Holy Crap, It's Like "Jaws," But in Reverse: Man Circles, Attacks Shark #LaVuelta

It's a Bleeder!: so after a nervous other-day in which Vincenzo "Lo Squalo" Nibali already gave a surgin' Horner back 20-odd seconds, now the ageless "George Hamilton o' the Peloton" is goin' in for the kill: yep, you heard it, Horner tore another big chunk outta Nibali and left him with a mere three seconds' lead, a certainly-battered ego, and 2 huge mountain stages including the dream-shattering Angliru still to go. I know you're always tranquillo, Nibali, but even you gotta be freakin' out just a little right now! Mitigating Motivating Factor: Vinokourov'll sink you to the bottom of a lake if you disgrace him out there. Possible Saving Grace: Horner gets blood-tested and is disqualified for actually being a robot, or popped for whatever miracle-preservative-'n'-PED concoction he's loaded on. Forza, forza Vincenzo--I just don't like Horner's performance, it's too Contadorian! Here, judge (and cringe) for yourself:

Wah, !@#$in' Wah Report: so Chris Froome leaves his own team captain in the mountainy dust--well beyond, apparently, the previously-approved, non-humiliating margin--and the !@#$in' LEADER OF THE TOUR DE FRANCE, instead of beating him into submission after the stage with a stench-filled sweat-soaked bib-short chamois in front of the team, staff, family, friends, and press corps--sends a whiny snot-nosed woe-is-me threat to QUIT THE RACE to a cycling legend? Screw you, you big baby, you *shoulda* dropped out! Damn, even that preening prima donna Armstrong just publicly slagged Contador to everyone and acted like a bitter high-school homecoming runner-up on the podium, he didn't !@#$in' dishonor the maillot jaune by threatening to leave the biggest show on earth in some sissy-boy snit fit. That's it, 2012 Tour title goes to Froome--what, Wiggins, you gonna whine yer way outta the Worlds on some stupid pretext next?

Supersonic: and, tho' Marianne Vos set a course record for fastest prologue ever at the Giro della Toscana, it's of course Giorgia Bronzini who continues to completely dominate the 2nd half of the season, kickin' the crap outta everyone else in yesterday's sprint finale, *again*. Mario "the Chest" Cipollini, you counting? She is gonna *crush* you on career stage wins, and with half the opportunities to race and no personal hairstylist to boot!

Stuff It, Faithless Ones!: finally, while dear Euskaltel has *yet* to win its *inevitable* stage this Vuelta, not only are our beloved carrots kicking Astana's works in the team classification, *but* Egoi Martinez won Most Combative today. Auuuppppaaaaaaaaaaa darling Euskaltel--and watch out tomorrow, they're getting antsy, I can tell!

It's Yer Vuelta a Espana Rest-Day Roundup; and, Bonus Boonen Nut News Part Dos! #lavuelta

Argy-Barguil: Sure, Giorgia Bronzini grabbed another stage, Cadel Evans bagged his first win of the season--pack o' late bloomers this year BMC, nice to see!--and Sagan thrilled the crowds and bought a white cowboy hat, but over at the Vuelta it's the mountains, baby, and guess who's reigning triumphant? Yep, France's Next Great Hope, 21 year old Argos climber Warren Barguil, outsmarting the likes of Rigoberto Uran and pretty well every other stage-stealing hopeful with his second win in four days. So what else is up? Well:

--that's right, Horner continued to ride like a freak, which, if he won, 'd not only make him the Oldest Grand Tour Winner of All Time, but also Guy Most Stuck Full of Needle Holes (by the narcs, calm down!) to Still Survive a Grand Tour. Either way, a notable accomplishment!

--so Nibali finally cracked today. Fifty seconds was comfy. Twenty-odd is, frankly, a bit nerve-wracking. But the Shark remains tranquillo, and is ready to take Horner out in the last few days' steeper ramps. Me, I'm still betting on Nibali--so Chris Purito Roche Valverde and Samu (shut up! will too!), good luck sluggin' it out for the rest of the podium!

--when the Belgians drop out of a race due to cold, you *know* it's bull!@#$. Bad enough the Pyreneean Meat Locker o' Carnage blasted poor Ivan Basso--who really looked great--Roman Kreuziger and LL Cool Sanchez outta the saddle, and Gilbert had good reasons to go anyway, but really? Jelle Vanendert? Nick Nuyens? Poor pelotonsicles!

--didja see who's leading the team classification? It's our beloved Euskaltel-Euskadi, honey--woooooooooo-hooooooooooooooooooooo! Now, onto the stage wins--will too either, haters!

Guess Who's Back(Door) in Training (Almost)! in other cycling news, in a truly pass-out-worthy description of his healing perineal region (at least for the more ladylike among us), bad-luck Classics bad-boy Tom Boonen is but (ha! I said "but!") a few weeks away from resuming training, which means, barring a freak elbow infection, training crash, Lamborghini bang-up, club-drug relapse, or another ginormous monster meteorite of a cyst, he'll be back on form and back in action for a stormin' old-school Tommeke 2014 Classics campaign. Get well soon, Tom--not only 'cause we love you, but 'cause we can't bear any more graphic details!

I'm Glad It's Your Birthday/Happy Birthday To You: last but not least, happy 32nd birthday to ragin' late-season squadra azzurra contender/primo peloton pinup Pippo Pozzato, clearly enjoying his recent down time. Buon Compleanno Pippo!

Okay, rest up everyone--it ain't over yet, and we've still got some serious mountains left to go!

Welcome to the Mountains (With Apologies to Guns'n'Roses) #lavuelta

Welcome to the mountains
We've got fun'n'games
We'll climb each one of the Pyrenees
Before we know the names
We are the teammates that will chase
Down any one you need
But if you treat us badly, captain
We'll screw you for GC

In the mountains, welcome to the mountains
Won't you be my, my, my domestique?
Oooh, I'm gonna make you scream!

Welcome to the mountains
We take it day by day
Some asshat running next to me
smacked his camera in my face
And you've got a really great team doc
Very hard to beat
You can have the stage win if you want
But you better not take the GC

In the mountains, welcome to the mountains
That crash is gonna make you bleed, bleed
Ooooooh, now you're gonna lose speed!

Welcome to the mountains
It gets worse here every day
If the weather turns your nuts to ice
It's just the price you pay
And you're a very tough DS
Very hard to please
But if I blow it, Vino, we know
You're gonna break my knees

in the mountains, welcome to the mountains
I better get the, the, the red jersey
Oooh, I'm gonna watch you freeze!

And when you're high you always...gotta safely come down...so down...I'm down....aiiiiggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

You know where you are?
You're in the mountains baby,
You're gonna diiiieeeeeeeeeeee
In the mountains, welcome to the mountains
Hope the soigneur's got what you need, need
In the mountains, welcome to the mountains
The pain'll make you plead, plead
In the mountains, welcome to the mountains
Shoulda taken that feed, feed
In the mountains, welcome to the mountains
They're gonna bring you down....Huuuaaahhhhhhh!

Curse (of the Rainbow Jersey), Foiled Again!; Euskaltel News; and, the Call of the (Kirsten) Wild

Like the Red Sox's, But, Not *Quite* as Long: yep, after a long hot drought of a year, Philippe Gilbert's finally broken the Curse, taking his primo win in his World Champ stripes in a theoretical sprint stage at the Vuelta a Espana and gettin' his form on nicely ahead of his 2013 defense. And geez, what a nail-nipper--this is almost as great a performance as when he screamed his head off in front of that little girl in the Tour for her doofus dad's letting their giant Newfie wander into the course and almost take Gilbert out! Oh wait, here's the sprint: Right on Philippe--you've done that jersey proud!

Wild Thing: and, over at the Holland Ladies Tour (won since, well, birth by Marianne Vos), Kirsten Wild's added two outta three stages so far to her existing huge palmares, tho' ever-fearsome Trixi Worrack remains race leader. Watch out Giorgia Bronzini, now Kirsten's racking up the multiple stage wins--I call a contest! Here's her first one:

Orange You Glad I Didn't Say Alonso: meantime, future-non-Euskaltel continues to move along (waaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! waaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! waaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!), with none other than a former ONCE rider and Lance's ol' teammie Chechu Rubiera rumored to be near signing on to manage the squad, with you-goddamn-better-keep-Euskaltel's-Igor-Gonzalez-de-Galdeano as reputed technical director. Possible complication: Bjarne Riis sez he's, like, totally best buds with Alberto Contador, who's still under contract anyway, and he's not gonna address a buncha stupid lunch-room rumors that from a buncha jealous alpha-beeyotches anyway. Get ready to fight for your man, Alonso--or at least pay the hell up for 'im!

Speaking of Guys With Bad Seasons: I gotta admit, I'm starting to feel pretty bad for Andy Schleck, who wasn't even selected to the Luxembourg Worlds squad this year. Ah geez, I'm gettin' soft--get your legs back soon Andy, at least just to stop the indignity!

Bee Movie: last but not least, serious props to red-jersey bad-!@# Vincenzo Nibali, stung by a bee in the face during training, unable to properly treat it (to Vino's unsurprising rage, considering the !@#$ *he's* taken), and still posting a great time in the individual time trial. I'd say "forza," but you've already demonstrated your strength pretty clearly, right?

It's Yer Vuelta a Espana Rest-Day Roundup!

Well, it's been a lively and rather unexpected stages 1-10 at this year's fabulous Vuelta, and today, while the boys rest up and field uncomfortable press questions, it's time to take stock. So what've we learned so far?

1. No, there's no evidence to suggest that double stage-winner Chris Horner, age approximately 96, has done anything, y'know, suspect. But *damn*, it sure looks weird.

2. Samu' and the rest of Euskaltel have been very distressed emotionally. So bite me! Go to hell! They will too come back and win a bucket o' stages and make up four minutes and podium!

3. Speaking of Euskaltel, you gotta love SaxoTinkoff oligarch/raging nutwhack Oleg Tinkov for his cheerful !@#$-you tweet: "If Bjarne get rid of Conta I may re-think may departure from #TeamSaxoTinkoff". There's elegance (and certainly no sour grapes) in your compliments to those you work with, Oleg!

4. Yep. Alejandro Valverde continues to creep me out a little. Oh, but all that was so very long ago...

5. Geez, disgraced-'n-redeemed elder statesman Ivan Basso's really lookin' pretty strong out there. Plus, he's so dreeeeeeeeamy!

6. Didja see Giorgia Bronzini blitzed another sprint, *again*? !@#$, just kick out a coupla the ProTour teams barely gacking it through the stages out there and let her in instead!

7. Speaking of sprints, I still think Tyler Farrar can take one. One good win and I'm sure he'll snap outta his funk!

8. If Andy Schleck were here, and losing, he'd be lauded all over the place for his amazing accomplishments. So why're Ten Dam and Mollema taking so much crap?

Well, I'm sure I missed a lotta important stuff, but I'll leave that to those with more of a clue than I got. As for tomorrow, lookin' forward to some GC damage in the time trial, let's get the next few flat stages over with, then it's time for some serious pain next weekend!

Euskaltel Saved?! SortaKindaNotReallyMaybeButI'llTakeAnythingICanGetAtThisPoint

Aupa...Whoever You're Gonna Be!: Yes, our dear Euskaltel-Euskadi's ProTour license has been bought out by ridiculously wealthy Formula 1 auto racer/Samu' riding pal/Contador close bud Fernando Alonso. And so, our beloved squad's gonna kinda continue in the way that, well, QuickStep became I'm-still-not-calling-it-Omega-Pharma and ONCE became Liberty Seguros became Astana and--hey, you know the sponsorship dance. Except it'll be based in Asturias, not the Basque country, telecom company Euskaltel is out, no other Basque institution will take it on, and it'll be built up into a whole new squad. Big (if agonizingly temporary) saving grace--it'll remain basically still our darling little Basque carrots through next year (to the extent this year's stupid points-grabbing strategy didn't already toss Amets and the rest of 'em to other squads like last night's compost-tossed leftovers) and perhaps even a bit into 2015, with anyone having a current contract like Samuel Sanchez, Igor Anton (nice try QuickStep!), Mikel Nieve and the Izagirre brothers stayin' with the squad at least til those run out. So in the end, is this good or bad? Well, he's clearly gonna take it international, so the soul of our unique little squad'll be lost. Alonso's already paying homage to the past, firmly laying out his goals for the future, but imploring the rabid orange army fans to stick with 'im. As a modest reprieve, ex-Euskaltel rider/current DS Igor Gonzalez de Galdeano is expected to stay, and, if we're in any luck, Alonso's not planning to completely gut it yet buy a buncha totally irrelevant whogivesacrapaboutems and stuff the remaining Euskaltel talent into Team Contador domestique uber-servitude til we've had til say 2016 to digest the loss. So here's the new king's site, and the press release. Oh, either way I can't stand it--I'll take what I can get but they'll never truly be who they were--treat those twee little Basque climbers well, Alonso, or you'll *need* a freakin' racecar to outrun those fans!

It's Yer Most 'a Week One Vuelta a Espana ('n' Nother Stuff) Roundup!

What Happened: yeah, you saw it: they rolled off a glass thingie, the uphills started almost instantaneously, Chris Horner redeemed RadioSkank's whole season grabbing the leader's jersey then lost it on some crap split to Nibali who really oughtn't have it so soon 'cause the last thing he needs is to squander the hell outta the squad's energy so early so he better hope Horner hasn't sought weight-stuffing solace in a giant McFlurry binge, Euskaltel is clearly waiting patiently to slaughter everyone this coming week (bite me! are too! and they're really stressed, so stuff it!), there's now officially at least two Saxo-Tinkoff riders Oleg Tinkov won't be breakin' their kneecaps before the end of the season so clearly there's some brains (and legs) left in that troubled operation, and there's been a buncha fast flat stages and I honestly do hope poor psyched out Tyler Farrar wins one 'cuz he really can do it but he's had an awful tough coupla years and has no lead-out to boot so cut him some freakin' slack !@#dammit. Yesterday: your early but clear winner of the 2013 Racejunkie Awards for Agonizing Almost Win o' the year in a truly soul-smooshing nail-biting finish after basically a 174.99k solo time trial by gutsy Tony Martin: Holy crap Tony you've got heart--one of the few performances I've seen of late that really, genuinely qualifies as "epic"!

What's Gonna Happen: this weekend, we finally hit some hills this weekend, baby, and it's time for (1) Samu' to take back some time, (2) Rodriguez to spit Horner off the podium like a glommy scrappy lougie; and (3) Valverde to either (a) make a spectacular move or (b) have a spectacular crack. Dear little retired-but-all-kindsa-into-youth-cycling-and-still-happy-riding-his-bike-and-hangin'-with-his-kids 2008 Tour de France champ Carlos Sastre's assessment: not really properly deferential to Sanchez's fabulousness, but bettin' on long-ago-and-admittedly-underrated ex-teammate Purito for an inevitable if-not-now-soon Grand Tour victory, and correctly pegging Euskaltel's Mikel Nieve as Spanish star o' the future. So we still love you Sastre!

'Nother Stuff Roundup: Cadel's not gonna ride the Tour anymore because he doesn't think he can win, but for a purported run at the Worlds Contador is drastically downscaling his expectations after a crap 2013, Wiggo has completely conceded defeat, Cav honestly misses the track, disgusting vindictive sycophant/enabler Pat "Dick" McQuaid continues to try to wreck the sport I can even believe he thinks he loves, and anyone who ever, *ever*, EVER uses the glorious Giro and/or Vuelta as also-rans to the Tour because they can't bag the Grand Boucle doesn't deserve to win those far-cooler races anyway. Oh, and Thomas "the Grimace" Voeckler nabbed a stage win after his indifferent July at the Tour-of-Sorry-I-Really-Suck-At-Spelling-Stuff-In-French-No-Diss-Intended, so right on to him, and here, his fine victory: Okay, it's on to Land o' No Blog Coverage for a coupla days, so Vuelta fans, enjoy the race!

DS Strangelove: Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and (Almost) Love Johan Bruyneel

Johan (Kinda) Speaks: OK, he's the scourge of the sport. And let's face it, the man is nowhere near as darling as, say, ultimo guilty pleasure Alexandre Vinokourov. But I gotta say, his bangin' interview with the fine folks over at cyclingnews--replete with well-advised refusals to answer anything *really* fun--almost made me rethink my knee-jerk loathing of the dissembling weasel who masterminded the most successful, sophisticated, and omerta-enforcing systemic doping program in cycling history--and let's be honest, that's saying a *lot*. Why? Mainly, I must admit, because prima-donna extreme-co-dependent overrated-but-pretty-good-for-a-lazy-!@# Andy Schleck, and his wind-beneath-my-wings brother Frank, clearly annoyed the hell outta him. And yeah, why *didn't* anyone expect anything out of Andy's vaguely improved Tour de France form at say the Vuelta? Bombshell allegation: not that Alberto Contador was so pissed at his egomaniacally publicity-whoring hero Armstrong's comeback that he almost left on the spot, but that he was so pissed he almost signed for relentlessly clean zero-tolerance reformed-wah-wah-hiring-only *Garmin*, which apparently was ready to take him on despite his even then disgusting alleged (and totally unrepentant throughout) history. Still angry your voluntarily-doping ex-worker-bee Jonathan Vaughters got exalted as Clean Savior o' Cycling along with half yer other dirty boys while you got exiled from the sport you launched into heretofore-unheard-of (on our side of the pond) cash-cow world-famous cult worship? Uh, yep!

Euskaltel Doesn't Do Too Bad!: shut up, did not either: sure, Vincenzo Nibali already grabbed the leader's jersey (which I presume he'll ditch right soon), and gained nigh a minute on most of his rivals, but dear Euskaltel-Euskadi didn't do we love Samuel Sanchez *too* much damage on the ITT: despite basically being sorta slaughtered by Henao at Sky and Valverde at Movistar, Samu was still only about 15 seconds down on Joaquim Rodriguez, and a good 10 up on long-shot Ivan Basso after the first Vuelta stage, if you don't count the fact (as I naturally do not) that he got kinda dropped today too because HE IS CLEARLY INTENTIONALLY SAVING A VICIOUS BLAST OF PODIUM-BLITZING ENERGY FOR HIS WEAKLING GC COMPETITORS IN THE PYRENEES. Aupa Euskalteeeeeeeeeeeeellllll--now get up off the ground Igor and Mikel, and take those mountains *on*!

One Divine Hammer (Not Coming Down on SaxoBank): and, congrats to stage 2 Vuelta winner/SaxoBank great-hire Nicholas Roche, who not only grabbed a great stage on the first uphill finish of the race, but way beats dog-house-dwellin' Contador as one rider team boss Oleg Tinkov ain't gonna slag on Twitter, well, today. Great job Roche--maybe you could, y'know, share the secrets of today's success with yer team leader?

Sufferin' 'Til Suffrage: finally, colossal shout-out to officially-launched Women's Cycling Association, dedicated to promoting the women's sport and, one hopes, shortly inaugurating the first three-week women's Tour de France. Thank you to all at WCA--I look forward to seeing you and your mentees scorchin' the tarmac for many years to come!

It's Yer Vuelta a Espana in Preview, Part Dos!: The GC Contenders, and 'Nother Stuff

Yep, the glorious Vuelta is really nigh--woo-hoo! So now that we know all about the course--which, basically, is "!@#$ I hate team trials I already have to make up 59 seconds," "up," "more up," "seriously up," "Jesus can we get a !@#$in' rest day already?" and "ow, !@#$!"--who's our contenders for the coveted golden jersey of General Classification champ in Madrid? These 'uns:

Samuel Sanchez (Euskaltel): shut up! will too! bite me! Fresh from skipping the Tour, and with the major pressure of both team leader and Carrying His Squad Off Into History (aaaiaaiiiiiigggghhhhh!) With a Noble Unforgettable Bang, Samu' is rested from skipping the Tour, kindly escorted dark horse rival/good bud Ivan Basso up the decisive climb barely a week past, and is trying hard to put the team's troubles aside to focus on his beloved home race. Plus, his squad is desperate to put on a serious farewell show for their screaming heartbroken local orange-army fans. Podium, dammit!

Alejandro Valverde (Movistar): screwed at the Tour by a crosswind and the Worst Timed Mechanical in All Human History, but still scrappy enough (and up against a depleted Contador enough) to handsomely come back, everyone's favorite blood ba--uh, catastrophically erratic powerhouse is interested in revenge, and to reclaim the Grand Tour that should've been his. Who's not here and who he doesn't have to nursemaid (to be fair, like the kid even needs it): mountain freak-o'-nature Nairo Quintana, so he's got the whole team at his disposal no matter what happens, like he forgets to eat and bonks spectacularly, he's really unhappy with the way "American Idol" is going, he develops an exceedingly distracting hangnail, or his bike spontaneously explodes when some hapless caring fan tosses water over Alejandro to cool 'im on a climb and it reacts badly with the rocket fuel leaking from a hidden canister in his top tube. Good luck, Alejandro--though let's be honest, it squicks out an awful lotta people when you win stuff!

Vincenzo Nibali: heralded as the likely winner as he rested up and sat out July, and also really, really wants Paolo Bettini to back him for the Worlds, but here's his prob: he put on a bucket o' lead weight on his !@# and didn't (and sorta couldn't) train during his obligatory post-Giro victory tours of Italy and Kazakhstan, had a sludgy Tour o' Poland, and has been psyched out being publicly lectured by his team management ever since. Major Plus: Alexandre Vinokourov will personally and with the bonus assistance of large hired goons break his !@#$in' legs into a million tiny toothpicks if he doesn't win anyway. There is nothing to fear but fear itself, Vincenzo--and Vino, so hunker down and ride like you mean it, or else!

Joaquim Rodriguez (Katusha): honest, what can't Purito do? Yes, he's tired like everyone else from the Tour, but he is consistent, he is tranquillo, he is wily, and even out of his mind with exhaustion he's still capable of a surprise punch. More, he is expert at gauging the relative weaknesses of his rivals and conserving or blowing his own resources accordingly. We love you Purito--but we still hope Samu' kicks your !@#!

Who the Hell Knowses: yep, there's Ivan all right, jacked out of his darling and reliable Giro and still the Tour with a disgusting golf-ball-sized cyst of the nether regions. Still, even as he ages like a fine preservative-stuffed cheese, our formerly amazingly arrogant Next Lance can sneak in under the radar with modest expectations, his slow-n'-steady rather'n showily (ex)Contadorian style, and some bizarrely !@#$ luck for the other GC guys. In bocca al lupo, Ivan--you're gonna need it! Other folks to watch: Sky's 2012 superdomestique climber Sergio Henao, Tour de France absolute Contador savior Roman Kreuziger, and even, it's rumored (hyped, whatever), Garmin and we love Ireland's Dan Martin. Chris Horner sez so too, but holy moly--have you *seen* who he's up against for heck's sake?

Who Ain't Here: the aforementioned Quintana, the broken dispirited totally-whipped utterly-in-hiding Contador, and Tour champ Chris Froome. What is he, an idiot he'd take the PR chance of chokin' on this gig after his fantabulous July?

Fun Stuff to Watch: can Philippe Gilbert finally break the Curse of the Rainbow Jersey and get a !@#damn stage already, or will it be left up to perpetual BMC cleanup-crew Marco Pinotti to take it home? Can Tyler Farrar get a win here before the mountains slaughter 'im or what? Have Bauke Mollema and Theo Bos recovered enough from July to inspire continued confidence that they can live up to their breathless bodice-ripper press-hype? Why the !@#$ is Cofidis even here besides the fact they have to be? And, keep yer eye on' Giro d'Italia Holy Crap I Can't Believe They Gave Contador's Victory to This Clown winner Michele Scarponi of all people, gettin' older, pissing off Lampre with his involvement in yet another systemic team doping scandal so why are they all mad at him those ludicrous hypocrites if they egged him on to do it, and dearly hoping for continued employment. Yep, as usual, all the real fun'll be in the sideshow--so let's keep our eyes on the main stage, but enjoy the freak show outside!

All right, dear reader: it's time for the along-with-the-Giro the bitchinest race of the year, and darling Euskaltel, time for the team TT of your lives!

It's Yer Vuelta a Espana Preview, Part Uno!; and, Bonus Boonen Nut News!

Yes, despite the bone-crushing news of Euskaltel-Euskadi's season-end demise (aaaaaiiiiggghhhhhhh! aaaaaiiiigggggggh! aaaaiaiiigggghh!), we can console ourselves with this: it's the fabulous Vuelta a Espana, baby! Yer Part Un Preview:

The Course: this ain't no wimpy Tour de France, baby--stage one we've got a 27k individual time trial to get someone into gold, then it's right into the mountains and some serious pain from there. 1 team time trial, 1 individual (and mercifully hilly) time trial, 6 pretty flat stages, and 13--count 'em, 13--medium to high mountain stages, with 11 leg-munching mountain-top finishes to send Euskaltel and the GC contenders soaring and pretty well everyone else crumbling like a pile of stale cookies. Some stages to watch: Stage 2's 177k schlep up the Cat 1 Alto do Monte de Groba. Stage 8: we pile on some serious high-altitude agony with finishes at, on consecutive days, the Cat 1 Alto de Penas Blancas and the hors categorie Alto de Hazallanas. Next up, a 38 k individual time trial to freak out the GC contenders, then it's right into the Pyrenees, with an epic schlep up to the Col de Peyragoudes, three more mountain top finishes, and, on the second to last day, the surely decisive Angliru'. Ouch for them--woo-hoo for us! Sprints?: really, it's not the Tour, who gives a crap? The official website: lavuelta com. Onwards and lots of upwards, beeyotches!

Bonus Boonen News!: and, in a totally irrelevant but still earth-shattering diversion--and no, I'm not ready to discuss Euskaltel transfers (aiiiigggghhhhhhh! aaaaaiiiigggghhhhh! aaaaiiiigggghhhh!) yet--poor Tom Boonen's crap 2013 season is officially over, tanked by a nut-crushing saddlesore and, gnarliest of all, fear that surgery on this tender area would cause a lumpy and distinctly saddle-uncomfortable scar in an extremely sensitive area. Rest up, whet away that excess energy on your Ferrari, and come back unsored and ready for revenge in 2014, Tommeke!

Part Dos: the GC contenders. And stage fighters. Aupa Samuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

Euskaltel-Euskadi, 1994-2013: You Suck, Cycling Sponsors!

Yes, after years of horrid rumors and monstrous suggestions o' imminent doom, it's finally come true: dear Euskaltel-Euskadi can't come up with the dough (despite my offer to hold a bakesale, I might add), and is officially shutting down, with the fabulous Vuelta a Espana as its brave last stand. A mild and wholly inadequate plus: they'll be bringing one of their strongest teams ever, with loyal leader/Olympic gold medalist/HOW THE !@#$ COULD YOU LET THIS TEAM DIE YOU LOATHESOME BASTARDS/Tour de France KOM so stuff it we love Samuel Sanchez aiming for--and no doubt landing on--the podium, Tour 2013 revelation Mikel Nieve, the erratic but oh-so-close-to-recent-Vuelta-victory Igor Anton, Egoi, Gorka, Juanjo, Pablo, and 'nother Mikel Landa to leave all the other mountain wannabes piteously crawling in their wake and liven up every breakaway with an often-futile-if-ever-glorious show of bravado.

I gotta say, my heart's breaking. I mean !@#$, this is like the day Shea Stadium closed. Euskaltel is a key reason I fell in love with pro cycling in the first place, its wee featherweight climbers scaling unimaginable steeps with shocking tranquillity, the heaving hulking sprinters gacking helplessly two passes back in the autobus, their screaming orange fans always the best and most entertaining in the biz. Flawed, fragile Iban Mayo--shut up! bite me!--still remains one of my favorite climbers of all time, and it's been nice to see he's regained his happiness after an awful if self-inflicted tumultuous time, and it's been lovely to see the riders I began with graduate into DS and other roles in the team. And despite the disgusting cannibalism of the other teams often grasping the best of Euskaltel's talent with their fat gaudy checkbooks and vulgar Euskaltel-crushing budgets--and most notably in my opinion, dragging Haimar Zubeldia from a GC contender to a superdomestique, but what the hell, he picked RadioSkank--seeing the exes bloom at squads like Movistar was an acceptable, if still disappointing, alternative. The team's forced last-season flirtation with ditching its essential Basqueness in favor of WorldTour points from seemingly lesser riders is, to me, already forgotten, a bad hangover from a brilliant night out. Euskaltel could never time trial, either individually or as a charmingly wind-blown team but then, it never cared. And the first time it really took sprinting seriously--with Lobato, this season--the kid took a freakin' 4th in the Tour de France. But its fundamental characteristics--its unique regional focus, its astonishingly consistent and seemingly carefree ability to climb, its almost incestuous relationship with its fan base, the perpetual love of the riders, past and present, for the team--never once changed in a fickle, political sport. I guess nothing rhymes with orange after all, and I suppose nothing ever will. In sum there was something very sweet about the squad in a field of desperately lost or annoyingly swaggering counterparts, and for that I'll always be grateful. Aupa and thank you Euskaltel-Euskadi--now, let's take this show out with a bang!

Euskaltel-Euskadi Ain't Dead Yet; and, News From the Department of Who Gives a !@#$?

Euskaltel, American Squad?: yes, Euskaltel head honcho (and former rider) Igor Gonzalez de Galdeano has, in contrast to a rumored "today" deadline and earlier suggestions that the boys were free to fly outta the nest, confirmed that the riders aren't *yet* free to go--the team now plans to hold off on an announcement of its fate until (1) the start of the Vuelta or (2) September 1 at the latest. Great, way to psych our dear carrots out for their last potential major race (aaaiiiiggghhhhh!) in orange and black! Latest talk: merger with a freakin' *American* team, which means (1) if Euskaltel does this, and moves here, and ditches their kit, and destroys their philosophy, and hoses over Samuel Sanchez, I'll cry; and (2) uh....yeah, I'll cry. !@#dammit Euskaltel, just sort this out already--my tender innocent heart can't stand the suspense! Look, look, see what bitchin' bikes they ride--how can you *not* give them tons of dough?

No Way! *Way*!: look, in an ideal world, I think everyone who ever doped should be barred from cycling for life. In fact, any obnoxious self-serving asshat who makes a big sanctimonious snake-oil wah-wah after they got popped and themselves had to compete against dirty people or justify their sick Swiss bank accounts should be banned for life *twice*. And for anyone who did that *and* claims they totally coincidentally stopped doping right when the statute of limitations on getting in trouble ran out in 2006--which is funny 'cause I seem to recall like 8000 !@#$in' positives in the 2008 Tour alone--they oughta get a bonus giant kick in the nuts. But realistically back here on Planet Earth, if we did all that, the only people we'd have left to run the whole show'd be like one soigneur a coupla mechanics and a towel boy. So, in the spirit of anti-doping in which I firmly believe, can I say in all honesty I actually don't give a !@#$ that Andreas Klier--what? a rider from Telekom? nuh-*uh*, you liars!--doped in 2005? Did he win 7 Tours? Orchestrate one of the most successful and lucrative systemic doping programs in history? Make it his golden-hero hypocrite life's work to go all destroyer-thug on anyone who fairly called bull!@#$ and threatened his power? No? Then congratulations, we've got a garden-variety jerkface in the house--bad, bad boy Andreas, can we get back to anti-doping efforts that matter *now*?

Four Days Til Decision Time for Euskaltel; the Vuelta Shapes Up; and, Thoooooooooooooor!

T minus Four for the Carrots!: yes, as sick, perverted rumors of Euskaltel riders signing for other, crappy, non-Euskaltel squads continue to pollute the cycling world, our beloved team's reportedly set to announce a decision on its future--one way or the other--on Thursday, which means either (1) party's at my place! or (2) you can peel my drunken, sobbing !@# off the booze-sticky bar of my local dive watering hole. In the meantime, loyal riders are denying ready contracts with other teams, and they're tearing up the tarmac in possible farewell to boot. !@#dammit, the sucky French squads that continue to get funded in this sport, and *these* guys can't find a sponsor--aiiiggghhhhhhhhh!

The Vuelta Contenders Tune Up: sure, featherweight climbing genius Nairo Quintana took the final stage and the whole Tour of Burgos, but he ain't riding the Vuelta, so for my money it's all about the contenders--and Vincenzo Nibali (just using it for Worlds training, he sez), Ivan Basso (just aiming for a podium, he sez), and Samuel Sanchez (too polite to speculate) are all lookin' pretty well even, tho' Vincenzo just tweeted he's ready 'n' rarin. Alejandro Valverde? On vacation, so he's still got a few days more to rest up get his legs in order--and learn to pay attention to the !@#$in' crosswinds I hope!

Wiggo, Wherefore Art Thou (for 2014) Wiggo?: and, as the Eneco Tour rolls underway this week, none other'n Sir Brad Wiggins is gracing the peloton with his presence, and if he's not too distracted jamming with whatever of-the-moment band has caught his fancy, perhaps he might weigh in on this: if domestique-o'-the-millenium Richie Porte is ready to take on GC at the Giro next year, and Froome of course will be defending (if he even has to, considering the results) his Tour de France, and Brad completely unable to keep up with Euskaltel in the vicious Vuelta mountains even if the squad's freakin' dissolved and not even there by then, what the hell *is* our first British Tour winner gonna do for a 2014 razzle-dazzle encore? Oh, *Cav's* got the grace to be a water boy with his unquestioned supremacy in other areas--but really, a Tour de France winner? Ah well, I suppose that sort of sportsmanship is something they teach 'im in knight school anyway....

I Can't Even Think of a Stupid Thor's Hammer Metaphor Right Now: last but not least, after a complete blow of a season, new Norwegian champ Thor Hushovd's finally officially got his groove back, nailing two sprints and the overall at the Arctic Tour of Norway. Hey, if lovable big lugs are on the upswing again, can Tom Boonen get his poor nuttal sanctity in order and stop this terrifying and disgusting suggestion of retirement already? Anyway, here, despite a notable lack of the typical annoying club music on the clip, hardy Thor just nips the win on the line: Welcome back Thor--I'm sure this bodes well for a bangin' 2014!

Let's Build Giorgia Bronzini a Giant Gleaming Golden Monument to Her Brilliance!

A.goddam.mazing: One sprint is boss. Two is great. Three is awesome. Four is astonishing. Five--well, for my money, five in a row is enough to enshrine you as the greatest sprinter of all time. What's more, she always, always compliments her rivals and thanks her great team. Yep, Emma Johansson's still in the lead at the Route de France, but moly, Giorgia is truly unstoppable. Bow, bow before la Bronzini, you (well, we) peasants! Here, some stage 4 highlights: Forzaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Blinded By the Light: in "oh my god!" merger news, a Basque newspaper's reported that Lampre "Home of a Thousand Mantova Investigations" Merida is interested in merging with our beloved Euskaltel, which I suppose I can accept without having a total breakdown under a just couple of minor conditions: (1) everyone at Euskaltel gets to stay; (2) anyone who's ever left Euskaltel (you know who you are!) gets to come back; (3) the team kit remains orange and black; and (4) the team still gets to be called Euskaltel. Still, I do rather love Lampre for not only its Bedazzlered Disney-princess team kit, but the delicious irony of Michele Scarponi getting awarded Alberto Contador's Giro after his later-season doping DQ a ways back. Just don't bring any of yer poison into my beloved orange army, you heathens! Oh, for heck's sake, can't you guys just sell off a few assets to save some money *and* save the team in its own right, y'know, maybe a team "donkey cart" instead of a fancy team "bus" or somethin'll do....

Welcome Back, Manolo!: and, for those of you too morally superior to hire reprehensible outcasts like Bobby Julich or Eric Zabel, but who now inconveniently can't find anyone cleaner to fill the management ranks, the great ONCE-Eroski/Liberty Seguros mastermind Manolo "Briefcase" Saiz has announced he's interested in being back in the game, perhaps in such a tender role as mentoring innocent young riders in their starry-eyed journey to cycling superstardom. Y'know, to be fair, he's right to point out he did a darn good job with a jailbait Alberto Contador and a spring-chicken Rodriguez--and heck, his palmares-o-sleaze isn't *so* too much the worst of the bunch, amiright?

Giorgia! Tommeke! A Whole Buncha Races! Euskaltel!

Third Time's a--Holy !@#$ She's Fast!: yes, while the women's peloton fights for its Tour de France, right now it's at least got its Route de France, except that it pretty much belongs to Wiggle-Honda speeding bullet Giorgia Bronzini, who bagged her third straight stage win today as Emma Johansson somehow kept the GC. Tomorrow: the rest of the peloton kicks back with a beer and some nachos just shakin' their heads as she takes it, *again*. Brava Giorgia you bad-!@#!

Sittin' On the Dock of the Bay ('Cause He Sure Can't Sit on His Saddle): and, erstwhile Belgian studpup dear Tom Boonen, already beset with freak infections and other injuries all season, has been stricken *again*, now nutwhacked (literally) for at least a month by a vicious groinal saddle cyst. Reached for comment at home, Boonen reportedly said, "ow, !@#$!" Dang, first Basso, now Tommeke--good luck airing out the works Tom, and maybe think about changing yer chamois (and/or cremes) ahead of next season if yours ain't hitting you right!

Races!: meantime, as save-Euskaltel-dammit's Samuel Sanchez gets ready to slug it out with some other Vuelta faves at the Tour of Burgos, Thor Hushovd, hot off his two wins at the Tour of Poland, is now ready to take on the Arctic Race of Norway. Race highlight: the riders and hungry local polar bears go mano-a-claw for musettes in the midday feed zone on the clearly decisive Stage 2. Ride fast, boys--or else! Back here in the US, the Tour of Utah's already underway as Andy Schleck gets ready to be lionized for just hangin' in there at the upcoming USA Pro Challenge. Oh, come on, just let Jensie off the leash and let baby Schleck fend for himself--he'll be fine next season when he's got Frank back anyway!

Cannibals! Cannibals I Tells Ya!: finally, despite Euskaltel's smashing late season performance, rumors are increasing by the day as to where stars like Mikel Nieve and Igor Anton are gonna head next season, and frankly, if you're all too damn cheap to chip in with me to save the team, I say we just take the money buy a !@#$load of Basque wine and get freakin' loaded til the end of transfer season and all the WorldTour contracts are signed 'cause I for one simply can't take the pain. And at least we'll have something to toast the squad's fabulous farewell performance in the Vuelta! Oh, Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Oleg Tinkov, *somebody*--save us loyal Carrot fans from this horrid fate and keep Euskaltel alive!

Enough With the Bull!@#$ Already!: An Official, *Honest* Script for Doping Confessions

Good morning. I've called you here today to address my recent and profoundly patronizing statement that I doped once in (insert year) after an all-day game of beer pong with Lance Armstrong. It's crap. In fact, I doped my entire professional career, I liked it, and I did it as often as I could. Oh, I didn't enjoy the needles in my butt or the adhesive hormone patches I had to rip off my nuts or that time I p*ssed black and almost croaked in the men's room, but I sure did like the results! Like I became a pro cyclist to *lose* races, you nimrod?

As to my Therapeutic Use Exemption for (insert banned substance), it's also crap. You ever notice no-one ever needs to take any !@#$ that *hurts* their performance? Not to call out those 80 other guys who suddenly medically need a giant hit of oxygen-carrying drugs right before a sprint or a huge mountain stage, though!

Next, I'll discuss my earlier insistence that no-one else ever helped or encouraged me to dope. What are you, idiots? (Insert name of sponsor) condoned it, (insert name of Directeur Sportif) expected it,(insert name of team doctor) administered it, and *everyone* was happy to rake in the dough. I didn't just conjure this crap up from some back-yard home-made meth lab! Hell, even we riders can distinguish a blood bag from a freakin' Pepsi in the ol' team-bus fridge, not to mention those coolers full of syringes and briefcases of cash in the DS's grandmother's trunk.

I'd also like to say why I am making this confession today. Frankly, I got popped. And if I didn't already *get* popped, I was *about* to get popped, so I had no other choice. Yep, it's completely self-serving, all right! I mean, one, I obviously didn't care enough to break omerta when I was winning with it, and two, no !@#$in' way am I competing clean now when every jackhole around me is still takin' it and beating my !@#!

Finally, I'd like to extend my full support to the new "clean" generation of cycling. Not only are you admirably continuing our old-skool tradition of beating the tests for a good five or ten years before you're busted, and hosing those truly unmedicated riders who actually buy into that unicorns-n-rainbows fantasy, but you've also managed to convince everyone that a handful of eejits getting nailed for cheap outdated !@#$ this year somehow means that everyone else with huge wallets access to more sophisticated practices and the power statistics of a prey-hungry cheetah is now absolutely clean. Chapeau!

I'll now proceed to rat out to the narcs out all the doping hypocrites who openly remain in the peloton, team management, or coaching roles who are silently and self-righteously watching me go down in flames as some loser scapegoat while you cash in for the rest of your lives off your ill-amassed fame and fortune. Knock-knock, mother!@@#$%s!

Euskaltel! Taylor! Thor! Nibali! Ullrich! A Brief (I Swear) News Roundup

Yay Carrots! Oh No Carrots!: yes, as brave team leader Samu' still sez he ain't lookin' for a new team yet, and the new sponsor search becomes ever more desperate, jailbait signing/Tour de France sprint top-4 (!) finisher Juan Jose Lobato bagged a bitchin' win today at Circuit de Getxo, so sponsors, give those guys some damn dough already! Downer: a downright pessimistic Igor Anton is already linked to Lampre, further decimating what's left of the squad. Upper: Samu is ready to pound the competition one more time at the Vuelta. Aupa Euskalteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel--and someone save this team !@#dammit!

Taylor!: what do you get for a smashing leadout, redeeming yer loss-battered sprinter, and having both amazing guts and tactical sense, all before you're barely outta diapers? You get karma, baby--and here's Taylor Phinney's move for the Tour o' Poland stage win barely a second ahead of the pack! Get Thor another stage and you can have yourself a lolly...

Thor!: sure, he didn't make the BMC Tour squad--and a hell of a lotta good *that* did, by the way--and sure, he maybe only got his mojo back like a week ago when he grabbed the Norwegian championship, but big lug Thor Hushovd ain't finished yet--with, as noted, a great lead-out by Taylor at the Tour of Poland stage 3, he finally brought home the goods. Worlds, Thor--you oughta go for the Worlds--hell, it's not like you're Cav, you can climb!

Vincenzo!: meantime, the squadra azzurra for the Worlds is shaping up, with ct/former world champ we love Paolo Bettini deriding flashy tatted Ken-doll Pippo Pozzato as all talk/no action, Il Piccolo Principe Cunego as nowheresville, and Ivan Basso as--hey, at least Basso pulled off a Giro fairly recently! He will, though, put the full force of his flyweight behind Nibali, who, though a post-Giro publicity-tour pudgester, Paolo is confident'll be on sharp form in just a few days' training. Forza Nibali--and Pippo, maybe "only God can judge you," but Bettini's tryin', isn't he!

Jan Defends Armstrong: last but not least, you gotta give--well, somethin'--to erstwhile ex-doper Jan Ullrich, advocating passionately for the return of ol' rival Lance Armstrong's 7 Tour de France titles because "!@#$, it's not like they can give 'em to me." Oh, so he took a fridge's-worth o' dope every evening, wah wah wah--you tell me, is *that* support of his bud not sportsmanship!?

Planet Cycling is a Cold, Barren, Airless Place--oh Euskaltel!

In Space (Without a Sponsor, No One Can Hear You Scream): yep, after year upon year of dire death-knell predictions, and even this season's disastrous forced experiment with large-scale foreign hiring, it looks like it may finally be true--my dear Euskaltel-Euskadi's riders have been given free rein to look for other squads, and with the exception of darling holdouts-til-the-very-last-second former Olympic Gold medalist and Tour King of the Mountains (and current and future god) Samuel Sanchez and Igor Anton, they've already started scoring (sucky! they're all just sucky!) new homes at, according to various rumors, SaxoContador'sBeeyotch (Mikel Nieve) and Movistar (everyone else they wanna pick from the carcass so screw you you big-money carrion-suckin' vultures!). Great--so even if Euskaltel *finds* another sponsor, their very soul's already been decimated! So, for those sorry few who *don't* know, why is your world now total crap without your even realizing why? Here's why: for nineteen years, the best climbers in the world, almost all Basque over the years, from a relatively small yet astonishingly gifted place. The most passionate--nay, nearly insane--fans, who're still most kind and encouraging to anyone else passing by. Their tireless climbing legs. The way they scattered like those fluffy little dandelion fronds in the least bit of crosswind. The most bitchin' orange-and-black uniforms. Joseba. Iban. Samu'. Haimar. The Izagirres. And of course, a palmares teams like AG2R (who *still* have sponsors--!@#$!ing son of !@#$ !@#$%er !@#$ing !@#$!) could only beg for.

Me, I'm still willing to chip in and save the squad, even if I can maybe only swing a couple dozen boxes of energy gels. And there's still a chance this is all the usual apocalyptic bull!@#$ and they'll return next season, broke-!@# but dedicated as ever. Til then, good thing at least still sorely-missed Iban Mayo (shut up! he was a fragile victim of his hyperaggressive Armstrongian amoral time! bite me!) has a nice steady gig as an electrical contractor. But for me it'll always be Euskaltel for lighting up the sport! A 2012 retrospective (not bad considering the team was already screwed and in turmoil last year!):

Alberto Contador Is a Spoiled Lazy Princess; and, O'Crap O'Grady! the '98 Doping Pozes Come Down

No Time for Losers/'Cause He Wants a Champion: that's right Alberto, there *is* no difference between second and tenth place, and SaxoTinkoff team oligarch Oleg Tinkov wants to be sure you know it: you're a smug little lazy-!@# over-paid prima donna, and you can find yourself your own damn gullible sponsor, 'cause he is gonna buy himself HIS BIG OWN TEAM, with BIG STARS with a BIG WORK ETHIC who can WIN HIM BIG STUFF, UNLIKE YOU YOU TINY HAS-BEEN! Still, he's got a ton of respect for Bjarne Riis, even though his team management skills sucked, and really enjoyed working with you, although you grossly humiliated him, so HAVE FUN AT YOUR CRAP LOSER TEAM RIDING WHATEVER CRAP LOSER BIKE YOU CAN DIG OUT OF A DIME-STORE DUMPSTER because no-one else'll hire you, YOU SLACKER! Uh, Sky, you've been awful generous with Froomey and all--but maybe you oughta upgrade 'im from a Jaguar to a Lamborghini or something before Oleg pulls out the bottomless checkbook? Wait, this seems to be Boonen's old one, try this instead!

O'No I Can't Stand It!: yep, the '98 Tour de France doping pretty-darn-sure-you-naughty-boys-did-its are out, and the essence seems to be this: the only guys who *didn't* dope that year were the ones sneakin' outta their hotel rooms for a night o' booze coke and bimbos at the clubs while their more dedicated teammates stayed in responsibly for their nightly room-service doctor's visits. Oh Stuey--I knew it could be possible, but can the lot of you all just call a moratorium on this "I only tried it once and I didn't like it" and "no-one else had anything to do with it" guff--I'd rather you'd openly strolled around with a syringe stickin' out your butt your whole careers! Next up: you just *watch* yourselves class o' 2013, you morally righteous lying little snotbags--by the time the polar icecaps've melted and the continents have all crashed back into each other again, we are gonna *totally* find you out and bring you *down*!

It's Yer Post-Tour Celebrations 'n' Recriminations Roundup!

Yep, the fallout's fallin' thick 'n' fast outta Tour de France 2013, with BMC boss John Lelangue, with Cadel's future perhaps in doubt, heading out for "personal reasons," which generally means "we'll personally smack you upside the head if you personally *ever* come near our riders again," Froomey's team buying him a Jag to keep him pacified over Brad's continued existence, Trek purchasing both Schlecks despite Frank's just-expired ban because of Andy's faintest-hint-o-hope performance, sprint star Marcel Kittel getting a contract extension over his weird prior blood "treatments" because apparently they didn't help increase oxygen-carrying capacity anyway, and, most notably, erratic moneybags Contador team boss Oleg Tinkov threatening to make the whole lot of 'em look for a new sponsor and run for the hills because they made him look like a bragging clueless jackwagon talking so much smack about Sky. On the plus side, there's about to be a *whole* lotta high-end if lately underperforming talent to be had dirt-cheap for some lucky squads! Heck, when the official '98 Tour de France doping news officially breaks tomorrow, there's bound to be more'n one manager in the ranks who'll be grateful to keep their jobs as well...let the bargain-hunting begin!

The Vuelta Shapes Up!: meantime, it's starting to be clear who's all-in, and who's merely in, for the fabulous Vuelta a Espana, with Samuel Sanchez ready to fight for Euskaltel (and its very existence!), last year's Sky double-threat Rigoberto Uran and Sergio Henao coming in bright 'n' rested, a tired though determined Valverde looking to avenge his wheel-screwed Tour, Purito Rodriguez saying the Worlds are actually more important to him--what?! are you on *crack* Purito?!--Ivan Basso rarin' to go after being jacked outta the Tour by an extremely gnarly giant cyst of the buttal region, everyone still waiting on Contador, and, for my money besides Samu' who will make everyone cry for mercy, a fresh and excited Vincenzo Nibali. Forza Il Squalo, and aupa Samu--the rest of you guys, you just *wish*!

Well, I guess it's on to (half)-Truth 'n' Reconciliation tomorrow. Me, now that I'm over the shock of the Janster being dirty, I'll just keep tracking the road to the glorious Vuelta!

It's Yer 2013 Tour de France Racejunkie Awards!

Yap, Oscars, yap--this is pro cycling's biggest 'n' gaudiest show, so, fellow fans, it's time for our annual (and highly prestigious) Tour de France Racejunkie awards! Prizes: eternal golden glory (or sniveling shame), and--honest!--a pretty statue or custom-embroidered rj cap if any winner asks for one! So instead of some dopey tedious 10-minute musical preview act everyone'll hate to start the show, let's get right to our winners!

1. Camera-Whoring Running-Fan Originality Award: no, not those hideous neon banana-slings--it's the guy running up the mountains with the giant stuffed boar under his armpit. Mmmmm....creativity, *and* porky goodness!

2. Epic Fail o' the Race (non-Contador): ya give the Orica-Greenedge driver the okay to pass under the finish line banner, and you organizers (1) ram him flat stuck under and into the thing right as the sprint squads are bearing down and (2) cause about 60 broken limbs in the peloton contradicting yerselves in the last 3 k over where the finish line's gonna be. !@#$, why not just sucker-punch 'em all off their bikes at the start line and save 'em 5 hours in the saddle? Not to the mention the face-covering horror of the poor ol' Greenedge bus driver--honey, it *wasn't* your fault!

3. GC Surprise o' 2013: look, at least everyone knew the top finishers would be able to climb. But much as it kills me to say this, only Machiavellian Lance-mentor Johan Bruyneel that I could see *really* pegged brilliant young Colombian Nairo Quintana for the podium for the whole show. You *rock*, Quintana--and huge points for dedicating your fantastic stage win to injured mentor/countryman Mauricio Soler!

4. Big Whining Baby of the Tour: wah, I ride like a freak and you're asking me about doping, wah. Wah, Contador's not holding my hand down the mountain, wah. Wah, I don't wanna go down the Col de Sarenne or climb Alpe d'Huez, wah! Well you could obviously do all o' that without any problem, Chris Froome--so heartfelt congrats on your win, but you're the maillot jaune at the biggest prize in all of cycling, pal, quit yer cryin' and act like it!

5. Hardman o' the Race: y'know, he doesn't make a big fuss relative to his talent, and usually Stuey O'Grady bags this win because he's been hit by a train or eaten by tigers or sucked into a matter-crushing black hole or something, but Geraint Thomas--pounding his cracked pelvis into the saddle for 6 hours a day for three weeks in a row with nary a public peep o' pain--is the *man*. Chapeux, tough guy!

6. Bull!@#$ Rules Application Award (Time Cut Edition): cutting Tour de France debutante/all-round good guy Ted King--who separated his shoulder, I believe, in one of the pileups *you* clowns caused on the first day with the botched stuck-bus debacle--for a seven-second deficit in the team time trial, when you've repeatedly lifted this "strict rule" before for other (and surely no more hardworking) names, just sucked. Where's the fairness in *that*, jerks?

7. Bull!@#$ Rules Application Award (Feed Zone Edition): lemme get this straight--the near-unbeatable leader on GC blows his food intake, has a massively threatening hunger bonk on an important climb, and grabs some crucial nourishment denied to his more-prepared competitors, and all he gets is a do-nothing 20-second time penalty? Am I the only one who remembers Contador getting no mercy when he hunger-bonked some time back? That just bites. Next time, penalize the amount of time he *bought* from the other guys taking the illegal feed whydontcha?

8. Domestique o' the Tour: Roman Kreuziger, you deserve a *huge* raise and promotion for tugging Alberto Contador along. And Alejandro Valverde was a gracious, no-holds- barred helpmate for Quintana on the instant his own podium dreams were shattered. But Richie Porte, you blew up *every* *single* *stage* like a pin-stuck balloon for your man. What's more, you weren't even an impatient backstabbing open complainer like *your* boss was to *his* boss last year. I mean, your *work*--wow!

9. Punk-!@# Move of 2013: Cav, Cav, Cav. Sure, the great Robbie "Head-Butt" McEwen was capable of pulling a Mike Tyson and chompin' somebody's ear off, but ramming yer elbow into poor Veelers and steamrolling that nice lead-out boy into the tarmac for the horrendous offense of doing his job? *Not* nice, Mark Cavendish, *not* nice at all!

10. Savior of French Dignity Award: yes, I *am* still sniveling over Sylvain Chavanel not getting a stage win, thank you for your tender concern. But "super-combative" (though natch I'd have liked that one to go to Jens), *and* a historic win in the 100th edition of the race on the iconic Alpe d'Huez for what was right then an increasingly desperate and despondent nation? Champagne for you, Christophe Riblon--and I'm sure the Tour'll make it the really good stuff!

11. Monday-Morning Quarterback Prize: I guess the Giro wasn't such good prep for this year's race after all. But Cadel Evans, as always, you struggled on nobly, and whatever your future may bring, you're always--just not this time--a winner of the Tour de France!

12. Hype City Overkill of 2013: Peter Sagan, you are the fine and, for millions of dreamy-eyed fans, swoon-worthy winner of both a stage of this year's Tour de France and its superb green jersey champ. Congratulations! But for all that, the Hulk bike, the wheelies (amazo as your bike-handling skills are), and finally, your Kermit the Frog colored facial scruff were maybe just a *shade* too much compared to your pre-Tour multi-stage-win expectations. Sure entertained the fans though--now get thinkin' about hijinks for next year!

13. Mechanical o' the Race: yep, valiant Tejay's agonizing stage-18 chain-suck comes close--and he *still* rode so well--but Alejandro Valverde's dream-destroying wheel collapse on a theoretically-boring flat stage gets the win for sheer GC impact. Come on, like half of you wouldn't've been slightly squicked out seeing him up on the final podium anyway!

14. Liar Liar Pants on Fire Award: you did *not* see Marcel Kittel taking three freakin' sprints from Mark Cavendish, you Pinocchios! What you *did* see over and over again, however, was his bitchin' hairdo after the stage win. Let's all try to predict a little better next year--though I guess we know who'll bag the style award!

15. Team Tactic Head-Scratcher Prize: yer attackin' on the downhill but not attackin'? You're putting two guys up in the break then pullin' 'em back? Whatever the hell you were thinking out there everyday, Saxo-Tinkoff--and I have *no* clue what that is--you *did* grab the team classification out of it!

16. Last But Not Least, the Misty Moment of Tour de France 2013: whatever you think of Chris Froome, and whatever 5 years from now may or (we'll try hard to presume) may not show us, his shaking his head like he couldn't believe it to his national anthem, his generous speech, and his gimme-fiving Purito Rodriguez's little guys was tender indeed. I hope it's true I hope it's true I hope it's true!

Well, break out the podium babes, cue the laser beams on the Arc de Triomphe--let's all take a deep post-Tour letdown breath, then get ready for the fabulous Vuelta! Congrats to all our winners--and to the bone-tired peloton, well done on what I genuinely think is yer very first year not requiring (yet) one of our Doping Excuse o' the Tour awards!

The Agony of Blown Expectations; and, Jeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnns! #tdf

Run, Contador, Run!: look, for anyone else--like, say, a French squad--a fourth on GC and the win in the team classification would be the pinnacle of their Tour, even their careers. But for Alberto Contador, Bjarne Riis, and SaxoTinkoff, this looks--and feels--like crushing defeat. Leaving aside the fact that, assuming his alternately delirious and frightening twitter account isn't just a parody, Oleg Tinkov's probably gonna hunt him down bust his kneecaps and sink 'im to the bottom of some murky Siberian lake somewhere, Alberto, at only 30 and already one of the most prolific Grand Tour winners ever, has got to be ready to answer, what the !@#$ has happened to him? Whether it's because he's off the juice and this is just who he is, or Froome's on it doing it better, or there's some totally legitimate explanation, I gotta say, even *I'm* feeling glum for the little twerp. Hell, even Phil & Paul seem to have written 'em off like yesterday's boozy D-list starlet, ignoring him once he popped and hailing guys like Quintana and Talansky as the exciting new generation of cycling. Well, Alberto, be sure to avoid your team boss, Bjarne, I wouldn't !@#% with Tinkov either, and before you both take time off to reflect, mourn, and regroup, make sure you've got those anonymous plane tickets to Untraceableland in yer pockets!

Jeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnssssssss!: meanwhile, in sharp contrast to the depressing excitement shown by everyone whenever Andy Schleck now manages to stay two wheels off the autobus on a climb, the great Jens Voigt continues to show why, despite some acknowledgement of aging in his charming blogs, he'll probably still be obliterating 3/4 of the peloton when his grandkids retire ,with a bangin' attack off the breakaway he started that blew the group apart. We love you Jens! Oh, it just breaks my *heart* that someday my beloved "JJ & Jens & Fabian & Stuey" totebag will be obsolete...but come to think of it, probably it'll still wear out before Jens does!

Night Moves: well, it's on to a novel nighttime coronation for Cav on the Champs Elysees, a huge freakin' outpouring of lucrative contract offers for Richie Porte, and one last Tour wheelie for Sagan--so Froome, before everyone starts asking a bunch of stuff that'll just piss you off for the next year, you might as well start popping your Champagne now! PS You rock Purito!

It's the Alpe d'Hell With That!; and, Yer Paranoid Conspiracy Theory o' the Week #tdf

You Know The Nearer Your Destination The More You're Slip-Sliding Away: First, nice ride Froomey, right on Cadel for promising some fireworks in the Alps, and bummer for poor young Mollema. Tomorrow's alleged parcours: 2 trips up the legendary Alpe d'Huez, and Chris "Prima Donna Rising" Froome, who fears no attack, is already demanding that one trip up and down the mountain be eliminated which, totally coincidentally, would only further serve to totally insulate him from any GC threat that frankly right now doesn't even remotely exist. Well, at least Froome bitches for a purpose! Tomorrow's forecast: rain, hail and fog on the Alpe, tornadoes, hurricanes, typhoons, floods, volcanoes, earthquakes, a plague o' mosquitoes and a geological-era-ending meteor strike on the rest of the course. Oh, just pull on a vest and suck it up, you whiners--you guys got helmets, the hail'll bounce right off your heads!

Not As Good As the "I Was Boinking My Girlfriend Excuse", But Close: and, in actual-tested-dirty-doper news, Tour of Turkey winner Mustafa Sayar, who got busted for EPO, claims his poz is a giant French conspiracy so one of *their* riders'll win the race. Uh, not to discount the importance and beauty of the fine Tour of Turkey here, but if the French'd frame another rider for *anything*, doesn't it stand to reason they'd do it for the, well, Tour de *France*? Y'know, it's a bike race, in France, it lasts three weeks, they haven't won it for even a quarter century, it's a pretty big deal over there, I hear tell....

Free Euskaltel!: and, slammin' ride by the younger Izagirre brother today, and Samu's ready to take on Giro champ Nibali at the Vuelta. Send me (or them) dough to Save Our Carrots!

Wah, Froome, Wah, Contador, Wah; and, Who Gives a Crap About the Tour, Euskaltel's In Trouble! #tdf

This Is What It Sounds Like/When Maillot Jaunes Cry: Froome, you big baby! Contador was a danger to *you*? You know he's gotta attack, he's usually a great descender, he overcooked a turn, you chose to glom onto his wheel & take the risk, where do you get off acting like he's supposed to shepherd safely you down the mountain, he ain't your domestique! And if he's so desperate, which he is, and it's so hopeless, which it is, he oughtn't've scared you so much you were an inch off his butt! Jeez, you sound like a freakin' Schleck. What's next, "wah, wah, Mollema attacked, wah, it really tired my guys out chasing him down, wah?" It's their jobs! And Alberto--in the interests of fair play and no-whinin', cut poor Quintana some slack. He's got his own interests to protect, and it's not like he's slugging it out with you for yellow. Damn, just whang each other upside the head with a bike wheel like gentlemen, and let it go!

Aiiiiggghhhhh! Save Euskaltel! Aiiiggghhhhh!: look, bad enough that 3/4 of the time I hear some Euskaltel rider's kicking !@#, I get the sickening realization it's already someone the wankers at RadioSkank or Movistar have poached, now team boss/former rider Igor Gonzalez de Galdeano's confirmed the team is screwed financially *again*, and if they don't get a new sponsor in like two days they'll be dust by August, so everyone's apparently bailing, including the smashing Mikel Nieve, who's now freakin' linked to Saxodor. All I know is, for the better part of 20 years, with a crap budget and an incredible fan base, they've managed to produce some of the best climbers on the planet (shut up! I'm still in denial about dear Iban Mayo! go to hell!), they put a sprinter up to fourth behind Cav this year without even a leadout, and *Europcar*'s getting all the dough? This blows! So send a pile o' money but quick to me, at "For !@#$'s Sake Save Euskaltel," and I swear I'll send it straight to Samu' 'cuz we all know he'll act gallantly. Free Euskalteeeeeeeel!


All right, on to the time trial. Then can we please get back to the fun in the Alps?

It's Yer Tour de France Rest Day Roundup Part Deux! #tdf

Unbelievably, there's actually been other news beyond speculation over Chris Froome's Vo2 max, Valverde's agonizing flat-stage meltdown and the peloton's collarless-skinsuit fashion tragedy, so in the few hours we've got before the breakaway gets going, here's the 'nother stuff:

1. If Alberto Contador sez Chris Froome ain't doping, I believe it. After all, who'd know better?

2. On a related note, if Contador can't take a stage, and *well*, his whole career looks like a lie. Uh, I think he's got a "virus," Bjarne!

3. Mark Cavendish finally *did* get Alessandro Petacchi as his lead-out! Not for the Giro or Tour though. And he can't help him in the Worlds. But Cav'll probably ride *something* after the Tour. Cage fight for Steegmans and Ale-Jet over who gets to be Cav's top main! Since Petacchi'll probably stop for a spa day and a nice mani-pedi, my money's on Gert for a surprise mid-sauna bushwhack...

4. Thor Hushovd won a race! Like two weeks ago, and not near the caliber of his earlier wins, but still. It just goes to show ya, BMC, don't screw over the Thunder God ever again!

5. On the topic of BMC, winless reigning world champ Philippe Gilbert just looks so glum. Can't the peloton discreetly give *one* stage away for this poor sod?

6. I think Sagan is genuinely heartbroken he can't show off more for his fans at the finish line, considering all his countrymen and women and like half the rest of the earth's female population took a three-week holiday to follow 'im. C'mon, Kittel, you've bagged three stages, show this guy some mercy already!

7. Andy freakin' Schleck, man. Even *I* can't pile on 'im at this point. He'll be lucky to get a contract scrubbing his own stage-soaked chamois next year.

8. Kittel's 80s mousse-fest blowout, or Uran's 80s mullet? Discuss.

9. Jens Voigt is still a god. We love you Jens!

10. !@#$ off, Phil & Paul haters. Phil Liggett could accidentally announce those irritating Michelob Light commercials the entire coming week and he'd *still* rule the airwaves, so like I said, bug off!

11. Cut the crap, UCI--the women deserve their own, real, permanent Tour de France. At least we *know* you jerks won't pay 'em enough to dope & destroy the sport like the guys have!

12. And if you really saw Bauke Mollema in second place, as opposed to just a dark horse for the top five, you are either Laurens Ten Dam or a lying lying liar. Allez Bauke--keep proving us wrong!

Well, onto Alberto's and Valverde's and Cadel's assault on the Alps. Good luck, 'cause with how Froomey looks, you're all gonna need it!

Tour's Over--It's the Vuelta a Espana, Baby! #tdf

Froome Wagon: yep, after Saxo-Tinkoff's daring and beautiful attack on the maillot jaune on a crosswindy sprint stage--propelled, I imagine, as much by terror of team boss Tinkov's alternately ecstatic and threatening twitter ravings as an actual desire for the podium--and a peaceful subsequent rest-y day for all but the breakaways, Chris Froome absolutely slaughtered the once-unbeatable Contador and everyone else on Mont Ventoux, and with this Tour basically over except a passel of face-saving stage wins by the remaining GC wish-they-weres, it's almost time for the Vuelta, baby! Well, in the meantime it still *is* the Tour, and anything *can* happen--so can Sylvain Chavanel finally take a stage, or what?

The (Big, Gangly, Scrawny, Yellow) Elephant In the Room: so right beside Froome's amazing triumph, the obvious question bedeviling the poor guy, who apparently also whacked the late Marco Pantani's best time on the legendary climb: was he using, and do we have to wait another 10 years for an Operacion-Puerto-redux doping-control-catchup bloodbath to nail him? Or is it merely a question of Contador clearly not being what he used to be, at least this Tour? Me, I *hope* our yellow jersey's clean, and perhaps his many detractors are being unfair--isn't this what everyone *hoped* would happen, that with more sophisticated controls the dirty dopers would reveal their essential roadly humanity and a new and wholly unexpected group of former mere mortals would emerge in their spotless unsupplemented glory to claim their rightful places? I mean, look how beautifully that played out with underestimated ex-domestiques in the Giro d'Italia this year--aw, crap! Aaaaanyway, here's his happy win: And did anyone else notice we love Euskaltel's we love Mikel Nieve grabbed third? Well, enjoy your well-earned rest day, Froome--and happy Bastille Day to all!

Stuff To Do During Those Big Boring Sprint Stages #tdf

Sure, Cav managed to liven up Stage 10 a little bit, but we all know that, a twitchy touch o' the wheels here or a satisfyingly GC-destroying cross-wind there, everything up to that last 5 k in a sprint stage is snooze-inducingly dull for the tifosi. So what to do for the other six hours it's on, and *still* feel like a loyal little Tour de France fan? Here, my suggestions for Stuff to Do During Those Big Boring Sprint Stages:

1. Compose Haiku: Shoulder and elbow/Meeting most unpleasantly/Veelers goes down hard. Take *that*, Shakespeare!

2. Learn a New Trade: Bust into the post-stage interviews and shout "Hey, FROOME, what kind of !@#$ are you ON!"

3. Unleash Your Inner Computer Whiz: hack into the info feed for the race commentators. "Well, I can't quite believe what I'm reading here, Phil, but it appears that Mark Cavendish has indeed led the front group over the top of Alpe d'Huez and is now the virtual maillot jaune on the road!"

4. Be a Race Volunteer: switch the sign-in magic markers with those little kids' scented ones. Wonder what chemicals'll show up in the riders' blood samples *tonight*!

5. Unleash Your Inner Artist: Paint "I HEART LANCE ARMSTRONG" all over the race course in huge white letters. Show the love, baby!

6. Meet Your Idols: Point out some random guy in the crowd and tell Bernard Hinault he's a political protester about to storm the podium right as the stage-win jersey's being presented. Excitement shall ensue!

7. Soigneur For a Day: Sneak into Cannondale trailer and replace Peter Sagan's "Hulk" bicycle with a "My Little Pony" one. Preeeeeety!

8. Rewrite the UCI Rules: the "attire" section clearly needs work. No polka-dot skinsuits, EVER!

9. Engage Your Faves: run up next to Andre Greipel holding a cup and wearing an official-looking vest and yell "mid-race doping control!"

10. Tifosi Contest: how many riders can *you* reach out and touch on the back before one of 'em slugs you? Last one standing wins!

Well, dear reader(s), it's that or end up on TV drunk as hell dressed in a Speedo and a cowboy hat while the gendarmes drag you off the mountainside. Either way, expand your horizons and enjoy the show!

GC (Wannabe) Roundup! Euskaltel! Cavendish! And, Etiquette for Pigs #tdf

Dream a Little Dream ('Cause That's the Only Way You're Hitting the Top Step of the Podium Now): yep, the individual time trial was today, and barring a catastrophic injury, a series of multi-day major-bonks, or, y'know, other bad news by which I am not accusing the irritable Chris Froome of anything, our Skyboy maillot jaune's got this one in the bag, and it's basically just a week and a half of the rest of the GC contenders scavenging for second. As some consolation, at least to us fans, it's *still* a thousand times less achingly dull than *last* year's Tour. Stay safe and strong, Froome, and may these guys still give you at least a good scare or two anyway!

Ms. Manners Explains It All: look, what Mark Cavendish did to Tom Veelers *was* punk-!@#, not to mention potentially Tour-ending for the poor guy who hit the deck. But hurling a bottle o' wiz on Cavendish on the time trial course (or, of course, *anywhere*) is just *disgusting*, not to mention unsanitary, classless, dangerous, and beyond even the grossest bodily-function-obsessed gang of third-graders' capacity for vomitous gnarliness. Plus, it's Veelers' fight, so if *he* wants to pee on Mark Cavendish after Mark twice-tweeted and called Veelers to apologize, he--nope, it'd just make *him* a pig! So since it apparently needs to be said to the restrained paragons of virtue lining (and smearing) the course, NO THROWING URINE AT THE RIDERS YOU BASE REPULSIVE ANIMAL SKANKWADS! Oh, whatever happened to those innocent halcyon days of roadside freaks just randomly wandering into the course, or a gentlemanly resolution of disputes by whanging the other guy over the head with a bike wheel after the finish line...Anyway, here's the cause of the controversy, and no, it is *not* an incitement to anything!

Save Euskaltel!: no, they haven't gotten a stage yet, though they will (bite me! will so either!). But they've already worn the mountains jersey placed high in a sprint for heck's sake *and* been in every breakaway that's stuck, so why the !@#$ do I need to campaign every year to Send Me Dough to Save Euskaltel? Worse, the alarm's being sounded just in time for transfer season, so Movistar and what's left of RadioSkank can poach the most bankable and ergo team-saving talent, *again.* Okay, maybe we won't collect enough to save the squad, but we *can* raise enough to get absolutely blotto should this horrid nightmare come to pass...look, here's Samu in the polka dot jersey, *now* can someone step up and sponsor the squad? Save Euskaltel!

It's Yer Tour De France Rest-Day Roundup, Part Un! #tdf

1. When you're Alberto King of the Universe Contador, and Bjarne Riis has to say you're "still our team leader", you *know* you've choked.

2. Maybe instead of team "buses", team "stretch limos" would be better. Clearly low enough for the finish line, and you *still* get to travel like rock stars!

3. Interesting that Alejandro Valverde accuses Contador of saying he'd help Movistar attack Froome then not doing it, when Contador sez he never saw the point in the first place. *Whatever* happened, you better hope you don't need Valverde in the last week there, Alberto!

4. On a related note, bummer all Movistar's work went pretty well nowhere, but they did at least strike a psychological blow to the benefit of the other GC contenders. So Cadel and Purito, can you come back now?

5. Sure, Sky was starting to look like a pack of USPostal man-bots, but yesterday, Porte looked reassuringly human. And is anyone else concerned that they lost one of Froomey's support riders to the time cut?

6. I'm no Schleck fan, but after Andy's past achievements, it is downright embarrassing to see his just not getting completely dropped being treated as an awe-inspiring triumph.

7. On another related note, the only thing better than Frank and Andy going to Astana next year would be Vinokourov staging an Armstrongian comeback. I mean "worse than," "worse than!"

8. I love the fans' camera-whoring enthusiasm, but next beer-gutted eejit in a neon banana-hammock mankini running next to a bone-exhausted climber just trying to turn over the pedal is fair game for Bernard Hinault to shove off the mountainside. For all our sakes, just stick with the funny wigs, whydontcha?

9. For my darling Euskaltel to have a rider take 4th in an actual sprint stage, without even a dedicated lead-out, is pretty freakin' amazing. Now can Anton or Nieve take a mountain stage already?

10. Some people just suck at descents, and some don't even seem interested in learning. FDJ prodigy Thibaut Pinot, however, is truly terrified of them. Kudos to him for publicly admitting it, and for his team for their unconditional support. *That's* guts!

11. Sylvain Chavanel, man. *Un*believable. Is anyone else gonna cry if he doesn't finally get his stage?

12. Riding a Grand Tour with a cracked pelvis is acceptable, if perverse, roadie masochism. Allowing *anyone* with a concussion to ride for even a single day, no matter how safe it turns out to've been in retrospect, is outrageous.

13. Pat "Dick" McQuaid, omerta blew the first time all you skanks enforced it. So please don't give us this "I'm gonna fight doping, but quit asking questions about it" bull!@#$. The sport deserves better!

14. Cav, if you're gonna scream yer head off like a raging beeyotch, at least have the courtesy towards the press and fans to do it on camera for us. Merci!

Well, the rest day's almost done, and it's on to a week o' time trials, breakaways, and epic Sagan vs. Cavendish snit-fests. Allez allez gentlemen, and remember spectators, it's *inside* the barriers with your !@#damn cameras, promotional tchotchkes, and giant dogs!

It's Yer Giro Rosa 2013 in Review! #GiroRosa

Forza Maraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!: yep, another Giro Donne is behind us, and after a sweet comeback by Marianne Vos after her other-day's bonk over speed-demon Giorgia Bronzini in a sprint, bangin' US climber/general all-rounder Mara Abbott bagged her second career Giro Rosa win. Even more impressive, when you think of it--she battled back after a full year off the bike to handle a body-crushing eating disorder to remain one of the sport's great champs. What a triumph--and I'm already looking forward to seeing her go for a third Giro next year!

It's Il Podio!: Also winning the maglie: the ciclomino Points classification to Marianne Vos, the GPM green jersey to Mara, bianca Young Rider's to Francesca Cauz, and blu best Italian rider to the great Tatiana Guderzo. Complimenti a tutti! Amazing feat o' the Giro: two-time champ Marianne Vos took her 16th stage win this year. Compare that to Cav's stellar 20-odd wins he's racked up in the Tour de France--which is, after all, three times as long--and you're left with one conclusion: where the !@#$ is this woman's giant bronze statue, and why doesn't *she* get throw a crying-baby hissy hit whenever she loses for a jillion euros a year? Here, Marianne grabs stage 7:

Suck Result o' the Race: in bummin' news, Italian legend/5x winner Fabiana Luperini, DQ'd outta the race in stage because, apparently, her bike was 200 grams too light. Please tell me these riders aren't subject to the same UCI weight rules as those in the men's peloton whose bikes are like 100 centimeters bigger! Damn technicalities...

And, Yer Final Podium: Woo-hoo Mara, Tatiana, and Claudia!

And It's Total Carnage! Froome Hammers, Cadel Cracks, And Il Pistolero's Shootin' Blanks (Y'know, Mountainwise) #tdf

Holy crap, yes it's just the first mountain day and there's plenty more pain to come, but the second-coming-of-US-Postal anti-Sky conspiracy theorists are heaving right now, as Froome absolutely crushes the field including an incredibly strong solo Quintana, Cadel just gritted his teeth to limit his losses, Valverde toughed it out and, most important for Froomey, Contador looked like hell was just desperately grabbin' the wheel of Roman Kreuzinger like his momma's skirt and lost over a minute and a freakin' half to Froomey. Well, I guess that answers the Contador question, because apparently he wasn't just fakin' it! Worth his *absolute* weight in gold: Richie Porte, who apparently took a walk in the park destroying the field while they whimpered behind him and still managed to come in a comfortable second as he'd already shedded the rest of the GC contenders behind him anyway. Froome, if *anyone* deserves to be a braggart challenging beeyotch to his team leader like you were to Wiggo all last year, and can clearly threaten you for GC from within, it's Porte, so gratefully give that guy a stage win in the next two weeks and *worship* the ground Porte walks on! Oh--here's the post-race interview--nice work Froomey, just keeeeeeeeeeep complimenting him, and the rest of your gut-wrenched teammates, boyo! Reaction from Contador: well, it ain't here yet, but poker-faced tranquillo as he always is, I am bankin' that tonight ain't gonna be pretty. There's plenty of road til Paris though--lucky for all you other GC (sorta, still) contenders!


Oh, and Vos is already back. What a bad-!@#!

Mara-vigliosa! Managing Mark Cavendish! And, It's the Mountains, Baby! #tdf #GiroRosa

'S Wonderful/'S Mara-velous: yes, with Stage 7 already underway, prior champ Mara Abbott made it a two-fer yesterday at the Giro Rosa with another blazing uphill triumph, as even the indomitable Marianne Vos finally cracked on the mountain, attributing her high-passes bonk and blown GC to a changed training regime that's got her focused more on mountain biking this year and, to be fair, *still* leaving her able to win almost every race she sets her pedals on. Geez, if this is her "weak," everyone else on two wheels ought just stay home entirely when she's not! Meantime, as they right passed through her hometown, the race paid particular tribute to injured-but-still-race-lovin' 2012 Giro Best Young Rider Elisa Longo Borghini. Here, yesterday's roundup as Mara grabs the (latest) victory: Today, Giorgia Bronzini and the other sprinters go for blood. My fave source this year for great GiroRosa coverage: Jen @ _Gavia_. Thank you Jen!

Temper, Temper!: y'know how you're in some big-box store the size of Austria and some HORRID SCREAMING CHILD 10 internal kilometers away in the TRAUMATIC-FOR-NO-REASON- AISLE starts howling in a TOTAL SENSELESS BLOOD-CURDLING MELTDOWN for like 10 minutes like some GODAWFUL DEMON-SPAWN FIRE-ALARM and you have to shove your nearly full giant cart in the detergent section and run traumatized outta the store before you jam chopsticks in your eardrums JUST TO STOP THE AGONY? Yeah, so that's how OPQuickStep handles Mark Cavendish on the team bus when he loses a stage! And then, after his head's spun around 360 degrees he's ejected some poor sod out the window to his doom and he's spewed a bunch of acidic bile all over the walls, he becomes, his DS assures us, a "good lad" again and is right cheery around the dinner table. Hey, I'd be happy too, if everyone was too freakin' scared to contradict me! Oh, Cav, it's so *nice* to see you getting back to your old self...

Climb Every Mountain (Or Team Sky Will Eat You For Lunch): and yes, it's finally the mountains at the Tour, baby! Yap, yap, Froome--what I want to know is, (2) is Purito gonna show us he's in contention this Tour de France and (2) can Contador truly dance on the pedals like he used to, or can he merely mark right now and save his hopes for the last week's Alps? Me, with guilty pleasure Vino out of the picture, a shameful, dirty part o' me can't help but root for that hornet-in-UCI's-pantaloons, Alejandro Valverde. As for Cadel, I think he'll be just fine. But you faithful readers can all (well, both) prove how wrong I am in a coupla hours!

Red White And Blue (and Pink!), 'Skank Sheds Schleck, and, Magilla Gorilla Takes a Win! #tdf #GiroRosa

Independence Day Is Right!: yes, it took 2010 Giro champ Mara Abbott to do it, but *someone* finally beat Marianne Vos this year, taking both the stage and the maglia rosa on a smashing July 4th attack. Video up soon. Woo-hoo Mara you Amazon! One gentle gripe: can we *please* get some low-class disrespectful smack-talk in the women's peloton so I needn't be so cheerful all the time? I'm feelin' like a freakin' smurf over here!

Andy's Doomed: well, that settles Andy Schleck's Tour, and probably the rest of his career: he's just got the news that RadioSkank-almost-Trek has shed big brother Frank just in time to keep him outta a post-ban Vuelta and completely psych Andy out of any positive result (not that kind of positive, you cynics!) the rest of the season til they find someone that'll take the Wonder Twins as a two-fer. Andy, I hate to break it to you, but he's gotta retire sometime. Oh, Frank, I *told* you diuretics were no good...

Now *That's* A Top Ten List: bored of such upbeat sycophantic endeavors as "Top 10 Riders of All Time" and "Top Ten Ways Jens Is Gonna Dope-Slap The Entire Peloton Into Crying Mewling Babies Without Even Meaning To"? Well, it's L'Equipe's Top Ten Doping Excuses! The best of the gnarliest: far too explicit for a delicate lady such as myself to explain here, but let's just say it makes Bjorn "I Did It All for the Nookie" Leukemans look like a blushing schoolboy just about to hurl his first spitball at his beloved. Me, in addition to Simoni's glorious "(Ubiquitous Brand)'s Cocaine Kisses" and Alberto's "Drug-Sucking Cow" excuse, I think one did have to admire in a nauseated way the simple sport-destroying vitriol of Lance's "YOU CHALLENGE ME AGAIN AND I'LL SLAM YOUR HEAD INTO THAT URINAL!" just-blatant-threats tactics. Well, we're *gonna* have a poz this Tour--do any of you miscalculating morons wanna take a crack at making the list this year?

Andre the Giant: and, congrats to Andre Greipel and former Cav helper/trusty lead-out Hendy for a bangin' sprint at the Tour today. Anyone else notice that green jersey Peter Sagan is startin' to look just a liiiiittle bit peeved on the podium of late? Just think of all those random movie-reference line-crossing gestures going to waste! Well, Hulk, pancake-flat isn't really your terrain anyway--and you can always look forward to leaving Cav in the dust in the mountains! Here, he celebrates (because I still can't get any video): Allez Gorilla!

Cav! Ted! Marianne! and, Revenge of the Podium Babes #tdf #GiroRosa

The Sprinters Have Their Day (and Days, and Days, and Days...): yep, time for a three-day breather before the race heads seriously up, as Cav bags his first win of this Tour while the rest of the race is still getting their coffee on the team bus, the GC contenders lick their wounds and psych themselves up (Cadel and Purito in particular, I hope) to make up time on each other in the mountains and, for those of you dissing Phil Liggett & Paul Sherwen who can all just go bite yourselves, an endless eardrum-piercing replay of that "I Want Moo-oore" crap beer commercial for us Americans to boot. Looking distinctly grumpy today: a caught-out (by his standards) Peter Sagan. I can't imagine how ticked off he's gonna be when we love Edvald Boassen Hagen beats him to the line again!

If You Weren't Bawling During His Interview, You're Lying: meantime, I and apparently most of the rest of Planet Earth still call b.s. on the bureaucrat-weenie exclusion of hardworking shoulder-dislocated Tour debutante Ted King, controversially out of the time cut and out of a dream by seven seconds in the time trial if you don't count his own data, and beneficiary of an outraged (if ultimately fruitless) reinstatement campaign. *Really*, when you clowns routinely let bigger groups and bigger names stay in from outside the time cut all the time? Not to mention the truly impressive number of busted ex-dopers who still get to ride the thing (yeah, different rule, still blows)! Anyway Ted, you did yourself and everyone else proud--forza, and I hope you come back next year!

Be Pink: over at the Giro Rosa, Marianne Vos continues her campaign towards Total World Domination, bagging two out of the last 4 stages. Tell me again how much she *doesn't* get paid to kick the entire world of cycling in the nuts? Here, stage 3: Bonus points if you can listen to the techno music without turning off the volume and missing all the interviews! Tomorrow: a short 'n' brutal climb to Monte Beigua. On and up--and can we *please* get up some decent footage on the internet the same damn day as the actual *stage*? Grazie dammit!

Body Count Update: in "down but not out" news, Alberto Contador took a huge hit when longtime lieutenant Benjamin Noval ripped a (highly useful) tendon on some dumb!@#$' camera Haimar Zubeldia's got his finger in a splint Tejay's been riding around with a cracked rib Geraint Thomas is sittin' on a cracked pelvis and poor Christian VandeVelde dislodged an existing screw in his collarbone and has got a blood clot, and also among the other injuries reported today, according to official race releases, luckless Johnny Hoogerland's now got "sunburn forearm." Damn, can't any of these guys get a break (not a literal one! enough of those!)? Get well soon (and for heck's sake stay upright and sunscreened) boys!

"Arm Candy" This!: last but not least, for those of us who object to antics such as, say, Peter Sagan's troglodyte podium !@#-grab and, y'know, the entire podium-babe concept, fear not, 'cause they're all about fairness: a veteran pro's got it covered with "bangabledudesinprocycling.com". So does this mean Mario "the Chest" Cipollini and Pippo Pozzato can just post their nekkid oiled-up pics in one place from now on? Convenience *and* ingenuity!

Reality Schleck; Don't Mess With Giorgia Bronzini; and, Pat Goes After Pantani #tdf #GiroRosa

Money/It's a Gas: Ok, so Gerrans pipped Sagan beautifully at the line with a truly ace bike throw, at which point an irate Sagan immediately parked his bike on Gerrans' head. But hot on the heels of Trek's savior-sponsorship of RadioSkank, what kind of reorganization's in order there? Well, aside from Fabian Cancellara indisputably the center of the universe, a big, fat, humbling pay cut for the Schleck brothers. Now, I've always thought that Frank "Lady Cramps" Schleck's the stronger rider, but I gotta say, poor ol' Andy's handling his downfall (at least publicly) with attacks and grace. Well, boys, at least the new system'll let you earn some bonus dough with actual results! Of course, for Andy that always seems highly dependent on the presence of Frank...

Giorgia On My Mind: meantime, over at the Giro Rosa, maglia rosa Marianne Vos saved herself from the brink of disaster with some damn fine bike skills, as Greatest Sprinter/Resident Italian Bad-!@# Giorgia Bronzini bagged the sprint. Tomorrow: headin' uphill honey! Forza Mara Abbott--but I'm still always rooting for you Giorgia, so please don't hurt me! Here, (yes, going back a bit) the stage 1 finale: And, a brief flash o' the stage 2 finish: Brava campionessa!

Abomination Against God o' the Day (Sartorial): sure, it's taken a couple gallons of eye drops and an afternoon in a dark room, but my eyes (and I hope yours) are finally recovering from the afternoon's sight of King o' the Mountains Pierre Rolland's all-body polka-dot extravaganza. Pierre, you have every reason to be proud, but there's a *reason* Samu' never pulled this !@#$! That's it, the hell with the clown costume--I call bull!@#$, and a nice plaid from now on!

Let Him Rest Already: look, Pat "Dick", you're already odious. So now, in your run for presidency of the same UCI you already wrecked, you're gonna confront all this year's "CLEAN NEW ERA" doping pozes by stripping Italian idol Marco Pantani of his 1998 Tour? No, the fact that Pantani died tragically doesn't mean his doping was excusable, nor any and all either genuinely clean or simply-less-resourceful dirty riders he may've beat were any less cheated. But by all accounts, what he *didn't* do was wreck the sport and impose omerta by fear by going on an Armstrongian vendetta-driven scorched-earth destruction campaign against everyone who tried to tell the truth. And for you, Pat, it *really* takes a total wussbag to try to take down a dead guy who, by definition, can no longer address the accusations himself. Anyone else you want to dig up, jerk? Yes, his parents *are* suggesting they'll sue you, and on this one, they're right. So call it honestly, but let it go, and focus on the many many riders still testing positive *this* century!