Monday, May 06, 2013

Brad Wiggins Gets Smacked; Ryder Hesjedal Takes No Crap; and, Euskaltel Is Totally Innocent, Natch

Blazing Saddles: yeah, baby, the Italians are *smokin'* out there at the Giro d'Italia, as Luca Paolini makes it 2 outta 3 pink jerseys for the home team (nation, whatever), Michele Scarponi was--well, he was hosed, but anyway, they're still kickin' !@#--really, can, say, the French claim as much about their own Tour for the last quarter century? Meantime, all the squads that lost time today to Ryder Hesjedal are on a complete high-school-bathroom bitch-fest that they completely screwed themsel--er, that Ryder really blew it like a neo-pro chump-wad wasting so much energy on a stage that didn't even really get him anywhere and will surely jack his GC ambitions overally. Maybe, but Ryder sure begs to differ! Other winners on the day--Cadel, suddenly looking far more promising that we've had any reason whatsoever to suspect; the always-attentive Vincenzo Nibali; and we love Euskaltel's Samuel Sanchez, thrown yesterday not by cluelessness but an ill-timed puncture by Remaining Exhausted Time Trial Carcass No. 5 and clearly unfazed this morning. Aupa Samu', and stuff it, Orange haters! Tomorrow: a long one, and our first hilltop finish of the race! And here, the final run to today's line: Oh, Ryder, I sure do *hope* you didn't blow your legs out...

Sky Lays Down The Law: meantime, in an effort to instill harmony and avert my proposed duel between Brad Wiggins and Chris Froome (which offer I still stand behind--I'm ready to set you a date, boys!), and to avoid a truly terrifying sissy-boy harangue from Froome, Team Sky stated definitively today that it's backing Froomey for leadership at the Tour de France, which means Brad will simply refuse to ride in support of that backstabbing little bast--uh, will suddenly develop an utterly incapacitating intestinal complaint on the evening of June 28 which will tragically prevent him from starting the Grand Boucle. Get well soon, Brad--I assume you'll be feeling aaaaaaaaaall better as soon as you leave Chris with just a little less support in scenic France! In other news, Froome today set a world's record for "fastest-ever maiden scouting-climb of Mont Ventoux," which achievement he reportedly celebrated by popping a bottle of champagne, mooning Wiggo's blameless soigneur, and defacing the iconic mountainside with a Brad-themed spray-painted obscenity. Glad to see you two getting along now that all the confusion's been sorted out, kids!

Predict the Giro!: and again, nail the question, survive the Holy Once-Eroski Cap o' Destiny, and win stuff here!

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