Holy crap, it's *one* day left til the glorious Vuelta, and before they all melt into the tarmac only to be rediscovered perfectly preserved10 million years from now like those dinosaurs trapped in the La Brea Tar Pits, let's talk about who's in contention, shall we? And no, Pogacar's *not* riding, so he *doesn't* already have this race all locked up (though he's still arguably a threat)! Anyhow, your contenders:
1. General Classification:
Mikel Landa (Bahrain-Victorious): *that's* !@#damn right, haters, despite the fact that it took him months to recover from his !@#$ crash in the Giro caused by another rider entirely whanging head-on into a miserably-tagged piece of gigantic road furniture, and though he's currently limiting his aspirations to maybe a stage win and possibly theoretically but no guarantees potential run at the !@#-end of the podium, our humble boy is fresh off an overall win (yes, though not a stage win, stuff it!) at the mountainous Vuelta a Burgos and eager to save his Grand Tour season. More, he's surrounded by a smashingly strong team, including Giro high-passes revelation Jan Tratnik, who's shown he will stick it out on the most vicious gradients if it means actually physically vomiting out his entire internal organ stockpile to get there, and scrappy fellow Burgos podium finisher and mountains-classifications champ Mark Padun. Ever-carrot, helluva climber, no longer being openly slagged by some scumwadly former team manager--what more could anyone want?
Primoz Roglic: he's the defending Vuelta champion, he's hot off a ripping Olympics, looked great at the Tour before his premature take-out-by-whole-body-road-rash and bone-busting, and, somehow, the Jumbo murder hornets have managed to convince Sepp Kuss--who managed to take a two-week holiday by the seaside while simultaneously waiting for Roglic up the road during their last Grand Tour outing together--to once again superdomestique him instead of going off on his own for good. And, frankly, that jailbait human rocket-motor Pogacar isn't here to smoke him. On the other hand, he won't have that jailbait human rocket-motor Pogacar to pace himself against, so with this brutal a Vuelta, even he'll have to take care. Best of all--or worst, if you're rooting for Mikel--anything he loses in the mountains, which I can't anticipate would be really all that much, our new Olympic time trial champ stands to gain back and more against the munchkin specialist climbers in the final day's 30k+ crono. Don't get smug though Rogla--Mikel says he's been hitting the time trial bike, hopefully not literally with a hammer!
Egan Bernal/Richard Carapaz/Adam Yates: sure, Carapaz podiumed at the Tour and won the Olympic gold medal, but he did accidentally spray-paint his new rig a coppery orange. And Bernal was the surprise winner of the Giro, but really, who the hell knows how his twitchy back'll hold up? As for Yates, with his Valverde-esque tendencies towards spectacular one-day meltdowns, I think he's more likely to be a redemption story than a truly consistent threat for the top step. Besides, who knows better how to eat their own young than Skineos, who have lately bizarrely begun to channel the peloton's traditional self-destructo champs over at Movistar?
Hugh Carthy: First, how boss is it that EF just signed Chavito? Anyhow, he was third last year, and no matter how !@#$ed up 2020 was in every way, in *any* year that takes some serious intestinal fortitude. We'll see if he can pull it off again!
Alejandro Valverde/Enric Mas/Miguel Angel Lopez: yes, he's just recently begun to ride like an aging rider of, say, 28. But still, I can't count out Bala for a podium, if only because he had a coupla pretty impressive rides at the Tour de France, I don't think Mas and Lopez can fend him off for the long haul and, just as important, Alejandro is one wily s.o.b. who won't hesitate to kneecap his own teammates if he has to. The guiltiest pleasure in the peloton. Come on old man, just one more stage win to put the fear of God into the GC, and to drive everyone else bat!@#$ insane!
2. Sprinters: seriously, it's the Vuelta, who gives a !@#$? But there the sprinty stages are, as I suppose even in the Vuelta they have to be, and for my money--or at least my fruitless hopes--we're lookin' at a whoooooooole lot of ex-and-ever-Carrot Aranburu. And dear Euskaltel's got Juanjo. Oh right, and Fabio Jakobsen has made a happily bangin' recovery from his terrible crash and already taken a win right off the bat on his recent return. Matthews and Demare--you're dandy, but one can't help but root for Fabio this round!
3. Stage Hunters: last but not least, what's a non-overall contender, but helluva climber or daring breakaway artist, to do while the GC boys are marking each other every millimeter up every climb with their eye on the final podium? Yep, they're going for stage wins, and by golly have we got some strong boys in this group. Luis Leon Sanchez, who at least is always up there putting on a show. Both Izagirres. Romain Bardet (I *know*, but he *just* cracked after a stage win at Burgos last week, an ill omen for the overall). Rafa Majka. Last but not least, with Fabio Aru having just declared he's retiring from the peloton after the Vuelta, if he can't actually take a stage, he's certainly gonna at least flame out trying. Aupa Ion and Gorka!
4. Teams: EUSKALTEL IS HERE EUSKALTEL IS HERE EUSKALTEL IS HERE! Sure, Movistar'll take the stupid team classification, but what does that matter against the glory, tenacity, and overall bitchinness of our beloved Euskaltel-Euskadi (or whatever they're calling it now like QuickStep)? And everyone worthwhile from Nieve to Landa to Aranburu who isn't technically on the team, was and is here anyway with someone else. And oh! those impassioned Basque fans! Aupa grande Carroooooooooooooooooots!
Well folks, let's get this final Grand Tour party of 2021 started. So bring out your Euskaltel duds, get ready for an absolute orange mob scene on the climbs, and for heck's sake, in this bonkers heat between all the beer don't forget to hydrate!
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