Saturday, May 01, 2010

The Mark Cavendish Image Rehabilitation Project

Ok,Cav. I was actually about to tank this one due to your recent comeback victory, but closer review of the footage revealed that you had, in fact, right smack in front of your giant-paycheck-providing sponsor's logo no less, indiscreetly told the entire planet to !@#$ off. I know, you've been ill and in pain, you've had some probs with your love life--we love you, and we understand. But when your typical bragadoccio descends into outright wankishness, it's time to act. Ergo, our short, sweet, and entirely doable Mark Cavendish Image Rehabilitation Project:

1. Pain Management: first things first--I think this is really dragging you down. It's called a Therapeutic Use Exemption, doofus--if UCI can let 86% of the peloton snarf asthma meds like St. David Millar sprays tears for the cameras, why can't your docs manage to make the case to those hypocrites for some serious narcotics? Sure, you'll piss off your colleagues whacking half the other sprinters off their bike at the line weaving like a colossal drunk, but it's not like that !@#$'s gonna improve your *performance*!

2. Beer: fine, you hate Andre the Inferior, he hates you. But HTC's basically *said* they're gonna kiss your !@# all season and discard Greipel like a gacked-up lougie, so why not be the better man and apologize for the tiff over a nice pint? In public. With a widespread advance tipoff to the press as to time, pub, and the precise barstools you'll be sittin' on. Hey guys, surprised to see you here. Why don't I buy you all a round? Sure, we'll pose together with our glasses cheerfully hoisted!

3. Drop the Green Jersey Whining Already: of course, Thor Hushovd's a god, so this suggestion is born out of personal bias as much as helping you. But it does do that, and that's what counts. Cav, Thor beats you out for the green jersey at the Tour de France every year because he's just a better tactician than you. Ain't nothin' wrong with 5 or 10 stage wins instead. No harm, no foul--no lookin' like a crybaby jerkface. And when you *do* win it, compliment your rivals for their hard-fought competition and let the jersey do the talkin'. See how easy that was?

4. Cocky Fine--Acting Like a %^&*, Bad: Yes, you *should* be proud of yourself--you've earned it, even if not quite yet this season. And for some reason, folks *love* when sprinters preen like some man-candy supermodel for the photographers and press. And hey, if a little adrenalin makes you celebrate a bit much--*not* insult someone's mother--at the finish line, who can begrudge that? But for heck's sake, keep it to a flash of those pearly whites and a pumped-up-yet-modest expression of exuberance and concurrent gratitude to your team--we *know* you won, we *already* admire you for it!

Well Cav, start out with these handy basics--now, !@#dammit!--and we'll see if you need a fix-it (or several) from there. Meanwhile, go do something conspicuous for a hard-up children's charity, heal those 8,000 teeth, and we look forward to seeing the New You in July!


Tusher said...

Wonderful stuff, racejunkie.
He'll have plenty time to take it all in as well, what with having an extra two days free time on his hands.

James said...

Very good! You should be hired as UCI psychoanalyst supreme!