It's Yer Vuelta a Espana in Preview, Part Dos!: The GC Contenders, and 'Nother Stuff

Yep, the glorious Vuelta is really nigh--woo-hoo! So now that we know all about the course--which, basically, is "!@#$ I hate team trials I already have to make up 59 seconds," "up," "more up," "seriously up," "Jesus can we get a !@#$in' rest day already?" and "ow, !@#$!"--who's our contenders for the coveted golden jersey of General Classification champ in Madrid? These 'uns:

Samuel Sanchez (Euskaltel): shut up! will too! bite me! Fresh from skipping the Tour, and with the major pressure of both team leader and Carrying His Squad Off Into History (aaaiaaiiiiiigggghhhhh!) With a Noble Unforgettable Bang, Samu' is rested from skipping the Tour, kindly escorted dark horse rival/good bud Ivan Basso up the decisive climb barely a week past, and is trying hard to put the team's troubles aside to focus on his beloved home race. Plus, his squad is desperate to put on a serious farewell show for their screaming heartbroken local orange-army fans. Podium, dammit!

Alejandro Valverde (Movistar): screwed at the Tour by a crosswind and the Worst Timed Mechanical in All Human History, but still scrappy enough (and up against a depleted Contador enough) to handsomely come back, everyone's favorite blood ba--uh, catastrophically erratic powerhouse is interested in revenge, and to reclaim the Grand Tour that should've been his. Who's not here and who he doesn't have to nursemaid (to be fair, like the kid even needs it): mountain freak-o'-nature Nairo Quintana, so he's got the whole team at his disposal no matter what happens, like he forgets to eat and bonks spectacularly, he's really unhappy with the way "American Idol" is going, he develops an exceedingly distracting hangnail, or his bike spontaneously explodes when some hapless caring fan tosses water over Alejandro to cool 'im on a climb and it reacts badly with the rocket fuel leaking from a hidden canister in his top tube. Good luck, Alejandro--though let's be honest, it squicks out an awful lotta people when you win stuff!

Vincenzo Nibali: heralded as the likely winner as he rested up and sat out July, and also really, really wants Paolo Bettini to back him for the Worlds, but here's his prob: he put on a bucket o' lead weight on his !@# and didn't (and sorta couldn't) train during his obligatory post-Giro victory tours of Italy and Kazakhstan, had a sludgy Tour o' Poland, and has been psyched out being publicly lectured by his team management ever since. Major Plus: Alexandre Vinokourov will personally and with the bonus assistance of large hired goons break his !@#$in' legs into a million tiny toothpicks if he doesn't win anyway. There is nothing to fear but fear itself, Vincenzo--and Vino, so hunker down and ride like you mean it, or else!

Joaquim Rodriguez (Katusha): honest, what can't Purito do? Yes, he's tired like everyone else from the Tour, but he is consistent, he is tranquillo, he is wily, and even out of his mind with exhaustion he's still capable of a surprise punch. More, he is expert at gauging the relative weaknesses of his rivals and conserving or blowing his own resources accordingly. We love you Purito--but we still hope Samu' kicks your !@#!

Who the Hell Knowses: yep, there's Ivan all right, jacked out of his darling and reliable Giro and still the Tour with a disgusting golf-ball-sized cyst of the nether regions. Still, even as he ages like a fine preservative-stuffed cheese, our formerly amazingly arrogant Next Lance can sneak in under the radar with modest expectations, his slow-n'-steady rather'n showily (ex)Contadorian style, and some bizarrely !@#$ luck for the other GC guys. In bocca al lupo, Ivan--you're gonna need it! Other folks to watch: Sky's 2012 superdomestique climber Sergio Henao, Tour de France absolute Contador savior Roman Kreuziger, and even, it's rumored (hyped, whatever), Garmin and we love Ireland's Dan Martin. Chris Horner sez so too, but holy moly--have you *seen* who he's up against for heck's sake?

Who Ain't Here: the aforementioned Quintana, the broken dispirited totally-whipped utterly-in-hiding Contador, and Tour champ Chris Froome. What is he, an idiot he'd take the PR chance of chokin' on this gig after his fantabulous July?

Fun Stuff to Watch: can Philippe Gilbert finally break the Curse of the Rainbow Jersey and get a !@#damn stage already, or will it be left up to perpetual BMC cleanup-crew Marco Pinotti to take it home? Can Tyler Farrar get a win here before the mountains slaughter 'im or what? Have Bauke Mollema and Theo Bos recovered enough from July to inspire continued confidence that they can live up to their breathless bodice-ripper press-hype? Why the !@#$ is Cofidis even here besides the fact they have to be? And, keep yer eye on' Giro d'Italia Holy Crap I Can't Believe They Gave Contador's Victory to This Clown winner Michele Scarponi of all people, gettin' older, pissing off Lampre with his involvement in yet another systemic team doping scandal so why are they all mad at him those ludicrous hypocrites if they egged him on to do it, and dearly hoping for continued employment. Yep, as usual, all the real fun'll be in the sideshow--so let's keep our eyes on the main stage, but enjoy the freak show outside!

All right, dear reader: it's time for the along-with-the-Giro the bitchinest race of the year, and darling Euskaltel, time for the team TT of your lives!

Sure, I Can Bull!@#$ A Lie Detector Test; and, No-One Cares if I Did It Anyway!

Lance Just Keeps Getting Classier: yes, as official confirmation of what pretty well everyone except dear Phil Liggett already thought for years continues to sink in to the pure and innocent peloton--the two USPostalDiscovery riders who weren't deemed important enough to be Lance's beeyotch anyway--Lance's defense keeps gettin' more weird and skeezy, with his attack-team now saying (1) Lance'd probably be perfectly willing to take a lie detector test, since if yer garden-variety in-bred criminal sociopath can pass one due to lack of a recognizable moral compass, the far superior Lance could totally do it even better, and (2) nobody in hero-worship-central--y'know, AMERICA, which hates cancer and commies unlike those effete spandex-wearin' wussies over in Europe--even cares that he *did* dope, anyway. Ha-ha! Yep, it just proves that we here in AMERICA do it better'n everybody else--again! It ain't *our* fault those mo-rons in Franceland or Spainville or whatever can't do nothin' right--now pass me some Bud, gimme them nachos, and turn the TV on to a *real* sport, like FOOTBALL!

Your "No !@#$, Sherlock!" Comment o' the Week: and, many thanks to former WADA prez Dick "Dick" Pound for his sage observation that UCI *must've* known something was going on with Lance and Postal for years on end, mainly because, y'know, it's funny how Postal riders in particular were left alone for 18 hours before and after they won a race before they were escorted to doping controls, or, uh, nobody questioned the pack mules carrying large boxes labeled "EPO" to the team bus in the Alps, or, well, it *was* maybe a little odd that "room service" was dressed in lab coats every time they delivered IV bottles full of "champagne" and "condiments" contained in little syringes that apparently got injected into the "hamburgers" with long sharp needles. Jeez, no *wonder* the poor bastids who had some narc lookin' over their shoulder every time they had to get up to pee in the middle o' night their whole careers are so outraged! Man, next thing you'll be saying the anti-doping agencies found nothin' weird about all those bags of medical waste being found in team musettes in the hotel dumpster after every Tour stage...

Oh, Right, We Watch This For the *Racing*: last but not least, many compliments after a hugely crap week for the sport to we love Joaquim Rodriguez, Chris Froome's--uh, Brad Wiggins'--Team Sky, and the fabulous nation of Spain for their officially-awarded (if previously-actually-known) UCI WorldTour wins. Am I the only one just slightly, slightly, slightly rooting for Astana to kick everyone's !@#es next season? Oh, yeah, forza Vinokourov--even if you aren't pulling all that crazy !@#$ on the actual bike any more!

It's the 2012 Vuelta a Espana Racejunkie Awards!; and, Yer Final Contest Winner

Well, Alberto Contador's returned (eventually) in triumph, a really smashing edge-o'-your-seat Vuelta a Espana is behind us, the Worlds are ahead of us, and it's time for the incredibly prestigious 2012 Vuelta a Espana Racejunkie Awards!

Tour, Schmour Award: let's get this outta the way first: in 2012, the Giro was great, the Tour was weak, but this year's Vuelta was the best Grand Tour we've seen in *years*. Sure, the riders are still curled up on the floor of their team buses in fetal positions clutching their quads and sobbing for mama--but what's not fun about that? Bravo to the organizers--and let's hope at least a few strong contenders aren't too scared out of their minds to participate again next year!

Well, *Somethin'* Ain't Right There Prize: don't say you weren't thinking it, Pinocchio--when Contador couldn't drop Purito on three consecutive Alberto-perfect mountain stages in week 2, it sure didn't look like just some out-of-practice racing legs were the glitch. Oh, come on, I like the flashy little twerp too--but really, you didn't wonder just a *little* bit?

Holy !@#$ Save o' the Vuelta: yep, it's a two-fer for our tranquillo doe-eyed Pistolero--his blazing attack on (dang, well before) Fuentes De'. Perfect tactics that will be minutely studied by wannabes in trouble for years to come. Don't tell me I alone remember how much this kid had to learn about strategery just a few short seasons ago!

Oh, *No*! Bawling Blubberin' Scenario o' Doom Prize: in a related award, poor, broken lord o' the climbs Purito, who even rode the time trial of his life for heck's sake, being so totally caught unawares by Alberto's freak attack on the fateful Fuentes De'. Was I the only one who wanted to run up to him afterwards with his teddy bear and a lollipop?

Punk-!@# Move o' the Race: Alejandro Valverde. Really? Attacking former leader/3d place finisher Rodriguez for the points jersey in the very last move of the race? Okay, technically he had the right. But why would he act on it, except to be a colossal !@#$? You already *got* second, Alejandro--drop on anvil on Purito's package too whydontcha?

Uh, He Was Riding? Prize: sorry, but former Vuelta champ (shut up! I'm still glum about Roberto Heras! shut up!) Denis Menchov. It was great he bagged a stage win tho!

Crash o' the Vuelta: no-one was even really hurt for once, and thank goodness for that, but for drama it's no contest, Alejandro Valverde's 50-odd second loss--by Sky attack or by accident--at Valdezcaray. Karma's a bitch, ain't it?--and quit cryin' already, you lost by more than that anyway!

Is There *Any* Sport Spain Don't Kick !@# In? Statuette o' Exasperation Award: two minutes between the top boys on the podium, then even the closest guy a cool ten--ten!--minutes back. !@#$in' insult moratorium--anyway, you know who you are!

Sticktoitveness Award: there's sprints at the Vuelta? Up to the very last day, that you have to ride over 8 bazillion mountains to get to? Well, he did grab a season's worth of wins in two weeks doin' it--well done John Degenkolb!

Wily Stealth Move o' the Race: Euskaltel-Euskadi, intentionally keepin' it low-key without even a single stage win, juuuuuuuust to take the unsuspecting peloton by surprise next year. Right on, Orange Armada--see you on top o' the podium in 2013!

!@#$-You Moment o' the Vuelta: take his Giro, take his Tour--AC's still takin' it to the bank, mother!@#$ers! Yep, in a perfect flashback to Armstrong at his last Tour de France, Alberto's 7-finger salute to UCI on the roll up to the line, one for each Grand Tour he's got and a couple they think he don't. Brilliant!

Class Act of the Race: Purito, every single damn day. Pride without braggadocio, defeat without blame, sportsmanship without pettiness--on that alone, Rodriguez gets the win, so I really hope we see him do it one day!

Well, them's my awards--so crack the champagne, hide the syringes, and let's get ready for next year!

And, Our Contest Winner: finally, with major bonus points to those of you who generously brown-nosed for Euskaltel and offered even more creative responses, our Part Tres contest winner, straight from the Holy Once-Eroski Cap-o'-Destiny is: Jez! Jez, check yer email, pick yer lucky rider-winner, and the rest of you--thanks ever so much for playing, and if Andy Schleck don't suck, I may even run this during the Tour next time! Naaaaaah....

Last Call at the GC Cafe'; and, 1 More Day to Enter to Win!

It's the Bola del Mundo, Baby!: I'll give this to Alejandro Valverde (along with whatever else he's been given): whether it's gaining 3 seconds on a stage, like today, or 30, he ain't going down without a fight, so I expect 'im to give even tomorrow's excruciating climb relentless whacks for time til he completely cracks while Purito, I hope, will at least go for one last stage win. Y'know those Escher drawings with the staircases that go up and up and up til suddenly you're impossibly upside down? Yeah, that's the Bola del Mundo. Here, the profile: Hope y'all got fingernails, boys, 'cause when your legs and gears fail you you're gonna need 'em to claw up to the finish line!

Bite Me! Thor Was Sick!: okay, so we finally got our explanation for BMC's all-season suckfest: Thor and Cadel had viruses, and are curled up on their couches with their teddy bears before coming back to kick Classics and Grand Tour !@# next year. Get well soon guys--now quiet down and take your naps already!

Thanks, Pat "Dick", You Pig: well, nice work hosing women's cycling, you officious weenie--as if Pat "Dick" McQuaid's totally coincidentally proposing amnesty for busted dopers (at least, amnesty for the ones he's still in love with, since I see he's also now interested in what Lance's former teammates Dave Z Tommy Danielson and Vande Velde have to say)as soon as it looked inevitable that Armstrong was jacked and UCI was completely discredited as a pack of sycophant glory-slut cheat-enablers weren't bad enough--now Brit cycling Amazon Emma Pooley, tired of the women being forced to play ignored loser Ken to men's cycling's spectacular Barbie, is taking not only a likely year's sabbatical but also, possibly, calling it a damn career. !@@#$, people, would a guy of her stature have to bag her career because no freakin' team has decent funding--I mean, the !@#$in' Schlecks have jobs next year for !@#$'s sake!

One More Time, Honey!: and, as Liquigas studpuppy/2010 Vuelta champ Vincenzo Nibali is declared the lucky winner of our Week 2 Contest Three-Week Rider Insult Moratorium, there's one last chance to call the Vuelta, gain immortality, and make me be nice to someone I hate. Look, here's Vincenzo: ain't he cute? Anyway, enter here to win! a Rafflecopter giveaway

Holy Fakeout, Contador!; And, Enter to Win Our Week Three Contest!

Come Sail Away/Come Sail Away/Come Sail Away With Me (If You Can): y'know, I honestly don't know which looks worse--Contador's just blowing after his ban, or Contador blowing Purito outta the water after his ban. And if weren't for the sheer strategic masterpiece that made this amazing result possible, frankly, I'd be diving desperately right now for my happy rainbow trusting place, which is still a smoking ruin from like 2006. But nice fakeout pimping the Bola del Mundo at the press conference yesterday Alberto, and dang, that must've been one hell of a rest day! Still, I'm quite crushed for Rodriguez, who really was earning this Vuelta bravely against Alberto's two-week-long string of fruitless ankle-nipper attacks, which apparently whacked 'im all at once today and who, of course, took his devastating loss with sportsmanship and grace. Say what the hell you want about Alberto and Bjarne (and I will), but this was just !@#$in' brilliant. So do the last five minutes if you must, but man, if you've got more time to burn, watch the incredible scene play out!:

News Shorts: meantime, I could go on with the in-depth analysis that the following items deserve, but because I love both my faithful readers I'll keep this mercifully short: Tyler's still wankin', Pat "Dick" McQuaid's still wussily proclaiming Armstrong-neutrality and screwing women's cycling, Andy Schleck's still out of commission and still needs to learn to (1) freakin' descend already and (2) ride without his brother, and, last but not least, clean-sport advocate Jonathan Vaughters has officially outed Tommy D, Christian Vande Velde, and Dave Zabriskie as ex-dopers, but *does* at least admit he won't work with Jorg Jaksche not because he's a doper, but because he's an !@#hole. Ugh, glad we got all that out on the table--please, can we get the women some !@#damn airtime for once and get back to actual bike racing now?

Name That Podium!: finally, enter here to win Part Tres of our contest--may eternal glory (and bitchin' prizes) be yours! a Rafflecopter giveaway

The Race of Truth Spills Its Guts: Lookin' Good, Purito!

The Mountains Are Comin', The Mountains Are Comin'!: okay, Froome actually went pretty well today despite everyone dope-smackin' 'im for choking before he even got off the bike, considering he's gonna c--damn Insult Moratorium!--and Alberto, though as far as I can see not quite the time trialist he was when he first suddenly improved overnight in the discipline like a freak, definitely looked at home for maybe the first time this Vuelta. But for my money, the most exciting ride of the day by far was Joaquim Rodriguez, who not only smashed everyone's expectations even on a hilly course by only losing about a minute on the day to his main rivals instead of his usual, y'know, week'n'a half, but also set himself and all of us up for a thrillingly close mano-a-mano with Alberto in the high passes that could, if no-one bonks spectacularly, leave this race a nail-biter til the very end. Does *anyone* think this year's Tour de France holds a candle to this spectacular race? Meantime, it sure wasn't happy time out there for our dear Igor Anton, whose recently stated predilection for Norwegian black-metal music (got me, man, I just report this !@#$) might more productively be replaced by some nice upbeat techno music in his warmups, and for dear defending champ Juanjo Cobo, who might still get back in the game for maybe a stage win or two (bite me! will too!). Anyhoo, good on Alberto for not having to waste Saxo's limited energy on defending the red jersey for a few more days, the time-losin' crash early in the Vuelta is gonna be least of Valverde's problems this weekend, and Froome--there's a brief respite tomorrow with still a steep nasty dig of a Cat-3 final climb that the other three shouldn't be willing to kill themselves over, if I were you I'd grab any little gap you can!

Now *That's* Just Weak: look, the big boys doping to win a Grand Tour, or heck even some dipwad little race that might bag you a better paycheck next year, I get. I don't approve of it, I don't respect it, I think it blows unless I personally like the rider doing it, but I get it. But what the !#$% is with this season's scourge of freakin' Masters nimrods gettin' busted for drugs? Is it a desperate need for even modest hometown glory? Are they looking to take some high honcho's place in the big leagues when he falls on his dirty cheating World Tour !@# (well, syringe)? Look, you clowns, moral questions aside, as the Armstrong case proves, successful doping is a rich-and-well-protected rider's game--so suck up your limitations, and keep it to the energy gels and Red Bull you eejits!

Enter to Win!: and, don't forget to slag or praise Valverde, or better yet, brown-nosingly if irrelevantly slobber over the fabulous Euskaltel in our Week 2 contest, and win free stuff! a Rafflecopter giveaway

It's a Showdown At the Last Chance Cafe'!

You Got Six Hours, Rodriguez! (And Basso, And Scarponi, And...): all right, I could be eating my words by lunchtime, but let's be honest: they couldn't drop him on Pampeago, and they're all crap time trialists, so unless Ryder has a spectacular bonk today, they ain't likely to drop him for more'n enough than a stage win on the Mortirolo and Stelvio, either, and there's a maglia rosa with Hesjedal's name on it in Milan. Too bad for tension's sake they aren't closer against the clock, right? Though Purito has sucked less than usual this year. Anyway, they've still got a chance, so good luck, boys--and damn, it'll really blow if all those domestiques from Liquigas did all that work the last three weeks for nothin', Ivan you at least owe 'em a podium! Vai Ryder...and Purito...aw heck, I am *so* conflicted on this one!

Game On at the Giro, Baby--For Most of 'Em, Anyway!

The GC Heats Up and Shakes Out: what an exciting day in the saddle, as Rodriguez Scarponi Basso (finally laying down the law on his own) and Hesjedal surge and the GC finally starts--but only just starts--to take shape. Still, Basso and Scarponi have a lot of time to make up, and Purito needs even more time on Hesjedal ahead of his inevitable monster suckage in the time trial--but damn, that kid is an all-terrain threat, and who doesn't love our neighbors in the Great White North? Forza Ryder--uh, Rodriguez--uh--oh, just let the best man win! Here, Scarponi's scramble to glom back on and the gruppetto's hotly contested run to the line:

Run, Roman, Run!: of course, the big loss today goes to Astana's really very talented Roman Kreuziger, schlepping in a humiliating 11-odd minutes back, dashing his much-hyped GC hopes and drawing the distinct ire of his directeur sportif, who's already suggesting he can kiss his team leadership goodbye. Y'know, that's a bummer and all, but what I'd *really* be afraid of is pissing off famously intemperate de facto Astana head Alexandre "I Will Gut You Like a Pig, You Failure!" Vinokourov--the hell with bicycles, Roman, steal a freakin' moto or something and get the hell outta there *now*!

My Besotted Uncynical Rah-Rah Moment: check it out--Euskaltel jailbait Jon "Rockstar" Izaguirre for the stage-16 win at the Giro in, for heck's sake, his first-ever Grand Tour debut. Suck that, you big-budget ProTour big-shots--and keep your dirty thieving money-dripping mitts off Euskaltel's talent you bastards!

Good News For RadioSkank (And Goodness Knows They Need It): no, not that desperate ostentatious bull!@#$ "nothin' to see here, move on folks!" love-fest between Frank Schleck and Johan Bruyneel--after the Crappiest Collarbone Break of All Time, Fabian Cancellara's mercifully back in action at the unfortunately named Bayern Rundfahrt, which means that between, say, him and Horner, they'll be able to salvage at least two wins for the squad at the Tour de France this year. Welcome back, Fabian--and please, stay safe and upright the rest of the season!

*Now* We've Got Ourselves Some Races!

Pur(ito) Adrenalin: yes, as the Giro heads upwards at last, it's already a battle royale amongst the week-3 GC contenders, as stealth candidate Hesjedal relinquishes the maglia rosa to Joaquim Rodriguez who was really only here to practice, Basso continues his reign of quiet competence, and even Frank Schleck managed to scare the nuts off the Italians for a stage or two before he bonked it today. Could it be everyone's favorite big brother could pull off a podium on a grand tour he'd barely prepared for, now that we've all forgotten what a fine contender he is when he isn't on little-brother nose-wiping duty? Or is Johan Bruyneel gonna yank him out before the finish line in a panic-and-regret-driven move to keep him fresh to boost Andy in July? Will anyone else remember how ludicrous it is that Scarponi is sitting in as moral compass/anointed victor for Contador? All will be answered, dear tifosi--stay tuned, and let's just get through these last coupla sprint stages til the first high passes this weekend!

RadioSkank and Quick Step Talk Smack: y'know, I'll admit it--I thought evergood Chris Horner was just joking when he suggested Levi Leipheimer was "playing possum" with his pre-race "I'm no way close to being able to win" cool-out, but when Levi got notably pissed back at him, and then big bodacious Boonen had to step in to calm things down, I can come to only one conclusion: Johan Bruyneel is a colossal wanker, and this is shaping up to be a far better Tour o' California than I'd hoped. All that, and Jens and Sagan, too? First one o' you to pose next to Boonen while dressed in a gladiator outfit (you, not Tommeke this time) gets a free racejunkie hat--and no Photoshoppin'!

Oh, And BTW Octomom is Bankrupt: in "what the !@#$ is *that* doing here?" news, Lance is on slutty (non-cycling) gossip website TMZ as he continues his "I'm a Hero! Screw You!" campaign by appearing on some new talk show. Look, you can vote on his innocence, too--wait, or is that for the "Would You Rather Do Kim or Khloe Kardashian" poll?

Eeeeeeeeeewwwwww!, Or, Give Your Soigneur A Raise, Or Else!: finally, a warning for every smugly doping cycling starlet--watch who you're hiring to jam that needle in yer !@#, 'cause if he's anything like Roger Clemens' strength coach, he just may be grabbing a swab o' your butt-DNA to prove he was injecting you with dope and insulate himself from Lancian "you lie!" attacks years from now. Uh, not to intrude into these very intimate relationships, but am I the only one who thinks a few team helpers' shut-up pay just increased another, oh, 300% just now?