Friday, May 07, 2010

One Day And Counting, Baby!; And, A Shout-Out to the Sprinter Fans

What the !@#$ Does *That* Mean?: yes, tifosi, with the Giro officially underway, and English-language coverage virtually guaranteed to freeze up or just plain suck, it's time to learn just a bit more Italian than those lines you always quote when you're loaded from "The Godfather," so here's some stuff you'll need to know:
Partenza: the start line
Traguardo (or Arrivo)--the finish line
Fuga: the breakaway
Tappa: the stage
Testa della corsa: the leader(s)
GPM (on signs, or on the road): the part of the climb where the points are awarded. What's that? The King of the Mountains contenders are looking for points toward the climbers' jersey, and other teams' domestiques are sent up to snake them out of 'em.
Pendenza: the percent gradient of the climb you're watching. Ahi, the Mortirolo hurts!
Tornante: the hairpin turns on a climb or descent--they're often numbered so you can keep track of how many more brushes with death (or just garden-variety misery) you have.
W--it's not a "W" you see on the road really, it's a "VV" for Viva. Naturally, VV Gibo!
Well, unless you want me to spell out in ill-bred detail the cuss words the tifosi are screaming at Vinokorouv, that's your lesson for today. Vaf--forget it!

It's My First Your Losing Pick o' the Day!: yep, the opening day in Amsterdam (or thereabouts) is a short flat time trial to stick someone in the maglia rosa and enrage the Italians if it isn't them. And yep, I know it should be that sanctimonious whine-wussy St. David Millar. But Cadel's got to beat the crap out of Ivan Basso right off the bat to psych him out, even tho' Ivan knows Cadel's easily gonna whomp him anyway, so I'm pickin' him. Forza Cadel--break my pathetic losing streak, I beg you!

More Practical Stuff You Can Use: so what's the order of sendoff of our brave cronomen tomorrow? Look for Damiano Cunego at no. 37, Gilberto Simoni in 125th, the irksome Millar at 185th, Bradley "Please Kick Millar's Sorry !@#!" Wiggins at 186, then Ivan, then Cadel, then Alexander Vinokorouv at 190, and Sastre at 195. Dai, dai Wiggo!

Self-Serving Wah-Wah of the Week: this one's for 2009 ex-podium finisher/disgraced druggie Danilo di Luca,for using a cheerful brag to the press that he's back in training and ready to hit the road--and good luck with that, sucker, but I digress--to snipe that the entire GC field this time is a pack of blowmeister milquetoast girly-man weaklings, which, of course, would not be the case if *he* were there. Glad all your free time during your ban hasn't diminished your good sportsmanship, Killer!

Faster Than a Speeding Boonen: first, you *suck*, Amgen EPO Tour of California!--what sick twisted Giro-hating pervert even *thought* to schedule this at the same time, are you *trying* to help Lance screw Levi and Klodi even worse than usual? Anyway, as I said, a friendly shout-out to our dear sprint fans here at racejunkie, as their faves, the toothilicious Mark Cavendish and Belgian ex-party-boy hunkster big Tom Boonen, are at the ToC so I'll try to cover the damn race a bit for their sakes. And as I don't want either fan base to pound me into jelly, good luck to 'em both!

Finally, a Loving Reminder: now, repeat after me: Gilberto Simoni is a god. Bow, peons!

1 comment:

Rosemary said...

Has it been a year since the hills of California were ablaze and Universal Sports was airing Spanish language movies and not the Giro for several days?