Enough With the Bull!@#$ Already!: An Official, *Honest* Script for Doping Confessions

Good morning. I've called you here today to address my recent and profoundly patronizing statement that I doped once in (insert year) after an all-day game of beer pong with Lance Armstrong. It's crap. In fact, I doped my entire professional career, I liked it, and I did it as often as I could. Oh, I didn't enjoy the needles in my butt or the adhesive hormone patches I had to rip off my nuts or that time I p*ssed black and almost croaked in the men's room, but I sure did like the results! Like I became a pro cyclist to *lose* races, you nimrod?

As to my Therapeutic Use Exemption for (insert banned substance), it's also crap. You ever notice no-one ever needs to take any !@#$ that *hurts* their performance? Not to call out those 80 other guys who suddenly medically need a giant hit of oxygen-carrying drugs right before a sprint or a huge mountain stage, though!

Next, I'll discuss my earlier insistence that no-one else ever helped or encouraged me to dope. What are you, idiots? (Insert name of sponsor) condoned it, (insert name of Directeur Sportif) expected it,(insert name of team doctor) administered it, and *everyone* was happy to rake in the dough. I didn't just conjure this crap up from some back-yard home-made meth lab! Hell, even we riders can distinguish a blood bag from a freakin' Pepsi in the ol' team-bus fridge, not to mention those coolers full of syringes and briefcases of cash in the DS's grandmother's trunk.

I'd also like to say why I am making this confession today. Frankly, I got popped. And if I didn't already *get* popped, I was *about* to get popped, so I had no other choice. Yep, it's completely self-serving, all right! I mean, one, I obviously didn't care enough to break omerta when I was winning with it, and two, no !@#$in' way am I competing clean now when every jackhole around me is still takin' it and beating my !@#!

Finally, I'd like to extend my full support to the new "clean" generation of cycling. Not only are you admirably continuing our old-skool tradition of beating the tests for a good five or ten years before you're busted, and hosing those truly unmedicated riders who actually buy into that unicorns-n-rainbows fantasy, but you've also managed to convince everyone that a handful of eejits getting nailed for cheap outdated !@#$ this year somehow means that everyone else with huge wallets access to more sophisticated practices and the power statistics of a prey-hungry cheetah is now absolutely clean. Chapeau!

I'll now proceed to rat out to the narcs out all the doping hypocrites who openly remain in the peloton, team management, or coaching roles who are silently and self-righteously watching me go down in flames as some loser scapegoat while you cash in for the rest of your lives off your ill-amassed fame and fortune. Knock-knock, mother!@@#$%s!