It's Yer What the Hell There's Still Racing and Stuff After the Vuelta? Update!

Yes, as we slowly wake up from our post-Vuelta stupor, and the world's best athletes continue to recover from their garbage-bag TUE hangovers, the world of cycling charges ahead, so what're you missing? Buckets!

Sprint Train Sounding Louder/Everyone Jump Upon the Sprint Train: this week, the Classics boys, so long dormant, come out to play again, this time at the beloved Eneco Tour, where Can'tTellTheTwoLottosApart's Dylan Groenewegen snagged the first sprint stage in a chaotic--read "universally choked"--lead-out, and Nacer Bouhanni, who came in second ahead of new Eurochamp stars-man Peter Sagan, celebrated his podium spot by gratuitously punching two random members of the public and the guy who hands the winner the hot-off-the-presses leader's jersey. We're proud of you too, Nacer--you're behaving less Cavishly every day!

To Gasp, Perchance to GC: and, in "seriously,-we're-not-doping news", the controversy continues over the commie-conspiracy "Fancy Bear" athlete Therapeutic Use Exemption leak, which revealed an astonishing 74 separate TUEs for Chris Froome alone at this year's Tour de France, including totally coincidentally performance-enhancing meds for such common pro-cyclist maladies as asthma, high cholesterol, influenza, the common cold, arthritis, gout, heartworm, rabies, saddlesores, toenail fungus, and a particularly nasty case of dandruff. Geez, you really *can't* win a Grand Tour nowadays unless you're damn near dead! Over on Planet Bull!@#$, immortal Tour de France champ/unendingly self-promoting autobiographer Brad Wiggins justified getting over the Great Britain peloton's "total taboo" against using needles in order to receive a deep-tissue drug injection by saying, "I was on so much other !@#$, they coulda jabbed me with that thing they used to eviscerate Mel Gibson in "Braveheart" and I wouldn't'a felt it." Thanks for the clarification, Brad!

Move It or Lose It: finally, the smokin' hot end-of-season transfer market speeds on, as Alberto Contador explained his long-anticipated shift to Trek (bringing along like the only 2 teammates who didn't stab 'im in the back this season) by opining that, while the collapse of his team surely played some role in his wing-spreading, "there's only so many times even a diplomatic guy like me can say he's "grateful" to be Oleg Tinkov's b!@#$." In other team news, new-but-bangin' squad Dimension Data was briefly in danger of losing its coveted World Tour license for lack of points, at least until Mark Cavendish met privately with UCI prez Brian Cookson for tea, reportedly smashing a crumpet into dust with his bare fist and telling Cookson over the clotted cream that "this'll be your !@#$ing face, you !@#$ing !@#%!", after which Cookson announced "an accounting error" at an afternoon press conference and granted DiData its license back after all. Welcome back Dimension Data--and smooth save there Mark!

Well, until Tom Boonen takes an Eneco stage (shut up! will too! go to hell!), that oughta hold us, at least til some other dimwit breaks with the proud history of team d--nutritional guidance by getting popped for some sketchy "internet supplement" and ruins the fun for the rest of the riders. Allez Toooooooooooooooooooooom!

Four Days Til Decision Time for Euskaltel; the Vuelta Shapes Up; and, Thoooooooooooooor!

T minus Four for the Carrots!: yes, as sick, perverted rumors of Euskaltel riders signing for other, crappy, non-Euskaltel squads continue to pollute the cycling world, our beloved team's reportedly set to announce a decision on its future--one way or the other--on Thursday, which means either (1) party's at my place! or (2) you can peel my drunken, sobbing !@# off the booze-sticky bar of my local dive watering hole. In the meantime, loyal riders are denying ready contracts with other teams, and they're tearing up the tarmac in possible farewell to boot. !@#dammit, the sucky French squads that continue to get funded in this sport, and *these* guys can't find a sponsor--aiiiggghhhhhhhhh!

The Vuelta Contenders Tune Up: sure, featherweight climbing genius Nairo Quintana took the final stage and the whole Tour of Burgos, but he ain't riding the Vuelta, so for my money it's all about the contenders--and Vincenzo Nibali (just using it for Worlds training, he sez), Ivan Basso (just aiming for a podium, he sez), and Samuel Sanchez (too polite to speculate) are all lookin' pretty well even, tho' Vincenzo just tweeted he's ready 'n' rarin. Alejandro Valverde? On vacation, so he's still got a few days more to rest up get his legs in order--and learn to pay attention to the !@#$in' crosswinds I hope!

Wiggo, Wherefore Art Thou (for 2014) Wiggo?: and, as the Eneco Tour rolls underway this week, none other'n Sir Brad Wiggins is gracing the peloton with his presence, and if he's not too distracted jamming with whatever of-the-moment band has caught his fancy, perhaps he might weigh in on this: if domestique-o'-the-millenium Richie Porte is ready to take on GC at the Giro next year, and Froome of course will be defending (if he even has to, considering the results) his Tour de France, and Brad completely unable to keep up with Euskaltel in the vicious Vuelta mountains even if the squad's freakin' dissolved and not even there by then, what the hell *is* our first British Tour winner gonna do for a 2014 razzle-dazzle encore? Oh, *Cav's* got the grace to be a water boy with his unquestioned supremacy in other areas--but really, a Tour de France winner? Ah well, I suppose that sort of sportsmanship is something they teach 'im in knight school anyway....

I Can't Even Think of a Stupid Thor's Hammer Metaphor Right Now: last but not least, after a complete blow of a season, new Norwegian champ Thor Hushovd's finally officially got his groove back, nailing two sprints and the overall at the Arctic Tour of Norway. Hey, if lovable big lugs are on the upswing again, can Tom Boonen get his poor nuttal sanctity in order and stop this terrifying and disgusting suggestion of retirement already? Anyway, here, despite a notable lack of the typical annoying club music on the clip, hardy Thor just nips the win on the line: Welcome back Thor--I'm sure this bodes well for a bangin' 2014!

It's Your Olympic Track-Cycling Roundup; And, Back to the Peloton, Baby!

Cruise, Booze, and Lose: yep, it took fabulous Aussie Anna Meares (over the retiring, and extremely still bad-!@#, Victoria Pendleton) to finally break the iron grip of the Brits on cycling gold in the sprint, but there was almost more fun outside the velodrome as Belgian omnium contender Gijs Van Hoecke was tossed out of the Games for partying just a liiittttle too hard apres-track--and really, with all the dope folks've been busted for these Games, *that's* what pisses off the Olympic etiquette narcs?--and the IOC announcing that onetime gold medalist Tyler Hamilton's finally being formally stripped of his medal over his doping admission. Okay, that's fine enough--but much as I like Ekimov, am I the only person thinking that giving the gold to any other one of Lance Armstrong's teammates from back in the day is !@#$in' *insane*? Hell, give it to Alexander Vinokourov or somebody whydontcha? Oh, wait...my bad!

It's the Tour o' Utah, Baby! And Eneco!: meantime, back in the peloton, the boys've divided themselves up quite nicely between the Tour o' Utah and the Eneco Tour, with Vande Velde heading up the pack in Utah after a typically slammin' Garmin time trial, Tom Boonen cannily taking the leader's jersey at Eneco, and, in one of the most nerve-wracking teaser-titles o' the week, Contador Tests...uh, the Cauberg ahead of taking on Chris Froome and Juan Jose Cobo in less'n a fortnight at the Vuelta a Espana. Keep on testing, Alberto--the climbs, that is, the climbs! And here's the dashing Tommeke--maybe he might give Van Hoecke a few tips on partying with a bit more dignity?