All right, I call bull!@#$: that the winner of the 2013 freakin' Vuelta a Espana couldn't pull a WorldTour or Pro Continental gig was crap enough, but that his new squad doesn't even get a wild-card invitation to the Amgen EPO Tour of California is !@#$in' ridiculous. Who the hell and how hard could you possibly have to butt-kiss to get into that (admittedly very fine) race?! So as usual, we've gotta step in to fix the situation, and here it is: a call for a new WorldTour, all-events-invited cycling squad, Team Desiccated Old Guys! The criteria:
(1) You're 35 plus;
(2) you can still open a can of whup-!@# on half the peloton, hereby defined as, crash-out DNFs excepted, you are (a) a top-15 finisher, if designated team leader; (b) making the time cut, if a nut-busting top lieutenant or lead-out; or (c) in the top 75%, if you're a bidon-schlepping domestique monkey; and
(3) Jaysus, !@#$in' Davide Rebellin still gets to race, so why can't you?!
By my reckoning, this means: Horner's got a coupla more seasons; Jens has got another decade; Marianne Vos will be riding for 45 years after she's eligible to collect whatever the heck her country's version of Social Security; and that freak Valverde'll be in team kit 'til the actual geological end of time. Well, having solved this catastrophe, all we need now is a sponsor. Why not that crazy s.o.b. Tinkov, he'll be pulling ludicrous feats of physical exertion 'til well into the 23rd century?--now Horner, get back on your bike, back in the game, and enjoy the Tour of California!
Back off, Beeyotch!: Well, Froome, if his constant strip-tease over whether he'll show you his team leadership at the Tour didn't convince you yet, this oughta do the trick: after a coupla lackluster days in the saddle, and even given his Colombian lieutenants' hasty diss that they're "not [you]" and don't plan to backstab Wiggo at the Giro, Sir Brad is tentatively possibly theoretically ready to support Rigoberto Uran Uran for the GC in the Giro. Uh oh, you know what *that* means--he no longer thinks he's fighting for number 1 in Italy, and whether or not he's suited to the course this year or not, he wants his chance at Paris *back*! No offense, Chris, but my money sez that if that guitar-twanging royal puts his foot down, you're gonna be tossed into the bushes like an empty drool-soaked water bottle. Well, I'm sure you won't mind giving Wiggo a hand (hell, a whole body) up the mountains in France--you sure were a good sport about it last year!
California Here I Come: meantime, over at the Amgen EPO Tour of California, stage-winning sprinter Peter Sagan playfully grabbed noted actor Robert Downey Jr.'s !@# at the podium presentation, upon which Downey immediately morphed into Iron Man and pounded Sagan 300 miles into the Earth's mantle with a single blow. Bonus--it took the focus off the extremely widespread and gnarly press coverage of poor Ivan Basso's nut-al region cyst. Anyway, Peter, be grateful that's all you got for yer shenanigans this time--and congrats on another great win!
1. Either Peter Sagan is the Next Lance Armstrong, or that kid is doped to the gills. Wait, wouldn't that make him the Next Lance Armstrong anyway?
2. Every time Jens Voigt talks about retiring, isn't it like the sky's suddenly turned black, the earth's opened up beneath your feet, and a giant plague o' locusts has just whacked you smack in the face?
4. Dave Zabriskie. !@#damn, his upper body is absolutely motionless in a time trial. How the hell does he do it, Botox?
5. Pat "Dick" McQuaid--Alberto Contador just lies awake at night thinkin' of ways to piss you off every day, doesn't he? It's *gotta* be killin' ya!
6. If David Millar *really* felt so crappy about doping, he'd turn down his Olympic spot even though the rules now say he *can* ride.
7. The only consolations whatsoever about Robbie McEwen calling it a career are (1) he's gonna coach other sprinters in the fine art of trash-talk and (2) Roberto Ferrari's even more of a wingnut. Why head-butt a rival when you can just bring 50 of 'em down into the barriers?
8. Saturday and Sunday at the Giro. Yap, Baldy, yap--this weekend we hit the real mountains, honey, and the race of truth begins in the Alps--forza Purito!
9. I don't *what* the hell kind of painkillers Levi Leipheimer's gotta be on to ride the way he's ridin', but don't tell me you wouldn't take 'em!
10. The Giro d'Italia really fixed things this year. It's much, much better for the riders to have to navigate incredibly narrow 180 degree turns 300 feet from the line on every stage, than to have a bunch of those "mountain" things. Good work guys!
I Feel Love: finally, the Giro d'Italia has announced it will have a special tribute to Donna Summer tomorrow, and tifosi, let's get it started right here: Thank you Donna!
Pur(ito) Adrenalin: yes, as the Giro heads upwards at last, it's already a battle royale amongst the week-3 GC contenders, as stealth candidate Hesjedal relinquishes the maglia rosa to Joaquim Rodriguez who was really only here to practice, Basso continues his reign of quiet competence, and even Frank Schleck managed to scare the nuts off the Italians for a stage or two before he bonked it today. Could it be everyone's favorite big brother could pull off a podium on a grand tour he'd barely prepared for, now that we've all forgotten what a fine contender he is when he isn't on little-brother nose-wiping duty? Or is Johan Bruyneel gonna yank him out before the finish line in a panic-and-regret-driven move to keep him fresh to boost Andy in July? Will anyone else remember how ludicrous it is that Scarponi is sitting in as moral compass/anointed victor for Contador? All will be answered, dear tifosi--stay tuned, and let's just get through these last coupla sprint stages til the first high passes this weekend!
RadioSkank and Quick Step Talk Smack: y'know, I'll admit it--I thought evergood Chris Horner was just joking when he suggested Levi Leipheimer was "playing possum" with his pre-race "I'm no way close to being able to win" cool-out, but when Levi got notably pissed back at him, and then big bodacious Boonen had to step in to calm things down, I can come to only one conclusion: Johan Bruyneel is a colossal wanker, and this is shaping up to be a far better Tour o' California than I'd hoped. All that, and Jens and Sagan, too? First one o' you to pose next to Boonen while dressed in a gladiator outfit (you, not Tommeke this time) gets a free racejunkie hat--and no Photoshoppin'!
Oh, And BTW Octomom is Bankrupt: in "what the !@#$ is *that* doing here?" news, Lance is on slutty (non-cycling) gossip website TMZ as he continues his "I'm a Hero! Screw You!" campaign by appearing on some new talk show. Look, you can vote on his innocence, too--wait, or is that for the "Would You Rather Do Kim or Khloe Kardashian" poll?
Eeeeeeeeeewwwwww!, Or, Give Your Soigneur A Raise, Or Else!: finally, a warning for every smugly doping cycling starlet--watch who you're hiring to jam that needle in yer !@#, 'cause if he's anything like Roger Clemens' strength coach, he just may be grabbing a swab o' your butt-DNA to prove he was injecting you with dope and insulate himself from Lancian "you lie!" attacks years from now. Uh, not to intrude into these very intimate relationships, but am I the only one who thinks a few team helpers' shut-up pay just increased another, oh, 300% just now?
Rest Days Are for Pansies: yep, after Contador's monster mental--not to mention physical--crushing of his rivals up Mt. Etna, it's back for a quick trip to the (relative) flat before the Dolomites kick in, and lucky Week 1 winner Joe has sadistically chosen the colorful Mark Cavendish as his Two-Week Rider Insult Moratorium bud! In which case, I gotta say: that was a very, very fine sprint today, Cav--well earned, and it's darned nice to see you back on form. Here's the finish: And you looked quite dashing in your team kit to boot. And you didn't ev--dammit! Must...control...mind...can't...touch...keyboard...
Call A Plastic Surgeon, Stat!: bad news for Ivan Basso--right as one of the most formidable, and certainly by far the prettiest, of the Tour de France GC contenders gets into the swing of pre-race training, our Liquigas pinup has a nasty fall on a tricky curve in Sicily, whacks the crap out of his shoulder and requires 15 stitches around his right eye and all over his cheek. Luckily, no broken bones, so though naturally declaring himself "really scared," Basso will gamely be back on the bike post-haste. Forza, Ivan--we all want the Tour to be the Battle of the Best, so don't let this little incidente psych you out!
In the Meadow We Can Build a Snowman: meantime, the Tour of California has wisely steered away the peloton from its scheduled trip to the Donner Pass--'cause not to get graphic here, primarily because I'd hurl, but the contents of a musette can only last so long if you know what I mean--and, after a coupla exciting sprints (Thor! Come *on* already!), it's back at last to not only warmer climes, but, even better, it's time for the mountains, honey! And, if my dear reader(s) across the pond will allow me just one rah-rah imperialist-pig America-n'-apple-pie moment, ain't it nice to see our domestic squads whomp the competition in their home stomping grounds? Yeah, take *that*, Euro-snobs! So what, the Americans still haven't quite won a stage yet...well, *you* pampered lap dogs try to do the job every day when American sports sponsors are spending all their dough on a pack of steroid-snorting NFL no-necks!
Finally: Enter here to win free stuff in the 2011 Giro d'Italia Racejunkie Win Free Stuff Contest! This week's bonus points: for anyone who gets a tat of Contador making that "pistolero" shot right on their !@#. Well, no bonus points technically, exactly--but hey, won't your mama be *proud*?
So, Is It Over?: look, either Alberto Contador's a total genetic freak and his DNA is half-cheetah, or he's been ingesting the entire domestic output of the Spanish cow industry for the last 14 years of his life. Either way, the question remains: barring total catastrophe, like his bike spontaneously combusting into flaming dust every day at the bottom of the Dolomites, or Menchov and Nibali ramping up on even worse !@#$ than Contatwerp's (allegedly! but he isn't really!) taking, is it already time to award the final maglia rosa pack it up and all go home for this Giro? Me, I'm convinced that if I weigh in with "yes," he'll totally accidentally be run over back-and-forth repeatedly by the Liquigas team car on the way back to the hotel this afternoon, but I gotta admit, it ain't lookin' good for the rest of 'em. Oh well, at least Garzelli already admitted he's only "going for a stage win"! Meantime, Alberto, how many !@#damn times do we have to say this--your legs are *already* doing the talking, would you CUT IT OUT with that !@#damn snot-nosed "pistolero" crap before the Italians really get pissed and drain half your freakin' blood out lookin' for evidence every night?
Oh, All Right, It's the Amgen EPO You Suck For Screwing the Giro Tour of California: y'know, if it's *still* gonna be snowy in May, you might as well make the peloton cut the whining and move the stupid thing back to February, but since there's guys I actually like in the race--and it *is* becoming a useful way to scope out the emerging forms of the Giro-skippin' Tour de France riders--I guess I'd be even more of an !@# than usual if I didn't at least acknowledge it, so here's the scoop: Thor, Dave Z, Ryder, Horner, Tejay, Hincapie, Christian, Levi, Oscar Freire, and, best of all, Jens are riding it, stage 1's hilly, stage two's mostly downhill then flat, and after that, I'm just too darned annoyed to report for now. You go, Dave Z--and where exactly the hell's the fun in this race if Tom Boonen's not riding it this year?
Damage Control: finally, I see UCI's finally focusing on issues of substance related to doping in the peloton: how exactly WADA can nail the bastards who keep making the rider-protecting hypocrite enablers at UCI look bad by leaking, well, true stuff. Glad to see the war on drugs is on target, UCI! Next up: UCI shuts down the factory that made Alberto Contador's socks the day he got caught doping at the Tour de France. You *show* 'em, UCI you bad-!@#es!
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