Sunday, July 06, 2014

It's a Handy Guide to Peloton Body Language! #letour

Oh sure, we armchair road warriors get to *see* all the action at the Tour--but crucially, what's being *communicated* amongst the riders, directeur sportifs, soigneurs and fans as the race goes on? Here, yer Handy Guide to Peloton Body Language:

The Head-Butt: How *dare* you ride faster than me you bloody bastard?!

The Armpit Glance: If I didn't waste time doing this, I could actually take the stage win with my brazen attack. Oops--almost!

The Elbow Flick: Come *on* you lazy piece of !@#$, I've been dragging your wheelsucking !@# up the mountain for like an hour here, take your turn already!

The Wily Weave (Related): If you try to come around me and and take the stage win after pulling that crap, I am going to squeeze you into the barriers like toothpaste. Justice is served!

The Bike Toss (Version Un): my !@#$in' chain dropped and I am going to rip my mechanic's head face off like a rabid wolverine as soon as I find his sorry !@#. DAMMIT!

The Collarbone Snap: oh no oh no oh no. Race over--get well soon poor thing!

The "It's ME, Beeyotch!": Not to be confused with the Exuberant Arm Raise, or the polite corporate-name-underlining "Sponsor Pleaser," it's why everyone thinks sprinters are arrogant !@#holes. Suck *this*, losers!

The Goddamn Right I'm Not Doping Gutted Collapse: Exhibit 1: John Degenkolb. Medic!

The Swerve: It's fun to sprint on the diagonal, especially if I completely screw *your* chances! Often followed by the Wheel Whang (see below).

The Sticky Bottle: Just coming back for a little drink and a chat with my DS. And an illegal tow. Also, a great website. Nothing to see here, race organizers!

The Breakaway Dither: I'd rather *all* of us lose than *me* lose. Well, we all got our wish I see!

The Fan Punch: Do *not* touch the riders, *or* make fun of their doping practices. You got that, punk?

The Please Push Me: A feeble gesture to one's back on a brutal climb. No, no, I can get in trouble if you push me. God, *someone* please push me!

The Bike Toss (Version Deux): Well, it's really a "throw," but anyway, they're thrusting their bike forward to nip someone else at the line. Such a thrilla!

The Wheel Whang: exactly what it looks like. A scrawny-boy slap fight, but with implements!

Well, them's the basics, along with the Disappointed Musette Rifling Frown, the Get That !@#$ing Camera Out Of My Face Post-Loss Death Stare, and the Jersey Wearers Fake Smile Group Publicity Photo-Op. So now that you know the drill, enjoy the Tour de France--I hear Eurosport is looking for commentators!

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