Monday, May 03, 2010

Wow, Crime Really *Does* Pay!

Unless You're an Idiot: yes, on the very eve of the Giro d' Italia, the incompetent hypocrite enablers at UCI've finally managed to nab someone higher in the peloton than Valverde's cousin's high-school-girlfriend's dog's aunt's in-laws' little sister, and, to the excruciating yowls of besotted fans with half-naked screensavers everywhere, it's 2009 Tour de France King of the Mountains/challenger-for-Team-Liquigas-leadership Franco of the Euromullet Pellizotti! Now, I'll discount the speculation of a wisenheimer reader than the man got busted using Rogaine to even further fluff his flowing locks, and assume that he had, at least, the quasi-dignified excuse of cheating his way to the polka-dot jersey last summer. Sigh. Somewhere, Ivan Basso is admiring his own comely reflection in the mirror and smiling. Just flirt those snowy angel wings, Ivan--you're already almost in the final maglia rosa in Milan!

The Fallout: Shockingly, there's no mention on Franco's homepage of his latest adventure, but he did manage to slap together a quickie press conference for tomorrow in which he and a pile of expert witne--I mean, objective medical practioners--will attempt to test out his legal def--I mean, explain the wholly legitimate reasons why the UCI analysis is wrong, so I'm sure this'll all get cleared up by Tuesday eve. Lookin' forward to that one, Franco! In the interim, the never-shy tifosi over at Gazzetta dello Sport have already chimed in en masse, ranging from disgust to support to (and they wouldn't be Italian tifosi if they didn't) instantly calling hypernationalist bull!@#$ and demanding a wholesale immolation of the Spanish peloton at the stake. Good move protecting your own--that oughta keep, say, Ricco' out of trouble for the next ten minutes!

The Dangers of Boredom: meantime, with Pellizotti facing 2 years of imminent downtime, even the most vengeful among us can agree that it's best if the boy finds a healthier outlet for his frustration than some of his sad compatriots. May I suggest, since we know he already likes body art, a new tat might be in order?

The Green Monster: in happier news, notorious Operacion Puerto miscreant Alejandro Valverde has catapulted over talentless (or just, well, under-stoked) Classics hard-man Philippe Gilbert to the top of the UCI world rankings, despite some piddly WADA whining over buckets of bloodbags with EPO and Piti's DNA in 'em, an Italian ban already in place, and some ridiculous UCI campaign to kick his needle-pricked !@# out of the sport altogether before it descends into an actual open-market opium den in full view of the TV cameras at every start line. I don't know who the hell your lawyer and PR team are, you charming weasel, but give those miracle workers a *raise*!

Forza Gibo!: and, in the interests of reminding us all that there really is more to this wonderful sport than greedy dipwads with IV ports a'workin', the great Gilberto Simoni (shut up, his grandmother sent him those drug-tainted candies!) has apparently gotten over his post-Giro di Trentino doldrums and agreed to grace the entirely inferior Damiano Cunego with his presence at the Giro d' Italia one more time. The mountains are yours, Gilberto--dai, dai, dai!

3 comments:

tourpro said...

I suppose I would add haemorrhoids to the long list of doping excuses.

With the Bio-passport, it's the highs and lows that draw suspicion. And by "low", I mean near one's ass.

James said...

I always thought that Pellizotti derived his power through his hair ala Samson! He should have his head shaved!

Tom said...

i think there should be two divisions for pros in every sport. One is the clean division, one is all open dopers.

one set of pro races is all dopers. Use any type of candy you like, fellas. Go head, suck it down and pump it up.

And if a dirty guy is caught in the clean races . . . castration or public stoning (offender's choice).