Wednesday, August 03, 2011

Yer Holy Cro-Moly Isn't It Time for the Vuelta Yet? Roundup

A Gentle Suggestion for Andy Schleck: well, it's finally occurred to Andy "I Was Supposed to Win the Tour" Schleck that he's got a little work to do on his time trial before next July, and if I may be so bold as to offer a suggestion, you might want to work on those sketchy descending skills, too. Y'know who's *really* good at both? Oh, of course Cadel, but even better--Alberto Contador! And after 2 straight years of your bitching over Chaingate, I'm sure he'd be happy to show you how to pitch down a mountain at a zillion kph while he's shoving a water bottle into your wh--um, maybe you better just ask Cadel for help after all!

Lance Fights Cancer...Patient: yep, apparently Lance Armstrong ain't got much use for folks fighting cancer who don't like him, too, as a gentleman dealing with cancer surgery wholly reasonably begs no-one to get him one of those ubiquitous yellow bracelets, and Lance fires back with a snitty tweet to which, I must say, said gentleman responded with great discretion and aplomb. Y'know, it seems to me, Lance, that much as you've admirably done for the cause--which no one disputes that I've ever heard of--everyone's entitled to feel, and fight their own personal battle in, their own way. And if someone struggling with a miserable and terrifying illness can't bear eyeballing a cheerful platitude emblazoned on a happy-looking yellow wristband, I don't see how you can blame him. (Similar feelings, I've read, have been noted among some breast cancer survivors and the pink-ribbon campaign.) You fought your illness bravely, and I'm so very glad you recovered and went on to such great things. But you don't *own* the fight for everyone else, Lance, and those who don't feed your ego over your approach are entitled to that. Now cut the man some slack!

You Think the Climbs at the *Giro* Were Bad?: well, go cryin' to yer momma, honey, because the perfect Vuelta a Espana's about to do you one better--they're gonna make you haul your !@# up a giant volcano, and tough luck to you if your team kit and bike instantly vaporize in the lava flow and you end up butt-nekkid and rideless with nothin' but yer cleats to stand on and some smokin' shreds o' musette to shield the works. Oh, well, the Spaniards at least ride well in the heat--but Belgian hardmen, you might wanna just stay home!

The War on Drugs: no, not UCI's, you sweet, silly, naive little fool--Italy's, as Riccardo Ricco's latest doping ban gets extended another 30 days on the grounds that, if I am translating this correctly, he is "a colossal !@#$ing wanker." Don't worry Ricky, with the !@#$ you take (allegedly!) I'm sure you'll still be at the top your game when your ban expires sometime around 2050...

Gratuitous Jens Voigt Update: okay, as long as everyone's being irksomely coy about their transfer plans (this means you, Cav!), for no reason whatsoever I refer you to we love Jens, busy, apparently, painting a table with the Jenslets and confusing his dog. Ride again soon, Jens--what the hell are we supposed to do without you?!

Beach Baby, Beach Baby, There on the Sand, From July to the End of Septem-beeer: finally, bon voyage to wee sensation Alberto Contador, who's (almost--geez, decide already!) wrapping up his season (except for, y'know, his legal one) for 2011 to hit the beach, toss back a few--hey, I was gonna say margaritas, you cynics!--and reflect on his fascinating year. So, to tide you Alberto fans over 'til then, here's a little tribute:


PJ said...

Grazie mille per il film di Alberto--Oh, I forgot, he's Spanish.

Jez Andrews said...

I was such a big fan of the Schlecks after last years tour. I really wanted them to win. But then I heard them whine.....Who wants that from a champion to be. Not a dangerous descent guys just technical. Get over it. Just had to get that off my chest!!!
Liking the blog!