it's normally some asshat letting their giant dog wander into the course or some eejit mugging for the camera pushing an unwilling rider up the hill--but poor Bongiorno's screaming blockhead knocking him out of his pedals and the stage win on an excruciating 15% gradient while 'til-then-companion Rogers pedaled obliviously away as Bongiorno's dream of a lifetime went over a cliff just about takes the cake. That's it--next year, *every* rider gets armed with a sword--avast, ye stupid wankers!
So riders, bask in your glory, fans, hold the pink close to your heart til next year--it's time to get ready for the gaudy overhyped spectacle of the Tour!