It's Yer Giro d'Italia in Preview, Part Due--the GC Contenders! #Giro

All right, we know where they're going--but who's gonna get there, and who's gonna challenge for overall victory? There's only one who can stand on the top step in Torino--and it's likely to be one of these guys!

Vincenzo Nibali (Astana): look, he may've threatened to bail on the race entirely if they pulled any of this "extreme weather protocol"/cancel the mountain stages crap so wilting wussies don't freeze to death or even lose a digit or two to frostbite,the cowards--but "Lo Squalo" knows that with Vinokorouv handing the Tour to upstart Italian fave Fabio Aru, no matter how many Grand Tours he's won or how many sleetstorm's he's powered through to victory, the Giro d'Italia is the only game in town for him this year. So aside from the fact that he's the Italian's hometown favorite, what are his chances? Of whining and complaining every damn day--I'd say a clear 100%. Of winning? Barring disaster, he's my second fave odds-wise for the win, and let's face it, anyone who can pull off the Giro the Vuelta and the Tour, no matter who the hell crashed out before him and enraged him with the implication he mightn't've won 'em all otherwise, ain't stupid. He's also got quite a bangin' squad for a team boss aiming squarely at the Tour, including canny workhorse Michele Scarponi. Forza Nibs--but forza not quite as much as the next guy on the list!

Mikel Landa (Sky): first, shut he hell up, haters. I don't give a crap that he's on Sky and it's not his fault because it's only since no one took me up on my generous offer to crowd-fund Euskaltel that he ever had to switch teams at all and like his other squad was any better, so the fact that he's nested in a snarl of dope-stuffed smirking vipers has absolutely nothing to do with him and let me just enjoy it while it all lasts !@#dammit. And he needs this win, because if he's gonna kick that skeleton freak Froome off the mountainside for the Tour someday, he's gonna need a Giro under his belt to prove he can do it. Of course, the day he starts to time trial like we still miss so bite me Roberto Heras in his last year in the peloton is the day (1) he does show he can win a Grand Tour GC and (2) the narcs start stickin' him full of more needles than a pissed-off porcupine on a big dumb dog. As to his minimal race days and huge wonk of illnesses this season, well, it sure don't seem to be holding him back! Vai Mikeeeeeeeeeeeeel--and Froomey, if you have *any* appreciation for what you did to your own team captain just a few short seasons back, you'll have the sense to watch this race veeeeeeeery carefully!

Alejandro Valverde (Movistar): yeah, he creeps me out too. And if he doesn't creep *you* out, frankly, you creep *me* out. He's brilliant, tenacious, unpredictable, and inevitably, catastrophically fragile on at least one miserable !@#$ disaster day he really oughta be cruising on. But by his numbers, and with his honestly disturbing consistency, if he keeps his bonk day to a minimum time loss, he may actually be able to do it. Don't worry--it'll probably just be the podium. If not, I'm fully expecting the heavens to crack open and the hounds of doom to come howling out to devour the Earth--so he wins, well, it was nice knowing ya!

Rigoberto Uran (Cannondale): he's been the runner-up twice, the biggest guns are (and they can all suck it for doing this) prioritizing the Tour, and he's been promised heavier mountain backup than he's ever enjoyed. More, he's sounding super confident, which goes a long way when the legs cause doubts. Win? Nah--but top five? You betcha!

Ryder Hesjedal (Trek-Segafredo): okay, he's looked a liiiiiiittle shaky the last few rides, and no-one's taking him seriously, but he's actually won this race before, so no matter how unlikely that was, you can't count him out for at least a hell of a fight--and perhaps a Nibs-esque consolation redemption-song stage win--before he cracks for good. And yes, I know you're all rooting for Fabs to take a stage win anyway!

Tom Dumoulin (Giant-Alpecin): what the !@#$? This guy has no business being anywhere *near* GC on a Grand Tour, much less the Dolomiti-of-Death-stuffed Giro d'Italia. I can't even discuss it. What the !@#$?

Dark Horses: yeah, yeah--Esteban Chaves and Rafal Majka. Who *won't* be entertained watching 'em scare the spandex off Alejandro Valverde on a few key mountain stages before that reverse-aging wingnut dispatches 'em for good? I know *I* will be, so good luck boys!

Well, them's the GC hopes, but it *is* the Giro, and one sketchy descent in a sleetstorm or ill-timed snack break and the whole podium can be shot to hell. So good luck, stay up right--and prepare to bow before Landa in Torino!

Curses! Crashes! GC Psych-Outs! The Real Race Still Begins Now #giro

Not Quite Yet, Oleg!: yes, a mere day after braggart wingnut Tinkoff-Saxo team boss Oleg Tinkov horridly jinxed Giro-Tour double hopeful Alberto Contador by tweeting mid-stage he saw no reason Contador shouldn't win the TT today--thereby, of course, making Contador lose his first-ever mid-race leader's jersey to a still-bonking Aru by crashing just outside the 3k mark--Contador appears to have shaken it, *and* his change in time trial position *and* his bashed legs *and* his twice-popped shoulder *and* Oleg meanly making him have a roommate like a commoner--off pretty well, coming in third after LL Cool Sanchez and, more importantly, obliterating Porte Aru and even Uran to the tune of serious time on GC the day before the first real decisive mountain stage to Madonna di Campiglio. Just keep yer yap shut, Oleg, you clearly almost screwed over Alberto completely yesterday, and anything can still happen in this slippery nail-biter Giro! Meantime, poor Porte's premature assertions of total domination and likely bushwhack challenge to Froomey at the Tour this year are now apparently in the tank, with his irate less-pampered teammates already having toilet-papered his posh personal team bus in vengeance and installed Vasil Kiryienka (for whom Oleg *just* took personal credit on twitter, pointing out he offered him his first pro contract in 2006) in Porte's silk-sheeted sanctuary instead. Oh, Richie, *don't* make us have to root for *you* now with all the crap luck and clear crushing disappointment you've had--after all, it would hardly be sporting to mock this 'marginal gains' bull!@#$ anymore with you in this sad state!

Oh, It's Still On, Baby!: still, despite the grim statistics, the remaining GC contender(s) aren't giving up: to his credit, Fabio Aru was gracious in complimenting Contador for his triumph, also thanking the fans and promising serious fireworks on the road to Sestriere. Hey, Pistolero, if you've got the time on 'im, why not be a gentleman and let Aru take a stage win to go with his young-rider's jersey? Tomorrow: and you thought *today* hurt? Oh, the hell with the GC, go Mikel and Benat--our dear ex-Carrots are doing *so* great this race!

It's Yer Giro d'Italia Rest Day Uno Roundup!: Smack-Talk! GC Hijinks! Extra Etiquette Tips! #giro

To Sleep, Perchance to Psych Out Your Opponents: yes, with a relaxing day of massage, light riding, and fleeing in terror from Tinkov's raging angry goons, the GC contenders have taken time out to scare the bejeezus outta each other, with Contador proclaiming optimism he can save his shoulder and his podium by slightly tweaking his preferred time trial position and taking a pile of ibuprofen, Aru showing how relaxed he really is about potentially getting popped for his wholly genuine dysentery and coincidentally useful sudden weight-loss by officially suing Greg Henderson for the latter's calling BS on Fabio's bio passport, Uran set on recovering from a disastrous 52-second time suck, and Richie Porte--well, apparently he's too busy being waved at with cooling palm leaves and being served dainty bon-bons by minions in his one-man traveling palace to engage with the press, his DS, or his teammates. Watch out in July, Froomey, I think the karma you gathered bushwhacking Wiggo is coming back to bite your !@#! with this guy! Anyway, for my money, the real concern for GC is the team strength--either Tinkoff, easily the best on paper, is wisely holding back until the final week, or Astana's gonna continue to inexplicably crush them and leave Alberto isolated and he'll just have to hide from Oleg 'til the Tour. Don't give up Rigo, anything can still happen--don't that little twerp Aru's legs have to have a bad day *sometime*?

The Empire Strikes Back: meantime, over at the just-finished Amgen EPO Tour of California, lovable if terrifyingly bat-!@#$ megalomaniac Tinkoff-Saxo overlord Oleg Tinkov has not only expressed his keen interest in slashing dead-weight loser Peter Sagan's excessive salary--which seems a little, well, untimely since the kid *just* got his decimated mojo back winning 2 stages & the overall, which if nothing else shows the beneficial effects of being a giant ocean and huge continent away from his vindictive nutwhack team boss--but (1) sez it's true disgraced team founder Bjarne Riis was fired in part for watching "West Wing" reruns during major races (2) indicated Contador should be winning all *three* Grand Tours in one season, not just two like some quivering wuss and (3) suggested he'll either personally torture 20-odd innocent riders for the next 15 years with his hands-on-and-heads-off management style, or bail entirely on the team next summer just in time to reward them for their efforts by screwing them too late into contract season to find another squad. Thanks for the pep talk, Oleg! Alberto, I know yer signed til 2016, but at least heal up enough to grab yer cellphone, call yer agent, and get the hell outta there, *fast*!

Spectator Etiquette, Version 2.0!: and, with deepest apologies to the clueless for having left out a few key etiquette tips in my last Handy Q&A Guide To Stupid Crap Tifosi Have Actually Done, I add:

Q: Can I try to scare the hell outta the riders by pinging them with my pellet gun?
A: No, what are you, some spy-movie stealth-ninja wannabe you !@#$in' sociopath? Plus, you could put an eye out with that thing!

Q: I'm, like, really extreme. Can I jump over the passing peloton with my mountain bike?
A: It may look cool on Youtube, jack!@#, but can you *imagine* with your primitive thrill-seeking brain the bloody freakin' carnage of an eejit attached to a buncha prickly bike parts landing on 15 guys going 40 miles an hour from 10 feet up like a flailing swearing ton of bricks? NO. Jump off a cliff when the road's empty so you only impale yourself, blockhead!

Q: These stupid riders are totally in my way. Can I ram them with my automobile and throw them into a ditch/the fans/an excruciating pile of deadly razor wire?
A: Jaysus, NO. Plus, next clown to pull that !@#$ gets their license revoked *and* an epic personal beatdown by the offended rider's mom.

Q: The race is over already. Can I insert my radical political cause into the entirely unrelated podium ceremony?
A: No. It'll only make (1) everyone hate you *and* your cause and (2) Bernard Hinault dive-bomb onto you like an avenging cycling superhero and break every bone in your body. But you can, for example, protest by parking your tractor alongside the course. Everyone likes tractors!

Well, fellow tifosi, this concludes your lesson, so if I missed anything, just *try* not to think up something too stupid. Tomorrow: a six-hours-o'-nothin'-and-two-kilometers-o'-fear sprint stage. So GC contenders, stay outta trouble, and fans, remember to play nice--you do *not* want to piss off a guy the size of Andre Greipel!

It's Yer Giro d'Italia In Preview, Part Due: The GC Contenders! #giro

Oh yeah, baby, it's three days and counting down to the smashing Giro d'Italia, the bitchinest race (along with the Vuelta) of the year! And yes, those vultures Froome, Quintana, and Nibali *are* bagging the Giro in hopes that the ultracompetitive Contador'll blow his legs out in this one and leave him gobsmacked--or at least slightly less supernatural--for his run at the second half of the mythical Giro-Tour double, but there's still plenty of other GC action to be found this May. Who? These guys--and their jerseys so you can tell who's who from the helicopter shot, to boot!

Alberto Contador: yep, he's been training at altitude, virtually unseen for months, and his form is, consequently, rather a mystery. But Oleg Tinkov is *not* bull!@#$ting around, and he's packed Alberto's Giro squad with experienced two-time Giro-winnin' slickster Ivan Basso, the explosive if intermittently erratic Roman "Please Don't Let Him Get Popped Again" Kreuziger and Mick "Holy !@#$ Did You See This Guy Last Year?" Rogers. Only downside: he needs these guys in July, especially to make up for whatever Oleg decides to squander on Peter Sagan's green jersey plans, so they gotta leave *something* left in the tank. But with some real heavyweights out of the GC race, will that even matter? Forza Alberto--this is yours to lose, and if you want to make your irritable team boss happy, you damn well better not!

Richie Porte: y'know who's actually been taking win after win this year? Yes, it's crappy to compare 'im to a recently-healed Contador, but this guy has been bringing home the *bacon*, honey. And without having to worry about herding Froomey around--or even just dodging to stay out the way of Froome's ever-flailing limbs--if he can keep his cool and not have a disastrous crack, he's a known--and virtually proven--quantity. Downside: with all that hype, he's gonna be marked almost as much--even more--than Contador. I'm sure with the slick black team kit no-one'll notice you, Richie!

Rigoberto Uran: he's got a bangin' pink-skull clothing line, a suave nickname, some damn good legs, intimate familiarity with the Giro podium, and, on a completely irrelevant note, we love Tom Boonen this year--but Uran hasn't pulled off his Grand Tour overall win yet. On the plus side, his hairdo of late has knocked even Marcel Kittel off his perch. Lookin' good Rigo!

Fabio Aru: apparently, you can't say anything bad--or at least preemptively slanderous--about this guy or he'll get all prickly and sue. Ergo, even though he actually hasn't won a Grand Tour yet, he's my first choice for top of the podium, and I hear he only eats wholesome whole grains, lean cuts of organic untainted meat, and legitimately purchased all-natural sports drinks. Furthermore, his team kit is made of earth-friendly undyed hemp, he's nice to puppies, and he calls his DS promptly every night at 9 p.m. to wish him good night and sweet dreams and to ask if the nar--uh, to wish him good night and sweet dreams. Wait, what the !@#$ is this about? oh right, he's got a pretty impressive young palmares too. Good luck Fabio--Nibali sure made it clear he wasn't gonna save your !@# by riding this race for you! Wait, wrong Fabio!

Ryder Hesjedal: am I the only one who counts this former Giro d'Italia champ in with the big boys, and if so, why the hell? Besides Alberto, the only one with the final maglia rosa, and the iconic spiral trophy, to his credit. Oh, stuff it, he can so too either--remember this, suckers?

Well, there's the top five (yeah, I *know* what everyone's been whining about the rest of the field)--good luck to the lot of you, and stay the hell on Aru's good side!

It's Yer Vuelta a Espana in Preview, Part Dos: the Climbers! And, Yer Doping Excuse o' the Year

It's V-3, Beeyotches! yep, it's only a few short days to the fabulous Vuelta, and besides the GC boys we covered already in yer Preview Part Uno, there's some smashing climbers on tap who, once their work for their captains is done, are sure to be let go to grab some high-stakes high-altitude glory. And, of course, like half of 'em are former Euskaltel (oh Euskaltel!) Yer guys:

Fabio Aru: like you thought he was gonna be 3rd at the Giro this year! He nailed a stage win, too, and he's had time to rest up and train for this Vuelta. Expecting big things from this guy!

Rigoberto Uran: Yes, he does other stuff too. But one can fairly say he's not too shabby, and OPQS's all-in with him as captain. Plus, his personal-brand t-shirts are *wicked.* Go Rigo Go!

Gorka Izagirre (Movistar): yep, ex-Euskie, and he's certainly got a big enough job supporting Nairo Quintana 'n' Alejandro Valverde for Movistar. Let him off the leash though and he's a smashing climber in his own right. Aupa Euskalteeeeeeeee--aw, crap, I mean Movistar!

Carlos Betancur (AG2R): oh, sure, he's got a rep for being a little, well, difficult, and Velonews just basically called him a doughboy--but he's still more than capable, and if AG2R can thwap him out of his complacency, we may see something very special. And damn, lay off the junk food, the team needs you at fighting weight--hey, if Horner can do it, you can too!

Thibaut Pinot (FDJ): yeah, I had no idea he could podium at a Grand Tour either--but apparently *he* did. Tour de France white jersey; 7th at last year's Vuelta. Clearly a boy to watch for the future--and the next few weeks!

Mikel Landa: uh-huh, another ex-Carrot! I'm just gonna stop repeating it. But he is openly looking for a stage win--let's just hope he gets it.

Well, along with Amets Txurruka, and Dani Moreno and Dani Novarro, and I can't say Samu because I already put him in with GC (can so either!), them's my big picks. May the best climber(s) win--or at least not be so totally beholden to a GC captain that they get at least a day's worth of a shot! Next up: the sprinters, and everyone else we're just plain happy to see in the phenomenal Vuelta!



P.S. And the Golden Syringe Goes To...Jonathan Tiernan-Locke, for saying the reason his bio-passport readings made him look like a drug-stuffed thoroughbred-Armstrong hybrid mutant freak was because he was just completely blotto and dehydrated after a major drinking binge the night before. Not quite as good as Bjorn Leukemans' ol' "I Just Finished Doing My Girlfriend" defense (who just won a race today btw!), but we'll take it--meantime, have some Tylenol for that hangover, and we'll see you in 2 years pending appeals, champ!

It's the 2014 Giro d'Italia Racejunkie Awards! #giro

Oh, let those fancy Hollywood ditzbags hit the awards-show red carpets in dazzling gowns and perfectly-tailored tuxedos--we cycling fans know what you *really* deserve a prize for, and you dress for it in aero booties, tattered bloody crash-scraped spandex, and neon bib shorts with your sponsors' names on the !@#$! So spit that energy-gel top at the paparazzi, whang that water bottle at a screaming fan--and without further ado, here's the incredibly prestigious 2014 Giro d'Italia Racejunkie Awards!

You Suck Race Organizers! Call o' the Giro: *really*? Kenny Dehaes busts his !@# for 3 weeks doesn't have a team car with him in the time trial and gets kicked out for missing the time cut? That *blows*--cut the humble hardworking domestiques o' the world a little slack for their efforts whydontcha?

Changing o' the Guard Award: oh, sure, Quintana won the whole show, Bouhanni's got moves like Jagger--but like you saw Diego Ulissi coming? Liar! Well, Basso Cunego and a host o' other aging Italian stars see him now....

Jaysus Tinkov Keep Your Head Down Trophy: I hate to say this, because I love love love him--but really, Mick Rogers bagging two stages including a brutal vertical mountain deathmarch? I don't care if he didn't do anything wrong--you *trying* to antagonize the narcs, enough with the ostentatious celebrating already Oleg!

Crash o' the Race (GC-Screwing): yep, Rodriguez on the disastrous stage 6. Oh, Purito! Please, *please* be back in time for the Vuelta--but you still don't get to beat Samuel Sanchez!

Crash o' the Race (Just Plain Heartbreaking): Dan Martin, skidding out in the opening meters and game over 15 minutes into the race, in his lovely home country no less--tell me that didn't make jump outta yer chair screaming "oh no"!

Crash o' the Race (oh !@#$ oh !@#$ oh !@#$): Chris Anker Sorensen, who finished the May 21 stage after a vicious crash that left him seemingly briefly unconscious and with no memory whatsoever of the rest of the stage. Please, please, DSes--I know you mustn't've realized, but *don't* let someone ride like that!

Smack-talk o' the Giro: outside GC hope Robert Kiserlovski after the Stelvio screwup, with, in reference to you-know-who, a firm "for me, they aren't riders." Boy, *someone* rolled outta the wrong side o' the Alps this morning!

Sticktoitveness Prize: Orica-Greenedge won the opening team time trial, Michael Matthews heroically held the maglia rosa for days--but one by one they got plucked off by injury and illness, 'til only Svein Tuft and Michael Hepburn were left. Sure, almost everyone loses a coupla guys--but to go with that few for that long--impressive!

Sartorial Offense Against God of 2014: god love 'im, it wasn't his fault, but Nairo's little pink individual time trial go-go boots. Am I at a Judy Jetson convention?

Sissy-boy Slap-fight Award: miraculously, even after the disaster on the Stelvio, it wasn't between Quintana and anybody else--hell, it wasn't even in the Giro d'Italia this year. Tie for Kenny Van Hummel, kicked out of the Tour of Belgium for pushing another rider after a slimy sprint, & RusVelo's Sergey Lagutin for actually punching Sep Vanmarcke!

Class Act o' the Race: y'know, Rigoberto Uran could really have taken advantage of the Stelvio controversy to be a complete and total !@#$. But he gave credit where credit was truly due, and his warm embrace of 2014 champ/fellow countryman Nairo Quintana on the final podium showed he wasn't one. Even better, you can still buy his stylin' pink skull t-shirt on his website. You're still gonna win a Grand Tour Rigoberto--just not this one this year!

And Finally, Fan Dimwit Move o' Giro 2014: y'know, it's normally some asshat letting their giant dog wander into the course or some eejit mugging for the camera pushing an unwilling rider up the hill--but poor Bongiorno's screaming blockhead knocking him out of his pedals and the stage win on an excruciating 15% gradient while 'til-then-companion Rogers pedaled obliviously away as Bongiorno's dream of a lifetime went over a cliff just about takes the cake. That's it--next year, *every* rider gets armed with a sword--avast, ye stupid wankers!

So riders, bask in your glory, fans, hold the pink close to your heart til next year--it's time to get ready for the gaudy overhyped spectacle of the Tour!

It's Psycho(logical) Warfare in the Peloton! And, The Alps Are *On*, Baby! #giro

The Giro GC Talks Smack!: Yep, the general classification contenders are gettin' twitchy, which means they're getting nasty: oh, wee Nairo Quintana *seems* innocent enough, but even as he's complimenting countryman Rigoberto Uran, Nairo's pointing out both that he's a "better climber" than Uran *and* that Cadel seems to be weakening, Cadel's delicately professing doubts as to whether Rigo can even hold it together in the third week, Uran's making it clear he's not feeling any threat whatsoever, and Pozzovivo seems just disdainful of everybody. Well, the next few days are gonna tell us a lot, boys--just try to stay upright, so we can *really* judge who's just talking crap!

Ice Ice Baby: meantime, the Giro's already takin' a big step for 2015: in a move destined to bring even !@#$ier weather than what decimated the peloton in dear Ireland in the first few days of the Giro, the race is reportedly starting in the Netherlands in 2016. As for the more immediate problem of tomorrow's crucial stage up the snow-covered Passo Stelvio and the Gavia: the road's clear enough, we're going for it! Here, the passes this morning:

It's Yer Rider Insult Roundup!: finally, if you think Team Sky is already an imploding, stinking cesspool of prima-donna face-clawing simp-slapping infighting, you're right, they're a pack o' snarly sixth-grade alpha-gir--uh, you are just so *wrong*, as Chris Froome's tender Chris-rules-Brad-drools screw-you autobiographical paean to despised team leader Wiggo virtually guarantees that either (1) Wiggo isn't gonna ride the Tour de France at all this year or (2) Sky's gonna have to encase Froomey in a protective shark cage and repeatedly jab Wiggins with a cattle prod to get Brad to do his damn job without personally killing his captain. Keep up the good work, Froomey--maybe, with a little forethought, you can make your *other* backup riders wanna slash your tires and accidentally loosen all the screws on your time trial bike just in time for July, too!

Oh Yeah, It's Week Tre of Our Giro d'Italia Contest: so enter to win here!

It's Yer Week Due Winner; and, Enter to Win the 2014 Racejunkie Giro d'Italia Win Free Stuff Contest Part Tre! #giro

Woot, woot--I've drawn this week's winner from this week's Giro d'Italia contest from the We Still Love Euskaltel Euskadi Cycling Cap o' Perpetual Mourning, and with the correct answer to the question "what team will be in the maglia rosa at the end of stage 14" of OPQuickStep, it's... dear reader Trudgin, so Trudgin, email me to get your prizes! The rest of you, thanks for playing--and now, give it another shot folks, it's time for Week Tre! So to enter:

What: It's the 2014 Racejunkie Giro d'Italia Win Free Stuff Contest Part Tre!

Why?: It's the fabulous Giro d'Italia, and Rigoberto Uran Uran's got the bestest flowing lockses in the peloton--*and* the maglia rosa, beeyotches!

What: Answer this week's question correctly, and win: (1) a bitchin' custom-embroidered racejunkie cap--like, prolly the only one on your continent! (2) a passel o' stylin' racejunkie stickers to deface yer stuff with! and (3) a two-week rider insult moratorium on yer favorite rider, no matter what disgusting thing they do!

Where: here--and good luck to all!

It's Yer Deep Thoughts 'n' Important Questions Peloton Roundup! and, Enter to Win! #giro

Yes, tomorrow's the 46-odd k rolling race o' truth at the Giro d'Italia, where the GC contenders will find themselves either (1) still in or (2) completely screwed and forced to issue a press release about how they've really only been targeting a week 3 stage win the whole time anyway. But not to worry, Nairo and Rigoberto can probably hold themselves up pretty well against Cadel at least! So 'til the tears start flowin':

1. Am I the only cycling fan listening to these stories from (American) football and baseball about doping and painkillers and thinkin', "what a !@#$in' pack of amateurs"?

2. !@#hole quote o' the week: Olympic gold-medalist trackie and fierce proponent of women's equality in sports Jason Kenny, opining that a women's Tour de France would result in "deaths" for the ladies involved. Also, they'll start growing chest hair, refuse to cook dinner for their husbands, and their ovaries will shrivel into Raisinettes. The horror!

3. So Chris-Anker Sorensen doesn't remember a good 20k of the race today after his crash. *Please*, DSes, if you see a boy whang his head, *take him off the bike* for heck's sake--you *know* these masochists are conditioned to ride no matter how hurt they are!

4. Oh, Jan Ullrich. You were *such* a lovable mess as a rider. Please, *please* look at what happened to some of your contemporaries--avert that downward spiral, whatever it takes!

5. Sagan's win at the Tour of California was nice and all, but he ain't lookin' like no 4 million euro man just yet this season. Unless you're Oleg Tinkov, in which case that's just the pocket change you leave the waitress at the diner. Get 'im while he's still celebrating Mick Rogers' win, kid!

6. Speaking of whom, I feel just a *little* dirty being so happy to see Mick take the win at the Giro today. But not as dirty as I do when I cheer on Contador.

7. Right, Armstrong has to testify. Is there anyone who *doesn't* assume he'll continue to be a delusional self-justifying sack of crap?

8. Everyone quit bitchin' about Fernando Alonso buying a World Tour gig for his new squad. If he hires Samuel Sanchez to do anything higher'n washing riders' underwear next year, he can buy whole races for all I care--hell, that wily bastard Vinokourov (allegedly) did it, and we still love *him*!

9. *Really*, BMC--you're not even fielding *anybody* at the Tour of Norway? Kick Thor Hushovd in the nuts whydontcha--I mean, Caja freakin' Rural is riding it!

Well, onto the Ride o' Destiny tomorrow--and enter our Giro contest here to win, because the wine's amazing! The time trial:

It's Your Giro d'Italia Rest Day Due (and ATOC) Roundup! and, Enter to Win! #giro

Yep, the Giro boys got a day to chill, spin, and nurse their aching bloody carcasses, so let's catch up before we hit the road again!

1. Quit asking Cadel Evans if he feels bad about missing the Tour. What's the !@#$in' maglia rosa anyway, chopped liver?

2. Agony Update: Angel Vicioso, the worst-hit from the tarmac with a busted femur, is already standing. Meantime, Purito's got a coupla pins in his thumb. Forza ragazzi--ci vediamo alla bellissima Vuelta!

3. Tweet o' the Week: "Bling" Matthews apologizing "Sorry about showing my ass to the world today #pinkjersey to #pinkass." Now *that's* a rider with an excuse for slurping some Tramadol!

4. Ivan Basso. Lookin' better'n you thought he would, right?

5. FDJ--I don't think you can afford Nacer Bouhanni any more!

6. Really, he looked promising--but who the hell saw Diego Ulissi coming? Well, now everyone will!

7. Under new rules, anyone running alongside the racers in those hideous Borat banana-slings can now have it nut-crackingly snapped by the nearest aesthetically-offended GC contender. Thanks, UCI!

8. Am I the only one who expected Elia Viviani to bag a stage or two by now? *One* lil puppy's in the Cannondale doghouse, I bet!

9. Quit *whinin'*, Scarponi!

10. Uran did well not to cut off *all* his hair. As for Quintana, bruised or not, if he had a good day today, I wouldn't count him out. C'mon, at least don't leave this *whole* race a foregone conclusion!

11. No freakin' way is Wiggo gonna voluntarily domestique for Froomey at the Tour de France. At least not without trying to bushwhack 'im outta contention first!

12. If *I* were Floyd Landis, listening to Christian Vande Velde get a sweet-payin' commentator gig at the ATOC after watching Landis twist in the wind for years knowing the whole time the guy was telling the truth while enjoying a full career with a no-punishment post-retirement ban, I'd probably be bull!@#$. Pays to go to charm school, I guess!

13. Enter our Giro contest here, and win stuff! Why? Because if you love the Giro, you deserve it!

Well, onto a coupla days of relative relaxation--then back to the mountains again, woo-hoo!

Oh, I Can't Wait One More Minute: It's Your 2014 Giro d'Italia in Preview, Part Uno!

All right, screw Romandie--it's a mere 8 days 'til the fabulous Giro d'Italia, so get yer pink on!

The Course: one word--mountains, beeyotches! You ever seen Monte Zoncolan? You need a !@#damn Batman setup to climb the thing! Three days in smashing Ireland before a rest day to get back home. And oh, yeah, an opening team time trial to put someone in rosa and scare the hell outta probably at least one squad's GC contender, 2 individual time trials to unnerve 'em even more, 8 stages for Marcel Kittel--uh, sprinters. The rest are mountains, 5 medium agony, 5 major agony replete with summit finishes, including the Queen with Zoncolan. Cadel Purito Uran Uran and Nairo sure are tough, but these just might be even tougher!

The Jerseys: Here: Rosa: the leader's jersey, natch. Don't bag this too soon Purito! Blue/Azzurra: king of the mountains, honey--c'mon, Cadel, Samu's already won it at the Tour, surely you can let 'im off the leash to at least get a day in this at the Giro as a reward for all his work for you, right? Red/Rossa: Points Classification! Special new rule for 2014: bonus points will be awarded for the first rider to whack the fan running screaming next to him in an idiotic hat and a neon Speedo upside the head with a full bidon. Break my line I'll break yer face, you TV-whoring road-hog! Bianca/White: young riders. If they're young now, they'll sure have aged a few years by the time they hit Milano. Get yer future maglia rosa contenders here!

The Tifosi: expect heavy turnout from the ever-loyal Fans Club Cunego, a pile o' Aussies rooting for Cadel for the win, and pretty much everyone having way better wine 'n' food than we have at home. And as always, I expect the Devil--the fan, not that dopey little !@#$ Riccardo Ricco!

Next up--Part Due: the Contenders!

It's the 2013 Giro d'Italia Racejunkie Awards!

Yep, three glorious weeks of rain, sleet, snow--and oh right, bike racing--are past, and before the overhyped Tour de France sucks the life outta the cycling universe, it's time to honor the best, the worst, and the just plain weirdest for the 2013 Giro d'Italia Racejunkie Awards! Yer winners:

M-M-M-M-M-M-My Poker Face Award: He wins. He's tranquillo. He loses. He's tranquillo. His rivals crack. He's tranquillo. His rivals surge. He's tranquillo. He's actually being chipped out of a giant block of ice on top of Tre Cime, he's tranquillo. Vincenzo Nibali, you ain't called the Shark for nothin'--anyway we can only *assume* you're actually happy today, so complimenti on a fabulous win!

Andy Schleck Memorial Whining Award: It's rainy. It's sunny. It's windy. It's descendy. I got caught out behind a crash. I got caught out in front of a crash. HOW DARE YOU NOTICE RIGOBERTO URAN INSTEAD OF ME FOR ONE SECOND YOU IGNORANT DIRT-DWELLING PEASANT! Oh shut *up*, Brad Wiggins--you cherry-picked your course, you still got beat, for chrissakes quit whinging already!

Total Tool o' the Race Auxiliary Prize: congrats, Brad, it's a two-fer! You lose your mojo, and you not only insult the iron-tough grievously-underpaid and distinctly-underpampered entire women's peloton in an effort to justify your own inadequacy, but you start being a merely tepid support to yer !@#-saving corsa-ripping Colombian domestiques and immediately spend the rest of the race--before you quit--trying to steal back the Tour defense you never even really cared about (uh, sure!) from Chris Froome. *Please*, Sky, don't let this spoiled princess screw your second straight Grand Tour this season...

American Idol Award: Ryder Hesjedal, this one's for you! Something bad--really, really bad--was going on out there, yet you doggedly honored the maglia rosa you were defending until there wasn't a single pedal stroke left in your legs. And *still* some misguided soulless goons gave you crap. Salute, Ryder, now rest up and get well soon--you done Canada, your entire swooning continent, and most of all the beautiful Giro d'Italia proud!

The Agony and the Ecstasy Prize: y'know, say what you want about John Degenkolb's chances had a hideous crash not taken 3/4 of the riders down without 'im, but Degenkolb's utter gutted exhaustion as he collapsed after the line was the epitome of what it takes to win. Geez, man, I hope you got your breath back by *now*!

French (Are) Toast Statuette: from Paolini to Visconti to Pirazzi to Santambrogio to, oh yeah, some "Nibali" character, the Italians were just *stompin'* in their home race this year. Could the French, in their home Grand Tour, say the same for, say, the entire last quarter-century? Step it up, kids--you've got til July not to shame your own country!

Divine Comedy Prize: oh, Danilo Di Luca. After your return from pipi-degli-angeli exile, it was awful fun of you to animate the race so frequently--tho' it was even skeeving out your own hometown journalists by the end of the first week. But when Lance-freakin'-Armstrong has the moral authority to call you an "idiot" for doping (well, getting caught anyway), you *know* you're a class-A chump. Che cretino, Danilo--you couldn't summon the brains to do this right just *once*?

Run! Run Away! Run Children! Run for Your Life! Award: Cadel Evans' mechanic--I don't know yer name, and if I were you I'd sure as hell change it, but this is a cash prize to buy a lifetime's worth of camping gear and a ticket to a remote landing strip in some deserted impenetrable craphole. Trust me, after Cadel's bike blew up on him on Tre Cime, you're better off there anyway!

Euromullet Award: not since the great days of Mario "the Chest" Cipollini have so many flowing locks taken so much aerodynamic advantage away from the GC contenders. But of all of 'em, Rigoberto Uran's take the hairspray. Welcome back 1980s--hell, half the squads already brought back the eye-gougingly flourescent team kits!

Twit-pic o' the Giro: okay, those snaps o' the riders covered in icicles *were* diverting. But in the midst of all the media hoopla about Pippo Pozzato's "mafioso" tactics and, well, leisurely approach to his profession, and in a scene straight outta some desperate 1960s "seduce yer man" playbook, Pippo wrapped himself in Saran Wrap for the cameras. Heck, that's twice as much as he usually wears--better luck next time I guess, fanboys 'n' girls!

Sweet Gesture Award: no snark, just admiration--for Cav's dedication of his stage win to the fallen Wouter Weylandt, and Benat Intxausti's to his lost friend Xavi Tondo. You done well by them, gentlemen--and such a kind gift to their families!

No-Show o' the Race: oh, sure, Cav never got his Petacchi, and poor Ivan Basso couldn't even start--but breathless near-daily team reports on the state of his ginormous nuttal cyst certainly kept us in the know. Nope, this win belongs to dark-horse pre-race press-darling Robert Gesink, finally bailing in total dejection (and obscurity) within the very sight of the finish line. Well, the boy is still a whipper-snapper--just bag a few short stage races, and they'll have your back again next year!

The Fine Colombian Award: geez, what a giant mark these few guys made in the race--between Betancur snagging the young rider's jersey on the penultimate day, to Henao's brave rides before he finally faded, to unexpected-team-leader-then-surprise-podium-runner-up Rigoberto Uran Uran, notice has formally been given to Sky and AG2R that they better waaaay-improve their contracts or lose 'em to greener pastures next year! Did we mention that if these wee climbers can halfway learn to time trial they'll be particularly hard to beat? Particular congrats to Uran for also taking this year's Diplomat o' the Race Award for (okay, maybe he did needlessly slag Froome a bit) remaining so discreetly humble in the face of Brad's increasingly-obnoxious desperation and his own increasingly-obvious supremacy!

Oh, Just Go *Home* You Wannabes Award: he won five--five!--sprint stages--with and without the lead-out train he so extravangantly credited--and, despite a little on-camera swearing amidst the argy-bargy at the intermediate sprint points, even snatched his red jersey back from the ravages of the cold snowy mountains--and Vincenzo Nibali--literally in the last few moments of the race. Mark Cavendish, you are simply unbeatable--well done, and Elia Viviani, there are way worse guys you (and every other helpless fast man in the peloton) can lose to!

Game-Changer o' the Race: yes, Nibali probably--almost certainly--had the maglia rosa tied up by the second-to-last mountain stage. But we'll never *really* know for certain, because the Gavia and Stelvio stage was cancelled, and even the Tre Cime stage took some serious kilometers outta the course. And in the Giro, as poor Cadel found out yesterday, and even considering Vincenzo's Abominable-Snowman imperviousness to snow, anything--from crash to mechanical to just plain bonk--could've happened. Damn, Mother Nature, if you wanna run the Giro in December instead just say so!

Class Move o' the Giro: finally, well done to 2013 champ Vincenzo Nibali, who generously gave his traditional victory show-off to the great, retiring 2000 winner Stefano Garzelli. No matter how anyone thinks you won this jersey, Vincenzo--and I'm not saying I'm among them, both because you're the current subject of a Rider Insult Moratorium and because Vino might break my kneecaps--they sure can't deny your grace!

Well, that's another great Giro d'Italia in the bag, some serious wine 'n' prosciutto in the stomach, and some major prosecco to suck down for our champions. Gentlemen, enjoy your trophies--may the Battle o' Brad'n'Froome begin!