Wednesday, April 03, 2013

Cancellara Gets a Boo-Boo! Baby Schleck Gets a Break! Purito Rodriguez Gets a Grip!

Prijs Release Me, Let Me Go: man, crap luck today for Spartacus today at his training ride at Scheldenprijs, as Fabian Cancellara goes down (tho' luckily not bone-snappin'ly hard) and whangs the hell outta his posterior and side--hardly, as his team glumly notes, ideal prep for Paris-Roubaix. Well, at least you won't be home on your couch with a pile o' nachos watching "Dr. Phil" and pretending the race isn't on, like our poor soul-smooshed Tom Boonen--get well fast, Fabian, but for heck's sake try something new to liven up the race this weekend!

Freebird!: in *good* news, Andy "Linus" Schleck has almost got his security blanket back: big bro Frank's suspension for the banned diuretic he thoughtlessly scarfed for his severe menstrual cramps is officially up mid-July. Andy, we all know that, optimistic musings to the contrary, you cannot ride for !@#$ without Frank there to snuggle you along. There's no shame in that--unless, well, you compare yourself to Contador, Rodriguez, Froome or Nibali. So why not just be honest with yourself, wait 'til Frank's free for the Vuelta, and ride that one instead? Plus, it gives you an extra month to get over your lingering (and certainly understandable) post-crash willies, and how can that not help? Note to Frank: try a hot toddy a bowl of ice cream and a chick flick next time--*don't* !@#$ over your little brother again!

Finally, many thanks to inevitable (damn, I've cursed him!) Tour de France podium finisher Purito Rodriguez, who, unlike Cadel, has wisely decided to skip this year's Giro d'Italia after all, leaving it to that Heras'-Vuelta-thieving weasel/former Giro champ Denis Menchov to sully its pure and beautiful roads as Purito focuses on France instead. For any of you other clowns still considering the perfect Giro as training for the Tour, (1) how dare you use the perfect Giro for anything other than a holy tribute to its own glorious self, you cultureless classless goons and (2) enjoy staring right up the !@# of the day's lanterne rouge once you hit the mountains come July, eejits!

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