It's The 100th Giro d'Italia! A Short Tribute to Michele Scarponi at the Giro

Look, there's no doubt that, with the tragic and untimely death of Michele Scarponi, the 100th edition of the mitico Giro d'Italia will start off, as it will finish, with inestimable grief and loss. And lest there be any tinge of hypocrisy on my end, let me state unequivocally that I stand by every wiseacre thing I ever blogged, tweeted, or said about him in the 11 year history of this wretched screed. But it also can't be denied that Scarponi's ineffable mix of showmanship, grinta, human frailty, and utter ease as either a captain or painfully self-sacrificing superdomestique were quintessially, well, Giro. So with that in mind, a brief tribute to the history of Michele Scarponi at the most beautiful race on earth:

2202: In his maiden Giro, with Acqua e Sapone, Michele bags a fine 18th overall. Not bad for a whippersnapper!

2003: Now with Domina Vacanze (oh! these lovely lost squads!), Scarponi goes two better in the general classification. Steady!

2004: What the hell? Why wasn't he here?

2005: Now with Liberty Seguros, Michele still finishes, this time at a yeoman's 47th. Just you wait though, until...

2006: As Operacion Puerto unfolds, taking half the active peloton and his own squad's now-notorious management with it, Scarponi DNFs. And of course, he misses 2007 and 2008 as well, leading to...

2009: A new gig at Androni, where he superdomestiques the great Gilberto Simoni, wins stage 6 on a solo break, pockets a thrilla of a stage 18, *and* pulls off a wholly respectable 31st, a fine preview of...

2010: His breakout performance as a serious GC contender, taking a smashing Stage 19 mountain sprint over the returning Ivan Basso and a jailbait Vincenzo Nibali on his way to 4th overall, which brings him...

2011: To the Disney sparkle princesses at our beloved Lampre, where he takes the prestigious red points jersey and grabs the second step on the podium, 6 minutes down (and it's !@#damn impressive he did) on the year's winner, Alberto Contador (yeah, I stick by that!), proving it's no fluke when...

2012: Ryder Hesjedal wholly unexpectedly emerges triumphant, but Scarponi still claws his way to just-shy-of-the-final-podium in 4th again, before:

2013: He scrappily holds onto 4th again, until...

2014: Now with Astana and its erratic raging (but wily!) boss Vinokourov, even he finally bails on stage 16, after which...

2015: He takes this one off, until...

2016: When, in what would sadly turn out to be his final Giro appearance, he stops cold on a mountainside on the way to near-certain stage victory to hang back and help his struggling captain Vincenzo Nibali not only on the stage, but to seal the overall victory (and winning a prestigious 2016 Giro d'Italia racejunkie Award in the process). Grande Michele!

May the 2017 Giro d'Italia live up to his impressive legacy. Grazie Michele!

Horner Freaks Out!; Scarponi Looks S!@#$ed!; and, Like *Sanchez* Is the Biggest Prob in the Peloton?

#HireMeYou!@#$ers: yeah, you read it, or at least read the 24-hour stream of mocking tweets: Chris Horner's rabid rapid-fire twit-barrage of how he got to be the Vuelta champ he is today, how you're the lowly slacker worm you are, and how you better, ergo, start paying him tons of money to ride for your team next year. Look--I see how he might be very mad and all, that after years of intermittent (if intermittently brilliant) results, his passionate defense of Lance Armstrong against doping accusations after years of publicly slagging him which totally coincidentally stopped right when Johan Bruyneel hired 'im, and a clearly successful all-McNugget training diet, there's still some, well, slight suspicion about his recent achievement. Adding insult to injury, Europcar snottily announced today that Horner's agent tried to sell 'im for 750,000 euro and was harrumphingly dissed. But Horner, let's be honest here--leaving aside that you didn't actually win the Vuelta until after the big guns'd already blown their transfer-season budgets, *and* their terror of losing their sponsors and folding their team if you get popped, I think they're frankly worried that your incredibly advanced age of 400 makes this win, even if legit, a freak fluke, and at your age you're gonna just start droppin' limbs off like some rotting undead carcass zombie. So I get yer mad--now quit complainin', and get in line with everyone else still out of a job!

Scarpface: meantime, things ain't lookin' much better for Michele "I Can't Believe They Gave Contador's Giro Win to *Me*" Scarponi, who, reliable talent though he is, is having a hard time picking a team from all his lucrative offers, apparently one down though with Europcar having also smacked Scarponi's agent for sending an unsolicited unwanted e-mail and then claiming that's some sort of near deal. No offense to Michele, or Horner, but right on Europcar--really, they're gonna get more mileage outta some piddly Grand Tour champ(s) than the irresistible camera-whore breakaway antics of Thomas "the Grimace" Voeckler?

RaboBull!@#$: and, bad racing news but apparently a sweet payoff for stalwart stage winner Luis Leon Sanchez, who was ditched by RaboBlancoBelkin because he's been linked to too many doping stories. Jaysus, like *he's* the biggest liability in the peloton? Have you guys *noticed* what clowns are still getting paid hundreds of thousands or even millions of euros to actually *ride*, like right now, like next year, like 'til the next generation of dipwads gets busted and immediately rehired by equally morally outraged hypocrites? I mean, damn, I don't expect *anyone* who started over at Liberty Seguros, even as a baby, to've come outta there without some serious, well, nutritional advice, but Sanchez? When other squads are fielding Contador? Valverde? Scarponi? Sure, clean 'em out, I actually agree, but enjoy the two guys you actually got left...anyway, hope you do get a new gig if yer a cleanster an' all now LL, but one more spot open for a Euskie to grab, you hear that Igor Anton?

It Ain't Over 'Til Scarponi Whangs a Musette Into Uran's Face to Try to Grab a Podium Spot

Or Worse, Into His Hairdo: yes, just as I was about to screech like a swooning Schleck-fan over we love Samuel Sanchez' smashing uphill time trial at the Giro, maglia rosa Vincenzo Nibali crushed him--and Cadel's Giro-winning hopes--spiritually, but the podium's still wide open, 'cause (1) any freak thing can happen in this race and (2)either way, between Cadel Uran and Scarponi, at least with the snow-slammed Gavia and Stelvio out, and the merely rain-and-snow-slammed Passo del Tonale in, and even Saturday's stage profile damn near anyone's guess, there's plenty o' room for carnage. And *so* close Samu'--glad to see you're getting your legs, and your confidence, back! Tomorrow's revised corsa rosa:

You Ask Him--No, *You* Ask Him: meantime, gracious as Cadel was in today's defeat (and I hope he don't have to start defending his newly-confirmed Tour leadership to boot), the predictable "is he or isn't he" speculation is already a-swirl around poor hardworking Nibali, which, though certainly both healthy and reasonable, ought soon be quieted anyhow when Vinokourov sends a pack o' truncheon-wielding goons around to beat down everyone's computer and/or smartphone til they splinter into useless jagged smithereens. Uh, he's innocent Vino--we believe you, we swear it!

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Celebrity-Whoring Enabler Scorned: yep, never fear, faithful cycling fans: according to none other than UCI's Pat "Dick" McQuaid, since no-one's even doping anymore, minor problems like "barely any current effective testing" needn't worry you, and cycling is back from the abyss, baby! Oh, and did Pat "I'M FRIENDS WITH LANCE! I'M FRIENDS WITH LANCE! I'M--UH, I REALLY HATE LANCE!" McQ mention he *really* hates Lance Armstrong? Please, can't *someone* get this tool outta cycling--oh wait, Ireland tried to--nice job there Switzerland for saving his !@# and prolonging this farce!

Languedoc Ain't For Wussies: finally, congrats to Brit badass Emma Pooley for bagging the "chaotic" Tour de Languedoc, and even more, calling out the race organizers for the entire trainwreck. I'd love to show you some video, but then, this is women's cycling, so unfortunately, we seem to be screwed. All the same, right on Emma--maybe now they'll fix it for next year!

It's The Galibier, Baby!: Vincenzo Nibali Faces the Cold #giro

Lookin' Good Up There!: yep, it's the morning of the fateful (and snow-shortened) Galibier, baby, and here's the state of affairs as 6 a.m. this morning:

Nibali Takes It On: in related news, as fragile guys like Michele Scarponi froze so bad up the climb to Sestiere yesterday they were forced to cut off their interviews from shivering and glom their hands on their soigneur's necks to suck the warmth outta the poor sods, the impenetrable-to-cold Vincenzo Nibali, who alone among his bundled-up counterparts conquered the bitter mountain in a short-sleeved jersey and no gloves, announced yesterday in an official Team Astana press release that he's going to climb the Galibier today clad only in bike shoes and a jock strap. Vino been stickin' you in a meat locker for hours as punishment for poor training rides or something Nibali? Anyway, that major act o' psychological warfare--much less the breezy outfit--oughta scare the crap outta yer wimpy sun-lovin' competitors--forza, forza Vincenzo!

Here, the revised course:

UCI, Opposing Doping "Since the Dark Period of Lance Armstrong"--Because It Sure Didn't Police It for !@#$ Back Then

Right On, UCI!: so in response to a cool $2 million lawsuit by a disgruntled cycling sponsor, UCI's come out swinging: sure, it was useless *then*, but boy oh boy, are they on the warpath against doping *now*! The proof? Yep, UCI's...uh, investigating Alexandre Vinokourov for allegedly buying the 2010 Liege-Bastogne-Liege from Kolobnev. Take that, dopers! Y'know, leaving aside that UCI's got more important things to do at the moment--like, dissolve--I think you gotta *admire* Vino for his open-minded ability to change with the times. You can dope? You dope. You get accused of doping? You tell 'em to !@#$ off *and* threaten to rat 'em out. You can't dope anymore? You *buy* yourself a damn Monument! Look, not to get all political here, but isn't this the very essence of the free market we all know and love? So Kolobnev decides it's more in his economic self-interest to take a giant pile o' cash from Vinokourov than to wait and see if his Liege win pays off with a better contract next seas--um, notices that he's actually got a wicked leg cramp 6 centimeters from the line, big whoop! Oh, Vino, skeezebag of my heart, the peloton is gonna be *so* dull without you--Cav sending his goons up to bushwhack the competition just *can't* compare! Here, the fateful "win":

The Dumbest Freakin' Anti-Doping Idea *Ever*: and that's sayin' a *lot*, as Rabobank rider Juan Manuel Garate suggests that the peloton police itself, mainly by the deeply chastened elder riders thoroughly teaching the innocent younger tots what not to do. Like what, how not to safely store a bag o' yer own blood in the hotel-room mini-bar or how not to apply a drug patch to your nuts? Damn, between Indurain and Contador and Valverde and (sob!) Samu supporting Armstrong, and now Garate weighing in, the Spaniards are just *begging* to be brought down by the narcs nowadays...

Michele, My Belle: meantime, congrats to presumptive Giro champ Michele Scarponi, finally 'fessing up to taking two "training tests" with notorious doping doc Ferrari back in 2010 (and we all know the peloton had already stopped doping by then), but asking for some slack on the grounds that he didn't know Ferrari was on the banned list just because, oh, skywriters traced it in smoke over every !@#$in' race since like 2002, you idiot! I gotta say though, this mighta been plausible if (1) the authorities hadn't audiotaped Ferrari tellin' you you coulda won the Giro "with a bag" and (2)the Italian cycling fed were completely lobotomized...geez, just shut the hell up while you're ahead whydontcha?

You Suck, UCI!: finally, thanks again to UCI for wrecking the career of another hardworking domestique, this time the fine Joost Posthuma, with your dumb-!@# points system that's already destroyed my darling Euskaltel. Well, Froomey, at least with Wiggo's WorldTour points you've still got some backup left for the Tour de France next year--now can UCI fix this outrageous UCImess before it's just them and Contador for the grand tours?

It's Yer 2012 Giro d'Italia First-Day Rest-Day Roundup!

Well class, the first few days of the Giro are behind us, there's many more yet to come, and as the boys nurse their ambitions (and bruises) and plot their upcoming bushwhacks, let's ponder some of the valuable lessons we've learned:

1. Roberto Ferrari is one selfish mother!@#$er. Even if he *has* just been smacked into making an insincere apology.

2. I'm really glad Mark Cavendish is back to verbally abusing others, but if Cav were Robbie McEwen, he'd've chewed Ferrari's leg off his body yesterday like a meth-crazed pit bull.

3. Considering he's already the Most Cursed Maglia Rosa Ever, Taylor Phinney's conducted himself most graciously. Give that boy a gold star for etiquette!

4. Jeezus, could Denmark *have* any more road furniture?

5. Vincenzo Nibali's considering whether to reject a measly 1.8 million euro offer from Liquigas in favor of a cooler 2.5 mil from Alexandre "TAKE MY OFFER OR I KILL YOU, YOU WORM!" Vinokourov or BMC. Ivan Basso, I guess this means if you want the Tour de France next year, it's yours!

6. If you're gonna run the Amgen EPO You Suck Tour o' California during my beloved Giro, at least !@#damn do it during the flat stages. Like you haven't already decimated the Giro ranks enough--what the hell is *wrong* with you freaks?

7. Wow, there really *is* someone out there who time trials worse'n the Schlecks.

8. Can we just start going uphill already for chrissakes?

9. There's no need for Michele Scarponi to panic about the GC yet. He can wait until Lampre gets slaughtered in the team time trial for that.

10. Contador sez he knows the 2011 Giro is still really his, but sportingly pegs Scarponi as *this* year's favorite at least. Backhanded compliments much, Alberto?

It's the 2012 Giro d'Italia, Baby!; And, a Bonus Shout-Out to the Aussies

Yes, it's truly time for the fabulous Giro, and while the very concept of a "sprinter's Giro" makes me yack, there's still plenty o' mountainous suffering to be had in this gorgeous race, so here's Yer Official Guide to the 2012 Giro:

The Corsa: starts in Denmark, which is bitchin', but is pretty well flat the first week, which blows. Week 2: we start to hit the hills, honey, and begin to tease out out the GC hopefuls from the hopeless. The last week: the high passes at last, including a record-setting altitude-o'-agony on the fearsome Passo Stelvio *after* a same-stage slog up the Mortirolo. The prologue: a twisty, technical 8.7 kilometer time trial to put a bod into pink. Stay upright, boys--you got a looooooong way to go yet from here!

The Fast Men: like I'd care, but Thor, Benna-Jet, Mark Cavendish, and, most of all, heartbroken good-guy Tyler Farrar are there, and frankly, Hushovd better pull *something* off to make BMC forget his Classics. And go Cav--we're only going to see you for a few days anyway!

The Favorites: for the first time in a long time, there really ain't any. But Vuelta god Rodriguez wouldn't mind it, Ivan Basso needs it, and Roman Kreuziger--well, it'd sure've been nice for his beauty rest had Alexander Vinokourov'd not rashly marked him for 21 consecutive 3 a.m. wake-n'-pokes by the narcs by recently bragging a fellow Astana-ite had "won a race like Vino!" My question: without Contador's wheel to aspire to, will Michele Scarponi have the mental and physical wherewithal to take the whole show on his own? Here, an exclusive pic of Frank Schleck after hearing the news of his RadioSkank leadership from Johan Bruyneel:

The Climbers: crying in their Cheerios 'til about stage 8, basically, but thankfully, the Giro organizers haven't totally lameified the route. And while the GC freak out marking each other--Jose Rujano, the queen stage is yours!

And, Yet Another Reason Our Friends Down Under Just Rock: finally, while this has nothing to do with the Giro, it's still surely a sign of something good, as from the Aussie (non-cycling) sports federations comes this plea to warm the hearts of stoners everywhere: since pot doesn't actually *help* performance, please, please, please take it off the banned-substances list! Y'know, moralize all ya want, but it's true--Jan Ullrich once gained 67 pounds during the off-season from attacks of the munchies alone. How the hell else you think Lance kept winning the Tour?

Well, dear reader(s), onwards and (I swear) upwards--here's to the magnificent prize you're shooting for!

The 2011 Racejunkie Giro d'Italia Awards

Yes, dear reader(s), another terrible, beautiful Giro is behind us, and it's time to reward both the sublime and the ridiculous with the respect, admiration, and wholesale mockery they deserve. So, with thanks to the peloton for their contributions to ignominious cycling history, here goes:

Punk-!@# Move of the Giro: okay, Visconti's World Wrestling Federation slugfest then spectacular post-relegation whining campaign came close, but this one's for Alberto Contador repeatedly attacking Vincenzo Nibali in the last 500 meters of the climb up Zoncolan. Let's be clear: Contador had by far the time to spare to show some class, and didn't. !@#$, Alberto, do *you* want to beat Lance Armstrong's unbreakable record as Biggest !@#hole In the Peloton?

Spectator o' the Race: sure, there's always gonna be guys in almost unlawfully tiny Speedos content to show off their flapping love handles to 2 million people innocently watching at home, but for my money, this goes to the guy in lederhosen dressed in horns running alongside Contador and bearing aloft a giant syringe. Still not a true believer, are you? Shame on you, naughty tifoso!

Always Something There to Remind Me Prize: Team Radioskank hotel hangout invaded by the narcs, followed by Johan Bruyneel's hysterical denials that he did not either bail out of the country like a wussbag with barely a change of underwear to avoid the heat. Doesn't *anyone* believe they're clean?! Oh, wait...

Krusty, Crostini, Crostis, Whatever Award: all right, the race organizers couldn't help the dirt Crostis descent getting cut--that was the teams' fault--but how lame to change the course *again* just to avoid a violent mob protest over the decision. How'd *you* feel if you camped out with no working toilet on top of a freezing mountain for 2 days only to be told to 'enjoy' the nonexistent remaining roadside spots elsewhere instead--show them some respect, and as for yourself, organizers, show some stones!

Sweet Spot o' the Giro: oh, my ever-underfunded, ever-underestimated Euskaltel. First you accomplish your entire race goal of one stage win with Igor Anton, then loyal superdomestique Mikel Nieve caps it off with a phenomenal, grinding win on the queen stage. Woo-hoo Euskaltel--you can just change that maglia rosa to orange-and-black from now on, suckers!

Wah-Wah of the Race (Self-Serving): remember in stage 3, when Alessandro Petacchi moved over like a foot during the sprint and--aiiiggghhhh! !@#$in' Two-Week Rider Insult Moratorium! Aiiiggggghhhh!

Wah-Wah of the Race (Just Plain Irritating): The road has potholes. The Giro has mountains. I won a stage. Other people, except me, don't clean up til after they're caught doping. Yap, yap, yap. Dang, don't St. David Millar *ever* quit complaining? Nope, not as long as there's a camera around, I guess...

Stick a Fork In 'Em, They're Done Award of 2011: first, it seemed outright stupid, then, it seemed merely reckless, and finally, it seemed like the wiliest !@#damn move in Giro history. Alberto Contador on Mt. Etna. It's only stage 9, and game over, baby--better luck next year, Nibali!

Braveheart Award: no matter how many times Contador attacked, Michele Scarponi, to his everlasting credit, immediately tried to match him. Sure, he cracked like Humpty-Dumpty every time within two pedal strokes, but doesn't such dogged insanity *deserve* our respect?

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm Prize: okay, Contador every day, but in particular, Contador on the individual time trial to Nevegal. Um, don't you think you'd look just a *little* more innocent over the clenbuterol-huffing cow thing if you didn't beat the other best climbers in the world by half an hour? You made yer point, now cool yer jets, dingbat!

Is That Crickets Chirping? Award: yep, the sound of Denis Menchov this Giro--and yes, I saw his final GC placing--was the sound of a whole lotta nothin'. Geez, leak a UCI hit list putting you at a 9 outta 10 for doping suspicion, and look how totally coincidentally it affects a guy! Don't worry Denis, you've still got the Vuelta this year--at least til Igor Anton kicks your !@#!

Desperately Seeking Dignity Prize o' 2011: dear, reformed Danilo DiLuca. You've won the Giro, you've gotten busted, you 'fess up to a priest and a roomful o' schoolkids, the next thing you know, you're down to a 5-meter attack on the penultimate stage. But darn it, you're gonna have your own team someday and mentor younger riders, you are! Might try to regain your street cred with an undoped victory at *somethin'* though, first--maybe riding out to pick up a pizza for the Katusha boys?

Finally, the Publicity Whore of 2011 Award: just when you thought he'd finally retired, just when you thought we were finally rid of 'im til he becomes governor of Texas and King of All the Galaxy, he steals the spotlight off our beautiful Giro d'Italia once again: Lance Armstrong's collapsing house o' cards sucks up 90% of the press attention in May. Gaaaaaaahhhhh!

So, them's mine for this year--on to 2012, and Scarponi, your turn will come!