My Fantasy Team Astana/UCI Press Conference

Alexandre Vinokourov: Good afternoon. We're here today to discuss UCI's controversial decision not to strip Team Astana of our WorldTour license, despite a string of doping busts that make the entire US Postal squad look like they were just poppin' a few Tic-Tacs for some extra race-day pep. First, I'd like to say, NEENER NEENER NEENER! Further--(aide taps him on shoulder, hands him phone)--dammit, I *told* you only to call me on that untraceable disposable cell phone! No, not *that* !@#$, the *other* !@#$! (hands back phone)--I'd like to point out that I've been firmly assured by UCI that this decision had absolutely nothing to do with my omnipresent screaming threat to rat every other team out and bring the entire !@#$ing hypocrite WorldTour down with me if I have to spend one more !@#$ing minute listening to this total hypocrite scapegoat bull!@#$ about *my* squad. Right, Brian?

Brian Cookson (smiles brightly): That's right, Vino! This decision had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that this entire sport would collapse, *again*, if you actually followed through with your threat!

AV: Additionally, the UCI's decision had nothing whatsoever to do with the incredibly powerful Tour de France organizers looking like a pack of complete incompetent !@#holes if the TV coverage every day had to run embarrassing Landis-esque recaps of why the 2014 Tour champ Vincenzo Nibali of Team Astana wasn't there to defend his title. Right, Brian?

BC (smiles brightly): That's right, Vino! This decision had nothing whatsoever to do with the Tour de France looking like a pack of incompetent !@#holes when the TV coverage runs an endless series of reminders why the defending Tour de France champion isn't there!

AV: Well, at least we never injected baby formula into our veins or whatever weird quack-doctor !@#$ Van Avermaet or whoever was accused of doing, ha ha! Finally, I wish to address UCI's warning that they will, instead of actually *doing* anything, be "watching us carefully" from now on. Hey, UCI, watch this! (pulls pants down, moons audience)

Sins of the Fleche; and, Watch Your #$!, Alberto Contador!

Piti Party: all right, own up you lying liars: Valverde's second consecutive win at a crash-marred Fleche-Wallone creeped the hell outta you too, as does the fact that this freak continues to podium straight through the entire season with no variations in form in every kind of race on every kind of terrain except--maybe--a pancake-flat sprint. !@#$, Valverde, you *want* you and everyone else on Movistar being assaulted by rubber-gloved narcs with giant needles in the middle of every freakin' night the rest of the season? Come to think of it, why aren't they doing that to you already? Oh, !&$! it, if it weren't for his Official Annual One-Stage Grand Tour Meltdown he'd already have the maillot jaune locked up in Paris...

Hard to Porte: meantime, right as Fabio Aru's epically incapacitating (and disgusting) stomach bug may already be screwing him out of the Giro, leaving Nibali to pick up team leadership (tho' a late tweet from Aru sez he's back on the bike, however shakily)--particularly in case Astana's adventures in pharmaceutical experimentation keep Nibs outta the Tour--now key Contador Giro rival Richie Porte is clearly en fuego, smashing the field at the lovely Giro del Trentino with an uphill victory. Y'know, Alberto, I *get* that Oleg Tinkov is still distracted chasin' Peter Sagan around in a hockey mask with a chainsaw over his monster Classics fail. But I hope your top-secret training regime is going precisely to plan, honey, because even Sagan might outsprint Oleg eventually and leave you as his next B-movie horror-show target if you can't step up to resounding success in both May and July. Climb, for God's--well, your--sake, *climb*!

Allez PhilGil!: finally, speedy recovery to an already Amstel-sore we love Samuel Sanchez and Philippe "Please Please Please Win Liege" Gilbert, who both hit the deck today alongside approximately half the peloton at Fleche, and whom I would desperately like to kick the rest of the field's !@# in Liege. The rest of you, same get-well wishes and best of luck--but I still hope Gilbert stomps you in the race! PS Don't worry Purito you still did great!

Oh, man, this is still somehow *so* disturbing....

On Being on a Bike Tour in Mallorca with a Rarin' Pack of Aussies: So Why Do *You* Ride? #whyyouride

Okay, to be precise, by "being on a bike tour" I mean "chillin' in the van watching the astonishing landscape sprint by while a pack of crazy Aussies and Americans actually ride these ginormous mountains", but I was being there all the same, and since I was asked to and I promised I would I ask: so why do *you* ride? Companionship? Fitness? Personal challenge? The perfect communion of person and machine? Slightly disconcerting sheer love of the pain cave? Me, I ride to go get truly superlative ice cream. So...what's your excuse?

Now Win Flanders For Me, Sagan, Or I'll Grind You Into Dog Meat!: It's Your Ronde in Preview! #rvv

No Pressure: let's face it: our little Sagz has lost some of his joie de vivre. Whatever tactical sense he had has disappeared like a dirtbag ahead of a drug test, he's got squat in the tank when he needs it most, and the poor kid's been so down he hasn't even had the heart to pop a wheelie onto Contador's head. So you've got *one* day to get your mojo back before your desperate boss Oleg goes completely crazy-!@# on your overpaid overhyped has-been butt--but no pressure!

Oh Tommeke!: and, it goes without saying that a Flanders without Boonen and Cancellara is a party without a cake, so while I dry my maudlin tears and grab a cold one to scream my head off watching everyone else slug it out, I gotta say, I know furry bad-!@# Luca Paolini's justly working for strongman Alexander Kristoff and all, but if *I'd* just won Gent-Wevelgem in total dominating fashion, I'd be sending that guy back to the team car to get me a refreshing lemonade while the rest of squad carried me on my shoulders on a palanquin all the way to the line up at the front of the race tomorrow, which, among other issues like a complete lack of athletic ability, is why I'm a selfish !@#hole and not an incredible gracious cycling champion. So this leaves us with a wide-open race with a slew of guys who've been absolutely blossoming in the absence of Fabs and Tommeke's long shadows, like just-dented John Degenkolb, Van Avermaet, Stybar, gutsy E3 Harelbeke winner Geraint Thomas, and former shock champ Stijn Devolder, as well as, well, realistically, everybody else in the peloton from Belgium. My dark-horse fave? Niki Terpstra. My guilty-pleasure-no-chance-in-hell-but-I-still-love-to-watch-him-anyway? The all-style GQ king Pippo Pozzato. Still, forza grande Luca!

The Forecast: 48 F and sunny. Like even *that's* gonna help you poor bastards!

Ow, !@#$!: finally, your course map is here, and while it's gonna be a bangin' bucket o' excitement from start to finish for us, it is, as always, a study in total !@#$ing bone-jarring suffering for the peloton, including three trips up the Kwaremont, a spin up the Paterberg, and, of course, the fearsome pave of the Koppenberg. Me, I'm hoping someone smashes apart a potential bunch sprint by a daring far-out attack. And to remind you, like you needed it, here, your tribute to Fabs' decisive 2014 victory, as the big guy (get well soon!) brings it in:

So good luck boys--both winning the race, and just plain staying upright in one (especially your collarbones) piece--let the pain and glory begin!

My Fantasy Oleg Tinkov/ Team Tinkoff-Saxo Press Conference

OT (takes podium with entire Tinkoff-Saxo squad kneeling before him): Good morning. I've called you all here today to stroke my insatiable need for attention and to address the recent rumors that, despite a couple of minor early-season victories from my chief riders that have done nothing to bring me the glory that is rightfully mine, something is very wrong here at Team Tinkoff-Saxo. First, let me say, nothing is wrong at all. Instead, we have cannily been distracting you and our fiercest rivals from our inevitable immediate sweep of each of the remaining Monuments, every one of the Grand Tours, and all other races by completely sucking so far this season. Hah, I can see we've already psyched you out, you gullible weaklings!

Second, to extent anything *is* wrong over here at Casa Oleg, it is absolutely and utterly everyone else's fault but mine. !@#&, what's the point of throwing more money than God at everyone who looks good on paper in the cycling world if you can't unjustly blame them for the way I'm handling the team? At the same time, until my minions can find a way to completely screw him financially and professionally, I also want to express my complete support for Bjarne Riis. ALRIGHT I'VE SUPPORTED YOU, NOW GET OUT OF MY SIGHT OR I'LL REALLY "SUSPEND" YOU, YOU INCOMPETENT IDIOT!

Finally, I am here today to announce my great and dazzling plan to fix this team. Henceforth, *I*, Oleg Tinkov, will be the *sole* rider in every race. Therefore, I will be my own team captain, superdomestique, sprinter, lead-out train, and bottle-carrying workhorse. I CAN CLIMB THE !@#$ING ALPS BEFORE THAT ALSO-RAN CONTADOR CAN EVEN FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET HIS BIB SHORTS ON IN THE MORNING, I WILL CRUSH YOU AT THE TOUR DE FRANCE FROOME YOU OVERHYPED PIECE OF !@#$!

This of course leaves you wondering what will happen to those team members who are still under contract until they generously agree to rip them up or I break their knees off. Be assured, each team member will be assigned roles fully in keeping with his million-euro superstar status and particular talents. Peter Sagan, being so fast in the sprint, will fetch me my coffee from Starbucks first thing each morning. (Sagan runs up to him with small cup) I SAID *FOURTEEN* SHOTS OF ESPRESSO, YOU IGNORANT WORM! (throws it in Sagan's face) Alberto Contador, with his peerless stamina and climbing ability, will be in charge of carrying my luggage up to and down from the 14th-floor penthouse suite of my hotel each day until he proves to me he's sorry for making me look like a total asshat in front of everybody. And of course Bjarne, with his great tactical expertise, will be in charge of keeping everyone's dirty cycling clothes properly sorted, washed, and returned to their owners in neatly labeled laundry bags by 4 a.m. each race-day morning. DOES THAT EXPENSIVE RAPHA SOCK LOOK LIKE SOMETHING I WOULD DEIGN TO LET THAT BLOCKHEAD PETER WEAR WHILE HE STILL FAILS SO BADLY? HE'LL WEAR UNBEARABLY ITCHY SACKCLOTH KIT UNTIL FLANDERS IS MINE, MINE, MINE!

This concludes our morning press conference. Thank you for coming and I am truly humbled by your attendance. NOW KEEP YOUR EYES GLUED TO MY TWITTER FEED UNTIL I POST A PICTURE OF MYSELF LEAPING SAFELY BACK TO EARTH FROM THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION WITHOUT SOME WUSSY LITTLE "PARACHUTE" OR "OXYGEN" FIFTEEN MINUTES AND FORTY SECONDS FROM NOW, YOU COWERING LIFELESS LEECHES!

!#$!, What's the Return Policy on a 6.3 Million Euro Pro Cyclist Again? Oleg Tinkov Freaks Out

Desperado: yeah, it's lookin' desperate over at Rancho Tinkoff all right, as rakish-n-almost-resultsless Peter Sagan blows Oleg's--uh, his own--first big goal of the season at Sanremo with an indifferent 4th and, at the start of his second pre-Tour showdown with Chris Froome at the Volta a Catalunya, Giro-Tour double hope Alberto Contador sez he's got a baaaad cold, so don't expect too much outta him either. Translation: the team is !@#$ed, Oleg's got no idea what to do about it, Bjarne's sacked, and Oleg's now gotta figure out some non-mutilating way to inspire his high-paid starlets but quick. !@#$, Oleg, if Alberto can't handle one cold day at Tirreno this year, what the hell do think a full-on blizzard at the Giro is gonna do to his Tour chances? Dammit, am I the only one thinkin' that if the season gets on this way, we're just gonna have Froomey and Nairo for the final maillot jaune in Paris, and that freak Valverde is gonna nail the 3d spot on the podium *again*? Fix this Oleg--I don't know if we can take this !@#$ much longer!

Degen-Stone-Kolb-Killer: meantime, the glow hasn't quite yet faded off the fine John Degenkolb's Milan-Sanremo triumph, and with this smashing run to the line after half the faves went down on the Poggio, it's easy to see why. Nice job big guy--and Cav, feel better next year!

Electric Avenue: and, after a scathing report excoriating the biopassport as a handy doping baseline (told ya), TUEs as total bull!@#$, and new-gen doping pounding the crap obsolete testing equipment, UCI's taking serious action: testing 36 *bikes* for mechanical doping at Milano-Sanremo. For !@#$'s sake, you oughta be looking for the needle marks on the riders' !@#es, not the wiring in the !@#$ing top tubes! And we *don't* need you clowns giving certain riders who creep the hell outta the whole lot of us any freakin' ideas while we're at it...

When *I* Was a Whippersnapper, Fausto Coppi Got Eaten By a Yeti On the !&#$in' Stelvio, and He *Liked* It!

To the Extreme: alright, screw that masochistic cyclist hard-man crap--not only are notorious softies like Pippo Pozzato tweeting their outrage, even tough-guy Fabian Cancellara's finally had enough, and is calling bull!@#$ on extreme-weather stages like Tirreno-Adriatico's frozen Stage 5 to Terminillo because of some ridiculous wussmeister concern like the riders' "health and safety." What a pack a' whinin' weenies! "My !@# is frozen to the saddle" this, "I'm too numb to grip the handlebars on this icy deadly descent" that! Do you know how much you're getting *paid* to catch a slobbering cold virus for a month for our selfish pervert entertainment while we cheer you on from the comfort of our heated road-side campers, or splosh our hot cocoa right on the tray-table by the TV in gutted sympathy when you're passed within a few meters of the line? We're in *agony* here you crybabies! Oh, the soul's just gone out of the sport if it's gonna be about who's the best at basic ol' "bike riding" from now on....c'mon Pippo, you're just pissed you had to cover up your tats!

Well, I See That Little Pep Talk With the Hired Goons and the Cattle Prod Worked: and, welcome back to the Saganator, outlasting the rest of sprinters on yet another miserably crappy day at Tirreno and taking his first win of the year at last, with the generously-credited help of teammate Alberto Contador. Well well, maybe he *is* gonna pull it together for an all-out slaughterfest at the Classics this year. Amazing what a little "chat" with an unhappy fat-walleted Oleg Tinkov can do--now Contador, don't *make* him have to talk to you about handling the cold weather properly at the Giro!

What? She's Not Bionic?: Finally, best wishes for a speedy recovery to--no, it can't be possible--the indestructible Marianne Vos, who apparently has pulled a mortal human "hamstring", further dashing the last hope of the entire peloton that the whole reason she's able to kick everyone's !@# with such relentless perfection is that she's actually mechanically a military-grade clandestine-project android. Yeah, she can still probably wipe the floor with everybody--just count yerselves lucky someone else besides her gets to win a race or two this year!

Aw, Crap, Chaingate *Again*? I Thought Schleck and Contador Were Through With This !#$!; And, Pony Up Already, Sagan!

The Neverending Story: yep, just when you thought you'd finally heard the last of the whining over evil Alberto Contador attacking innocent Andy Schleck when he dropped his chain in a hapless mechanical and nefariously stealing that Tour de France, the same stupid !@#$ing thing is being yapfested about agai...oh, wait, this is *Cavendish*, today, at Tirreno, wholly accidentally taking out rival Elia Viviani over what Quick Step is now saying is a repeat chain-drop problem that blew Cav's nearly inevitable win at the sprint. Whoa moly, anyone know if Cav's mechanic's okay after Mark no doubt flew at him like some rabid snarling toothy badger to chew his face off? Whoever he is, I'm sure if he's not *too* roughed up, that the problem's been analyzed and damn well fixed--or else! Here, the carnage: Feel better soon, Elia!

There's Buyer's Remorse, And There's 12 million !@#$in' Euros of Buyers' Remorse: meantime, a day after Alberto Contador thanked Oleg Tinkov for his new-signed 2016 contract by bonking at the opening Tirreno-Adriatico time trial, fellow pampered flower Peter Sagan woofed yet *again* by blowing the sprint at Tirreno today, but luckily, Oleg was so charmed by Peto's wacky post-race antics that he only *threatened* to wrap 'im up like a mummy and trebuchet him across the next sprint finish line like some creepy-!@# spandex medieval missile. Just ask Alberto, Peter--batting those eyelashes is only gonna get you so far, honey! Still, panicked Tinkov minion/cycling impresario Bjarne Riis is urging everyone not to panic over Sagan's impending Classics season just yet, which he paradoxically did by pointing out how much better than him everyone else who's in contention already is this year. Jaysus, Oleg, you're already putting Alberto under freakish pressure having him try to be the first sap to win the Giro-Tour double since the allegedly more, well, highly-provisioned era--you're really still gonna screw him by putting one pedal stroke of the Tour squad's effort behind this showoff? Oh, Sagan'll take his first win of the season soon enough, and you'll melt like buttah on hot popcorn--Alberto, you'd better start vying a little harder for Oleg's affection right about now!

Narcs That Go Bump in the Night: and, in the wake of the CIRC report, the debate rages on over UCI's threat to jack up middle-of-the-night dope testing for exhausted random riders during major races, not only leading to a deluge of hotel mini-fridges mysteriously ditched in dumpsters during Grand Tour season, but a web-clogging increase in desperate Google searches asking "who was that guy who got out of a positive by saying he was doing the nasty that time?" Me, I actually very much sympathize with some poor clean schmo whose hopes for a next-day stage win are dashed by rubber-gloved goons wrecking his much-needed sleep in search of some guilty doping assclown. Oh well, that's the unjust price of cycling purity, I guess--and lucky that at least a few 'em of 'em are already taking sedatives according to that CIRC report!

French Press: finally, congrats to the wily French Cycling Federation, using the lame excuse of 'making sure nobody was doping' to screw reigning Tour de France champ Vincenzo Nibali out of a cool half million euros in prize money 'til they're sure he, and the winners of a wunk of other 2014 French races, deserves the money. So, with retroactive testing improvements and all, you're planning on paying the poor guy when, when his senior citizen pension vests? I mean, I get messing around with the small if unimpeachale Nibali's head and bank account, if you're a total jerk and all--but really, bigger guys like Niki Terpstra? On wing span alone that guy could wring the money outta you by force!

In Which I Read That Damn CIRC Report, So You Don't Have To #circ

1. Alberto Contador--too darn cute to prosecute!

2. Hein Verbruggen & Pat McQuaid: love means never having to say "you're guilty."

3. 20%, 90%, who cares? It couldn't possibly be the guys who are winning now!

4. Dr. Michele Ferrari--good !@#$. Dr. Eufemiano Fuentes--the *really* good !@#$.

5. Mmmm, Mmmm, Omerta!

6. Systemic team doping: out. Individual members comprising entire teams who totally coincidentally use the exact same team doctors, products, and doping regimens: in.

7. Corticosteroids: such total bull!@#$ even *we* can't justify these guys using 'em. Wait, *who's* still taking them?

8. Lab Equipment: so what if it hasn't been updated since 1976?

9. The Biological Passport: I didn't know how much I *could* get away with until you told me. Thanks, guys!

10. Crashes: not just for Tyler Farrar anymore. It's the drugs, too!

11. Lance Armstrong: yep. Still an !@#$^%$!

12. Brian Cookson: he can't be doing any worse than *those* !@#$in' clowns!

Well, I'm humbled and delighted if that's two hours outta your lives I just saved you, my dear readers--now, with Paris-Nice and Tirreno on hand, it's time to get back to the races!

My Fantasy Alexander Vinokourov/Vincenzo Nibali Press Conference #cycling

VN: Good morning. I've called you here today to address the recent news that UCI is seeking to strip Astana of its ProTour license due to alleged severe, systemic doping problems within the team. First, I want to say that I had no idea Alexander Vinokourov ever had anything--*anything*--to do with doping before I joined this squad. In fact, due to the fact that I've stuck my fingers in my ears closed my ears and yelled "LA LA LA LA" whenever Vino came into a room, I haven't even spoken to him or heard anything he's said to me for the last five years. I also haven't read any newspapers, looked at any websites, paid attention to any press conferences, or talked or listed to anyone in the entire pro cycling world, including my own teammates managers soigneurs team-bus drivers medical personnel or espresso guys, at any time from the date of my birth to and through today. So this is, like, a total shock to me.

Second, if Alexander Vinokourov or any of the approximately eighty-six riders and other Astana staff members were in fact involved in doping in any way, I personally had absolutely nothing to do with it, and have been completely clean my entire career. Of course, it doesn't take much to look clean next to the cheating scumbags that make up the rest of this sport! But seriously, in case anyone out there in ProTour land has a few million euros to spend on their rosters this time of year--or, y'know, one of your less-impressive grand tour leaders should have a catastrophic mechanical failure, or come down with the flu, or get a really really gross painful saddlesore--I'm available, so...(makes little ringing-phone gesture next to ear)

Finally, I want to assure you all that as the reigning champion of the Tour de France, I am confident that, even with Astana's current legal woes, we will be granted a Wild Card for the Tour this year and I will be--successfully, I assure you--defending my title. Wait--what? (Puts hand to ear to listen to journalist question) *No*, you mother!@#$er, Froome and Contador crashed out last year, *I'm* the !@#$ing reigning Tour de France champion! Now I'm going to pass things along to this guy next to me I barely even know. Vino?

AV: Good morning. First, I'd like to say that, despite my well-documented and extensive history of sophisticated world-class doping and familiarity with all the cutting-age techniques of any era, I am outraged that any of you think I didn't have my personality totally erased by futuristic robot technology like in that Schwarzenegger movie and replaced with an innocent Disney princess the instant I became a team founder and manager.

Second, I had *no* idea those dumb-!@# Iglinskiy brothers were taking EPO. I mean, there is *so* much better !@#$ out there, what is this, !@#$ing !@#$-squad crap-rider neo-pro amateur hour? Who do you think I am you !@#holes, I would *never* let them take that chump-change !@#$! much less get caught for it! What's more, I have no idea where any of this Padova !@#$ that Brian Cookson is hinting at is coming from. Not only was it geographically inconvenient, that was all Lampre's gig, right, so why are you bitching to me about it, it is so *not* *fair*!

Last but not least, I just want to remind you that if *I* go down, I am taking *all* you !@#$ing hypocrites and your !@#$ing hypocrite families friends associates and family Labrador Retrievers with me, so say goodbye to all your careers you !@#$ing bastards! Yeah, that's right, Vincenzo, you smirking little clean-sport poster-boy, that means you too, keep talking smack you worthless little !@#$! (lunges towards Nibali, press corps hastily clears room as Vino and Nibs start rolling on floor throwing punches)

Omloop-de-loop: It's Classics Season, Beeyotches! And, E3 Harelbeke Fixes It All #cycling

Woot Woot!: yes, cycling fans, now that the peloton's had the chance to stretch their legs, test their form, explode their tires and get sand-whipped into whimpering nubs by the early-season desert races, it's time for Belgian Classics season to begin, and we're off with the teaser Omloop Het Nieuwsblad on Saturday, and the thrillin' Kuurne-Brussels-Kuurne on Sunday. Contenders: first, last year's respective champs surprise Ian Stannard, and TOM !@#$IN' BOONEN baby! Other hunters: Greg Van Avermaet, Sep Vanmarcke, Niki Terpstra (don't even think of screwing Tommeke, twerp!), Mark Cavendish, basically every other rider in Belgium, and, ever-hopeful but rather-tippy Tyler Farrar. Me, I'd completely dig Tyler stomping the naysayers, but we love Tom apparently hasn't Omloop on his palmares, so that's who I'm rooting for for Saturday. Allez allez Tornado Tooooooom! Here, he bags (of course) Kuurne last year: Toooooooooooom!

TuttoBitchin': and, what a thrilla to see our beloved Boston get a shout-out from our beloved Tuttobiciweb, in the form of an intrepid cyclist's snow-tunnel: Or wait, is the Stelvio stage from last year's Giro? Naw, that guy's way too big to be Nairo...

T!@s and A!@: finally, huge redemption by the fine gents at E3 Harelbeke, who, after their grossly offensive and piglike ad featuring a distinctly unhilarious riff on Peter Sagan's ol' grab-!@# routine, showed their true and sensitive understanding of the issue by pulling the adv--uh, REMOVING THE UCI LOGO FROM THE AD. When confronted about the continued use of the picturesque banners, baffled Harelbeke chief Hugh Hefner responded, "of *course* it's sexy!" Sex*ist*, sex*ist*, you irredeemable clown!

Froome Wins Round 1! Cav v. Sagan at Sanremo! And, How Not to Help Women's Cycling

Holy Flailing Windmill Hell: well, if you think Alberto Contador's psyched out by the ungainly Chris Froome's blazing stage and overall win/showdown at the Ruta del Sol, think again, suckers: he's *sticking* with his Giro/Tour double plan, *and* he's confident he'll win 'em both. So what if he'll still be exhausted from the Giro--it's not like he's really wanting to aim for the Tour, right? Oh, for the day when the Tour de France is rightly the also-ran, and the dear perfect Giro gets the glory....

I Dream of Sanremo: and, just as Oleg Tinkov has made it extremely clear he'll personally disconnect Peter Sagan's so-far-lackluster limbs off if he doesn't win Milano-San Remo, none other'n last year's quasi-funk/this season's rocket renaissance Mark Cavendish has wistfully opined to the Italian press that winning it is not only a dream, but also a pretty major goal, for this season. Dang, Peter, you better *hope* you can bunny-hop over Tinkov's head and the hell outta Dodge if you can't turn Cav's dream into a nightmare this year--but only if you value your continued employment, I suppose!

Advertising for !@#holes: finally, congrats to the backwards inbred troglodyte pigs who designed the Neanderthal ad for this year's upcoming E3 Harelbeke, which perfectly exemplifies the blood, sweat, and bicycles of, y'know, *bike racing* by showing a disembodied hand reaching for a disembodied women's porn-star !@# in what appears to be some pervy cheerleader outfit. Who runs that !@#$ing agency, Larry Flynt? Anywho, in the spirit of equality which has so recently, and not actually, taken hold in pro cycling, here's *my* new ad for the Giro Rosa: the bronzed, oiled, Photoshopped iron-abs of Peter Sagan and Fabian Cancellara in tighty-whities curled adoringly at the feet of Marianne Vos as she holds the winner's trophy aloft on the podium. Think they'd feel that's appropriate? Okay, Sagan probably would, but....!@#$, people! Here, the women of Wiggle-Honda are riding their freakin' bikes, you socially-stunted frat-mavens:

Contador vs. Froome vs....Uh, That Other Guy! Sagan vs. Cavendish! Sir Brad's Sartorial Splendor! Jeeeeeeens!

Hell-ooooooooo! Defending Champ Over Here!: yes, the media hype over the Alberto Contador-Chris Froome faceoff at the Tour de France, and diplomatically complimentary smack-talk, has already begun, as the two boys get a trial crack at each other at the Ruta del Sol this week and poor Vincenzo Nibali has to go on the offensive to remind everyone he's actually the defending !@#$ing Tour winner and, like anyone cares, his form is already pretty good and he's tranquillo about his chances in July. Well, hell, Nibs, it's not like you're even gonna be a marked man apparently, you might as well just take the maillot jaune while those two are distracted getting fawned over! I swear, the man can't get *no* respect...

Pick It Up, Peter!: geez, Sagan, not only did Oleg Tinkov pay out the nose for the Holy Grail of Your Royal Wheelieness this season, but with Alberto Contador threatening to retire in 2016 so Oleg can't make him do the Giro-Tour-Vuelta deathmarch--uh, so he can retire at the top of his game--you're all Tinkov's got now, honey, so if you don't start to step up from this 7th place bull!@#$ and win him (forget "win yourself") a good brace of Monuments this season, you're gonna find you'll be suddenly getting paid 3.4 million euro a year just to follow Oleg around disposing of his dirty tissues and wiping his rear end. Meantime, I don't wanna disturb you or Marcel Kittel as he relaxes over at the hair salon with a hot cup of tea and a Cosmo, but Mark Cavendish has been, despite some fine early-season competition, on a hell of a tear, with the added bonus that, should you actually be about to beat him in a sprint on the merits, he can and will rip your derailleur off with teeth within a wheel's-width of the line. I take back every doubt I had about you Cav--at least until Marcel's all done with his blow-out!

Wiggo's Got a Brand New Bag: meanwhile, big style points to baby team boss Sir Bradley Wiggins, who's debuted a stylin' new jersey for his nascent squad that's far superior to the boring (and confusing) black of most'a' the ProTour this year. Special feature: press the target logo on the chest, and it chirps, "*Sure*, I'll help Froomey win the Tour!" Oh, just keep rubbin' salt in old wounds there, Brad...

Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeens!: finally, giant kudos to our fine local bike shop for hosting an entirely bitchin' Q&A with the entirely bitchin' Jens Voigt yesterday. My dear Contador and Cancellara swooners, I get it--never have I seen so many grownups, myself included, share so much in common with a shrieking stadium full of sugar-stoked tween idol fans. Yep, I'm a Belieber--thank you Jens and Cycle Loft!

Blood Bags of Christmases Past! Hushovd's Gonna Knock You Out! Tinkov's Gonna Announce Something Big!

I'll Slap You In the Mouth, I'm Thor Hushovd!: he may be retired, but his influence reigns supreme (or he still has some, anyway)--yes, amiable retiree Thor Hushovd was apparently so irked at angelic Edvald Boassen-Haagen-Dasz's potential signing with the skanky lot over at Saxo Bank last year that he threatened to smack him in the mouth. Geez, Thor, if only you'd threatened to squash him with a magic hammer, you really *would* be the Thunder God! Still, it was apparently enough for Edvald to sign instead with the bitchin' MTN-Qhubeka, leading, according to Norwegian TV, for intemperate team oligarch to tweet menacingly: "Then I saw another side of him, which I had not seen before. Then I thought that maybe it was not so gæernt that I went there, tell rudsbygd no." I don't know what the hell he's saying to you Edvald, but I'd say stay way outta his way this year!

I Want to Dope Your Blooooooooooood: and *just* when you thought you'd escaped from the dark days of 2006 to the cheat-less cycling of today, there's still a *whole* lotta Nervous Nellies left from the "old school" frantically checking to make sure they got their bio passport tweaked right the first time: yes, there's still time for angry narcs to get their mitts on the old Operacion Puerto blood bags. When contacted by the Imaginary Racejunkie News Service, 2014 WorldTour champ/multiple race winner Alejandro Valverde reportedly jeered, "suckerrrrrrrrrrrrrrs!" Oh, I'm *so* glad there's been hardly no problems since then....

Is It Sagan? Is It Contador? Is It Just the Megalomaniacal Rantings of a Publicity-Starved Lunatic?: meantime, as Oleg Tinkov muses that (1) Contador might retire after winning the Giro-Tour double at the end of 2015 and that (2) Peter Sagan better win both Flanders and San Remo this year or he won't quite *kill* 'im, but he *will* !@#damn !@#$ him up, our tender wallflower has proclaimed via Twitter he's gonna announce the "biggest news ever" at the official presentation of Tirreno-Adriatico. Oh, !@#$, he's bought the ENTIRE !@#$ING PELOTON--watch out sprinters, he's gonna make you all bear him around in some gaudy golden palanquin, with Sagan and Contador as his pressure-smacked cash-cows you poor schmucks are all just superfluous now...

That's Right, It's Bike *Racing*!: finally, even though the bangin' Niki Terpstra actually won the time trial at Tour of Qatar today, apparently, everyone just wants gratuitous photos of Fabian Cancellara: But congratulations Niki, so here's a consolation photo of you too!

Video Killed the Roadie-o Star; and, Cadel and Samuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! #cycling

Ready, Aim, Siiiiiiiiiiing!: yep, not content with being (1) retired (2) obscenely wealthy despite screwing an entire sport into eternal ignominy or (3) yappin' to BBC how he'd dope again anyway, fallen hero Lance Armstrong is yet again ho-ing himself for the limelight, now appearing in a close rocker friend's hi-larious new video, including, according to the fine folks at cyclingnews, a voice mail message in which he cautions the listener to "step the !@#$ off, Lance." !@#$, he's threatening poor Tyler Hamilton *again*? Anyhoo, here, Lance sings his eponymous hit single:

BMC, They're Totally Cool Again: and, in Team BMC's continued redemption from having hosed we love Thor, Philippe, *and* Samuel Sanchez the last couple seasons, the squad is bringing its A-game to Cadel Evans' official farewell to the peloton in his Cadel Evans Great Ocean Road Race, including, of course, Cadel and new re-sign Samu. Now bow to him at the Grand Tours BMC and you'll *really* have earned your keep already this season!

It Pays to Beat Mark Cavendish: finally, congrats to youngster Fernando Gaviria, who recently beat Mark Cavendish in a sprint at the Tour de San Luis, because thanks to his win over a most formidable opponent, he's reportedly now considering offers from both a Belgian and a French World Tour squad. Belgian, huh?--so *that's* what Cav's gonna do, absorb the boy into his 2015 lead-out train at Quick Step! Fast *and* smart, that Manx Missile is...

Chris Horner's Been !#$%^ed!: A Call For a Special New Cycling Team

All right, I call bull!@#$: that the winner of the 2013 freakin' Vuelta a Espana couldn't pull a WorldTour or Pro Continental gig was crap enough, but that his new squad doesn't even get a wild-card invitation to the Amgen EPO Tour of California is !@#$in' ridiculous. Who the hell and how hard could you possibly have to butt-kiss to get into that (admittedly very fine) race?! So as usual, we've gotta step in to fix the situation, and here it is: a call for a new WorldTour, all-events-invited cycling squad, Team Desiccated Old Guys! The criteria:

(1) You're 35 plus;

(2) you can still open a can of whup-!@# on half the peloton, hereby defined as, crash-out DNFs excepted, you are (a) a top-15 finisher, if designated team leader; (b) making the time cut, if a nut-busting top lieutenant or lead-out; or (c) in the top 75%, if you're a bidon-schlepping domestique monkey; and

(3) Jaysus, !@#$in' Davide Rebellin still gets to race, so why can't you?!

By my reckoning, this means: Horner's got a coupla more seasons; Jens has got another decade; Marianne Vos will be riding for 45 years after she's eligible to collect whatever the heck her country's version of Social Security; and that freak Valverde'll be in team kit 'til the actual geological end of time. Well, having solved this catastrophe, all we need now is a sponsor. Why not that crazy s.o.b. Tinkov, he'll be pulling ludicrous feats of physical exertion 'til well into the 23rd century?--now Horner, get back on your bike, back in the game, and enjoy the Tour of California!

Crikey, Cadel! A Farewell Career-in-Review

Look, I'll admit I thought of Cadel Evans for some years as rather a wheel-sucker. But then I realized I was a nit, and it must've just been his famous tenacity--because later in the game, he finally did start attacking, often under the worst possible conditions, and when he did, it was beautiful. So in honor of his final WorldTour race, and a certain place of honor in the history books, here's a brief retirement farewell Career In Review:

Cadel the Whippersnapper: far from beginning as a pampered roadie princess, Cadel started out as a mountain biker, which likely explains his bangin' later performance on crap road conditions that make yer average slick-dweller run whimpering to the team bus as fast as his wraithlike legs can carry him. Two time mountain bike world cup champ back in the day, with a couple of top-ten Olympic finishes as bookends, and tests show he's some sort of oxygen-absorbing genetic freak to boot. Really, his nickname was "the Lung"?

2000: Cadel gets some training tutelage from later-controversial Dr. Michele Ferrari. Oh, don't shoot the messenger for Chrissakes, by all accounts it was (1) actually training advice and (2) a one-off!

2001: Cadel joins Saeco and bags the Tour of Austria--nails it again in 2004. His fine road palmares begins!

2002: Cadel starts working with revered Italian roadie god Aldo Sassi. 1st stage at the Tour Down Under, a stage at the Settimana Ciclistica, and a top-15 and a day in the maglia rosa in the glorious Giro--woo-hoo!

2006: Top 10 in the Tour de France, Cadel also smacks both Alejandro Valverde and baby prodigy Alberto Contador in the Tour of Romandie. Not bad considering the !@#$ Valverde was apparently on in that dark Operacion Puerto year!

2007: a time trial win at the Tour de France and 2nd overall to Alberto. Holy crap, this guy is really serious!

2008: Scandalous dopeland Astana--and Contador--are out of the Tour, but it's dear little Sastre who takes the overall as Cadel takes 2nd after one disastrous crack. But 4 days in the maillot jaune ain't nothing to apologize for Cadel! And what's not to love about a guy who threatens to cut the head off anyone who steps on his dog after a particularly crap day on the bike, and sells t-shirts with the slogan on his own website to boot?

2009: A horrible Tour sez he's counted out for good, but a very fine Vuelta and a day in gold sez otherwise. Plus, his place in history is sealed--it's the Worlds, beeyotches!

2010: Maglia rosa, points classification, and a truly epic--truly--win on stage 10 on a miserable mudfest over Alexander Vinokourov. This cements it--I mean literally, he looked like he was covered in cement! Also holds the maillot jaune with a fractured elbow in July, though his overall Tour's a disaster. No race for crybabies--right on Cadel!

2011: Yeah, almost everyone thought he was out, after his nauseating see-saw in the GC the past few years--but he won his Tour de France, Australia's first too and the oldest winner in the modern era. First of many for the Aussies, too, judging by the boys he inspired after him!

2012: Another tough July at the office, with repeat bonks, a struggle with illness or exhaustion--and still a top-10 finish that would be the crown of most riders' careers. We still believe in you Cadel!

2013-2014: Will you cut the guy a little slack? He's a !@#$damn World Champ and Tour de France winner for !@#$'s sake!

2015: Twilight my !@#--the man just pulled off a podium spot in his home race and the last--besides his namesake one--of his career. A fine sendoff to one of the grittiest men ever to stick it through in the peloton--congratulations and thank you Cadel!

BMC Doesn't Bite It Anymore! Carnage at the Tour Down Under! Landis for the Quote o' the Year!

Woot Woot Samu!: okay, The Squad Whose Team Kit Shall Not Be Showcased is officially out of the doghouse--as dear tweeps leapt to inform me, BMC's come back to their once-addled senses and re-signed we love Samuel Sanchez for another season. I hope you made them pay for their waffling Samu! Anyway, our ex-Euskaltel Holy Crap He's Still An Olympic Gold Medalist And Did You See That Tour de France King of the Mountains Jersey climber will be back at the Grand Tours where he belongs, and for my money, a guy who can bag a top-ten result when he's theoretically there just to mentor the whippersnappers is a bitchin' grab indeed. Woot woot--now help Cadel get one last stage win and be nice to Philippe Gilbert and you are *really* gonna redeem yourselves, BMC!

The Bone Collector: in the suckier side of pro cycling, the early-season body count's already piling up at the Tour Down Under after a crash near the line yesterday, with sternums, ribs, hands and wrists fractured, considerable road rash incurred, and, for Kenny Dehaes, a nasty mangling finger-catch in his own wheel taking him outta the race. !@#$, first some clown sucker-punches 'im last year, now this misfortune--can't the finish-line gods cut this poor boy some slack already? Get better soon everybody--and remember, the season's just beginning, so I'm sure you'll be back in one piece in plenty of time to enjoy the rest of it!

Landis on LeMond: meanwhile, disgraced ex-Tour winner Floyd Landis has laid into Greg LeMond for supporting Lance's lifetime ban while also palling around with doping-era suspect miscreants like Hinault and Indurain, and, in the early preemptive win for the 2015 Racejunkie Awards Quote o' the Year, blamed such favoritism and hypocrisy (along with, y'know, such fine team doctors as Rabobank's, and briefly Sky's, Geert Leinders) for legit sponsors fleeing the sport so that now it's being bankrolled "primarily by bored wealthy men who need a reason to give their wives about why they spend so much time with young leg-shaving men in tight pants." Really, it wasn't headlines like "PHONAK SPONSORS GIANT DOPE FIENDS" or "DISCOVERY--OUR GUYS HEART PEDs" that did it? Geez, Landis, you already had to keep outta France so they wouldn't prosecute your !@#, now you gotta stay a half-step ahead of easily irritated bored wealthy men like Tinkov talking smack like that too? Yep, takes a brave man to speak out--but it might explain a *little* bit why more discreet gents like, say, Van de Velde are still gettin' some love from the sport!

Cav Takes the Low Road! Ex-Doperama Wild Cards at the Giro! Yep, This Is the Cycling We Know and Love

And It's Mark Cavendish for the Cheap-Shot!: Don't like a journalist's perfectly reasonable question as to the current state of cleanliness of the sport--not even about your own? Well, here's yer perfectly reasonable response: don't answer, *and* suggest that his spouse is bangin' someone else. Keepin' it classy, Cav! Fortunately, before actual blows were exchanged as to the journo's wife's virtue, karma caught up with the graceless rider as he immediately lost his first sprint of the season at the Tour de San Luis to someone, Fernando Gaviria, he'd never heard of. Did you see Mr. Kittel's race yesterday, Mr. Cavendish? Hey, who you calling a !@#$% ?! Here, via Veloropa, the friendly exchange, and world champ Michal Kwiatkowski's impressively contained reaction:

Giro d'Holy Moly How'd These Clowns Get In Here?: y'know, I fully support the smooth reintegration of genuinely remorseful former dopers and vicious vengeful cornered badgers, like Lance Armstrong, back into the peloton. Especially when it's at the expense of an up-and-coming squad of as-yet-unbesmirched climbers who already lit up one Grand Tour to spectacular, and groundbreaking, effect. And of course, nobody can take issue with the Giro d'Italia organizers wanting to support the smaller, if not historically perfectly clean, squads of Italian cycling. So why the big mean unsportsmanlike hoo-ha over a wild card like CCC Sprandi, home of 43-year-old uber-offender Davide "Gee, I Guess All That Crap Acts as Preservatives, Too" Rebellin and Stefan "I Guess It Did Look Bad to Beat Cancellara In Two Consecutive Time Trials" Schumacher getting to ride in the show? Okay, *maaaaaaybe* Nairo Quintana shouldn't've so openly dissed the beautiful Giro in favor of the overhyped Tour de France this year...but geez, punish his whole freakin' country for it whydontcha?

Pozzato Watch! finally, good news for rakish, if lately resultsless, Lampre king Pippo Pozzato: he's worked hard all winter, he's tons skinnier, and therefore, he's ready and rarin' for a back-to-winning 2015. *Pictures*, Pippo, pictures--it's not like you've been shy posting 'em all in the past!

P.S. Go Cadeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel--and we love the Tour Down Under!

Phil! Paul! Holy Crap It's We Love Robbie McEwen! The Road Season Finally Kicks Off #cycling

Yep, Still Rocks: sure, part of the reason we love legendary sprint god Robbie "the Pocket Rocket" McEwen is his pronounced tendency to actually physically rip the face of any unfortunate s.o.b. who !@#$ed with him, but we will take him being back as a commentator instead since we have to, and to all you Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen haters ticked over some minor detail like being a complete perpetual Lance Armstrong apologist and occasionally lately misnaming a rider who surely wasn't really so important anyway, stuff it, 'cause with the dulcet tones of Phil and Paul and Robbie to shout out the Aussies for the Tour Down Under's preview race, the 2015 road season is officially underway! First blood: Marcel Kittel, over Juan Jose "Can You Believe a Sprinter Who Can Come In Second to Kittel Got His Start at Freakin' Euskaltel?!" Lobato, though I note that chief smackdown rival Cav is *not* on hand, so Cavendish loyalists, not to worry just yet! On the women's side: Melissa Hoskins takes the day while Italian teammate Scandolara holds the GC. Forza ragazza--but watch out, Bronzini was already fifth in the sprint!

Boonen's Year Starts Off Right: and, congratulations to casa Boonen, as he and his companion Lore are now proud parents of wee twins Jacqueline and Valentine. Aside from, y'know, the life-changing experience of being a parent and all, what a great psychological boost to the start of the year for Tommeke--if his body doesn't now collapse from the impending total lack of sleep!

Gratuitous Fabian Cancellara FanBoy (and Girl) Swoonfest: meantime, as the heat-loving hardmen get ready for action in Australia, Trek stud-pup Fabian Cancellara, fresh off deciding to bail on his hour record attempt, is training in balmy Mallorca with Frank Schleck and co. Look--sheep--yeah, I figure none of you'd've noticed the background!

All right, on to the Tour Down Under--yeah, yeah, I get that Richie Porte's supposed to win the thing, but here's rooting one last time for retiring former Tour de France champ/ex World Road Champ/general gritty bad-!@# Cadel!

The Diss of Being Nibali: finally, yet another Tour de France GC contender, Nairo Quintana, has weighed in who he expects to be his biggest rival in July--yep, last year's crash-out Alberto Contador. Y'know, it's about the umpteenth interview with these guys, and not *one* of 'em's picked Nibali as the number-one dude to fear. If you were Nibali, wouldn't *you* be getting awfully pissed off by now?