Thursday, June 05, 2014

My Fantasy Oleg Tinkov Press Conference

Good morning. I've called you all here today because the Giro d'Italia is over and I can't stand to be out of the spotlight for one single minute. As you know, I've just finished riding the whole route to show my genuine love for the sport and to support and inspire my riders. This month, I'll also be riding the Tour de Suisse and the Dauphine, attending a high-altitude training camp in Tenerife, crashing into a spectator's dog, improving my time trial form in the MIT windtunnel, plying myself with uninspected Chinese beef, pacing Alberto Contador up the Alpe d'Huez, waking myself up at 3 a.m. for unannounced pre-Tour doping controls, cutting off Mark Cavendish in a sprint changing flat tires swapping out the derailleurs welding the frames and plowing the team bus into the overhead finishing banner. So let's get movin' here! FAN! (Alberto Contador leaps forward with giant palm fronds, waves in front of Tinkov's face)

First, I'd like to congratulate my team on a fine Giro d'Italia. No, we didn't win the GC, but Mick Rogers did take a coupla stages with the help of all those trained cocaine-stuffed gerbils on tiny flywheels we put inside his fra--what? that's not allowed?--with the help of some damn strong morning muesli, and I can assure you now that having spent the night covered in springbok meat in my private African veldt with a solid dozen of my half-starved endangered tigers, the riders sure understand what's gonna happen next time they fail at the podium. Uh, I guess "rider." But we'll get some new ones soon! I've also just purchased the Passo Stelvio from the Italian government for 86 billion dollars, and this very minute have a team of hardened laborers breaking it into smithereens inch by inch with picks right down to sea level. Descend *that*, Quintana you opportunistic punk! Additionally, totally unrelatedly thanks to my generous donation to UCI of a new building, a fleet of corporate Maseratis, and a really nice new Keurig setup, I'm pleased to announce that from now on *I* will have final decision on all race changes and neutralizations, as well as the absolute right to personally rip ou--uh, inspect the radio equipment of every team car whose DS I don't like.

Next, I'd like to address rumors that I'm offering Ivan Basso a lucrative contract to support Alberto Contador in the Tour de France next year. Wrong! I'm buying Ivan Basso to run behind me carrying an extra bidon while I climb Mont Ventoux, and I've bought *Chris Froome* and *Brad Wiggins* to domestique for Alberto. Oh right, and I'm paying 5 million euros a year for that kid Sagan to stand there at the side of the road waiting with a musette for me in case I get hungry. I'm also gonna make Brad and Chris be roommates all season just because I can. Ha ha!

Finally, I'd like to welcome our new sponsor, the Oleg Tinkov Fans Club, run, owned, operated, incorporated, funded, staffed and directed by me. As a result, we'll be adding a big photograph of my face to the team kit right on the riders' butts so there will be at least nine pictures of me right in front of the cameras in every single ProTour race on earth. Sure makes your lousy self-portrait race jersey look pathetic, doesn't it Vinokourov!

All right, I'm done. Go away. Now boys, *lift*! (Squad hefts golden palanquin onto shoulders, Oleg rides off reclining on velvet cushions and drinking champagne)

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