It's Yer 2014 Classics Awards!; And, Yer Bonus 2014 Classics Mystery

1. Best Classics Rider of the Season: Watch out Sagan, there's a new kid in town, and with this boy towards the front of damn near everything this spring, he's already blitzed these races more'n you: baby phenom Michal Kwiatkowski. You better quit poppin' wheelies and start poppin', well, many dedicated training hours, kid!

2. Being Clean Is the Best Revenge Award: Okay, Alejandro Valverde's got punch, he can climb, he's one smart tactical s.o.b., hell, he can even sprint if he has to. But c'mon, man--7 years *after* the bloodbagathon of Operacion Puerto and the guy's *now* on the form of his life? F!@#$in' good espresso, is all I can say. And I hope, against all odds, that's all ever I have to!

3. No Guts No Glory Prize: his breakaway mates fell off like wilting leaves, but at Liege, only Giampaolo Caruso clung on, to the very last second no less. Not a win, but clearly a victory--bravo Giampaolo!

4. Shut Up! Could've Too So Either! Prize: oh Thor Hushovd. Now that BMC's actually got Philippe Gilbert outta his funk and back to some results, maybe they could do the same for you too? Ok, they're not gonna give a crap about you 'til at least after the Giro, but there's still time left in the season then!

5. Crash o' the Season: no, it didn't break the most bones or derail the whole campaign or even, well, happen 'til the last moments of the last spring Classic of the year. But was I the only one who leapt outta my chair screaming at the video stream when it happened? Yep, Dan Martin's agonizingly pointless slide-out just a few hundred meters from victory at Liege. Suck, suck, suck!

6. Holy Crap It's Not Just Hyperbole Award: y'know, I think Vincenzo Nibali is actually right calling bull!@#$ on the teams' safe'n'sound race tactics. Except for the last kilometer of every race, has there ever been a more cautious, measured, even dull Classics season than this one?

7. Domestique o' the Classics: yes, Tom Boonen nut-whackingly earned it for a time propelling--however inadvertently--Niki Terpstra to his Paris-Roubaix win. But we love Samuel Sanchez, with your leg-rippin' work for Gilbert, this puppy's for you. So c'mon, BMC, you gonna let Samu ride for himself--and get someone else serious to ride for him--at the Vuelta at least?

8. I (Don't) Got You, Babe Prize: jeez, it's been depressing watch Andy Schleck fall down the pit o' sub-mediocrity and despair--I don't think the poor sod's even finished a race all season, much less ones he used to dominate or at least enliven. Remember when Frank used to ride for Andy? Yeah, hindsight is 20/20--what a freakin' disaster for poor Frank!

9. Magic Marker Award: Fabian Cancellara, you nailed it in Tour of Flanders, but whoa moly, you couldn't catch a break 'notherwise this whole season. You're just too damn marked by everyone--but don't worry, they'll be preoccupied with Tommeke again next year!

10. Save a Prayer for (the Giro) Now Prize: aw, I guess even Purito Rodriguez needs to be able to breathe to win a race. But he's tranquillo for the Giro d'Italia--and with 10 days to go and an estimated 4-5 days needed to heal, Cadel Evans, don't get too comfy!

And Finally, Yer Bonus 2014 Classics Mystery: if Sky is scarfin' all this Tramadol, and if it really does enhance performance, why has Sky sucked all year?

All right, it's been bitchin'--now on to the fabulous Giro d'Italia! C'mon, it's the official song (again)--sing!

All Hail the Queen (Doyenne, Whatever): It's the 100th Liege-Waffle-Liege, Baby!

The Fuss: the 100th Happy Birthday of the final Classic of the noblest season, when desperation is high for the season's so-far winless, the legs are shot, and your enraged short-sheeted sponsor's gonna beat you over the head with their iconic product if you don't bring home a podium. If your boss is Oleg Tinkov and he compliments you on Twitter, get the hell out, out, out!

The Course: Climb, dammit, climb! But don't be so good at it that you don't have power. And don't puncture. Or forget to eat. Or get caught behind some nit making a last-second date with the road furniture. Or be a tactical eejit. He who's on the !@#-end of the peloton on the Cote de la Roche-aux-Faucons is lost! The whole hog: here. The profile: HOLY #$%! WHEN IS THIS AGONY GONNA STOP?

The Contenders: Last year's stealth champ Dan Martin is a marked man. Chris Froome's lookin' to scare Alberto outta his smug tranquility and calm everyone down about that alarming pic of his legs he twitted this week. 2013 runner-up Purito Rodriguez' ribs still kill from crashing at Fleche, but then, who needs "air"--he apparently has that weird Wolverine thing that still lets you pound everybody when some clown's dropped a tank on your head. Nibali's not on his best game yet, but since you're all a pack o' power-meter-watching simps, he will crush you with his sheer manliness. Gilbert probably wants and needs it more'n anybody. And who's been creepin' *everybody* out all season? That's right, inexplicably likeable Alejandro Valverde! Either way, with too many other likely suspects to list, I'm wrong by this time tomorrow anyway--so Roman Kreuziger, wanna grab some glory before you give it all to Contador in July?

The Missing: Why the heck isn't there a women's Liege already? I mean, the race is nicknamed after a lady! Marianne Vos, just go there tomorrow with some cheesy hipster moustache disguise glued on yer face and take them all out anyway!

The Gee-I-Hope-They-Don't-Ignominiously-Suck-Tomorrows: okay, basically I mean Andy Schleck, who still holds the World Record for Non-Stop Whining After a Mechanical Despite Making a Cheap Shot Attack Against The Same Guy Too but is starting to garner even my sympathy--like we love Joseba Beloki after his spectacular Tour de France leg-snap driving his wheel into melting tarmac, poor Andy's never been the same since his own fall. Damn underdog-savior complex! Here, Dan-Martin-Who-Didn't-Choke brings it home last year:
Allez allez, and may the luckiest s.o.b. win!

Martin and Ryder Bust it Out for Garmin; Riccardo Ricco' Thinks You Suck; and, a Week o' (non) Wisdom-by-Tweet

Tactical Skill-o'-the-Irish: well, that was one slammin' surprise at Liege-Bastogne-Liege, not that seeing Gilbert-pleasingly-strong-but-not-quite-havin'-it was a shocker after his showing so far at Liege (and yes, I was rooting for him), with Argyle Army general Ryder Hesjedal looking great ahead of his upcoming Giro defense, Joaquim Rodriguez with a brave and nearly-successful flyer towards the end, a giant panda--uh, Valverde snagging yet another podium before he heads off to whack the field at Romandie, but ultimately Ryder's Garmin teammate Dan Martin taking his first--and Ireland's second, woo-hoo!--Liege. Whether you love or hate Jonathan Vaughters' letting ex-Lance-teammate/dopers Tommy Dave and Christian ride off peacefully into the post-scandal sunset, you sure gotta give it to 'im (and not least Dan Martin himself) for tactics--brilliant! On a bonus note, perhaps buoyed by shepherd Fabian Cancellara's likely-imminent departure, Andy Schleck rode tolerably ok. And don't worry Philippe, we have faith, you'll break the curse--surely it was *some* extra motivation seeing your name written every six inches in giant letters every bit o' the race on the tarmac! Here, Dan Martin's great win:

The Cobra Lashes Out: all right, young Italian riders, you've been slapped: disgraced inept-doper former-champion-now-mild-mosquitoesque-annoyanceRiccardo Ricco, praising wilier-fellow-miscreant Michele Scarponi for his form at Liege, sez in his twit-feed that compared to the older generation of current Italian cyclists, you all just suck. Yeah, too bad *you* weren't there to animate the race and immediately throw Italy in disrepute by testing poz for the CERA oozing out yer sweatglands, you weasel! I look forward to further whining when Vincenzo Nibali whomps the Giro--hey, aren't you supposed to be too busy with your new gig at "Cheers" or something (and a noble profession it is, which is more than you deserve) to be bothering the, y'know, working cyclists?

Talkin' Turkey: meantime, he may not have had the Classics season he wanted, but tattooed dream-stud Pippo Pozzato is set to give his all in the Tour of Turkey, so let's take a moment to wish him good legs and good luck, particularly since, I've noticed, he's always the first to tweet warm congrats to his compatriots for their own triumphs. Worse comes to worst, he can always rest up apres-tour reclining by the sea and posting swoonalicious photos of himself like usual, right?

A Humble Programming Note: well, both my dear readers, I won't have access to bloggery this week, but if anything ludicrous happens I may not be able to resist weighing in with a twit or two, so while I miss all the action, kick back with a cold one, scream your heads off for dear Euskaltel, and enjoy the races!

The Single Wussiest Bike Throw Ever; "I Big" Face Off at Trentino; and, It's Liege-Waffle-Liege, Baby!

First Prize for Wiggo!: yes, in an early lock on the 2013 Sissy-Boy Tantrum o' the Year Racejunkie Award, Giro hopeful Brad Wiggins manages simultaneously the luckiest and total-weeniest frustrated-rider bike toss *ever*, landing this gem--and apparently the outraged intervention of the Pinarello gods--as he freaks out over an ill-timed mechanical at Trentino. Watch out, Giro d'Italia--he gets pissed at you there, he might land you a glancing blow with a ripped-off bike glove or something! Oh, the fury...

Vincenzooooooooooooo!: speaking of the fabulous Giro--and, to be fair for once, cutting Wiggo *some* slack for his recent delicate manly-regions problems (though for my money, the diuretic-downing Frank "Midol" Schleck's lady-cramp issues were clearly *way* worse)--"i Big" are looking in great form at testing grounds of the Giro del Trentino, not only including the obviously-blazing champ Vincenzo Nibali, but also, seemingly out of nowhere, a suddenly-surging Cadel. *Now* we've got ourselves a Giro, baby! Me, I'm still gonna root for (sorry my dear Italy and fabulous Aussies, I know I'm ungrateful scum) the smashing Canadian Ryder Hesjedal to take the two-fer, but we'll see how *he's* going this weekend at Liege. And thinkin' about the major GC guys of our time, is anyone else noticing that Contador--obliged as he clearly was by the sponsors to do the Ardennes--just ain't looking so hot this season? Here's your chance, Andy Schl--damn, I just broke my voluntary self-imposed rider insult moratorium on the poor kid, I'm *so* ashamed!

Where the !@#$ Is the Video Coverage for Women's Cycling for !@#$'s !@#$ing Sake?: meantime, am I the only one completely rabid over the fact that I can get 8,000 video hits of Peter Sagan apologizing for his disgusting grab-!@# 30 seconds after the camera shuts off, but it takes a whole *day* for a single piece of footage of the great Marianne Vos bagging her record-setting 5th Fleche-Wallone to show up in the craposphere, particularly as one clearly can't post about this week's cycling 'til it's available? Well, finally, at least *some* lame coverage from UCI: Now how about filming the actual !@#damn *race*, whydontcha?

Lieeeeeeeege!: and, all hail the magnificent Liege-Bastogne-Liege this weekend, as Philippe Gilbert gets one last chance to finish off his bummin' Classics season with *some* glory, and the ever-disconcertingly-powerful Valverde, Nibali, and of course Dani Moreno's faithful Fleche superdomestique Purito Rodriguez, who *still* pulled off a bangin' result in his own right despite that sob of a bruise on his leg, bring on the whup-!@#. Oh, let's give this one to Gilbert--he needs to break the curse of the rainbow jersey on *something* good!

It's Liege-Waffle-Liege, Baby!; and, It's Gettin' Ugly at Planet Schleck

Down to the Last of the Classics!: yes, with Fleche-Wallone but a happy memory for surprise victor Joaquim Rodriguez, and Andy Schleck having conveniently blamed other teams for his own squad's relative fiasco in the race, it's time to wind down the spring season with the venerable Liege-Bastogne-Liege, baby! The bets: really, with Philippe Gilbert in quickly-rising form and confidence, and the forecast calling for "cold and crappy," they're pretty well on him. Also out for blood: Valverde, Samu', Oscar and Rodriguez, likely to be felled a bit by the temps even more'n they'll enjoy the upwards yank to the line; Simon Gerrans; Cunego, lookin' for vindication from his earlier Ardennes crash-near-the-line buckets o' Belgians; and, of course, Frank and Andy, ready for redemption. Here's the fun to come: Allez, allez Philippe--hey, at least your brother's promised a hometown boozefest-fest either way, you can mourn or celebrate with some of that strawberry vodka!

Fast (Well, Actually Not So Fast Lately) Times at Team RadioSkank: meantime, an apparently panicking Johan Bruyneel, wholly unused to losing (until Lance's return, of course), has unceremoniously booted longtime Schleck guide-to-glory Kim Anderson from RadioSkank's Tour de France team car, and also completely freaked out Frank and Andy, who have reassured the fans (and themselves) that they'll be checking in with Anderson by telephone "at least three times per day" and "we're really excited that Johan's got no confidence in us whatsoever for the Tour." Johan, of course, is cheerfully encouraging the two, revealing that his tactics for July are to "limit Andy's losses" in the flats, descents, and time trials, and just capitalize on his justly-lauded climbing skills. Jeez, kick him in the psychological nuts whydontcha--it's enough to make me feel sorry for the kid! Anyway, I wouldn't worry Johan--Andy has, after all, won the Tour de France once already. Of course, Contador *actually* won that year. And Cadel is freakin' *motivated* to retain that maillot jaune in July. And...uh, at least you're gonna bring Jens!

Mark Cavendish, Man of Action: finally, big points to Colgate poster-pup Mark Cavendish, who's not only aiming at the Giro, but now swearing he's gonna finish the Tour de France *and* still be ready to go for Olympic gold. Hey, as long as Thor's gonna be too busy workin' for Cadel *and* bizarrely chasing mountain stages, lookin' forward to seeing you in green again, Cav!