What Else?! Landis, Lance, and Lies

All right, you heard it: Floyd Landis has 'fessed up to being a lying doping bottom-dwelling estrogen-sucking scum-weasel and, at a minimum, pimped Lance, George, Levi, and Dave to the narcs. Anyhoo, kids, there's buckets to cover, so let's get to it:

The Motive: Ticked off we're no longer winning, are we? That, or I'm going for the Bitter-Betty triumvirate of (1) I need the dough from my next book (2) I'm still pissed I got caught and (3) I'm still really, really pissed Lance didn't. While honesty for any reason in the matter of doping is arguably a good thing, wah !@#$in' wah! Look Floyd, I'm sure you *are* telling the truth at this point. And I stand by my original assessments that (1) you still would've won that Tour stage--if not by that much--because the peloton completely misjudged the day and (2) you were subject to a total farce-meister monkey trial. But y'know, a *lot* of people both put up whole websites defending your sorry nonexistent integrity and donated actual hard-earned moolah to your bull!@#$ Floyd Fairness Fund. If you've got an ounce of self-respect left, don't you think you owe them (1) an apology and (2) their cash back?

The Reaction: honestly, if I had to watch one more oily second of that smug priggish self-adoring wanker I was gonna spit, but here goes: "it's our word against his word. I like our word. We like our credibility." Of course, Lance--you're a saint no-one feels comfortable criticizing for obvious reasons *and* a national icon to a country full of football fans who couldn't tell a peloton from a pedophile. Plus, like, you've nailed a rock star, man! The fact that a huge percentage of your domestiques turned up dirty after leaving your spotless kingdom just shows they lost their morals as soon as they left you. Be real, you "like" your legal team, honey--and with what you can afford, who wouldn't? Johan Bruyneel, of course, chimed in with a smirking "he needs to seek professional help." Um, Johan, he apparently *did*, tho' not the kind you're suggesting--isn't that precisely the crux of the problem? As to UCI's Pat "Dick" McQuaid, stop the presses! He's in deep selective enabler protectionist mode, zealously guarding his unimpeachable multi-year cash-cow from any aspersions no matter how true they may actually be. Way to clean up the sport, Pat "Dick"!

The Future: fine, you're all skanks, except for the cyclists I like, who, if dirtbags, were all cruelly manipulated by omnipotent egomaniacal selfish forces entirely beyond their puny helpless minion control. And frankly, if you're not gonna have the (male or female) stones to pony up right off the bat--or at least go into instant !@#$-you-hypocrites attack-dog wingnut Vinokourov mode--I am calling today for an immediate return to the brief-lying-denial-and-immediate-dignified-omerta of the ol' Roberto Heras/Jan Ullrich days. Why? Yes, it's disgusting, so before I hear a damn word let's cut the straight-edge granola-eating kumbayah crap about how everyone should truly feel remorse for their treachery. But what it *ain't*, at least, is a bunch of sniveling maudlin crybaby crocodile-tear Oprah-episode con-artist sob-whining about how sorry you are and how terrible you feel and how you're gonna devote your life to setting an example to the youngsters by riding clean and saving whales and kissing starving moppets and creating an endangered butterfly preserve on your team bus. I just can't stand to hear it. Look, you're sorry you got caught, and enraged that every other guilty needle-sticker you know is doing it wasn't. That's human. I understand. So either man or woman up with no excuses, or shut the !@#$ up already!

The Fallout: unless UCI suddenly develops a spine and Lance contemporaneously develops a career-and-Tour-ending "stomach ailment," I'm guessin' nothin' except a giant wad of defamation suits. Better get that "Fairness Fund" back up and running, Floyd, no?