Tuesday, August 30, 2011

No, Jens, No!

From the Department of Unholy Matrimony: look, bad enough I had to watch we love Chris Horner become BFFs with Lance Armstrong--now *Jens* is gonna become a denizen of the devil's playground 'cuz of a rumored merger between Leopard-Trek & RadioSkank? Aiiiggghhhhhh! First, can poor Andreas Kloden *get* any more dope-smacked? Sure, he's been unjustly demeaned and downtrodden for most of his incongruously illustrious career, but when the Schleck brothers get ahold of 'im, forget doing *their* laundry, he's gonna be washing their soigneur's sister's in-laws' dirty underwear every night *and* bringing 'em breakfast in bed every morning. Oh Klodi! Second, though I'm clearly a soulless monster to be annoyed with Frank'n'Andy this year if Jens loves them, the thought of Jens finishing his career in RadioSkank team kit is a flat-out gackfest. Don't do it, Jens, please--if there's ever been *any* time to unleash your immortal powers on the peloton, destroying this crap disaster deal is it!

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes: In other team sponsorship news, I see from its formal 2012 UCI filings that Astana will be known henceforth as Team "Don't !@#$ With Me You !@#$ing Maggot, I Am Alexandre !@#$ing Vinokourov!", and, effective immediately, the DS, soigneurs, masseuse, towel boy, mechanic, team car driver, chef, team-bus maintenance guy, team leader, domestiques, Kazahk U-23 development squad, agent, PR firm, legal counsel, component maker, and official bike manufacturer will each be some guy listed as "A. Vinokourov." Here, new security guard "A. Vinokourov" clears the scene at the press conference. Lookin' forward to next year, Team DFWMYFMIAAFV!

A Helpful Tip From Paul Martens: y'know, as a gentle lady, I can only posit the masculine discomfort, but if *I* were Pat McQuaid, and *I* were surrounded by 180 guys hot off the bike with distinctly unhappy gentlemanly areas who also have access to large, heavy swingable objects like bicycle stands and giant wrenches, I might heed the sage tweeted words of new fave rider/Rabobank tough guy Paul Martens: "I wish the UCI comissairs would do a 47k tt with the new rule that the saddle must be horizontal #deadballs !" Y'know, Pat, I'm sure Paul is a friendly, reasonable man and all--but it's not like he can't find you after a bike race while you're preening about for the press corps, you think you might ease up on those specs a bit?

No Rest for the Weary: last but not least, despite Igor Anton having finished sometime next year in yesterday's individual time trial, I remain deeply in denial over Euskaltel's Vuelta GC prospects, & fully committed to my stance that Menchov'll be lickin' at least Mikel Nieve's bike shoes clean for him by the time of the final podium in Madrid. Come on Mikel, even a single stage win'll do it! As for Purito Rodriguez, I'll irrationally deny wise and valued reader Paul's peremptory (if wholly correct) thwap and point out that Brad Wiggins is bound to crack in the mountains sometime, Nibali's gonna be awful sleepy after that good ride yesterday, and, in fact, the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy do exist, which I can totally prove because they all just busted out a nice rose' with me last night at dinner. Don't screw with my happy place, people!

1 comment:

Anne said...

I went through a lot of sh*t with the Schleck brothers (doping accusations, Andy whining about everything, leaving Saxobank etc) but I draw the line at Johan Bruyneel! Can I be a new member of the Euskatel fan club?