Okay, both my faithful readers: I've been slacking off on the blog for a while due to my regrettable lack of an inherited fortune and the resulting unjust need to earn a living through "work", but it *is* the fabulous Giro d'Italia, so dammit, game *on*! So what to expect from the famed Corsa Rosa, besides some bull!@#$ piece of crap-marked road furniture that no inattentive !@#$wit better slam into and screw we love Mikel Landa over, *again*? This!
Week One: we start off this year in beautiful Hungary, home of the *best* *dog* *ever*, the Puli. How do you say "arf" in Hungarian? Anyway, Stage 1: we begin with a mild flat-with-a-tiny-nip-at-the-end, where all the GC has to do is (1) not let anyone dangerous get into the breakway and (2) not !@#$ing crash. You hear me, Mikel? Stage 2: yeah, it's a time trial, but at 9.2k, it is mercifully--for certain non-specialists who shall remain nameless because why ought they be faulted for not being ideally built for this freak discipline?--short. All the GC has to do is (1) not !@#$ing crash. You hear me, Mikel? This entire Giro route is *made* for you--don't break my heart here! Stage 3: we wind up our three-day foreign sojourn with a 201k sprint stage with a wee downhill dip to the line. Cav, just get it over with, you already crushed my soul busting we love Andre Greipel's record at the stupid Tour! All anyone on GC and in Bahrain-Merida needs to do is keep Mikel on the right end of any cross winds. You hear me, guys? Stage 4: without further ado, oh yeah--welcome to the mountains, beeyotches! It's the holy Cat 1 climb to Mt. Etna, but you'll have to schlep about 170k to get there. Welcome to Sicilia--Shark territory for you Nibali fans! Stage 5 runs from Catania to Messina, so if Nibs didn't grab the stage yesterday, you can bet he's gonna catch a to--uh, go all out for this one! Stage 6: an early climb, a little bump at about 133k, then flat to the line. Can we get back to the mountains already? Why yes, on Stage 7 we actually do--not a killer, but a Cat 3 warmup, the Cat 1 Monte Sirino about 90k in, a (pretty darn intimidating) Cat 2, a Cat 3, and an upward hike to the line. Don't knock yourself out unduly, Mikel--but don't take your eyes off your competitors, either!
Week Two: Benvenuto a the hilly, twisty Stage 8, which drags you 4 times around a circuit with a pretty ouchy 14% gradient before spitting you out by a long downhill to the flat, last 3k. Sounds great, right? Sure--because that roundabout you're all about to smack into is safely in the last kilometer, so if you can get back up, your time on GC is unharmed! Stage 9: no bull!@#$, this is the fearsome stage to Blockhaus, teasing you with a Cat 2 and Cat 3 startup before the Cat 1 climb to Passo Lanciano at 140-oddk in, with a nice descent before an utterly sadistic Cat 1 finale, with gradients of up to--aw, why worry Cav so early, he can make it there eventually! Bahrain-Merida--pay attention, and keep our boy *out* of trouble from weaving competitors, idiot fans with banners, flags, selfie sticks, children, or dogs, or the slightest imperfection in the pavement. Aupa Mikel, and thank god for rest days! Stage 10 sucks you in with a paper-flat first half, then yanks you up and down the rest of the way like one of those rubber balls stapled to an elastic attached to a wooden paddle that you always bonked your head with when you were a whippersnapper. What new fresh hell is this? If your body hasn't just completely shut down in confusion, Stage 11 is the Reggio Emilia Parmigiano Reggiano stage, with presumably the single best stage prize in all cycling, so you hungry sprinters, now's your chance! Stage 12 is a long but relatively mild Cat-3-full day til a dip then a slight rise to the line. Okay, who else is itchy for the massive climbs again? Well, you'll have to wait, because it's a surprisingly un-excruciating hike to delightful Cuneo. But don't get too comfortable: Stage 14 is a short, snappy, and sneakily hilly jaunt to Torino. Dammit Giro stop teasing me here!
Week 3: luckily for the sprinters, most of 'em have already gone sniveling home: Stage 15 is a straight-on pain cave around Val d'Aosta, with three big freakin' climbs after that and a flattish-after-a-painful-uphill finish to Cogne. Bahrain-Merida, *keep* Mikel outta trouble on that short cobble section, it's 4k out so if he--I won't say the word to avoid cursing him--anyway, he's !@#$ed! Next up: your last rest day, so get yerself a nice chill training ride and a long massage in, because you poor kids are gonna need it for queen-stage 16, a leg-masher up the fabled Mortirolo, a daring descent, then the final ascent up the Valico Santa Cristina then a downhill rush on technical roads before a mildly uphill finish at Aprica. Thank God it's the Wine Stage, we're gonna need it! Stage 17: you might wish it were easier on those tired legs, but it's not by much, with a climb up the Passo del Tonale *right* out the start, *then* the Cat 1 Passo del Vetriolo at 134k, *then*--hey, *I* didn't design it, don't come cryin' to me--another Cat 1 climb at 160k before an unkindly hilly last few k before the final drop to Lavarone. But you've still got opportunities for GC, if you haven't blown it too badly up til now! Stage 18: it's literally almost all downhill from here to Treviso, so fast-men, enjoy your last chance for glory--if you get by the final turn at 1.2k out in one piece! Stage 19: not the worst but for sure not the easiest mountain stage, with a side slide over into Slovenia, a coupla Cat 2 and 3s, a steep Cat 1 hike to Kolovrat, then, after a lumpy downhill, the final climb to Santuario di Castelmonte. GC, if you've got time to make up, now's a nice chance! Of course, it all can go utterly to hell on Stage 20, as our wily Giro saves its best for near-last with a Cat 1 weeper up the Passo San Pelligrino at 81k, the beloved Passo Pordoi at 123k--and geez, can you see *that* puppy looming from a long ways off as you approach--and, finally, Passo Fedaia, home of some of the steepest gradients in Italy and some of the most truly bull!@#$ performances I've ever seen anywhere. Bahrain-Merida, save some matches to burn for the final climb, and *don't* let our wee boy get isolated--but Mikel, you've got this! GC in hand--we hope, we *really*, *really* hope you've got some cushion coming in here--we finish off the 2022 edition on Stage 21 not with leisurely Prosecco toasts and across-the-tarmac photo ops with your proud teammates, but with a brief and hopefully not too devastating 17k time trial with a tough little hill bang in the middle to !@#$ with your pace. Just be cool waiting for your turn, and don't get psyched out by your nearest GC threat Mikel!
Well folks, that's yer 2022 Corsa Rosa--next up, the GC contenders, and yes, I will graciously evaluate the other ones. Dang, we haven't even started yet and I need a Spritz!
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