Monday, June 16, 2014

Hey, Lay Off Poor Johan Bruyneel Already! and, Sagan is Back, Suckers!

News from the Department of Total Pointlessness: okay, I get it--Johan Bruyneel was a very, very naughty boy. And sure, he screwed the dreams of every rider who refused to dope, engaged in a massive lucrative cheating conspiracy, and ruthlessly shut down anyone who tried to tell the truth about it, but I ask you, is *that* any reason for those Bitter Betties over at WADA to wank about increasing Johan's outrageous 10-year ban along with the similarly unjust 8 years for doc Pedro Celaya and trainer Pepe Marti? No, I say! Oh c'mon, 10 years outta the game, Johan'll barely know what !@#$ to *use*, much less win with--any eejit who hires 'im'll probably get popped like a two-bit broke-!@# amateur for Ricco'-era CERA or something. Or maybe he'd get Danilo Di Luca to give 'im tips on undetectable masking agents that give you the testosterone levels of a Barbie doll, or, god forbid, a Ken? Forgive and forget, I say--I'm sure Johan feels real, real bad from the comfort of his luxury private island, after all!

The Tourminator Returns (Even if He Really Didn't Go Anywhere): and, just as Mark Cavendish was complaining about the lack of a lead-out relative to some *other* squads that obviously only beat him because of it, Tour de France rival Peter Sagan has thrown down the gauntlet for the green jersey with a decisive victory in the Tour de Suisse today. Uh oh Cav--not only do you have that damn tower o' styling mousse Marcel Kittel to contend with in July, now it's that wheelie-poppin' bastid who can also get over a climb without callin' for a tow truck! Here, Sagz brings it on home: Not to worry though honey--we know you can still do it, so start practicin' some obscure obnoxious victory gestures to taunt Sagan with and don't get too psyched out for the Tour!

Ouch, That's Almost Worse'n a Crash: and, as we all sincerely wish Frank Schleck a safe and speedy recovery from his nasty concussion in the Tour de Suisse, even I can't muster enough soulless hostility to rag on his poor brother Andy at this point--his Trek boss is conceding quite openly that, should the former Tour de France sorta-champ even *make* the TdF squad, he'll *maybe* be shooting for a stage win. Aw, I'm feeling quite sorry for the kid here--hey, look over there at Brad Wiggins, if he's trying to get himself onto the Sky squad for July even if it's just to piss off Chris Froome, he'd better start picking up the pace from today's sorry ride!

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