1. Alberto Contador--too darn cute to prosecute!
2. Hein Verbruggen & Pat McQuaid: love means never having to say "you're guilty."
3. 20%, 90%, who cares? It couldn't possibly be the guys who are winning now!
4. Dr. Michele Ferrari--good !@#$. Dr. Eufemiano Fuentes--the *really* good !@#$.
5. Mmmm, Mmmm, Omerta!
6. Systemic team doping: out. Individual members comprising entire teams who totally coincidentally use the exact same team doctors, products, and doping regimens: in.
7. Corticosteroids: such total bull!@#$ even *we* can't justify these guys using 'em. Wait, *who's* still taking them?
8. Lab Equipment: so what if it hasn't been updated since 1976?
9. The Biological Passport: I didn't know how much I *could* get away with until you told me. Thanks, guys!
10. Crashes: not just for Tyler Farrar anymore. It's the drugs, too!
11. Lance Armstrong: yep. Still an !@#$^%$!
12. Brian Cookson: he can't be doing any worse than *those* !@#$in' clowns!
Well, I'm humbled and delighted if that's two hours outta your lives I just saved you, my dear readers--now, with Paris-Nice and Tirreno on hand, it's time to get back to the races!