Saturday, May 31, 2014

Tifosi Etiquette for $%!holes

Look, I've been there, spaced after a 6-hour wait with my !@# on a rock, two feet from my idol, fighting off a pack of 80-foot screaming jocks blocking my view of the race leader--I get it, okay? But jaysus you freaks, there are lines that *do not get crossed*, so let's just get that clear before you !@#$ up someone else's life-long dream already!

1. Wedding Gowns--fine. It's a lovely day to get married. Tip for the lingerie-uninitiated--if your fake boob starts to pop out as you run next to a rider, it's okay to take one hand off your bouquet and stuff it back in your dress.

2. Tutus--always charming. They don't really go with sneakers though. Ditto lederhosen with Valkyrie hats and long braids, but the pink t-shirt is topical. Stay out of the way though !@#dammit!

3. Panda Heads, Banana Outfits, Horses' Heads: is that !##$in' thing obscuring your vision or sticking out into the course? Screw off, you're gonna kill somebody! If not, fine, you get your tv time you publicity slut, and you may be mildly amusing. Just don't run into any sensible bystanders and cause an accident!

4. Speedos--god no. That alone should be a capital offense. You think they rode 3000 kilometers across the Alps to have to see that?

5. Flags: hold *along with the line of the mountain*, *not* perpendicular to the course like you're trying to piss off a giant bull. Flags can *tangle*, dumb!@#!

6. Dumping water over someone's head: did they ask you to? If not, offer the bottle from afar and back off no matter the response--who knows what banned substance is gonna drip into their mouths from that !@#$?

7. Yelling: no, of course you can't help it--it's exciting, that's the point. But there's a difference between enthusiasm and incapacitating a general classification contender with a vocal bullhorn. Try not to be an inch from their eardrums!

8. Interference with a rider's line: Never, ever, ever, ever, EVER. You ever try to win a stage up a 20% gradient? Every !@#damn calorie these guys have left in their bodies is crucial--race motos, get out there with police batons and bash them out of the way if you have to!

9. Touching--are they dying at the back of the autobus? Gesturing feebly for actual help and gratefully dumping the bottle of water you've shoved at him over his head? No? !@#$ off, do you realize that if these guys didn't weigh 4 ounces and have a sponsor to please they'd probably get off their bikes and beat you senseless? Yeah, we all *wish* poor psychologically and physically destroyed Bongiorno had--at least if the tifosi didn't when they saw what you'd done to him!

Well, them's mine--if I missed anything, fill it in, and everyone else, BACK OFF!


Anonymous said...

The wonderful thing about cycling is that it is a sport for the masses. It is also becoming the worst thing about it. A sport that you don't need to buy an overpriced ticket for, know a corporate sponsor to get the good access but instead can bring your family and enjoy the beauty and excitement of the sport for free is a rare privilege. If these eejits that we saw today continue to disrespect this, the sport will be ruined. If security needs to be extended to fend off these morons someone has to pay for it. And the easy way to do that would be for the organizers to seek additional ways to monetize the experience. I hope it never comes to that.

racejunkie said...

So true--it makes it both thrilling, and so personal, particularly when the riders can be so open and approachable when their race isn't at stake, and even then they're inches away--I'd hate to see all the tifosi suffer from one guy's moment of extreme doofusness!

Rosemary said...

Remember when Sven Nys got off his bike to politely ask the young drunk fan WHY he had thrown beer at him 7 times?! After Nys got his apology, a group of guys pounced on the kid. Well, I was hoping the fans were going to have a blanket party for Mr. World Champion Idiot.