Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Ten Ways to Beat Vincenzo Nibali in This Year's Tour de France #letour

Look, Vincenzo Nibali's 4:37 up at the Tour de France with just a few days to go, and everyone's already started snoozin' as the remaining competition just fights for scraps on the podium. And you sure as hell can't beat Nibali at this point just by riding your bike. But *no-one* is unbeatable--and if you want that maillot jaune in Paris, boys, it's time to get creative! Here, how to beat Nibs at this year's Tour:

1. Run the Orica-Greenedge bus into some road furniture on a narrow section of the course, and hold up the yellow jersey group for 30 minutes while you try to execute a three-point turn to move it out of the way.

2. Sneak into his luggage and replace his bib shorts with a pair one size too small. Six hours in the saddle wearing that puppy = "Medic!"

3. Swap out the electrolyte drink in his water bottle for the a nice turkey dinner nutrient supplement. L-tryptophan nap-time!

4. Repaint Marcel Kittel's bike in Astana colors and slip it on top of the team car. One bike change, and Nibs won't even be able to reach the pedals.

5. Lock Alexander Vinokourov in the bathroom and replace him with a carefully-made-up Movistar boss, who will then issue fake race instructions from the team car. Really, Vino, you *want* me to ride at the back of the peloton at the start of the Pla d'Adet? Okay....

6. Provoke Vincenzo with doping questions at the press conference 'til he slugs a journalist. Mon Dieu--the maillot jaune is in handcuffs, he missed the sign-in!

7. Put your crappiest domestique in Astana kit and stick 'im in front to set the pace--a slooooooow pace. Like Nibali's gonna be able to tell the difference?--he's following the guy's !@#, not his face!

8. Crazy Glue, meet cleats. Cleats, meet bike shoes. Those wacky pranksters, I'll just--whaddya mean, you can't find my other pair of bike shoes?

9. Pretend you didn't hear the yellow jersey's request for a rest break. Again. And again. And again. Not to get graphic here, but the guy's gotta stop sometime!

10. Swap out his time trial bike and aero helmet for a fatbike and a spiky kids' dinosaur helmet just before the clock starts to tick. That oughta pull back about 20 seconds a kilometer!

Well, aside from the tried-and-true "slash his tires" and "throw a musette into his wheel"--which are both punk-!@# and actually dangerous, so completely off the table--them's my best bets. If you got any other ideas, I'm sure Valverde wouldn't mind hearing 'em--but time is running out!

No comments: