Boom! It's Transfer Season!; Not Enough Cookes in the Kitchen; and, Oleg Freaks Out (Again)

Oleg, You Tease!: oh no, not the plebeian August 1 announcement date for crazed Tinkoff-Saxo oligarch Oleg Tinkov: (1) he'll only sign with Peter Sagan if he gets 1000 re-twits; and (2) he's gonna make "big" announcements when he darn well feels like it, thank you, so all youse waiting for Alberto Peter & Ivan's new gig's can just wait you peasants! Meantime, Oleg also went off on two other fronts: yes, having never had a problem with accused bio-passport violator/key Alberto lieutenant Roman Kreuziger from the announcement til now, he's apparently decided there *is* a problem with his backup star (particularly with Rafal Majka and Mick Rogers having shown 'im up), 'cause now outta nowhere he tweeted UCI he's gonna sue their !@# for not having warned 'im of Roman's little bust before he went & signed a contract with the sleazebag. Oh, and he says ignorant American cycling journalists can spew their !@#$ and screw. !@#$, UCI, you didn't send over a bottle of champagne when Tinkoff won their stages or something? WELL NOW YOU'LL PAY FOR IT YOU INSOLENT SCUM! Oh, c'mon Oleg, what's a little haematocrit between friends?

B is for Bloodbath: meantime, after Cadel woofed at the Giro, Hushovd retired and they had a good but not astonishing Tour, BMC's now decided to gut its roster, cutting out a good dozen poor saps and, especially with Alonso's new gig still up in the air (and likely to Hindenburg), leaving guys like we love Samuel Sanchez completely adrift for next season. BMC, you better let Samu' have his way at the Vuelta--aupa Samuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! As for Astana, Vino's loading up on talent like Nib's sorta-Tour-de-France-rival Lars Boom, and, unless Sky gets their act together over the winter, we can likely expect another giant smackdown of the shaky Froome team next year. Go Vino, you dirty wily s.o.b.!

C is For Cooke, That's Good Enough For Me: over in scandalous-autobio news, former world champ Nicole Cooke's laying it down, not only excoriating the loss of the crappy opportunities for women even she had when she was still riding, but also busting out fellow competitors who shall remain nameless who she came in second to who she *knew* were doping. Wait a minute--the piddly dough they paid these women, and they *still* managed to come up with good enough !@#$ to beat the tests--what the hell could they even afford to be popping, gummy bears?

Retirements That Suck: meantime, a fond if bummed farewell to Brit speed goddess (and former Giro Donne mountains classification too!) Emma Pooley, hanging up her bike shoes with a bangin' palmares including a farewell Commonwealth Games silver medal and apparently heading off to do tri, which despite the roadies' snob thing over it I think she deserves to be cut some slack for. Allez Emma whatever you do--but road racing'll be a little less smashing without you in it!

It Ain't Over 'Til Scarponi Whangs a Musette Into Uran's Face to Try to Grab a Podium Spot

Or Worse, Into His Hairdo: yes, just as I was about to screech like a swooning Schleck-fan over we love Samuel Sanchez' smashing uphill time trial at the Giro, maglia rosa Vincenzo Nibali crushed him--and Cadel's Giro-winning hopes--spiritually, but the podium's still wide open, 'cause (1) any freak thing can happen in this race and (2)either way, between Cadel Uran and Scarponi, at least with the snow-slammed Gavia and Stelvio out, and the merely rain-and-snow-slammed Passo del Tonale in, and even Saturday's stage profile damn near anyone's guess, there's plenty o' room for carnage. And *so* close Samu'--glad to see you're getting your legs, and your confidence, back! Tomorrow's revised corsa rosa:

You Ask Him--No, *You* Ask Him: meantime, gracious as Cadel was in today's defeat (and I hope he don't have to start defending his newly-confirmed Tour leadership to boot), the predictable "is he or isn't he" speculation is already a-swirl around poor hardworking Nibali, which, though certainly both healthy and reasonable, ought soon be quieted anyhow when Vinokourov sends a pack o' truncheon-wielding goons around to beat down everyone's computer and/or smartphone til they splinter into useless jagged smithereens. Uh, he's innocent Vino--we believe you, we swear it!

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Celebrity-Whoring Enabler Scorned: yep, never fear, faithful cycling fans: according to none other than UCI's Pat "Dick" McQuaid, since no-one's even doping anymore, minor problems like "barely any current effective testing" needn't worry you, and cycling is back from the abyss, baby! Oh, and did Pat "I'M FRIENDS WITH LANCE! I'M FRIENDS WITH LANCE! I'M--UH, I REALLY HATE LANCE!" McQ mention he *really* hates Lance Armstrong? Please, can't *someone* get this tool outta cycling--oh wait, Ireland tried to--nice job there Switzerland for saving his !@# and prolonging this farce!

Languedoc Ain't For Wussies: finally, congrats to Brit badass Emma Pooley for bagging the "chaotic" Tour de Languedoc, and even more, calling out the race organizers for the entire trainwreck. I'd love to show you some video, but then, this is women's cycling, so unfortunately, we seem to be screwed. All the same, right on Emma--maybe now they'll fix it for next year!

Last Call at the GC Cafe'; and, 1 More Day to Enter to Win!

It's the Bola del Mundo, Baby!: I'll give this to Alejandro Valverde (along with whatever else he's been given): whether it's gaining 3 seconds on a stage, like today, or 30, he ain't going down without a fight, so I expect 'im to give even tomorrow's excruciating climb relentless whacks for time til he completely cracks while Purito, I hope, will at least go for one last stage win. Y'know those Escher drawings with the staircases that go up and up and up til suddenly you're impossibly upside down? Yeah, that's the Bola del Mundo. Here, the profile: Hope y'all got fingernails, boys, 'cause when your legs and gears fail you you're gonna need 'em to claw up to the finish line!

Bite Me! Thor Was Sick!: okay, so we finally got our explanation for BMC's all-season suckfest: Thor and Cadel had viruses, and are curled up on their couches with their teddy bears before coming back to kick Classics and Grand Tour !@# next year. Get well soon guys--now quiet down and take your naps already!

Thanks, Pat "Dick", You Pig: well, nice work hosing women's cycling, you officious weenie--as if Pat "Dick" McQuaid's totally coincidentally proposing amnesty for busted dopers (at least, amnesty for the ones he's still in love with, since I see he's also now interested in what Lance's former teammates Dave Z Tommy Danielson and Vande Velde have to say)as soon as it looked inevitable that Armstrong was jacked and UCI was completely discredited as a pack of sycophant glory-slut cheat-enablers weren't bad enough--now Brit cycling Amazon Emma Pooley, tired of the women being forced to play ignored loser Ken to men's cycling's spectacular Barbie, is taking not only a likely year's sabbatical but also, possibly, calling it a damn career. !@@#$, people, would a guy of her stature have to bag her career because no freakin' team has decent funding--I mean, the !@#$in' Schlecks have jobs next year for !@#$'s sake!

One More Time, Honey!: and, as Liquigas studpuppy/2010 Vuelta champ Vincenzo Nibali is declared the lucky winner of our Week 2 Contest Three-Week Rider Insult Moratorium, there's one last chance to call the Vuelta, gain immortality, and make me be nice to someone I hate. Look, here's Vincenzo: ain't he cute? Anyway, enter here to win! a Rafflecopter giveaway