Thursday, April 23, 2015

My Fantasy Team Astana/UCI Press Conference

Alexandre Vinokourov: Good afternoon. We're here today to discuss UCI's controversial decision not to strip Team Astana of our WorldTour license, despite a string of doping busts that make the entire US Postal squad look like they were just poppin' a few Tic-Tacs for some extra race-day pep. First, I'd like to say, NEENER NEENER NEENER! Further--(aide taps him on shoulder, hands him phone)--dammit, I *told* you only to call me on that untraceable disposable cell phone! No, not *that* !@#$, the *other* !@#$! (hands back phone)--I'd like to point out that I've been firmly assured by UCI that this decision had absolutely nothing to do with my omnipresent screaming threat to rat every other team out and bring the entire !@#$ing hypocrite WorldTour down with me if I have to spend one more !@#$ing minute listening to this total hypocrite scapegoat bull!@#$ about *my* squad. Right, Brian?

Brian Cookson (smiles brightly): That's right, Vino! This decision had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that this entire sport would collapse, *again*, if you actually followed through with your threat!

AV: Additionally, the UCI's decision had nothing whatsoever to do with the incredibly powerful Tour de France organizers looking like a pack of complete incompetent !@#holes if the TV coverage every day had to run embarrassing Landis-esque recaps of why the 2014 Tour champ Vincenzo Nibali of Team Astana wasn't there to defend his title. Right, Brian?

BC (smiles brightly): That's right, Vino! This decision had nothing whatsoever to do with the Tour de France looking like a pack of incompetent !@#holes when the TV coverage runs an endless series of reminders why the defending Tour de France champion isn't there!

AV: Well, at least we never injected baby formula into our veins or whatever weird quack-doctor !@#$ Van Avermaet or whoever was accused of doing, ha ha! Finally, I wish to address UCI's warning that they will, instead of actually *doing* anything, be "watching us carefully" from now on. Hey, UCI, watch this! (pulls pants down, moons audience)

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