Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Oh, I Can't Wait One More Minute: It's Your 2014 Giro d'Italia in Preview, Part Uno!

All right, screw Romandie--it's a mere 8 days 'til the fabulous Giro d'Italia, so get yer pink on!

The Course: one word--mountains, beeyotches! You ever seen Monte Zoncolan? You need a !@#damn Batman setup to climb the thing! Three days in smashing Ireland before a rest day to get back home. And oh, yeah, an opening team time trial to put someone in rosa and scare the hell outta probably at least one squad's GC contender, 2 individual time trials to unnerve 'em even more, 8 stages for Marcel Kittel--uh, sprinters. The rest are mountains, 5 medium agony, 5 major agony replete with summit finishes, including the Queen with Zoncolan. Cadel Purito Uran Uran and Nairo sure are tough, but these just might be even tougher!

The Jerseys: Here: Rosa: the leader's jersey, natch. Don't bag this too soon Purito! Blue/Azzurra: king of the mountains, honey--c'mon, Cadel, Samu's already won it at the Tour, surely you can let 'im off the leash to at least get a day in this at the Giro as a reward for all his work for you, right? Red/Rossa: Points Classification! Special new rule for 2014: bonus points will be awarded for the first rider to whack the fan running screaming next to him in an idiotic hat and a neon Speedo upside the head with a full bidon. Break my line I'll break yer face, you TV-whoring road-hog! Bianca/White: young riders. If they're young now, they'll sure have aged a few years by the time they hit Milano. Get yer future maglia rosa contenders here!

The Tifosi: expect heavy turnout from the ever-loyal Fans Club Cunego, a pile o' Aussies rooting for Cadel for the win, and pretty much everyone having way better wine 'n' food than we have at home. And as always, I expect the Devil--the fan, not that dopey little !@#$ Riccardo Ricco!

Next up--Part Due: the Contenders!

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