VN: Good morning. I've called you here today to address the recent news that UCI is seeking to strip Astana of its ProTour license due to alleged severe, systemic doping problems within the team. First, I want to say that I had no idea Alexander Vinokourov ever had anything--*anything*--to do with doping before I joined this squad. In fact, due to the fact that I've stuck my fingers in my ears closed my ears and yelled "LA LA LA LA" whenever Vino came into a room, I haven't even spoken to him or heard anything he's said to me for the last five years. I also haven't read any newspapers, looked at any websites, paid attention to any press conferences, or talked or listed to anyone in the entire pro cycling world, including my own teammates managers soigneurs team-bus drivers medical personnel or espresso guys, at any time from the date of my birth to and through today. So this is, like, a total shock to me.
Second, if Alexander Vinokourov or any of the approximately eighty-six riders and other Astana staff members were in fact involved in doping in any way, I personally had absolutely nothing to do with it, and have been completely clean my entire career. Of course, it doesn't take much to look clean next to the cheating scumbags that make up the rest of this sport! But seriously, in case anyone out there in ProTour land has a few million euros to spend on their rosters this time of year--or, y'know, one of your less-impressive grand tour leaders should have a catastrophic mechanical failure, or come down with the flu, or get a really really gross painful saddlesore--I'm available, so...(makes little ringing-phone gesture next to ear)
Finally, I want to assure you all that as the reigning champion of the Tour de France, I am confident that, even with Astana's current legal woes, we will be granted a Wild Card for the Tour this year and I will be--successfully, I assure you--defending my title. Wait--what? (Puts hand to ear to listen to journalist question) *No*, you mother!@#$er, Froome and Contador crashed out last year, *I'm* the !@#$ing reigning Tour de France champion! Now I'm going to pass things along to this guy next to me I barely even know. Vino?
AV: Good morning. First, I'd like to say that, despite my well-documented and extensive history of sophisticated world-class doping and familiarity with all the cutting-age techniques of any era, I am outraged that any of you think I didn't have my personality totally erased by futuristic robot technology like in that Schwarzenegger movie and replaced with an innocent Disney princess the instant I became a team founder and manager.
Second, I had *no* idea those dumb-!@# Iglinskiy brothers were taking EPO. I mean, there is *so* much better !@#$ out there, what is this, !@#$ing !@#$-squad crap-rider neo-pro amateur hour? Who do you think I am you !@#holes, I would *never* let them take that chump-change !@#$! much less get caught for it! What's more, I have no idea where any of this Padova !@#$ that Brian Cookson is hinting at is coming from. Not only was it geographically inconvenient, that was all Lampre's gig, right, so why are you bitching to me about it, it is so *not* *fair*!
Last but not least, I just want to remind you that if *I* go down, I am taking *all* you !@#$ing hypocrites and your !@#$ing hypocrite families friends associates and family Labrador Retrievers with me, so say goodbye to all your careers you !@#$ing bastards! Yeah, that's right, Vincenzo, you smirking little clean-sport poster-boy, that means you too, keep talking smack you worthless little !@#$! (lunges towards Nibali, press corps hastily clears room as Vino and Nibs start rolling on floor throwing punches)