It's Yer 2016 Peloton Team-Kit-O-Rama Part 3: Ow, My Eyes! Edition

We've got the discreet pinstripes of Trek-Segafredo, and the black-and-sky of, well, Sky down pat--so who's left to spot anew on the 2016 roads so you can root for your fave or snarl at yer sworn enemy? That's right, the retina-searing visages of these guys!

AG2R: they're not bright, but man, they suuuuuuuure are ugly. Someone, *please*, remake this brand!

Lampre: by ditching the Rainbow-Brite turquoise for the less glowing deep blue, they've maybe lost a *little* of their Barbie sparkle-princess mojo, but that hot pink? Ya just can't go wrong, even without Pippo Pozzato to make it even prettier this year. The flash of neon green adds a lively touch. Shine on, boys!

Cannondale: if you can catch it before your eyeballs go numb, there's a stylin' tone-on-tone blast o' the argyle on this perennial trendsetter's team kit. Good luck blending unnoticed into a breakaway though!

Lotto-Jumbo: Bum-bum-bumblebee, Bum-ble-bee Tuna, I Love...aw, hell, no-one else is old enough to remember that jingle!

Tinkoff: Whether they're dressin' up like a herd o' zebras trying to confuse the hell outta a pack of attacking lionesses, or just trying to show UCI en masse that they're not riding quite as disconcertingly as that mono-pack of Team Sky freaks ahead of 'em, you can count on Oleg Tinkov's boys to put on a show. Let's hope they do for the Tour, too, or it'll just be that much easier for Oleg to spot 'em while they're running away!

And, a Coupla Bonus Continental Kits:

Southeast: look, Pippo Pozzato could wear a kitchen-slopped dish-rag--which come to think of it is more than he usually wears in his Instagram pics--and still look good. But this one he's designed--and he already seems buckets more excited to ride than he has in years. Forza Pippooooo!

Direct Energie: wondering how to find Thomas "the Tongue" Voeckler this year when his mouth is shut and you don't see the familiar forest green of Europcar? Yep, in these rather dashing duds from new squad Direct Energie!

All righty folks, that wraps up our 2016 Team-Kit-o-Rama--now no excuses for accidentally screaming for a Kittel over a Greipel, and let the road games begin!

It's Yer Tour de France in Preview Part Final: The Climbers, The Roleurs, and General Roundup! #letour

Okay, the teams've been presented, the nutrition's been tweaked, and we've got one (two, depending where you live) day to go! So now that you got the course, the GC, and the sprinters, who's left? These guys!

The Climbers: if you *can't* climb, you're not up for GC, so that covers *them*. If you *can* climb, but aren't up for GC, you're generally yer GC-huntin' team captain's beeyotch. But if he chokes or you're free of an overall contender in yer squad, *and* you're capable of a flying legendary mountaintop stage win, you probably used to work for Euskaltel. BMC's former King of the Mountains and don't you forget it Samu', of course. Movistar's Gorka Izaguirre and Winner Anacona. Romain Sicard. Uran Uran. Richie Porte, if he gets his confidence back after his soul-suckin' Giro. Rafal Majka and Roman Kreuziger, the latter bouncing back from a bio passport accusation and with more'n enough motivation for vengeance. Last year's podium surprise Thibaut Pinot. Out: shock Giro podium Mikel Landa, on Grand Tour hiatus til the Vuelta (because apparently, Nibali doesn't take that !@#$.) Oh, come on, Fab 4, reward one of your boys with a stage win!

The Stage Fighters: they're not the climbiest, they're not the sprintiest, but put 'em in the right place at the right time, and you've got *gold*, baby! Fabian Cancellara, who just announced this may be his farewell Tour (yes, Fabs fans, I know--here, have a tissue!) and Tony Martin for the time trial. We love camera-grabbin' Tommy "the Tongue" Voeckler and the indestructible Sylvain Chavanel. Luca Paolini. Like every damn Belgian in the peloton for the cobblestones. Gerrans, Costa, Kwiatkowski, Pippo (yeah, go to hell, at least the Tour will be infinitely more glam with him there)! Oh, the likelihood that some dimwit fan is gonna take out one of these guys with their !@#$in' camera or enormous drooling dog *right* when they're on the cusp of victory is just *killin'* me here...

The Gloves Are Off!: finally, I note that the GC contenders are now breaking their pre-race silence, with quiet Nairo Quintana in a monster huff against usually-more-discreet Vincenzo Nibali for seemingly criticizing Nairo for training in the comfort and obscurity of home in Colombia while Nibs Froome and Alberto were drudging away in spot-lit misery in Tenerife, Froome finally not just bitching about his accommodations on Twitter, and Alberto Contador scaring the crap out of everyone by saying he "felt better at the 2014 Tour," which presumably means he's actually gonna shell Froomey like a peanut and leave him gacking from the bottom of the race's first climb right up to the final podium in Paris. On a related note, whose numbnut idea was it to jinx Alberto's Giro-Tour double with a maillot jaune canary? Well, enough with the smack-talk and psych-outs--it's time to go, so let's all have it out on the road!

It's Yer 2014 Tour de France in Preview: the Climbers, Roleurs, 'n' Everyone Else We Love (Or Don't!) Roundup!

Tic-toc, you can't make it stop, baby, because it's one day left to the Grand Boucle, so time for our final pre-Tour preview! So last but not very least: the mountain goats, and yer everyone else who's in or out who we love, or just love to hate!

Thomas "the Grimace" Voeckler: whose face embodies the angst, the glory, the tragedy, the suffering of the Tour de France? That's right, Tommy Voeckler--and that's all before he gets to the day's sign-in! Watch him for the ebb and flow of attack after attack, the surge of triumph and the gutted visage of defeat. We love you Voeckler--you're like the overacting soccer player of cycling!

Jeeeeeeeeeeeens! Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeens! Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeens! really, need one say more? He just got to Yorkshire and already completed a geocache! Plus reconned the course, rebuilt his own bicycle, participated in a barn-raising, repaired Big Ben, took the Queen out to a rave, and personally hammered Sir Brad a new suit of armor. See you in the breakaways, Jens!

Purito Rodriguez: yes, I put 'im in with GC, tho' he's basically here because he crashed out of the Giro and needs some miles--but not pounded out too hard--for the Vuelta. Me, I'm putting him in for a stage win. Woot woot!

Rui Costa: he's the world champ, he just bagged the Tour de Suisse after a typical curse-of-the-rainbow-jersey start to the season, and he aims, if not to win, to make a fuss. Plus, if you piss 'im off, he'll whang the crap out of you with the nearest bike wheel. Now *that's* world-class!

Sylvain Chavanel: for years, along with Sandy Casar, pretty much the only reason the French *didn't* suck. He doesn't make a fuss, but he always scares the crap out of his unlucky companions in a breakaway. Class act all 'round!

Christophe Riblon: no, still not a huge name, but he *did* win the Alpe d'Huez last year. Who wouldn't like a double?

Darwin Atapuma: Colombia's latest sensation among a sea of latest Colombian sensation, this boy has a hell of a future--and luckily, at the last minute, a freakin' visa. Good support for his boss at BMC, and a massive threat in the heights if he gets the nod to strike out on his own for a stage!

Andrew Talansky: yeah, I got smacked for leaving him out before, but here he is: the man who outsmarted--and out-rode--Alberto Contador on the highest passes of the Dauphine. He may not get GC, but if he can hang in for three weeks, he can sure place high--and afford to throw in a body-crushing performance on at least one mountain stage. Let Nibs Alberto and Froomey mark each other--Andrew, take full advantage! Along those lines, Michal Kwiatkowski, 11th last year, who should be able to put on a pretty sweet show despite some recent uneven form. Allez allez boys!

Ex-Carrots: look, I'm not apologizing for Alejandro Valverde here--he still creeps me out. But damn, he's got a great squad of mostly ex-Euskies to back him, and you can't fault Valverde for his total generosity to his teammates in the face of personal setback. Benat, Ion, the whole lot of you--be ready to step up after Piti's inevitable meltdown!

Chris Horner: the oldest Grand Tour winner is back, without huge expectations but still having to convince everyone he really deserved his big win last year. But for !@#$'s sake, if he gets another concussion, take him *off* the bike before the stage ends!

Fabian Cancellara: oh, no, I didn't forget your darling, Fabs fans! He's predicting monster GC chaos on the fateful cobbles, and I'm betting (oops! jinxed 'im!) he'll come out on top. Go Fabs!

Finally, the Missing: out: the incredibly annoying unctuous hypocrite David "I Hearted Doping Til Others Got to Do It Without Me" Millar, who took to social media to whine about his rejection for the final Tour de France Jonathan Vaughters apparently owed him. Everytime this guy opens his mouth, no matter what the topic, I swear it makes me nostalgic for omerta. But don't worry, fans, he'll apparently be the mosquito in yer ears over on British commentary! Nairo, of course, as Movistar herds its baby superstar cautiously. And Cadel, and Uran, and Gilbert. Worst of all on the out list: the glamorous Pippo Pozzato, who's reportedly planning in revenge to pop up and take a nekkid selfie right next to the day's stage winners as they cross the finish line. Well, that settles who wins the queen stage, I guess--now get that guy a maillot jaune before he shocks the innocent public!


Ah, Jeez!: I can't believe I nearly missed mentioning we love Ted King, who got completely screwed out of the Tour de France last year by a pack of soulless nit-picker bean-counter judges, who kicked his !@# over a measly 7 seconds after a nasty crash while repeatedly letting more well-known riders (Cav! Cav! 'scuse me, must be a frog in my throat) off the hook. When he's helping Sagan to yet another stage win over a suck French rider, race organizers, remember that!

It's Yer Tour de France in Preview, Part Deux!: The Sprinters! The Climbers! The Roleurs! 'Nother Stuff!

Oh yeah, the Grand Boucle starts in just deux days, baby, and as the teams hit their formal presentation in Corsica by boat and bike, it's time to preview the non-GC part o' the race! What's what:

The Sprinters!: 7 flat chances for glory! Okay, really who cares, but I guess we oughta yap fastmen. Mark "the Manx Missile" Cavendish. Peter "the Tourminator" Sagan. Andre "the Gorilla" Greipel. Come to think of it, Robbie "the Pocket Rocket" McEwen and Mario "the Lion King" Cipollini. Why do the sprinters get all the cool nicknames? The missing: BMC's Thor Hushovd (I know, not quite a "sprinter" in recent years), Garmin's Tyler Farrar. Crap, nabit, crap! Look for: Cav and Sagan to come to blows over smart-!@# !@#$-you victory celebrations. Watch out Peter, Cav is pretty scrappy!

The Climbers: 6 mountain stages, 4, count 'em4, mountain top finishes. look, at this point, we're mainly talking GC riders, their top mountain domestiques, pretty much all of Movistar, and of course my beloved Euskaltel (shut up! will too! bite me!). Contador for Alpe d'Huez. Richie Porte for a stage, if Froome can afford him wasting energy. Alejandro Valverde and Joaquim Rodriguez for a mano-a-mano death match in the steeps. Missing: Jose Rujano, whose retirement at the top of his game has nothing to do with his recent entanglement in a doping scandal. Eat Orange dust, beeyotches!

The Roleurs: basically, 5 or so shots for these boys. We got some great stage hunters here, honey, and holy improbable crap some of 'em are even French: Thomas "the Grimace" Voeckler, the great Sylvain Chavanel, luckless (so far) curse-o'-the-rainbow-jersey world champ Philippe Gilbert. Jens for anything he damn well wants, so pack it up and bow before the One, you weaklings! And while he's no breakaway artist, can I show mercy enough to suggest baby Schleck for a stage of *some* kind? No, there's descents in them thar hills....

'Nother Stuff!: Bjarne's rumored to be retiring, the Tour is inviting every dope-sucking drug-fiend *except* Lance Armstrong to the big party, the French have put the mute button on the appalling Laurent Jalabert but are letting every other dirty doping DS of the last 10 years yap direct instructions into the ears of their clean innocent riders, Froome's still talking smack, and Contador, as always, is keeping his reserve. So Peter, remember not to pop those wheelies til *after* you cross the line, and Cav, if he paints his bike all smug-!@# maillot vert again before he earns it, you *chomp* that frame to pieces before Paris!

Here, Cav makes it 22 last year: The rest of you, let the excuses begin!

Yer Rest-Day Roundup, Part Deux; and, the Guilty Pleasure of Alexandre Vinokourov

Want Some Cheese With That Whine?: wah, Cadel won't work, wah, no-one's attacking, wah, no-one's helping me win, wah, wah, wah. Look, Schlecks: no-one owes you *anything.* First, you've got nearly two minutes on Contador who was limping up the Pyrenees with a bashed-in knee and a Giro-decimated lack of energy, and the best you can--or are willing to--get on 'im is 2 more seconds on the Plateau de Beille? With *your* abilities, why the hell didn't you dispatch him once and for all right then? It's not like you have moral problems hosing him like you did last year! And honey, if Contatwerp *remotely* feels better later this week, you've got a lot worse to worry about than guys on other squads freakishly not riding for *you*. Second, let's reiterate: no-one else owes you *anything.* Cadel doesn't--yes, it's a wheel-sucking snoozefest of a way to win the Tour, but *you're* the one who's gonna get obliterated in the time trial, why *should* he knock himself out? And Basso's got his own Tour redemption to sort out--remember when Frank was (allegedly!) associated with Fuentes, but only Basso went down? More, Ivan excepted, Liquigas simply doesn't have the high-altitude firepower to win the Tour, and at least Ivan's got the nuts to keep attacking alone. Andy, you or Frank could well win anyway--it was all decided on the first-stage pileups where Twerp lost time and you, thanks to mere timing, didn't. Win or lose, whatever, but quit the cryin' already!

White Punk on Dope: so UCI prez Pat "Dick" McQuaid sez it wouldn't be a "bad thing" if there were a doping positive or two at the Tour de France this year, on the grounds that it'd suggest that anti-doping efforts were working. Now, two years *without* a poz, *that'd* suck, as it'd tend to show there's "something going wrong here." Leaving aside the fact that, uh, there *has* been a positive dope, or masking agent, test at this year's Tour, and there hasn't even been *one* year, much less two, without a doping poz recently (as I seem to recall Contador got into some small imbroglio in 2010)--Pat, given the disgusting raft o' nailage that's been been going on since a reliable test for EPO, then CERA, then the bio passport, and also since certain members of the peloton have been shocked with a cattle prod every time they reach into the cooler on the team bus, I think it's safe to say that a load of these clowns are still getting away with it. I gotta give it to you, though, Andy's account of being forced to walk through a restaurant's worth of innocent diners with a cup of wiz in his hand both showcases your genuine diligence in the matter *and* provides a nauseating visual sure to be seared into my cerebral cortex for years to come. Thanks so much for all you do!

The Dark Horse Rides On: and, in "French Riders Who Don't Suck" news (and I was really rooting for Sandy "The Dog Ate My Bicycle" Casar, btw), Thomas Voeckler's doing a smashing job hanging on to the maillot jaune, and tho' he's assuring the French fans he can't win it, we love Samuel "Holy Crap He's the Olympic Road Race Champion And He Rocked the Pyrenees!" Sanchez, for one, is not buying it. I say let's make a deal with the French tifosi: if one of their own finally hits the podium, will *you* stop hissing and abusing everyone who kicks your !@# whether or not they're stoked on illicit substances? Hell, even that crap only helped, say, Virenque so much!

The Guilty Pleasure of Alexandre Vinokourov: all right, I'm a class-A hypocrite on this one. I can't stand doping, and I especially can't stand guys who take (allegedly!) half their wins with an IV in their butt and a direct sterile line to their team cars. But I loooooooove watching Alexandre Vinokourov, and I'm sorry to see him retire. I love the way he attacks seemingly at random, with no particular sense or strategy to the timing. I love how he lights up a pack of wheel-slurping lame-os out of their stupor with his inexplicable aggression. I love him for his endless work in keeping his fallen friend Andrei Kivilev's memory alive, for always rewarding his domestiques with their own victories before they hit retirement age (hear that, um...someone?), I loved watching him stick it to the bitter booing fans at Liege-Bastogne-Liege whose own guy couldn't've won it anyway. And I particularly love him for calling bull!@#$ on the teams, peloton, and entire cycling world for their ridiculous hypocrisy in criticizing him. Trust me, I appeal to the purity and goodness that is Lance Armstrong every night to make me a better person, to no avail. And yes, it makes me feel soooooooooo dirty. Disgusting as you may be, Vino, you'll be sorely missed--and I'll chomp down my racejunkie hat like a Dorito if I'm the only one!