Sunday, April 07, 2013

It's Yer Paris-Roubaix Awards!; And, It's All Pat "Dick" McQuaid's Fault!

1. Massive "You Suck" o' the Race: WHY THE !@#$ IS THE ENTIRE REST OF THE EARTH SCREAMING THEIR HEADS OFF OVER FABIAN'S WIN AND IMMEDIATE COLLAPSE AT THE LINE WHEN THERE'S STILL 10K TO GO OF "LIVE COVERAGE" ON NBCSPORTS? *Must* we be so grateful for coverage of *any* cycling race in this crotch-scratching tobacco-lougie-spitting big-lunks-crushing-each-other country that we simply have to accept this mess? Aiiiigghhhhhhhhh!

2. Return of the King Award: Speaking of NBCSports' coverage, yes, I know perfectly well what Phil Liggett's done this past year, thank you--he damn near broke my faithful heart doing it. But hearing him and Paul together again is a symphony among banjos. He was an innocent lamb, I tells ya, an innocent lamb--bug off haters!

3. Fan Dipwad Prize: of course, one of the crazy-!@# things that's so great about cycling is that--unlike, say, in soccer, where one might get dragged off the field and stomped to death by 70,000 rabid hometown fans for pulling a similar trick--you can literally get close enough to reach out and touch the riders. But there is a difference between a bit of over-enthusiastic leaning over the roadside, and knocking a surging rider off his bike and out of the *biggest win* of his career. Poor Vandenbergh's tumble was bad enough--if not for having to make a spectacular cyclocrosser save over a camera-wielding nimrod, and even considering Sep Vanmarcke's phenomenal strength, Zdenek Stybar *really* could have won the whole race today. *Back* *up* you thoughtless freaks!

4. Rainbows-'n'-Unicorns Happy Place o' the Race: look in the break, and who do you see? Yep, it's we love Stuey O'Grady! Sure, he bonked eventually, but is that really any worse than how he usually ends a race, run over by a team bus, engulfed by some huge inflatable promotional item, stuck in someone else's derailleur, stampeded by a herd of 'roid-raging elephants? I know it's likely your last season Stuey--but can't you still change your mind?

5. Crash o' the Race--no, it wasn't decisive. Yes, it suuurrre did blow. Yoann Offredo's full-strength all-in flying-eagle whack into a road sign. Ow, even by Hell o' the North standards--hope you're okay, Offredo, and compliments to one heck of a hard-man for even getting back up so quickly!

6. He's Baaaaaa-aaaaaack (well, "Backish") Prize: yes, I was darned proud of Chavanel and Phinney, but then, they never had anyplace to come back from in the first place. Thor Hushovd, you're still mostly living down to everyone's worst expectations this season--but it was certainly nice to see you in the second chase group, perhaps it bodes well for much more!

7. Well, At Least It Wasn't Boring Award: last but not least for this year's Paris-Roubaix, I must humbly tip my hat to Fabian Cancellara--unlike Flanders, where we could've all just taken a nap the last hour, even Spartacus had so much on his hands the whole race he just plain fell over after the line. Nicely done--now someone bring that boy a proper pillow and blanket, he's earned it!

You *Suck* UCI and Pat "Dick" McQuaid!: and, lest I depart today's post without the most important news: look how you've destroyed my glorious beloved Euskaltel-Euskadi with your stupid domestique-screwing ridiculous "points" system--not only are they gonna apparently be winless til the Giro because you've stripped them of half the power that made them the peerless peloton climbing machines they so wonderfully were, one of the junior jackwagons that displaced guys like the smashing Amets Txurruka has turned up positive! *Dammit*, you petty loathesome abacus-crunchin' numbers-slurpin' soul-missing bureaucrats--shouldn't this little snake have been slithering around in someone *else's* colors this season instead?

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