Holy Butt-Kiss, Batman--It's the RadioShack Tour de France Roster!

Back in the High Life Again: man, even if they are about to fire 'im, it sure pays to kiss Johan Bruyneel's !@#--nary a week after Chris Horner was left off the preliminary RadioSkank short list, mere days after the canny oldster totally coincidentally came out howling in rabid defense of Lance Armstrong's honor, and just moments since Frank Schleck ran screaming from the prospect of GC team leadership like a--well, like a Schleck--Horner magically gets nominated to the RadioSkank Tour de France squad, with no other potential rival but the now-disfavored Andreas Kloden for road supremacy. More, he managed to pull it off, apparently, without even being forced to deal with Johan actually on-site in July. Damn, there ain't no flies on Horner! And what of ex-Giro headliner/hope-o'-the-future/clueless ingenue Jakob Fuglsang? Yep, vengefully consigned to oblivion,despite a full recovery, for his unforgivable nostalgia for the relative calm and actual, y'know, focus on cycling of Saxo Bank. Now *that's* how you build a harmonious, winning Tour de France squad, kids--dang, bring Armstrong back, find a way to throw Contador under the bus, but totally blow the podium, and it's 2009 all over again! Am I the only one who thinks that somewhere, even good sports Cadel and Wiggo are blitzed outta their minds on champagne right now?

Don't Even Think About It, Hoogerland: okay, Johnny "Barbed Wire" Hoogerland is one tenacious hard-man. And, in addition to continuing to ride when he'd been punched full of more holes than Armstrong's doping denials by a 30-mph flyer into a nest of razor wire, he did earn, and nobly wear, the polka-dot jersey for a hell of a stretch last year. But I got this to say: that's we love Samuel Sanchez' and Euskaltel's climber's jersey dammit, and podium or no podium it's gonna stay that way you punk! Here, let's replay: We love you Johnny, and wish you many stage wins--but aupa, Samu!

Nucular Waste: finally, good luck tomorrow to dashing Pippo Pozzato, who heads before the Italian narcs to defend himself against allegations he sought medical assistance from Lance's own right-hand-man Michele Ferrari. I wouldn't worry, Pippo--just tell 'em you attended a "party" at his offi--uh, "house," and I'm sure that'll work just fine! Oh, well, at least you didn't try to buy dope off the faked-out Vansevenant...