Thursday, June 13, 2013

So You Wanna Beat the Narcs: A Friendly Guide for What *Not* to Say for Cyclists

So, Grand Tour contender, you've been just been nailed by some vengeful data-wielding nerdling who's called your performances "suspicious," "miraculous," or even, if you're really lucky,"mutant." Yet, you *persist* in staying stupid !@#$ to the press that is guaranteed to freak the authorities into a state of high alert. Don't want a nightly invasion of needle-wielding narcs and urine-catching bathroom vultures derailing your nightly routine all July and dooming you to a life of Ricco-esque shame when you're caught? Then listen up and learn to keep 'em off the trail--and yeah, this means *you*, Froomey!

WRONG: I feel great.
RIGHT: The sensations are good.

WRONG: I'm going for the stage win today.
RIGHT: We'll see what happens.

WRONG: I'm exactly where I need to be at this point.
RIGHT: I'm really suffering from allergies. Hopefully, they won't be so bad in a few weeks.

WRONG: I'm confident I can win the Tour de France.
RIGHT: It's a long road to Paris.

WRONG: I could've won myself if I hadn't had to help the team leader up the mountains the whole tour.
RIGHT: It was an honor to ride for ______. I'm really grateful for the experience I gained.

WRONG (REALLY WRONG): I'm aiming for the next six or seven Tours.
RIGHT: I'm still young and I've got a lot to learn. I'm aiming for a high placing this year if everything goes right.

WRONG: My main rival is ______.
RIGHT: My main rivals are ______, _______, and ______. Of course, _____ and _____ are also very strong. And you can't discount guys like ______, _______, ________, or _______.

WRONG: I spent a lot of time in the off-season training at "altitude".
RIGHT: I spent a lot of time in the wind tunnel working on my time trial position in the off-season. I really hope it helps me this year.

WRONG: If my chain hadn't come off, I could have won the day.
RIGHT: I just didn't have the legs today.

WRONG: My team is phenomenal.
RIGHT: My teammates worked phenomenally hard today. But ______, _______, and _____ are incredible teams. We'll have to be very attentive.

WRONG: crossing the line with a long victory celebration, taking a quick swig from your water bottle, and conducting a lengthy, smiling TV interview in your second language before bounding up the steps for the podium presentation.
RIGHT: weakly raising a half-clenched fist two inches above the handlebars, dumping a whole water bottle over your head, and collapsing off your bike onto the ground in agony as the medical team runs to your side. Bonus points if you hurl on your soigneur!

All right, you Eddy Merckx wannabes, I've done my damndest to help protect you from yourselves. Now if you're gonna dope like a scumbag, at least don't bray like an !@# about it!


Folding Bikes said...

...and never cross the line, look back and shout "loser's!"

Anonymous said...

How do you pronounce that misplaced apostrophe?

velovortmax said...

I never laughed harder, a great post!