Holy !@#$! Frank Schleck Nailed By Narcs, Out of Tour

Okay, I'll say it: I'm gonna totally give Frank Schleck the benefit of the doubt on UCI finding the banned diuretic Xipamide in his urine, because straight up, when those severe menstrual cramps and bloating kick in, a man'll do just about anything to stop the pa--uh, sorry, Frank, I got nothin' for ya! On the plus side, I believe this also mandates an immediate stop to all Schleckian whinging about (1) his form; (2) his Giro; (3) his Tour; and (4) all those meany downhills. Woo-hoo!

Meantime, reactions have been pouring in, not least from a gleeful UCI and a mortified self-defensive RadioSkank, whose official press releases are below:

UCI: *Burn!*

RadioSkank: This would never have happened while Lance was riding. I mean, he's a rogue, a rogue I tells ya!

Last, a kind word of advice to our disgraced and now lonely boy: Frank, if you're *gonna* dope, at least don't dope and *suck.* Cheers!

The Great RadioSkank Bail-out

Go Green!: okay, Levi's apparently bailing for Quick Step, the squad's already lost half its young talent, Klodi--aw, Klodi'll probably stick it out--and now, the exodus continues, as the great Robbie McEwen decides to wind down his peloton days with new Aussie supergroup GreenEdge. Woo-hoo Robbie--especially if it's gonna be the Johan Bruyneel all-Tour-de-France Schleck Show, there's no need for you to put up with that !@#$! In other transfer news, future Grand Tour winner Tejay Van Garderen is headed over to BMC, which at this point is either gonna be (1) the best team on earth in every race next season or (2) a thrillingly catastrophic implosion of egos, conflicting goals, and bloody team-bus smack-downs. Me, in the spirit of good sportsmanship, I know what I'm rooting for--but Thor, I'm on your side just in case! Check it out Cadel, you gonna mess with this?

Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow: meantime, a big--and fast!--"get well soon" to Tom Boonen, hit hard by an excruciatingly-detailed chafing injury to his manly parts, but still determined, tough guy that he is, to continue on in the Vuelta. Damn, can't this poor thing get *any* type of break this season? Oh well, at least we all know he won't mind wandering around in public without his pants on while he heals!

Ever Wanted to Wear the Maglia Rosa Without Looking Like a Total Poseur?: well, now you almost can, as the Giro's running a bitchin' promotion where if you tweet why you love it, the man in the lead at the race next year may wear it right on the podium. Just think, your own words on some dreamy chest--I know who certain faithful readers are gonna root for!

Some Good News For A Change: finally, congratulations to the late Wouter Weylandt's family, as girlfriend An-Sophie De Graeve has given birth to baby girl Alizee', and both mom and daughter are doing well. Best to all!

No, Jens, No!

From the Department of Unholy Matrimony: look, bad enough I had to watch we love Chris Horner become BFFs with Lance Armstrong--now *Jens* is gonna become a denizen of the devil's playground 'cuz of a rumored merger between Leopard-Trek & RadioSkank? Aiiiggghhhhhh! First, can poor Andreas Kloden *get* any more dope-smacked? Sure, he's been unjustly demeaned and downtrodden for most of his incongruously illustrious career, but when the Schleck brothers get ahold of 'im, forget doing *their* laundry, he's gonna be washing their soigneur's sister's in-laws' dirty underwear every night *and* bringing 'em breakfast in bed every morning. Oh Klodi! Second, though I'm clearly a soulless monster to be annoyed with Frank'n'Andy this year if Jens loves them, the thought of Jens finishing his career in RadioSkank team kit is a flat-out gackfest. Don't do it, Jens, please--if there's ever been *any* time to unleash your immortal powers on the peloton, destroying this crap disaster deal is it!

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes: In other team sponsorship news, I see from its formal 2012 UCI filings that Astana will be known henceforth as Team "Don't !@#$ With Me You !@#$ing Maggot, I Am Alexandre !@#$ing Vinokourov!", and, effective immediately, the DS, soigneurs, masseuse, towel boy, mechanic, team car driver, chef, team-bus maintenance guy, team leader, domestiques, Kazahk U-23 development squad, agent, PR firm, legal counsel, component maker, and official bike manufacturer will each be some guy listed as "A. Vinokourov." Here, new security guard "A. Vinokourov" clears the scene at the press conference. Lookin' forward to next year, Team DFWMYFMIAAFV!

A Helpful Tip From Paul Martens: y'know, as a gentle lady, I can only posit the masculine discomfort, but if *I* were Pat McQuaid, and *I* were surrounded by 180 guys hot off the bike with distinctly unhappy gentlemanly areas who also have access to large, heavy swingable objects like bicycle stands and giant wrenches, I might heed the sage tweeted words of new fave rider/Rabobank tough guy Paul Martens: "I wish the UCI comissairs would do a 47k tt with the new rule that the saddle must be horizontal #deadballs !" Y'know, Pat, I'm sure Paul is a friendly, reasonable man and all--but it's not like he can't find you after a bike race while you're preening about for the press corps, you think you might ease up on those specs a bit?

No Rest for the Weary: last but not least, despite Igor Anton having finished sometime next year in yesterday's individual time trial, I remain deeply in denial over Euskaltel's Vuelta GC prospects, & fully committed to my stance that Menchov'll be lickin' at least Mikel Nieve's bike shoes clean for him by the time of the final podium in Madrid. Come on Mikel, even a single stage win'll do it! As for Purito Rodriguez, I'll irrationally deny wise and valued reader Paul's peremptory (if wholly correct) thwap and point out that Brad Wiggins is bound to crack in the mountains sometime, Nibali's gonna be awful sleepy after that good ride yesterday, and, in fact, the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy do exist, which I can totally prove because they all just busted out a nice rose' with me last night at dinner. Don't screw with my happy place, people!

Don't Do It, Alberto! And, There's No More Doping in the Peloton

What the Hell Are You Thinking, Contador?: yes, the speculation on where wee starlet Alberto is gonna land continue, and while the child gets enormous bonus points for not stupidly extending with Astana as his bro had suggested, what the !@#$ is he thinking about oozing around with Bjarne Riis next season? Look, I love CSC/Saxo Bank/Whoever Bjarne's Hinting About. And to be sure, with a multiple-Grand-Tour winning leader and a still-solid domestique selection even if the Schleck boys decimate the ranks next season, it's surely a better choice than that crazed puppetmaster Vinokourov. But (1) am I the only one who remembers how relentlessly crappily Bjarne treated poor we love Carlos Sastre after Carlos WON HIM A TOUR DE FRANCE for heck's sake, so what makes Contador think he'll get any slack if he ever has another off-day in his life; and (2) is there a reason Alberto doesn't already have a gigantic "I HEART CAISSE D'EPARGNE" tattoed in day-glo ink on his buttocks? As it happens, I adore the brilliant LL Cool Sanchez, and indeed, still think he can win the Tour de France one day. But at the moment his heart--and legs--seem to be with the noble one-day or shorter stage races, and you already know that if he promises to work for you, he will. Geez, Contador, you want a permanent, talented, endlessly-well-paid supply of nut-busting Spanish backup or not? Sign, you nit--sign!

RadioSkank Hits the Skids: man, if Lance "All the Dopers I Hired Totally Coincidentally Only Started Doping After They Left Me" Armstrong weren't having a crappy enough month, now fine young Chinese protege Fuyu Li's B-sample test for Clenbuterol has come up positive, and somehow, loyalest-pal-to-his-domestiques-ever Lance doesn't seem to be swooping to his defense yet. Y'know, not to suggest Joh--I mean, Fuyu's a *total* blockhead or anything, but isn't this the same asthma crap half the peloton easily gets a Therapeutic Use Exemption for to snarf a gas-tank's worth of every day just for politely breathing in-and-out once for the UCI enabler-tools at their annual physical? Damn, boy, if you're gonna do it, do it like a *pro*, not some junior-high-school dumb!@# trying to hide the 5 beers he just drank from his parents by popping a couple of Altoids!

The Collapse of the Roman Empire: in Italian doping news, meanwhile, as Davide Rebellin gets ready to pony up his Olympic medal in shame, erstwhile 2009 King of the Mountains playboy Franco of the Euromullet Pellizotti, having earlier been dissed by his own national federation, now has to beg the Court of Arbitration for Sport not to dethrone 'im on bio passport irregularity grounds, meaning that, one imagines, not only is this pretty serious !@#$ if the Italians are actually nailing one of their own instead of still shrieking on about Valverde, but somewhere, Ivan Basso is popping champagne. Whoops, there he is already!

Yup, That's Nero Fiddling, Alright: over at Lampre, of course, who never met a dope fiend they didn't like unless he couldn't win 'em a race without getting caught for it, long-term miscreant Michele Scarponi--who has, in what I'm sure is simply a miracle of genetic superiority, gotten exponentially better as he's aged since his most recent bust--is heading for Lampre as its premiere three-week racer, as adorable Classics man Damiano Cunego finally embraces his destiny and slinks off for a team that won't put all that pressure on a boy who, after all, has openly sported a "no doping" tat on his arm for all to see. Apparently already determined: the fate of green jersey champ (shut up!) Alessandro Petacchi, who just won a race this weekend even as he sensibly clams up for the cops in his own investigation for prohibited substances. Lampre's loyalty to its beseiged racers is really quite admirable, don't you think?

And Finally, A Word From The Racejunkie Like Anyone Gives a Rat's !@# Department: Samu Sanchez rode the Tour to 4th place with a fracture, and dear little Carlos Sastre sez he's gonna ride the Vuelta a Espana. Y'know, it's in Spain, it's three weeks long...would it helped if I mentioned Mark Cavendish is gonna ride it?...