It's Yer Giro d'Italia Rest Day Due Roundup!

 Okay, it's still a little weird that it's actually the second rest day already after just Stage 9, but Giro's gotta make money having other countries host the gig no matter how inconvenient for the riders, so here we are.  So what did we learn this fateful first week, (both) my faithful readers?  Let's review!

1. You did *not* see Yates winning that opening time trial.  I mean, you thought he'd do well, but be honest--not that well!

2. You did *so* see Yates cracking.  Not because of his knee, though that is what happened this time--but like clockwork, he'll do it at least once every Grand Tour anyway.  Heal up soon--and props to him for being determined to at least start tomorrow to honor the race!

3. Tom Dumoulin.  Frankly, I still don't see how a guy with his build can possibly ever have won a race as cruelly (and beautifully) mountainous as the Giro.  And seeing him just gutted after his time trial third place--which for almost anyone else would be a career highlight--really sucked.  But the way he worked like a dog then celebrated wholeheartedly for his young teammate and virgin Grand Tour stage-winner teammate Koen Bouwman was genuinely a thing of generosity.  You could do worse than the proud owner of the Trofeo Senza Fine for a worker bee, buddy!

4. Thomas De Gendt.  Like you weren't screaming your damn head off willing him to take that stage?  Own it, Pinocchio, you were so either!

5. Biniam Grmay.  Okay, he dithered around with van der Poel when he could've bridged up to the break just before the line, and misjudged a coupla sprints.  He *just* won Ghent-Wevelgem for !@#&'s sake--can we give him 10 minutes to get adjusted to the Giro before we vilify the poor kid when we all *know* it's just a matter of time?  Jaysus!

6.  Juanpe Lopez.  Dang, calling nature breaks for the entire peloton already? That kid's learned to wield the power of the maglia rosa pretty quick!  

7. Don't even say it.  Don't even say it.  I don't want to curse him. Mikel cra--entirely voluntarily chose to caress the glass-smooth surface of the brand-new tarmac *twice* yesterday.  Plus, he sorta owned up to being mildly dented, which stands to reason when you hurtle at said tarmac at like 70 kph.  Tratnik's out. Pello's scraped up pretty good. But Mikel *did* stick with Hindley Bardet and Carapaz the whole way up--and even attacked, woot!--the Blockhaus climb nonetheless.  Mikel, heal up fast--we believe!  And Bahrain, get your !@#$ back together and protect this boy.  Landismoooooooooooooooooo!

8. Y'know, I really like and admire Richie Porte.  But watching Carapaz's relentless blue train crushing the rest of the GC as their own high-quality helpers dropped off in exhaustion gave me instinctively creepy Discovery-Postal throwback vibes.  Plus, they're working for Carapaz, who is the nails-on-the-blackboard, hovering-mosquito, punk-!@# Landa backstabber in my ear.  Argh!

9. I am still trying to get my head around the dance portion of the Giro opening ceremony, though as i adore the Giro without reservation and in every way possible, it's clearly my fault for being a low-rent, cultureless American clod.  But--ah, forget it, it's clearly my fault!

10. Cav is !@#$ed without Morkov, which means he'll prove me wrong, take all the remaining sprint stages, and wear the points jersey on the final podium in Verona. Oh well Caleb--if you can avoid being spit out the back tomorrow, there's theoretically a chance the break'll choke and you'll come back and take your win!

11. Bauke Mollema.  You've still got plenty of time.  But we're waiting!

All right, that's the first week down.  Next up--well, it basically only *does* go up from here.  Aupa Mikeeeeeeeeeel!      

It's the Giro It's the Giro It's the Giro! In Preview, Part Tre: The Stage Hunters!

 We got the course, we got the GC contenders--but who's gonna be out there hunting for less grandiose but still eternal glory?  Yes, they overlap considerably with the bandied-about names for GC, mainly because I think it's bull!@#$ to expect some of those favorites to really be called GC contenders at all.  So besides Bardet and Dumo--all of whom should be left the hell alone pending the very fine results I do think they'll get--who else is on the prowl?  For my money (and fortunately I'm too (1) gutless and (2) cheap to put *actual* money behind this), these guys!

Pello Bilbao.  Look, I am incredibly reluctant to suggest anything that could remotely screw Mikel Landa over.  And I absolutely will not do that here.  But if *after* Mikel's GC is secured (okay, *I* won't feel secure til I see 'im on the top step in Milan), he's got time in the bank to let anyone off the leash as a reward, it would be nice if it were Pello, who has been absolutely smoking in shorter stage races so far this season.  And of course Pello, Mikel *just* helped you out, so surely you won't mind having to wait a few stages at the Corsa Rosa for your reward for your presumptively invaluable support.  You go Pello--after Mikel though!

Biniam Grmay.  C'mon, the guy just triumphed at Ghent-Wevelgem.  And now, he's got an entire country--and a good half of everyone else on the planet--freaking out rooting for him here.  He's got the confidence, the skill, and the tenacity.  Forza Biniam!

Bauke Mollema: we already love him for his (1) amazing breakaway prowess; (2) incredible strength; and (3) highly enjoyable lack of an edit function with the press.  It may take him a few cracks, and a bazillion kilometers convincing his compatriots to put their heads down and not give up on the break, but I think it's darn near written in stone.  Bauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuke!

Lorenzo Fortunato: he captured the mighty Zoncolan while his rivals weaved (wove?) in agony behind him, and frankly, a guy could do worse than having umpteen-Giro winners Alberto Contador and Ivan Basso around to give you advice and encouragement.  He's got Gavazzi with him too, who will have his own goals but is surely generous enough to help.  Seriously hoping he can pull this off again to shut down anyone thinking he's a one-hit wonder.  We'll find out!

Wilco Keldermann: I know, he's a GC contender, I *know*.  But I don't think he is, here, this year.  Don't mind if he proves me wrong though!

Like Half of EF: they may not be in GC contention this year, but dang, EF has got a heavy-duty squad.  You got Magnus Cort Nielsen with the pornstache, Hugh Carthy, Odd Christian Eiking who held the red jersey at last year's Vuelta for about a week, Merhawi Kudus--no way they're heading home without a bagful of Lupo Wolfie dolls!

Esteban Chaves: besides the fact that he's just adorable as a koala, he's a freakin' perfect climber, he's done this before, and his form, after a disconcerting stalemate, is looking up.  Anyhoo, he'll certainly try, whether or not he blows up afterwards.  Oh Chavito, no matter what happens, we all love you!

Lilian Calmejane.  Right, it's his teammate Vendrame who actually took a Giro stage win, but Calmejane always seems to be up there this year.  Gotta pay off sometime!

Mikel Nieve: what the !@#$ do you *mean* he's not here?!   What were you thinking letting him go Trek-Segafredo?!

Sprinters: yes, I'm lumping them all together because this is the Giro d'Italia, not the damn Tour de France.  To me, this is all Caleb Ewen's show, though with Morkov's incredible synchronicity with Cav, it's hard to imagine Cav won't bag at least one stage as well.  Or however many it takes for Lefevere not to totally also-ran him for the Tour.  Right, and Demare's there too.  Well, that about covers all the Giro sprints...

All right, I'm sure I missed about 15 guys who'll win, because if anything is certain about the Giro d'Italia, it's total chaos.  Buona fortuna gentlemen--now let's get this hot-pink show (literally) on the road!

It's the Giro It's the Giro It's the Giro! In Preview, Part Due: the Contenders!

 Yes, the team presentation's been held, the inexplicable yet compelling modern dance routines are still digesting, we love Bauke Mollema's railed against the stupidity of starting in Hungary and the ill-planned travel slogs on purported rest days, Mikel Landa hasn't--nope, not gonna curse 'im--and it's time to get down to business!  Rogla's out.  Pogacar's out.  And of course, Bernal is still recovering, rather miraculously at that.  So who are our GC contenders, and what are their likely chances of success?  Let's get to it!

Mikel Landa (Bahrain-Merida): shut up haters.  The last few months we've seen what we frankly haven't seen for ages, which is Happy Mikel, as opposed to the let's be honest our usual Damn Near Funereal Mikel, and I'm gonna run with it.  He's won stages.  He's podiumed.  He's a fluid, beautiful climber when the legs feel right.  And this year's course, with its merciful lack of time trial kilometers (the Carrot's nemesis), is just *made* for him.  Add to that his heck of a team, including the brilliant also-Carrot Pello Bilbao, and if Pello keeps his job in mind and doesn't !@#$ Mikel over--I love you Pello, but you hear me !@#dammit?!--and the rest of him surround him like scrawny but effective pillows and keep some nimrod from knocking him over,  it can be gold.  I can feel it.  Landismo, beeyotches!

Richard Carapaz (Ineos): first, it's only fair to say that I'll be pissed atCarapaz til the end of time for backstabbing Mikel Landa at Movistar.  That said, he's a very capable wee thing, has the ever-annoying Ineos around him, and possesses just the sort of ruthlessness that gets you on or near the top of the podium.  Fine, take the maglia rosa for the first couple mountain stages--after that, prepare to give it up to your superior!

Romain Bardet (DSM): look, we all love him.  Especially after he so concernedly barged down a ditch to make sure Julian Alaphilippe was okay.  But just--back off.  Give the guy some space. We all know how the pressure on the next Great French Grand Tour Hope always goes.  A stage win and a Top Five will do nicely, thank you! 

Alejandro Valverde and Ivan Sosa (Movistar): Okay, technically now Movistar's dropped its disastrous multi-leader eating-their-own-young strategy of the past and at least dropped down from a trident to a bident.  And Alejandro Valverde, consistent with the spirit that's made him so well-liked in the peloton despite a truly, um, astounding palmares and longevity, has openly blessed young Ivan Sosa as team leader.  But seriously, Bala bags his stage win and secures a high spot on GC with no end in sight, and he's not gonna accidentally lose his earpiece and drop Sosa like a UCI pee sample?  Please!  That said, because I have no soul, I can't help but darn near root for him.  Anyhoo, whatever he says now, there's always 2023! And 2024. And...

Nibali and Superman Lopez (Astana): okay, so Nibs is getting a little long in the tooth for Grand Tour purposes, even though he's hardly the oldest, but realistically, he's going for the Etna and/or Messina stages here.  So is Lopez, after his catastrophic drop-out Movistar snit at the 2021 Vuelta, happy enough with Astana or at least appropriately terrified enough of Alexandre Vinokourov to hold it together to the line?  Frankly, without Izagirres to help him, I'm a bit skeptical.  But on form, he sure is fun to watch!

Simon Yates (Bike Exchange): yes, he podiumed last year, and he's the presumed favorite.   And whoa moly, did he just *kill* the field at the Vuelta a Asturias. But I don't know--he's got an almost Valverdian capacity for single-stage meltdowns that always seem to kill his chances.  Better to take this day-by-day I think!

Tom Dumoulin (Jumbo): you know his palmares.  And it's delightful to see him happy on the bike again after experiencing such severe burn-out and rightly taking the time to see if he wanted to come back at all.  He sure seemed upbeat at the team presentation yesterday, right?  Still, I hold my conviction that this guy was never built for the high passes of the Giro in the first place, and apparently there is some pressure over his future at Jumbo dependent on his performance here, if only pressure on his upcoming paychecks.  Let's get Dumo back to his time trialing roots and just enjoy anything else as a bonus, shall we?

Joao Almeida (UAE): he's still very young, after all, although in today's jailbait-genius peloton, that's not perhaps a barrier.  And his 2021 Giro wasn't his best.  But he is on fire this season.  I guess you can podium, kid--as long as you're gracious to the guy on the top step ahead of you!      

 All right, them's mine--but of course there's only really one.  Aupa Mikeeeeeeeeeeeeeel!

It's the Giro It's the Giro It's the Giro! In Preview, Part Uno: The Course!

 Okay, both my faithful readers: I've been slacking off on the blog for a while due to my regrettable lack of an inherited fortune and the resulting unjust need to earn a living through "work", but it *is* the fabulous Giro d'Italia, so dammit, game *on*!  So what to expect from the famed Corsa Rosa, besides some bull!@#$ piece of crap-marked road furniture that no inattentive !@#$wit better slam into and screw we love Mikel Landa over, *again*?  This!

Week One: we start off this year in beautiful Hungary, home of the *best* *dog* *ever*, the Puli.  How do you say "arf" in Hungarian?  Anyway, Stage 1: we begin with a mild flat-with-a-tiny-nip-at-the-end, where all the GC has to do is (1) not let anyone dangerous get into the breakway and (2) not !@#$ing crash.  You hear me, Mikel?  Stage 2: yeah, it's a time trial, but at 9.2k, it is mercifully--for certain non-specialists who shall remain nameless because why ought they be faulted for not being ideally built for this freak discipline?--short.  All the GC has to do is (1) not !@#$ing crash.  You hear me, Mikel?  This entire Giro route is *made* for you--don't break my heart here! Stage 3: we wind up our three-day foreign sojourn with a 201k sprint stage with a wee downhill dip to the line.  Cav, just get it over with, you already crushed my soul busting we love Andre Greipel's record at the stupid Tour!  All anyone on GC and in Bahrain-Merida needs to do is keep Mikel on the right end of any cross winds.  You hear me, guys?  Stage 4: without further ado, oh yeah--welcome to the mountains, beeyotches! It's the holy Cat 1 climb to Mt. Etna, but you'll have to schlep about 170k to get there.  Welcome to Sicilia--Shark territory for you Nibali fans!  Stage 5 runs from Catania to Messina, so if Nibs didn't grab the stage yesterday, you can bet he's gonna catch a to--uh, go all out for this one!  Stage 6: an early climb, a little bump at about 133k, then flat to the line.  Can we get back to the mountains already?  Why yes, on Stage 7 we actually do--not a killer, but a Cat 3 warmup, the Cat 1 Monte Sirino about 90k in, a (pretty darn intimidating) Cat 2, a Cat 3, and an upward hike to the line.  Don't knock yourself out unduly, Mikel--but don't take your eyes off your competitors, either!

Week Two: Benvenuto a the hilly, twisty Stage 8, which drags you 4 times around a circuit with a pretty ouchy 14% gradient before spitting you out by a long downhill to the flat, last 3k.  Sounds great, right? Sure--because that roundabout you're all about to smack into is safely in the last kilometer, so if you can get back up, your time on GC is unharmed!  Stage 9: no bull!@#$, this is the fearsome stage to Blockhaus, teasing you with a Cat 2 and Cat 3 startup before the Cat 1 climb to Passo Lanciano at 140-oddk in, with a nice descent before an utterly sadistic Cat 1 finale, with gradients of up to--aw, why worry Cav so early, he can make it there eventually!  Bahrain-Merida--pay attention, and keep our boy *out* of trouble from weaving competitors, idiot fans with banners, flags, selfie sticks, children, or dogs, or the slightest imperfection in the pavement.  Aupa Mikel, and thank god for rest days!  Stage 10 sucks you in with a paper-flat first half, then yanks you up and down the rest of the way like one of those rubber balls stapled to an elastic attached to a wooden paddle that you always bonked your head with when you were a whippersnapper.  What new fresh hell is this?  If your body hasn't just completely shut down in confusion, Stage 11 is the Reggio Emilia Parmigiano Reggiano stage, with presumably the single best stage prize in all cycling, so you hungry sprinters, now's your chance!  Stage 12 is a long but relatively mild Cat-3-full day til a dip then a slight rise to the line.  Okay, who else is itchy for the massive climbs again? Well, you'll have to wait, because it's a surprisingly un-excruciating hike to delightful Cuneo.  But don't get too comfortable: Stage 14 is a short, snappy, and sneakily hilly jaunt to Torino.  Dammit Giro stop teasing me here!

Week 3: luckily for the sprinters, most of 'em have already gone sniveling home: Stage 15 is a straight-on pain cave around Val d'Aosta, with three big freakin' climbs after that and a flattish-after-a-painful-uphill finish to Cogne. Bahrain-Merida, *keep* Mikel outta trouble on that short cobble section, it's 4k out so if he--I won't say the word to avoid cursing him--anyway, he's !@#$ed! Next up: your last rest day, so get yerself a nice chill training ride and a long massage in, because you poor kids are gonna need it for queen-stage 16, a leg-masher up the fabled Mortirolo, a daring descent, then the final ascent up the Valico Santa Cristina then a downhill rush on technical roads before a mildly uphill finish at Aprica.  Thank God it's the Wine Stage, we're gonna need it!  Stage 17: you might wish it were easier on those tired legs, but it's not by much, with a climb up the Passo del Tonale *right* out the start, *then* the Cat 1 Passo del Vetriolo at 134k, *then*--hey, *I* didn't design it, don't come cryin' to me--another Cat 1 climb at 160k before an unkindly hilly last few k before the final drop to Lavarone.  But you've still got opportunities for GC, if you haven't blown it too badly up til now!  Stage 18: it's literally almost all downhill from here to Treviso, so fast-men, enjoy your last chance for glory--if you get by the final turn at 1.2k out in one piece!  Stage 19: not the worst but for sure not the easiest mountain stage, with a side slide over into Slovenia, a coupla Cat 2 and 3s, a steep Cat 1 hike to Kolovrat, then, after a lumpy downhill, the final climb to Santuario di Castelmonte.  GC, if you've got time to make up, now's a nice chance!  Of course, it all can go utterly to hell on Stage 20, as our wily Giro saves its best for near-last with a Cat 1 weeper up the Passo San Pelligrino at 81k, the beloved Passo Pordoi at 123k--and geez, can you see *that* puppy looming from a long ways off as you approach--and, finally, Passo Fedaia, home of some of the steepest gradients in Italy and some of the most truly bull!@#$ performances I've ever seen anywhere.  Bahrain-Merida, save some matches to burn for the final climb, and *don't* let our wee boy get isolated--but Mikel, you've got this!  GC in hand--we hope, we *really*, *really* hope you've got some cushion coming in here--we finish off the 2022 edition on Stage 21 not with leisurely Prosecco toasts and across-the-tarmac photo ops with your proud teammates, but with a brief and hopefully not too devastating 17k time trial with a tough little hill bang in the middle to !@#$ with your pace.  Just be cool waiting for your turn, and don't get psyched out by your nearest GC threat Mikel!

Well folks, that's yer 2022 Corsa Rosa--next up, the GC contenders, and yes, I will graciously evaluate the other ones.  Dang, we haven't even started yet and I need a Spritz!