Thursday, May 27, 2010

Feelin' the Love, Baby!

Get Your Mortirolo Runnin'/Head Out on the Highway: yes, tho' it crushes me to say, we're down to the last few days of the Giro, dear readers, as Carlos Sastre gets ready to brutally beat down St. Ivan of Varese and Cadel Evans (shut up! will too! at least on Sunday's stage when they're not expecting any snow I hope) on the feared Mortirolo, and Ivan and Cadel get ready to slug it out for GC over two ugly mountain stages as their revered mutual trainer Aldo Sassi, currently battling a brain tumor, roots for both his boys he swears are clean. Me, I'm almost inclined to agree--as a local wiseacre has opined, even with his recent world-champ power surge, "Cadel's just too boring to dope." Anyway, forza Sastre--and watch out for a late attack by Gibo!

Run!/Run Away!/Run Children/Run For Your Life!: meantime, the Most Hated Man In America continues to get it from all sides--from the understandably enraged believers who shelled out dough for his crap book or legal defense to the Lance-lovin' doping (oops, anti-doping) agencies desperate that this year's Tour de France not be !@#$ed with--which just goes to prove two things, kids: (1) no good deed goes unpunished, particularly if you've got weaselly ulterior motives, and (2) if you're gonna accuse a guy like Lance Armstrong of anything, you'd better have a more incredible run, and a more sympathetic charity to sell, and frankly, one taken-back Tour win over a decimated second-rate field, and a bull!@#$ repository o' personal "fairness" funds (whose website, curiously, seems to be offline at the moment) just don't cut it. Ah well, Floyd, live 'n' learn--and, not to think ill of others, but if I were you, I sure wouldn't leave my house from now on without a bulky steroid-stuffed goon entourage!

Good News!: and, good news for you, Mark Cavendish--Andre "Shit Race" Greipel, who took the final sprint in the Giro d'Italia today, would like to stay with HTC-Columbia next year. Of course, with squads like Quick Step begging to up their sprint power and Andre free to be on the market, anything could happen, but then again, with a relationship like you two have, Mark, I bet the boy couldn't even be pried away, much less be seduced by some shabby little pay raise and some paltry top billing. What, you're not popping open a bottle of champagne?

You're So Vania: over in doping-appealsville, I see cyclocross champ/EPO poz-with-subsequent-sorta-negative-B-sample/Riccardo Ricco's spawn-mama Vania Rossi is up against the Italian narcs on June 4, and I gotta say, I'm inclined to feel some sympathy here. I mean, doping for a Tour de France stage and the truly obscene amounts of cash your new contract is gonna get you, I understand--but a freakin' *'cross* rider on the no-credit women's circuit? What the hell benefit could she possibly have been aiming for, a window seat while stuffed in the back of the team Citroen with 6 other teammates on the 1500-mile ride to the next race? It just don't make *sense*, honey! Of course, if easy access leads to temptation, well, at least til Ricco' dumped her at the first sign of trouble, *there's* the apple in the Garden for ya...

What the !@#$ Is Wrong With You, Lampre?: all right, you *did* hire the great Gilberto Simoni to ride one last Giro and remind everyone that, of the two Giro winners on your squad, only one of 'em's done it twice--between that, and the Princess Bride uniforms that recall my fondest tot-hood dress-up adventures, I *am* appreciative. So why the !@#$ are you charging $46 US for his bitchin' new book "Gibo d'Italia" on your website? I'm not saying I won't pay it, once I pimp a kidney on the black market, as Amazon appears not to have an Italian outlet--I *am* saying that just flat sucks. Free Gibo's new book you bloodsuckers!

Oooooh-Whooooah Sweet Child o' Mi-ine: finally, nice job Floyd Landis breaking the heart of a wholesome young tween who ought to be sighing over pictures of that vampire guy right now, as this faithful girl comes to the defense of Lance Armstrong *plus* you made her dad use the swear word "jerk" in very range of her innocent ears:
I feel your pain, little sister--but I still think...oh, why set myself up for a lawsuit from the One?

1 comment:

Tom said...

i love that kid!