Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Alberto Contador's Last Chance

Tick Tock, Sucker!: y'know, it's a damn good thing Contatwerp did pile on so much pain in the Dolomites, 'cause he sure might not get to do it in July with his UCI/WADA appeal set for 3 days in June. Any bets on the outcome? Right, enjoy having one less GC rival there, Andy Schleck! A good thing too, come to think of it, because Schleck was *still* bitching about last year's "Chaingate" incident to the Tour of California. Dang, boy, let it rest--you'll get your karmic dope-smack when Contatwerp gets that Tour and this Giro title stripped from him anyway! While we're talking about Contador, I can't decide if his ostentatious daily beatdown of his Giro non-threats is the smartest move ever, in that it shows only an idiot would do that if he *weren't* doping, or the dim-wittedest move ever, in that it shows that only an idiot would do that if he *were* doping. Sort of like how I can never decide if Sir Mix-a-lot's "Baby Got Back" is a pig-like, neanderthal anthem because it's all about women's !#@es, or it's a coolio, pro-woman anthem because it's all about women's big, fat !@#es. What to think, what to think!

Your Paranoid Armstrong Conspiracy Theory o' the Week (Except It's Actually True)(allegedly!): so the fallout from 60 Minutes' highly entertaining revelation that UCI conspired with Armstrong and his peeps to cover up an inconveniently positive drug sample at the 2001 Tour de Suisse continues, with Ekimov swearing *all* the allegations of Lance doping are bull!@#$ (and don't tell me none of you people are skeptical about his really deserving the Olympic gold medal any more than Tyler does), Hein Verbruggen shrieking that Lance "never, never, never doped," and UCI's Pat "Dick" McQuaid grumbling that if he'd known all that money that Lance donated to the lab for no reason whatsoever was gonna cause so much darned trouble, he'd've blown the money for the testing machine on tainted blow a flashy sportscar and barely-legal hos like he was gonna do in the first place before that dumb!@# Hein talked him out of it. Wait, am I translating the last part of that right? Anyway, still not impressed by the Lance Armstrong "Cry Like a Little Beeyotch" public relations offensive--maybe you oughta dive behind the skirts and send out your significant other to defend you, sure worked for Riccardo Ricco'!

!@#Damn Mark Cavendish Insult Moratorium!: bad enough I couldn't comment on Mario "the Chest" Cipollini calling Cav--um, a really nice boy, but *now*, apropos of totally nothing, I swear, and totally coincidentally mentioned herein, Alberto Contador's personal mechanic has gone and beaten the crap out of a too-close tifosi with a car door. Fortunately for me, and the integrity of the ban, there's no--aiiiiigggggghhhhhh! When will this frickin' thing *end*? Aiiiiigggghhhhhh!

Euskaltel Rules, Lampre Drools: finally, for those of you who just can't enough of Euskaltel-Euskadi burning the Italians on the Giro mountain stages--because you're gonna get more, whether you like it or not--here's the fabulous Mikel Nieve of the fabulous Euskaltel taking down, without even a gratuitous stage-win giveaway by the maglia rosa, the field. Woo-hoo Euskaltel--suck it, Scarponi!


Tom said...

I'm sure Alberto is completely clean coughautologousbloodtransfusioncough

Joe said...

So glad to see the cavendish moratorium is sharpening your journalistic skills. What happens if you actually do insult cav? Do I get another hat?