Oh, the Carnage, the Humiliation--No, Not the Brazil/Germany Match, It's the Stage 5 Cobbles! #letour

Oh yeah, baby, it's time for the Paris-Roubaix of the Tour de France, the day the GC contenders all dread, and it's already bloody devastation out there--and the stage isn't even til tomorrow! The course: a granite minefield of punctures mechanicals crashes slowdowns and dashed dreams, with the added pleasure of a pile o' rain in the forecast that'll have guys careening over the road like a coupla doofus teenage joy-riders tryin' to evade the chasing cops. Worse, the only guys who *can* ride the cobbles--except Fabian Cancellara--are gonna be too busy nursemaiding their own GC bosses to have half a chance for themselves. As for Chris "!@#$, I Need *Another* TUE!" Froome, he gets to pamper his new-hurt wrist by bashing it FOUR HUNDRED JILLION TIMES over a jouncing quarry o' hell. Don't worry honey, I'm sure a *little* opium won't run afoul of the CAS rules! Not much better off--Nibali, Contador, or the wholly luckless Valverde, who while not quite as disastrous as the flailing Froomey on the pave, are still pretty well jacked at the slightest misfortune--after all, they can't *all* fit out on the front to stay out of trouble at once! Not a concern, as if he was anyway--sad-sack ol' Andy Schleck, doomed this time by a well-whanged knee. Well, at least *one* guy's gonna have a good day out there--oh, why not just give the stage and the maillot jaune to Fabs right now, and save all the other poor shmoes the pain? Here, what they're in for (and let's face it, these kids are doing better than half the peloton will tomorrow): Allez al--!@#DAMMIT MY TIRE! 12 MONTHS OF TRAINING DOWN THE TOILET! OLEG'S GONNA BREAK MY KNEECAPS!

P.S. Speaking of team bosses, was I the only one absolutely *howling* when the US commentator asked Alexander Vinokourov about the "emotions" he was feeling watching Nibs race the Tour de France on the same road he won his Olympic gold medal on, and a completely puzzled Vino was like "Emotions? Uh, my family felt emotions..." We love you Vino--even though it's oh so wrong!