Sunday, June 15, 2014

My Name is Humpty/Pronounced With a Umpty--the Tour de France GC Shapes Up (and Down)!

The Humpty Dance Is Your Chance to do the--Aw, You Know the Rest: yep, we sure found out at the Dauphine finale who's in shape for the Tour and who's cracked like a creepy arrogant talking egg! Oh sure, Froomey's got an excuse 'cause he crashed, but after today's disaster, he may want to think about apologizing to potentially useful superdomestique/autobio-beeyotch Brad Wiggins, despite the fact that Sky are riding like a pack of 2004-era Postal freaks. !@#$, I thought that rush-job UCI Therapeutic Use Exemptions for totally coincidentally performance-enhancing drugs were supposed to *improve* performance! As for Vincenzo Nibali, tho' he did put in a brave attack today, he's reportedly already on his way to a last-ditch high-altitude training camp in France, where Alexander Vinokourov will personally chase his terrified bonking !@# up and down the Alpe d'Huez wielding a whizzing 9-foot ox-whip every day 'til he either improves his form or Vino kicks him off the mountainside. Now *that's* race prep, kids! Meantime, a surging 2010-lookin' Alberto Contador, despite a few failed testing attacks in the earlier days of the Dauphine and, more importantly, a squad that distinctly looks unlikely to hold up against the Sky androids, has clearly timed things juuuuust right for July, including that little private airplane hidden discreetly at a small airport in France in case he !@#$s up after all and needs a quick escape to someplace even Oleg Tinkov can't find 'im. Y'know, tactically, that boy's got brains! As for suprise GC win Andrew Talansky? One, champagne, two, ridiculous new expectations for the Tour, and three, give that child a *raise* already! Here, the last 10k from the great CyclingHub:

Euskalteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel!: while we're at it, Mikel Nieve actually won the stage, so I say we cut the bull!@#$ and just reconstitute Euskaltel-Euskadi already. Damn, Oleg, Alonso still seems dithery, can't you just step in and buy 'em all up with the change you got squished behind the hand-stitched leather seats of your Ferrari or whatever?

AbFab--or Is He?: all right, I don't like this any more than you do--but let's be honest, even with an injury, Spartacus usually wins, so by that completely unfair standard, Fabian Cancellara's time trial at the Tour de Suisse, atypical as it was in profile and technical turnsiness, was a huge woof, and as he already turns his thoughts to the Tour's cobblestones where he will certainly redeem himself, I can only hope it was the bandages on his still-raw recon-crash bod that are behind the problem and not that, say, the wholly admirable Tony Martin is genuinely displacing him from Planet Time Trial. Oh well, Fabian's still got the Classics either way--until we love Tommeke comes back and whales on 'im next year!

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