All right, between work, women being reduced to livestock in my country, Covid-cautious family visits, and general tomfoolery, I'll admit, it's been a bit of a week. But after like 15 years of Grand Tour previews, I would be grievously failing both my loyal readers if I didn't at least mega-halfassedly pay homage to that gloriously tacky Show of Shows, the Tour de France. And mercifully for you, this means you get a major edit on my usual blathering posts about (1) the Course; (2) the GC Contenders; and (3) the 'Nother Guys. So what've we got, this lively Tour edition? This!
1. UCI's new Covid protocol. Near as I can tell, it means "you really should get out if you're Covid-positive, but we'll leave some wiggle room so any pestilence-ridden GC contenders can weasel up an excuse to stay in and infect the rest of the peloton, race organizers, staff, and occasional fan who runs too close too long, but the rest of you plebes, you're !@#$ed." As a result, the last 72 hours have been a mad scramble of rider regret-Tweets, last-minute flights, and special Tour team-kit sewing jobs. How the hell are you clowns gonna enforce this fairly?
2. The Bahrain-Merida hotel raids. FFS. Look at how many records are falling like dominoes the past couple years, and that's *with* all the supply-chain interruption bull!@#$. Bahrain-Victorious is the *least* of the peloton's problems right now, so what the hell? And yes, I'm biased because of Mikel, who is innocent, you faithless freaks. Pro tip: lawyer up anyway!
3. The mountains. I'm sure they're great, though the Giro and Vuelta's are better. What's *really* gonna be interesting is if Rogla cracks and a certain jailbait superdomestique unilaterally decides to change the team leadership. No more Mister Nice Guy--Movistar, this could make you all look like amateurs!
4. The Team Kit Controversies. Okay, so some look like an acid trip, some look like someone hurled after an acid trip, some are dull as hell, some have a rather lovely twilight (evening, not vampire) vibe, and some, for entirely mysterious reasons, incorporate anime dinosaurs. *Now* how are we gonna recognize anybody the first week?
5. Putting Cav's giant green-jersey arms-raised-in-triumph photograph behind the Tour team he'd been embarrassingly excluded from is just next-level trolling. Whoever got paid whatever to sneak that slide in--they oughta double it!
6. Speaking of whom, I'm betting the chances that Pat Lefevere slags Cav to the press without him even being in the race as approximately 100% the first full day, plus 10% more each day thereafter. Your odds?
7. We all want to see Tibo win a stage. Maybe they'll let him bring a coupla his baby goats up on the podium!
8. Alaphilippe out just plain sucks. Glad he's resting up and not ruining the rest of his season aggravating his injuries, though!
9. Simon Clarke for a stage win. Hope I haven't just cursed 'im.
10. Chris Froome for the--nah, even I won't pile on a guy that low down. I'll wait til he finally gets popped for a career of donkey-to-racehorse performances instead.
11. Euskaltel. !@#dammit race organizers, fix this !@#$ in 2023. Frankly, it's not like a French squad's gonna pick up the slack!
12. Race motos--you've been on quite a rampage lately with these fragile rider bodies. Back the !@#$ off!
Welp, there's your preview in brief. Hope everyone stays happy, healthy enough to satisfy the race organizers, and safe!
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment