Holy !@#$! Frank Schleck Nailed By Narcs, Out of Tour

Okay, I'll say it: I'm gonna totally give Frank Schleck the benefit of the doubt on UCI finding the banned diuretic Xipamide in his urine, because straight up, when those severe menstrual cramps and bloating kick in, a man'll do just about anything to stop the pa--uh, sorry, Frank, I got nothin' for ya! On the plus side, I believe this also mandates an immediate stop to all Schleckian whinging about (1) his form; (2) his Giro; (3) his Tour; and (4) all those meany downhills. Woo-hoo!

Meantime, reactions have been pouring in, not least from a gleeful UCI and a mortified self-defensive RadioSkank, whose official press releases are below:

UCI: *Burn!*

RadioSkank: This would never have happened while Lance was riding. I mean, he's a rogue, a rogue I tells ya!

Last, a kind word of advice to our disgraced and now lonely boy: Frank, if you're *gonna* dope, at least don't dope and *suck.* Cheers!