Friday, May 03, 2013

Woo-hoo--It's Il Grande Giro, Baby!

Yep, you know what May brings: it's the fabulous Giro d'Italia, baby! What you need to start:

Why?: It's *Italy* fer chrissakes, what more do you want? It's not an irritating circus like the Tour, the fans are more fanatical, the Dolomites'll make you cry like Thomas Voeckler just *watching* the race. Andiamo, honey!

The Course: yeah, yeah, Cav's here--but wait for the Tour de France, velocisti, this is a climber's race! Time bonuses reward consistency over blow-out body-gutting Contadorian stage attackfests for the GC contenders; mountains decide it all in the last week. Don't count *too* much on that bull!@#$ 800-kilometer time trial, Wiggo, but you're still gonna need it! Question: will Brad's season-long focus on mountains training cost him in his go-to discipline? Probably not, but I'm game to watch it happen!

The Contenders: Look, as at the 2012 Tour, we all know why Wiggo's here, so frankly, I'm too pissed to even count 'im. And y'know, I am getting exceedingly pissed that no one seems to be giving defending maglia rosa/wholly bitchin' Canadian Ryder Hesjedal the respect he deserves. "Weak 2012 field" my !@#! And if you don't fear him, dimwits, you oughta at least be a little nervous about that all-star group of Armstrong-era ex-dopers (since 2006! they swear it!) he's got for domestiques. Ex-Tour King of the Mountains (that's right, beeyotches!) we love Euskaltel-Euskadi's Samuel Sanchez: in it for a stage win, ending with a podium (shut up! bite me! will too!). My (yes, obvious, stuff it!) pick, tho' I'll still be beyond delighted if ever-generous Ryder takes it again: Sicilian shark/monster climber-descender Vincenzo Nibali to win. Let's face facts: he !@#$s it up, Vinokourov breaks his weakling peon scumbag kneecaps. Like *that's* gonna be out-motivated by a friendly post-triumph noogie from Vaughters?

Pre-Race Trouble: Cadel: there's gotta be *some* reason he ain't doing the Tour, but I wish him well all the same! Two-time champ/fading GC flower Ivan Basso: out with a humongous cyst to his taintal region, which, as some consolation, is clearly *not* doping-related, as it'd then be a "viral infection" or "stomach problems." Cav, deprived of a mid-season Petacchi lead-out. You've had plenty o' warning, Cavendish, no blaming yer teammates again if you lose this time!

Wish List: The great Stefano Garzelli to take a farewell stage win. A Colombian climber to make the GC boys screech in frustrated defeat. Danilo DiLuca not to creep us out *too* much with some goodbye-Giro Valverdian surge. Some truly unexpected gut-wrenching breakaway jailbait to grab a stage and not get busted the next day. And the tenacious Cadel to put in a good show, probably by taking a mountain win solo in snow, sleet, rain, hail, a tornado, a volcanic eruption, and a whirring plague o' grasshoppers. And me to be there next year!

Well, fellow tifosi, it's off to the races. In bocca al lupo, boys, and forza, forza Ryder and Nibali!


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