It's the Amgen EPO Tour of Screw You UCI For Scheduling This Opposite the Giro! California! And the Women's Tour! And the Giro!! #giro

Holy Crap It's the Girooooooooooooo! Woo-hoo, it's finally the fabulous Giro d'Italia, and yes, the first two stages are Irish, baby! Tomorrow (or hell, today, depending on where you are!): a 21.7k pretty darn flat team time trial, with Garmin and OPQS out for flamingo-pink glory. Saturday: 219k of flat Belfast-to-Belfast sprinters' delight. Problem: the latest forecast is !@#$ for Saturday, and that's baaaaaad news this early in the race for a twitchy pack still gettin' their legs--GC contenders, watch yer collarbones!

We're Going Back To Cali, To Cali, To Cali: and, if you're not at the superior Giro, or hiding out "training," uh, training, ahead of the Tour, I guess you are at the Amgen EPO You Suck UCI For Scheduling This Opposite the Giro! California. And it's really, despite these riders' clear heresy--which according to Dante, plops 'em right into the 6th circle o' hell--a smashing field. There: we love Tom Boonen, we love Jens, Mark Cavendish, archrival Peter Sagan, Taylor Phinney, Fast Freddie, and, of course, go-to-hell-he-can-so-too-win-a-stage-either we still love Thor Hushovd. Oh right, and that Wiggins guy. Watch out for: perpetual numbnuts Riccardo Ricco', schmoozin' up the Amgen reps for free samples. Now apologize, all of you, for skipping the Giro, and *maybe* we'll wish you all luck!

Holy Crap It's a Women's Tour!: no, not a three-week Grand Tour, but still, it's a solid 5 days o' British bitchin'ness, with huge crowds turning out for the likes of Lizzie Armistead, Marianne Vos, Giorgia Bronzini, Hannah Barnes, and pretty well everyone worth watchin'. Allez allez Giorgia--Marianne, you're already gonna win somethin' anyway!

Next Up: it's your 2014 Racejunkie Giro d'Italia Win Free Stuff Contest!

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow (Just Not on the Freakin' Galibier!) #giro

You're As Cold As Ice: yep, after more'n a week in relentless pounding rain, the Giro d'Italia peloton finally gets a break: now that they're finally in the glorious (and race-determining) mountains, it's a blizzard instead! Upshot: to honestly the relief and agreement of the GC contenders, today's climb to Sestriere is cancelled, replaced by a summit finish at Jafferau. Unfortunately, looks like it'll still be raining in Bardonecchia, so bundle up anyway boys! Tomorrow: the beautiful and fearsome Galibier likely faces the axe, some silly thing over a "threat of avalanche." What, you guys don't want a little push on the descents--you've been complaining about 'em all week!

Gone With the Wind (Well, Rain Mostly): meantime, as Ryder Hesjedal (an honorable defense, Ryder!) tries to figure out what went wrong and Brad Wiggins recovers from his crap chest cold, Chris Froome has reportedly built an impenetrable bunker in the Sky team bus to protect his now-blown position as team leader in the Tour de France, cutting off access to the coffee machine, booby-trapping the chamois cream with hot red pepper flakes and armed with his trusty hipster-haircut-destroying buzz-cut clippers should Brad attempt a hostile takeover. Oh come on, Brad, be a sport--you hate the cold and wet, right, so why not just saute yerself over at the hot hot mountains at the Vuelta instead and leave Froomey to the Tour he's earned--of course, you'll have to keep up with your own teammates first!

Jeeeeens! Jeeeeeeeeens! Jeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnssssss!: finally, it's time for the Amgen EPO Tour o' California to just pack it up and go home, because once Jens Voigt wins a stage in one of his joyous slobbering Labrador-retriever-on-tennis-ball attackfests, really, despite Tejay putting in a rippingly exciting time trial yesterday and all, what's the point of anything else? Just give Jens his Kingship of the Entire Planet already, set the man up a sacred throne room in every country he visits, and commence the worship already!

And, Last Few Hours This Week, Enter to Win Here!

Garmin Gets Its Groove Back!; and, Enter to Win the 2013 Giro d'Italia Racejunkie Win Free Stuff Contest Part Due! #giro

Tyler's Back, Baby!: yes, it was great to see Garmin regroup at the Giro and Ramunas Navardauskas take a smashing--and surely team-cheering--win today. And it was fabulous to finally see Tyler Farrar, after so long a rough patch, look so happy and at home at the finish line again. But even better to me was that, whatever the hell is going on with Ryder Hesjedal--and whether or not he even continues another day at this point--he has, by sticking it this long, really honored the maglia rosa he fought to hard to win in the first place. Auguri Ryder, bravo Navardauskas, sei fortissimo Tyler--and damn, nice save there by Vaughters!

I Toldja, Froomey: and, it's lookin' grimmer'n even yesterday for Chris Froome's Tour de France ambitions, as Brad Wiggins fights off a suckmaster of a chest cold that, if he wants, could also form a hell of an excuse to bail outta the Giro to fire up the ol' engines for July. Dang, can't *anyone* at Sky keep these guys under control for ten minutes--or at least 'til Froome bails for a bazillion dollars somewhere else this summer?

News From The Riccardo Ricco' Utter Lack of Self-Preservation Department: look, I get it. You want to win the Tour de France, or Giro, or Vuelta, or Roubaix. And you'll do almost anything for it. But you are seriously going to allegedly risk developing a giant *tumor* just to be a freakin' last-chance domestique at Lampre?! Please guys--no matter what you're gonna win, or even warm the seats in the team bus for, it's just not that important. Now quit taking all this dangerous crap and please, please stay healthy instead!

Predict the Giro and Win!: yes, it's still Week 2 of our Giro d'Italia Racejunkie Win Free Stuff Contest--predict the Giro here, survive the Holy Once-Eroski Cap o' Destiny, and enjoy the prizes!

Wiggo Loses Time! UCI Hates Dopers (Now)! And, It's the Amgen EPO Tour of California!

Purple (Well, Pink) Rain: holy moly it's been a oil-slick crashfest at the Giro d'Italia, with presumptive (presumptuous anyway) final maglia rosa Brad Wiggins already losing most of what he's likely to gain tomorrow in the after a scary if harmless slide-out and subsequently Schleck-slow descent in the mountains, desperate disaster-mitigation by Sky management, and Nibali, Cadel, Samu', and half Wiggo's own teammates accordingly ready to pounce after the inevitable obliteration they no longer need fear *quite* so much tomorrow. Also in the mix the last few days, creeping everybody out in his own country no less: returning Lord o' the Masking Agents Danilo "Strawberry Shortcake" DiLuca. Am the only one wondering why, say, the Spaniards aren't equally freaked out by Alejandro Valverde? Meanwhile, classics strongman Pippo "The Abs" Pozzato is keeping the peloton entertained while he awaits his own chance for a stage with lurid Italian Vanity Fair love-triangle gossip and some pretty Cipolliniesque photos there. OMG, even Ivan Basso didn't get this kinda media play posing shirtless for Gazzetta dello Sport back in 2006. Anyway, forza Nibali--but watch out for Cadel, that boy can really handle a bike! And didja see the new maglia rosa is former Euskaltel rider Benat Intxausti?

Watch Out Dopers--Uh, From Seven Years Ago: boy, UCI still really *is* lookin' to deflect ongoing worldwide scorn from Pat "Dick" McQuaid's fawning Armstrong-coddling fiasco: yes, it's decided to go to war to preserve the notorious Op Puerto blood bags of damn near everyone already riding back before half today's peloton was even outta diapers. *That'll* show the current crop of clowns getting away with the AICAR and !@#$ the dumb or broke ones are just getting busted for this season--um, that they might get their !@#es handed to 'em in a sling well after they retire! Oh, UCI, just pack up shop already...

Schleck Lovers Unite!: last but not least, he-lloooooo Amgen EPO Tour o' California, which heads out May 12 with this handy guide to which rider specializes in what. Actually, I think it's a great idea to introduce new spectators to the truly powerhouse field they've got this year (screwing the Giro, *again*)--but can these misguided freaks explain to me why Jens Voigt is listed under "Time Trialists" instead of "Gods"?