It's Yer Vuelta a Espana Rest Day Dos Roundup!

 Okay, we're more'n halfway through, Mikel Landa is still saving it for the last week so you can all just !@#$ off, and, rather predictably, Rogla is still--if not by much at the moment--in control.  So what've we learned, and what're we gonna?  This!

1. Richard Carapaz has left the race.  Wait, he was *in* it?

2. Roglic's DS must've been completely bull!@#$ when he posted that pic of himself balancing on a slanted railing today.  I can hear it now (and frankly, you can probably hear it all over Spain): "You crashed on the !@#$ing rest day doing *what*?!?!"

3. I stand by my position that long time trials deciding the overall victory in a Grand Tour is bull!@#$.  Leave that !@#$ for Cancellara and Ganna and let the Giro, Tour, and Vuelta be determined by the climbers.  Yap, all-rounder, yap.  Half these !@#$ers wouldn't *be* all-rounders if they didn't have to be on the juice just to cling on to the final podium!

4. Speaking of climbers, unless Mas and Lopez get a good 15 minutes on Roglic in the next coupla mountain stages, they're !@#$ed.  Then again, Rogla *does* have a way of toppling over--though I hope of course he doesn't!

5. Sepp Kuss.  He looked a little shaky to me the first few days, but now, it's clear he's got his mojo back. Movistar and Ineos, I *don't* think Roglic needs your help being pulled up the mountains any more!

6. It's very sweet seeing Aru attack in his last race--he hasn't looked this happy in years.  But his bitchin' "That's All Folks!" cartoon farewell shoes are even better.

7. Odd Christian Eiking.  No, you weren't seeing that one coming either, liar!

8. As long as we're eliminating those !@#$ty footy barriers that keep taking out the sprinters, can we put a moratorium on Giant Rolls of Barbed Wire Right By the Side of the Road?  I mean, the cows can stand 10 feet back from the course ffs!

9. Alejandro Valverde.  2022 Vuelta.  Who's with me? 

10. Fabio Jakobsen.  It was actually kinda wonderful seeing Fabio going all Cav on his teammates' !@#ses for losing him in the sprint the other day.  Now *that's* the obnoxious prima donna fast-men we all know and love back in action!

All right, on to another sprint stage tomorrow.  Rogla, *try* to stay upright--and if you do, *try* not to humiliate Mas and Lopez *too* badly on the final day! 

It's Yer Vuelta a Espana Rest Day Uno Roundup!

 All right, Vuelta fans, we love and still have total faith Mikel Landa...*rested* for a day and is now thinking hard about a stage win in week 3, Carapaz and his golden helmet straight-out cracked like a rotten walnut and is completely out of GC as well, and Rogla...well, we'll get to him right off!  So what've we learned so far?  This!

1. Roglic.  Let's face it, the man's a freak of nature.  I mean, hopefully "of nature," or at least as natural as any of these guys can be expected to be!  Anyhow, while he's only 28 seconds up on Mas and less than two minutes ahead of Bernal and Lopez, a lot can happen in the next 10 days, and it probably still won't matter a damn because, according to my highly sophisticated mathematical models, he's gonna obliterate all these guys by approximately two and half hours on the final day 33k race-deciding time trial.  Wild card: he *has* been known to tire a bit, and key lieutenant Sepp Kuss, who in prior Grand Tours has had plenty of time to sit up, crack open a cold beer, and enjoy a massage waiting for Rogla to catch up to him on a climb, has been on certainly very fine but also to my eyes rather yo-yo-ing form, which could present a problem for Rogla if he's caught on a very bad day.  Yeah, so he slaughters the competition by 30 seconds less in the end!  Oh, Rogla, if only you weren't *so* darn likeable...

2. Alejandro Valverde.  You can say a lot about Bala--and heck knows, I have and will--but you can't deny that at age 216, he still injects a whole buncha power and a whole buncha liveliness into any given race, not least when he's bushwhacking his own teammates, so by any measure it's just total !@#$ that our one-man Fountain of Youth crashed out on a miniscule pothole and pitched, miraculously, halfway-but-at-least-not-all-the-way off a cliff. And if you weren't moved when he was sobbing into the arms of his swanny as he realized his dream had vaporized, you're just a lollipop-stealing puppy-ignoring heartless monster.  Get well soon Alejandro--but seriously, is there anyone who *doesn't* think he's gonna redeem his final Vuelta this year by stomping his final Vuelta again next year?

3. Mas and Lopez.  What is Movistar to do when a third of its omnidestructive 'trident' strategy is gone?  Yeah, apparently *still* carry Roglic up to the summit of every mountain stage, but aside from that, to their credit, at least they're *trying* to attack.  Fatal weakness: yep, time trial.  Oh well, at least it's sort of a crapshoot who'll end up where on the final podium!

4. Ineos.  You gotta give 'em credit--despite Carapaz' total meltdown, for which he at least has a pretty good excuse, if any team is most likely to succeed Movistar as the Team Most Likely to Win the Race for Another Team's Rider, it's these guys.  And while Yates put up quite a brave attack yesterday, and Bernal, well, managed to hang in there, that's not to say that they won't redeem themselves with a stage win, at least if Bernal's back holds up.  With even him sounding dispirited though, the signs for more aren't good. Don't feel *too* bad though--I'm sure Jumbo-Visma will be glad to hand 'em a few water bottles along the road!

5. Mikel Landa.  Normally, I'd lead with or last-but-not-least our beloved Carrot, but frankly, I didn't want you all to see me cry.  I will, however, scream in agony.  Aaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggghhhhhh! Okay, I'm cool, I'm cool--but Mikel, don't you even *think* about that "Tour de France" bull!@#$ for next year, the Giro d'Italia is in !@#damn *May* and you're not gonna let what happened this year psych you out, you hear?!

6. Fabio Jakobsen.  Sure, you can't help but like Jasper Philipsen, and I'd be way happy for Bling Matthews to take a win, but holy crap is it delightful to see Fabio back from his catastrophic injury, back in the peloton, and, most thrillingly, back to his winning ways.  Can you imagine what this kid is gonna do in 2022 when he's had a solid season of racing behind him?  Now shut up and hand me the Kleenex, you saps!

7. Euskaltel.  Sure, I'm not exactly appreciating it when the race commentators discount our dear baby Carrots for the win in *every* *single* *breakaway*, but not only are they making their sponsors and the Basque fans wildly happy, they're also, by the law of averages, bound to pull one of these stages off.  And if not, there's always next year--with luck and justice, in *every* Grand Tour this time!

8. Bahrain-Victorious and EF.  I'm beyond gutted about the Gut-Wrenching Nut-Punch That Shall Not be Named, and awful sad that the very fine Hugh Carthy had to bail this year, but you can't fault these two teams--with their leaders out, they've pivoted on a dime and taken a coupla smashing stage wins, with, it looks likely, more to come.  Aw, come on--like *you* weren't hyperventilating right up til the last kilometer yesterday for Caruso to pull off the win!

9. Mikel Nieve.  I have been disapproving this "hard-man" crap of late, particularly as it relates to riding with actual bone breaks and head bonks, but damn, our dear ever-Carrot Nieve just *never* gives up.  *That's* a team captain, baby!

Well, while we can only *wish* we had the power to eavesdrop on Ineos' strategy meeting today, we'll at least get to see its twisted outcome on the road the week to come--so get out yer Euskaltel gear, cross your fingers we'll end up with a real battle out there, and let's get back on the tarmac!

It's the Vuelta It's the Vuelta It's the Vuelta! It's Yer Vuelta a Espana in Preview, Part Dos: The Contenders!

 Holy crap, it's *one* day left til the glorious Vuelta, and before they all melt into the tarmac only to be rediscovered perfectly preserved10 million years from now like those dinosaurs trapped in the La Brea Tar Pits, let's talk about who's in contention, shall we?  And no, Pogacar's *not* riding, so he *doesn't* already have this race all locked up (though he's still arguably a threat)!  Anyhow, your contenders:

1. General Classification:

Mikel Landa (Bahrain-Victorious): *that's* !@#damn right, haters, despite the fact that it took him months to recover from his !@#$ crash in the Giro caused by another rider entirely whanging head-on into a miserably-tagged piece of gigantic road furniture, and though he's currently limiting his aspirations to maybe a stage win and possibly theoretically but no guarantees potential run at the !@#-end of the podium, our humble boy is fresh off an overall win (yes, though not a stage win, stuff it!) at the mountainous Vuelta a Burgos and eager to save his Grand Tour season.  More, he's surrounded by a smashingly strong team, including Giro high-passes revelation Jan Tratnik, who's shown he will stick it out on the most vicious gradients if it means actually physically vomiting out his entire internal organ stockpile to get there, and scrappy fellow Burgos podium finisher and mountains-classifications champ Mark Padun.  Ever-carrot, helluva climber, no longer being openly slagged by some scumwadly former team manager--what more could anyone want?

Primoz Roglic: he's the defending Vuelta champion, he's hot off a ripping Olympics, looked great at the Tour before his premature take-out-by-whole-body-road-rash and bone-busting, and, somehow, the Jumbo murder hornets have managed to convince Sepp Kuss--who managed to take a two-week holiday by the seaside while simultaneously waiting for Roglic up the road during their last Grand Tour outing together--to once again superdomestique him instead of going off on his own for good.  And, frankly, that jailbait human rocket-motor Pogacar isn't here to smoke him.  On the other hand, he won't have that jailbait human rocket-motor Pogacar to pace himself against, so with this brutal a Vuelta, even he'll have to take care.  Best of all--or worst, if you're rooting for Mikel--anything he loses in the mountains, which I can't anticipate would be really all that much, our new Olympic time trial champ stands to gain back and more against the munchkin specialist climbers in the final day's 30k+ crono.  Don't get smug though Rogla--Mikel says he's been hitting the time trial bike, hopefully not literally with a hammer!

Egan Bernal/Richard Carapaz/Adam Yates: sure, Carapaz podiumed at the Tour and won the Olympic gold medal, but he did accidentally spray-paint his new rig a coppery orange.  And Bernal was the surprise winner of the Giro, but really, who the hell knows how his twitchy back'll hold up?  As for Yates, with his Valverde-esque tendencies towards spectacular one-day meltdowns, I think he's more likely to be a redemption story than a truly consistent threat for the top step.  Besides, who knows better how to eat their own young than Skineos, who have lately bizarrely begun to channel the peloton's traditional self-destructo champs over at Movistar?

Hugh Carthy: First, how boss is it that EF just signed Chavito?  Anyhow, he was third last year, and no matter how !@#$ed up 2020 was in every way, in *any* year that takes some serious intestinal fortitude.  We'll see if he can pull it off again!

Alejandro Valverde/Enric Mas/Miguel Angel Lopez: yes, he's just recently begun to ride like an aging rider of, say, 28.  But still, I can't count out Bala for a podium, if only because he had a coupla pretty impressive rides at the Tour de France, I don't think Mas and Lopez can fend him off for the long haul and, just as important, Alejandro is one wily s.o.b. who won't hesitate to kneecap his own teammates if he has to.  The guiltiest pleasure in the peloton.  Come on old man, just one more stage win to put the fear of God into the GC, and to drive everyone else bat!@#$ insane!   

2. Sprinters: seriously, it's the Vuelta, who gives a !@#$?  But there the sprinty stages are, as I suppose even in the Vuelta they have to be, and for my money--or at least my fruitless hopes--we're lookin' at a whoooooooole lot of ex-and-ever-Carrot Aranburu.  And dear Euskaltel's got Juanjo. Oh right, and Fabio Jakobsen has made a happily bangin' recovery from his terrible crash and already taken a win right off the bat on his recent return.  Matthews and Demare--you're dandy, but one can't help but root for Fabio this round!    

3. Stage Hunters: last but not least, what's a non-overall contender, but helluva climber or daring breakaway artist, to do while the GC boys are marking each other every millimeter up every climb with their eye on the final podium?  Yep, they're going for stage wins, and by golly have we got some strong boys in this group. Luis Leon Sanchez, who at least is always up there putting on a show.  Both Izagirres.  Romain Bardet (I *know*, but he *just* cracked after a stage win at Burgos last week, an ill omen for the overall). Rafa Majka.  Last but not least, with Fabio Aru having just declared he's retiring from the peloton after the Vuelta, if he can't actually take a stage, he's certainly gonna at least flame out trying.  Aupa Ion and Gorka!

4. Teams: EUSKALTEL IS HERE EUSKALTEL IS HERE EUSKALTEL IS HERE! Sure, Movistar'll take the stupid team classification, but what does that matter against the glory, tenacity, and overall bitchinness of our beloved Euskaltel-Euskadi (or whatever they're calling it now like QuickStep)? And everyone worthwhile from Nieve to Landa to Aranburu who isn't technically on the team, was and is here anyway with someone else.  And oh! those impassioned Basque fans!  Aupa grande Carroooooooooooooooooots!

Well folks, let's get this final Grand Tour party of 2021 started.  So bring out your Euskaltel duds, get ready for an absolute orange mob scene on the climbs, and for heck's sake, in this bonkers heat between all the beer don't forget to hydrate! 

It's the Vuelta! It's the Vuelta! It's the Vuelta! Yer 2021 Vuelta a Espana in Preview: the Course!

 Yap, Tour, yap, Sagan, yap, Olympics, yap: we all know what's *really* important--it's almost time for the fabulous 2021 Vuelta a Espana! First order of business: *40 kilometers* of individual time trials?  What the !@#$ is *wrong* with you people?  If I wanted to see the !@#$in' Tour de France again, I'd garb myself in a neon Borat mankini and a stupid !@#$in' Viking hat, pound back a !@#$load of cheap Champagne, and run screaming by the side of the road at Filippo Ganna fer chrissakes!  Okay, deep breath, because other'n that, it's actually a very fine course.  So what've we got, besides (but also including) serious pain?  This!

Week One(ish): we start off in Burgos by only minimally (we hope) screwing over Mikel Landa with a 7.1 k, hill-in-the-first-third course.  Just stay upright just stay upright just stay upright!  Having handed out the first leader's jersey, stage 2 is a 166k really darn flat stage to appease the sprinters before they run crying home to mama.  But not for long--the Vuelta brings on the hurt early with the race's first mountaintop finish on Stage 3, quite mild beforehand til you hit the Cat 1 finale up the nippy 17% gradients of Picon Blanco.  Free Landa!  Stage 4: flat again.  Ok, that's enough, we done coddling the sprinters already?  Sadly, no--but the pan-flat Stage 5 *does* bring the prospect of catastrophic, GC-hosing crosswinds.  Don't !@#$ this up, Bahrain-Victorious!  Stage 6:  oh thank heavens! We hit the hills, if not the high mountains, on a weird 158k breakaway (?) fest with an unruly start, an utterly flat middle, then a 1.5k climb to the end to confound the climbers, nut-kick the sprinters, and favor the puncheurs with a solid final kick.  With that having messed with everyone's heads, a 152k Stage 7 sandwiches a quartet of Cat 2 and Cat 3 climbs between a Cat 1 opener to immediately !@#$ up yer cold legs and, because this is the Vuelta, a Cat 1 finish up Balcon de Alicante with nonetheless a mostly single-digit gradient except that little section at 14% halfway up.  Wait, *when's* the last time I can grab a bidon?  Stage 8: we haven't forgotten you, sprinters, though I hope we do soon--here's a chill 173k to enjoy with a perfectly flat finale. But don't get complacent: for Stage 9, you got 4,500 meters o' suffering crammed mostly into the second half,  including the 29 kilometer, Cat 1 Alto Collado Venta Luisa, and ending with another mountaintop finale--we love you so, dear Vuelta!--on the HC Alto de Velifique with pitches up to 13+ percent.  Kuss, you're here for Roglic, right? Anyway, time for a nap!

Week Two(ish): Stage 10--another tactically problematic stage, dead flat til 160k, then a 10k-long Cat 2 with a 15k plunge to Rincon de la Victoria.  Breakaway or GC, if you can't descend, get the hell outta the way so you don't kill anybody!  On Stage 11: for anyone not covered in bandages we have a theoretically mild day with a Cat 2 climb near the end--at least til you hit the final kilometer, when you ease into your evening with a gradient of 20%. Whose lovely, twisted, sick idea was that? Stage 12 to Cordoba doesn't give you much of a rest by non-Vuelta standards, unfortunately, with a Cat 2 and Cat 3 preceding a presumptively sprint finale.  This is what you freaks call 'flat'? Stage 13: Ha ha, just kidding--if you've got any legs left, and haven't already left the country in a sobbing jelly-legged mess, here's an *actual* flat stage--but you'll have to schlep 200k to get the victory, sucker! Stage 14: back to the mountain goats, with a mellow start, a Cat 3 midway to wake the GC teams outta their stupor, then down to business with the short sharp 2.8k Cat 1 Alto Collado Ballesteros and its midpoint *and* ending of 20%, and, because you haven't built up enough lactic acid, a 15k but much gentler grind up to Pico Villuercas.  But no rest for the weary: Stage 15 gives you 197k with a rather stomach-churning Cat 1, Cat 2, Cat 1, *then* Cat 3 rollercoaster, *then* a descent and a sprint for the line, with a slight chance of total carnage on GC.  All right, *now* you can rest--if there were ever a time for that marginal gains fluffy-pillow bull!@#$, today is *it*!  

Week 3ish: But if you're still in pain, never fear: Stage 16 is for the two remaining sprinters, with a midway Cat-3 teaser then just a few little lumps til the flat final k to Santa Cruz de Bezana.  Cav, you *sure* you didn't want to be here for this?  I thought not!  Stage 17: a *circuit* with *mountains* in it? What new fresh hell is *this*?  Well quit cryin', cause after you hit the 14% max gradients Cat 1 Collada de Llomena twice, you *still* get the thrill of the iconic climb of the vicious and potentially podium-making Lagos de Covadonga.  Bahrain, *now* is the time to start setting the pace and spitting out the weaklings for the jackals to handle!  Which brings us to the 150k of downright agony--and the last chance before the stupid time trial to cement your place on GC, so Mikel, you better drop Rogla and heck even Carapaz--on Stage 18, including a coupla snoozy little Cat 1s, a smooth 35k or so to lull you into complaceny, a Cat 2 to snap you outta it, and then, a thrilling new Holy Crap climb to Altu d'el Gamonitieuru, 14.6 k of steady 10% then a 17% absolute crawl to the finish.  For those of you on the juice, *this* is where you pretend to collapse on the tarmac in pain.  Bonus points for hurling on the cameras!  Stage 19: last chance for the breakaway, as we go from a bumpy start in Tapia to a heavenly flattish final 10k to Monforte de Lemos.  Didjer domestiques get a chance to shake the ol' calves out?  Good, because the race organizers thought it'd be a great idea to insert a Classics stage for #20, with nary a rest after the first half and not a single cobble to blame your crap performance on.  Belgians, are there any of you left? Finally, no ceremonial Champagne-swilling photo-op bull!@#$ to meander to the end in *this* Grand Tour--yep, we absolutely blast apart the hard-won climber's GC with a Rogla-friendly 33k final time trial, with nice big hills and dips to screw their rhythm and enough technical terrain to--oh, I can't even think it, *please* say you've been training on that idiot aero machine Mikel!  Anyhoo--race organizers, despite the overall bitchin'ness of this course, I hope *not* to see this last-day ridiculousness again next year!

Oh, and did I mention there's no more "Vuelta in November" bull!@#$, and you're gonna be boiling like lobsters (but without even the benefit of water) this year? Astana, get those cooling vests ready--and everyone else, just try not to dehydrate into a pile of ashes!  Next up: the Contenders!