It's Your Women's Tour de France La Course in Review! #lacourse

Okay, so I got some crap for not covering La Course in more detail (tho I *was* working a freakin' bike event for 13 hours so cut me some slack dag nabit). And what do I find? Holy crap, even getting enough info now on basics like the race route's a nutwhack! Anyhow, so here's to the first of many more (and three weeks more, for heck's sake): yer inaugural women's La Course!

The Route: Just another day on the Champs-Elysees, baby, 89 kilometers of flat as a (slightly lumpy) pancake and beggin' for action!


The Contenders: Who *wasn't* there? Vos, Bronzini, Olds, Wild, Barnes, Van Dijk, Worrack...hell, if the Tour had managed to hold onto half so bangin' a field, it coulda been a very different race!

How It Went Down: interestingly, Bronzini's Wiggle-Honda, for one, wasn't convinced it'd end in a bunch sprint. And breakaways we got, but a relentless peloton kept bringin' 'em back. Disaster at 1.2k to go: Lizzie Armitstead and reigning French national champ Prevot hit the deck, and Wild's chances for a win were arguably blown when she punctured then had to chase back on. Final podium: Marianne Vos, Kirsten Wild (even after her puncture!), and Leah Kirchmann. Next year: oh come on, Giorgia will so either take it!

TV Coverage: As usual, glad to get any scraps I can get, but at least Universal carried highlights, and huge points to Gogo for rightly comparing Marianne Vos to Eddy Merckx, though it's also worth noting that in addition to being a road, mtb and cross champ, Vos has also been observed to personally MacGyver a fully-functional race-ready road bike outta kitchen twine, wire hangers, cut-up rubber raincoats, and aluminum foil. Right on Marianne!

And, the Coolest Footage Ever: if you ever wondered what it was like to be the most kick-!@# athlete in the world, here's the Vos cam to take you through it, complete with primal scream o' victory. Why is there not some huge bronze statue to this woman?!


Anyway, that's La Course for this year, and I think we've all answered the question whether there's a market. Now UCI, let's pop some champagne, quit treating these women like wilting violets, let 'em do the three week stage races they deserve, and get 'em all-day live coverage to boot!

Curse (of the Rainbow Jersey), Foiled Again!; Euskaltel News; and, the Call of the (Kirsten) Wild

Like the Red Sox's, But, Not *Quite* as Long: yep, after a long hot drought of a year, Philippe Gilbert's finally broken the Curse, taking his primo win in his World Champ stripes in a theoretical sprint stage at the Vuelta a Espana and gettin' his form on nicely ahead of his 2013 defense. And geez, what a nail-nipper--this is almost as great a performance as when he screamed his head off in front of that little girl in the Tour for her doofus dad's letting their giant Newfie wander into the course and almost take Gilbert out! Oh wait, here's the sprint: Right on Philippe--you've done that jersey proud!

Wild Thing: and, over at the Holland Ladies Tour (won since, well, birth by Marianne Vos), Kirsten Wild's added two outta three stages so far to her existing huge palmares, tho' ever-fearsome Trixi Worrack remains race leader. Watch out Giorgia Bronzini, now Kirsten's racking up the multiple stage wins--I call a contest! Here's her first one:

Orange You Glad I Didn't Say Alonso: meantime, future-non-Euskaltel continues to move along (waaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! waaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! waaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!), with none other than a former ONCE rider and Lance's ol' teammie Chechu Rubiera rumored to be near signing on to manage the squad, with you-goddamn-better-keep-Euskaltel's-Igor-Gonzalez-de-Galdeano as reputed technical director. Possible complication: Bjarne Riis sez he's, like, totally best buds with Alberto Contador, who's still under contract anyway, and he's not gonna address a buncha stupid lunch-room rumors that from a buncha jealous alpha-beeyotches anyway. Get ready to fight for your man, Alonso--or at least pay the hell up for 'im!

Speaking of Guys With Bad Seasons: I gotta admit, I'm starting to feel pretty bad for Andy Schleck, who wasn't even selected to the Luxembourg Worlds squad this year. Ah geez, I'm gettin' soft--get your legs back soon Andy, at least just to stop the indignity!

Bee Movie: last but not least, serious props to red-jersey bad-!@# Vincenzo Nibali, stung by a bee in the face during training, unable to properly treat it (to Vino's unsurprising rage, considering the !@#$ *he's* taken), and still posting a great time in the individual time trial. I'd say "forza," but you've already demonstrated your strength pretty clearly, right?

It's Yer Post-Carnage Stage 2 Tour Roundup; and, The Giro Rosa Takes Off! #GiroRosa

I am Stuck on (trademark) Brand 'Cuz (trademark)'s Stuck on Me: yep, the post-stage 1 body count is in, and aside from Johnny Hoogerland having the Crappiest Luck in the Peloton, again, most of the guys managed to show back up for stage 2 with whole identifiable portions of their team kit visible beneath the mummy bandages. Which brings me to this question: why the !@#$ was Tony "Forget the Bruised Lung, He's Got a Friggin' Concussion!" Martin allowed to ride today? I'm no doctor, but it's still up to his DS to allow or forbid 'im to ride, and if I understand right, optimal brain function is, y'know, highly useful when it comes to split-second reactions like taking a corner, avoiding a crash ahead of you, or not plunging off 3000 feet off a moutainside on a descent. Am I the only one who thought how freakin' scary it was that time Johan Bruyneel let Chris Horner ride after he whacked his head on the pavement and he barely even remembered the stage he'd just ridden afterwards? Please guys--if it involves their brain, take 'em out of the race. And get well soon Tony Martin!

Surprise!: so despite the efforts of an increasingly pissed-off Sylvain Chavanel, the dithering dipwad break managed to cannibalize itself right outta a guaranteed victory, all except an incredulous RadioSkank's Jan Bakelants, who stuck it out to the end to smashing head-slappin' effect. Not shocking: some nimrod already letting his annoying yapper dog jump out into course, selfishly (if wisely) saving himself and leaving the dog to its instincts as they both jumped the hell outta disaster an instant before it rolled over 'em. It's called a *leash*, people! Or does "the first guy you take down gets to whang you over the head repeatedly with a bike stand" seem clearer to you? Not as happy: Peter "Now He's the Hulk?" Sagan, who almost reeled Bakelants in, and a completely zonked and still-ticked Mark Cavendish, who twitter-lammed into the race organizers for wholly screwing the sprinters outta their rightful points yesterday. And what the hell was Froome up to--or *did* he really psych out Contador into total helplessness tonight with that show of strength towards the end? Here, (almost) Flat Fido:

It's the Giro Rosa, Baby!: and, Kirsten Wild took a dazzling sprint over Marianne Vos, but Vos still--for reasons I assume have to do with intermediate points--grabbed the first maglia rosa of the race, and tomorrow, Wild'll and the other fast 'uns'll have another chance to take it off her. With all respect to the fearsome rest of the peloton, better grab it while you can--is there *any* terrain that Vos can't win on? Still waitin' for video of the finish (geez! even podium photos to post!), but here's the happy winner: Forza Kirsten! Wait, here's *some* video (I swear the sprint is in there!):

It's Paris-Roubaix, Baby!; and, What Is This, International Treat Women In Cycling Like !@#$ Week?

Welcome to Hell (of the North)!: What is it: Cobbles, baby! Twenty-seven sections and 52.6 kilometers of treacherous, uneven, spine-rattling, pile-up-inducing, damn near mocking blocks o' agony. And no, they're not as steep as Flanders, and no, they still ain't any more merciful. This ain't no pansy-!@# skip through a daisy-spangled meadow, honey, so enjoy--if you're not ridin' 'em!

Why You Should Watch It: Pain. Suffering. Grit. Bike handling. Power. Save pure climbing, it epitomizes virtually everything that is magnificent about this sport into a single fateful day. If you win Roubaix, you know you're one of the best cyclists who ever lived. Hell, if you *finish* Roubaix, you know you're one of the best cyclists who ever lived. Hell, if you crash out and break a baker's dozen o' bones at Roubaix, you know you're one of the be...

Who to Watch For: yes, yes, a pissed-off, twice-crashed Cancellara, but also 2011 champ Vansummmeren, ever-dreamer pin-up Pippo Pozzato, and, well, almost anyone else in the race from Belgium. And maybe the race *will* be a giveaway, if no-one's willing to work together to defeat Fabian. But it's Paris-Roubaix, and anything can happen. Your bike could spontaneously splinter. Your legs could freeze up. Your collarbone could explode into a pile o' pulverized bone-bits. You could get face-wrapped by a wind-whipped Flemish flag. Or you could have the best day ever of your life on a bike, and *still* not win. Me, I'd love, love, love for the fabulous, luckless Sylvain "See? The French Don't All Suck!" Chavanel to get it (shut up, I know he's most likely to podium, shut up!). And I actually like that wily s.o.b. Flecha, too, though sure, Vacansoleil's ignoring the whole Op Puerto thing til after the finish line's pretty skeevy. Forza, forza Sylvain--heck, Boonen can't stomp it this year, so it might as well be you!

What the !@#$ Is Wrong With You Freaks?: first, a pointlessly ornamental podium babe gets grabbed by freshman wanker frat-boy Sagan. Now, the women's five-stage Energiewacht Tour gets screwed for an entire day by giant trucks riding the course, race-stopping boat and train passages, and crap directions to the !@#-end of nowhere. Jaysus, can things *get* any worse for women in this sport this week?--now up their pay, fix the problems, and treat 'em with some damn dignity whydontcha! Here, Kirsten Wild *still* manages to pluck a win:

It's Operacion Bull!@#$! LL Cool Sanchez Just Busted! And, Yer Race News Roundup

If You're Gonna Do It, Do It Right (Do It With Me): look, we all know the Spanish have long held a, well, business-like view of doping. Which is why it seems particularly ridiculous to have a whole !@#damn tribunal just to establish that--prior to the enactment of actual *anti*-doping legislation in the wake of the Operacion Puerto scandal--they basically did it really well. I mean, you've got Dr. Eufemiano "Gyno to the Male Stars" Fuentes swearing he drugged his clients to the highest standards of cleanliness, sniffing he wouldn't even treat lying rat-witness Jesus Manzano because he did coke for fun which unlike cheating honest athletes out of race wins by stuffing riders full of banned drugs is morally wrong, offering to name names and being shut up by the judge, you've got ONCE/Liberty Seguros mastermind Manolo Saiz saying sure he gave his riders express permission to see Fuentes and happened to be carrying 60,000 euro to pay him at a cafe but it's not like he thought the boys'd actually take him up on it, and the worst-case scenario here is "Naughty Fuentes, you oughta have doped 'em better?" No, we don't want any rider pulling a Riccardo Ricco' and damn near killing themselves with their own stupidity, and yes, it's important that the full story of cycling's shameful history comes out--but now that doping's actually legally *bad* in Spain, why not focus on those more recent scenarios instead? Oh, wait....

Oh, Give It *Up*, Rabobank!: meantime, I wholly believe that Rabobank--which was surely, like UCI, already aware that near-Tour de France winner Michael Rasmussen had missed pre-Tour doping controls before righteously yankin' him outta the race only when everybody else found about it--was shocked to find out that he'd been doping ALONG WITH EVERY OTHER FREAKIN' RIDER ON THEIR TEAM. But what strikes me as particularly moronic is that *today* it's gone and suspended former ONCE/Liberty Seguros prodigy LL Cool Sanchez, who was publicly linked to Operacion Puerto back in 2006 for chrissakes but is only now being found out by a team management who's apparently been reading their newspapers in reverse order for the last 7 years. Not to excuse him for being just an impressionable, bright-eyed kid at the time--which he was, right along with then-fellow nobody Alberto Contador--but can we all quit this idiot fakery where we all buy that no-one's been doping since 2006? Except the Chicken. And Armstrong. And Schleck. And Contador. And...

Wait, People "Race Bikes" In This Sport?: and, in actual riding news this week, Fabian Cancellara's decided to bail on the Tour de France--leaving, if humanly possible, the already Frank-less Andy Schleck even more screwed in July--the 'crossers don their scuba gear for today's flood-ravaged Worlds in Kentucky, Kirsten Wild tore up the tarmac and scared the crap outta her fellow sprinters the whole Ladies Tour of Qatar, and the menfolk get ready to head out on the desert tomorrow. Wow Cav, you're pretty sharp, but even you don't always whale on 'em like this: